Fix this sentence
 

I'm helping a friend write a cover letter for a marketing job in the golf industry. It's pretty much all done, but one of her sentences is bad, but I don't know why.

[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening, and believe it to have a great deal of promise for becoming one of the state's premier courses.

[/ QUOTE ]

Oh and thanks:

http://img73.imageshack.us/img73/550...1402jpg5zk.gif

edit- my friend is not one of these girls.

edit- rehosted

Re: Fix this sentence
 

is she applying for a nekkid cart girl position?

you really don't want me correcting grammer. things will get ugly.

Re: Fix this sentence
 

The recent opening of xxx is very exciting in that it shows a great deal of promise in becoming one of the state's premier golf courses.

Re: Fix this sentence
 

[ QUOTE ]
is she applying for a nekkid cart girl position?

[/ QUOTE ]

I wish they had those. That would rock.

I just figured that I would make this thread a bit less useless to the general oot population.

Re: Fix this sentence
 

[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening, and believe it will become one of the state's premier courses.

[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening, and believe this course has the potential to be a premier golf destination.

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: Fix this sentence
 

are people so lazy that they can't take 10 seconds to rehost the image?

Re: Fix this sentence
 

[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening, and believe this course has the potential to be a premier golf destination.

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: Fix this sentence
 

I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening as I believe it to be one of the state's premier courses.

Don't be an ass. No one wants to hear that some little [censored] thinks their course 'has promise'. Tell them it's good.

Re: Fix this sentence
 

[ QUOTE ]
are people so lazy that they can't take 10 seconds to rehost the image?

[/ QUOTE ]

yes

Re: Fix this sentence
 

btw, is xxx the place to which this friend is applying? If so, I wouldn't recommmend telling them how great their course is. They already know....