Popping the question
 

What is the generally accepted modern practise for asking a girl to marry you? From TV, I had always assumed that the guy went out and bought a ring, then proposed to the girl who would be utterly astounded, and stammer out a yes(or no). Reading the thread earlier, many people were talking about how they discussed with their fiance which ring they would be buying. There doesn't seem to be any element of surprise, and it is all planned out before hand.

For everyone who is married now or plans to get married soon, how did you or are you going to go about it? I suppose it would help if you included the year in which this happened, as traditions may be changing. Also, include any other details such as did you discuss with her father first, etc.

I'm only 19, so I don't plan on having to do this anytime in the near future, but I feel it's an area where I should be knowledgeable.

Re: Popping the question
 

I'm pretty sure you get a ring to give her when you pop the question, then an engagement ring which is discussed mutually? I have no clue yet.

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I'm pretty sure you get a ring to give her when you pop the question, then an engagement ring which is discussed mutually? I have no clue yet.

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So the engagement ring is not the one you give to her when you propose?? Now I am even more confused. I thought you give her a really fancy engagement ring when you propose, then at the wedding ceremony, wedding bands are exchanged. Is there a 3rd ring I'm not aware of?

Re: Popping the question
 

all i know is, if i ever ask this question, it's going to be more of a "yo, you wanna do this thing?" kind of scenario.

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No clue man, sorry. I thought that's how it worked [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] Maybe I should learn for the near future..

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No clue man, sorry. I thought that's how it worked [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] Maybe I should learn for the near future..

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Damn, what do parents teach us kids these days

Re: Popping the question
 

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all i know is, if i ever ask this question, it's going to be more of a "yo, you wanna do this thing?" kind of scenario.


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It's amazing how much truth is in this statement.

I'd be interested to see how many people got married before they were 100% ready/never wanted to but did anyway.

A poll on the subject seems kinda lame nonetheless.

PG

Re: Popping the question
 

I think that if you've been going out with a girl long enough that you would be considering popping the question, she probably would have, at some point, mentioned what type of ring she'd want to get, so pay attention to that.

As for traditions changing, I think that many women find something romantic about a kind of old-fashioned engagement (i.e. asking the father first, making it a surprise, etc.).

Also, I know that chobohoya got engaged late last year, so he might have some particularly meaningful insight if he decides to respond.

Re: Popping the question
 

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No clue man, sorry. I thought that's how it worked [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] Maybe I should learn for the near future..

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Damn, what do parents teach us kids these days

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Rings aside, I'd be sure and ask her parents beforehand. +EV.

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all i know is, if i ever ask this question, it's going to be more of a "yo, you wanna do this thing?" kind of scenario.

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Its pretty much a given with my girlfriend and I, and we are just waiting until we have some money squirreled away.

On a side note, I absolutely despise the whole diamond industry and tradition of somehow proving my love with an incredibly expensive rock. Two months salary? I think not. Given that my girlfriend is not a money-grubbing whore, but isn't a hippy either, is there any way I can get out of buying a ring?

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AFAIK, there are only two rings, the engagement ring (which is the fancy one with the big diamond) and the wedding band which is the simple gold ring. I think that some people do some kind of promise ring thing, where they get engaged to be engaged, but I think that's kind of silly.

Re: Popping the question
 

There's actually a lot of symbolism that goes into the tradition of giving a diamond wedding ring, so I think that even a girl who isn't a money-grubbing whore is gonna want one.

I would check out BlueNile.com, they are supposedly despised by the diamond industry because they undercut the general market by so much.

Re: Popping the question
 

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I'm only 19, so I don't plan on having to do this anytime in the near future, but I feel it's an area where I should be knowledgeable.

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This statement is so disturbing on so many levels.

Lucky for you I have had just enough beers to enlighten you.

Al Bundy said it best when he said:

"A man is a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife."

You say "I don't plan on having to do this..." Thats the thing. Society has brainwashed us into thinking that marriage is the natural progression of manhood. You get educated, you meet someone, you get married, you have kids... blah blah blah.

Why is it a prerequisite of adulthood to get married? Women feel this pressure more than men do. They get into their mid to late 20's and all of a sudden their friends of similar ages have families and it immediately becomes paramount that they follow suit. This of course increases the pressure on their S.O.s and on men in general exponentially.

You also say: "but I feel it's an area where I should be knowledgeable."

Why? Do you feel that it is your duty to be someone's 'knight in shining armor'? Do you feel obligated to someday be married?

The thing is, and the point of all this is that marriage is not a bad thing when it's done the right way with the right person. But I think that there is a pressure put on young men in our society to settle down and get married and conform to all the things that fit that mold. Those pressures were there when your parents married but I think they're worse now.

I remember when I was in college and I was 19 when I entered what was the first 'serious' relationship of my life. Her parents treated me like a son after we'd been together only a short time and they acted like it was a foregone conclusion that we'd one day get married after we'd both graduated and such... the point is I felt additional pressure because of the conclusions others had come to about things when I wasn't ready for the committment, not did I ever feel like it was something I might ever want for myself.

Obviously this comes agross as a drunken rant (and rightfully so) but the thing is, I don't care how serious things are between you and your g/f (if you even have a g/f), you have a lot fo things you need to experience before the idea of marriage even enters your head.

Establish your education and your employment. Live life and realize that the committments will still be possible later in life. Don't let outside influences dictate your priorities.

This rant is over.

PG

Re: Popping the question
 

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I'm only 19, so I don't plan on having to do this anytime in the near future, but I feel it's an area where I should be knowledgeable.

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This statement is so disturbing on so many levels.

Lucky for you I have had just enough beers to enlighten you.

Al Bundy said it best when he said:

"A man is a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife."

You say "I don't plan on having to do this..." Thats the thing. Society has brainwashed us into thinking that marriage is the natural progression of manhood. You get educated, you meet someone, you get married, you have kids... blah blah blah.

Why is it a prerequisite of adulthood to get married? Women feel this pressure more than men do. They get into their mid to late 20's and all of a sudden their friends of similar ages have families and it immediately becomes paramount that they follow suit. This of course increases the pressure on their S.O.s and on men in general exponentially.

You also say: "but I feel it's an area where I should be knowledgeable."

Why? Do you feel that it is your duty to be someone's 'knight in shining armor'? Do you feel obligated to someday be married?

The thing is, and the point of all this is that marriage is not a bad thing when it's done the right way with the right person. But I think that there is a pressure put on young men in our society to settle down and get married and conform to all the things that fit that mold. Those pressures were there when your parents married but I think they're worse now.

I remember when I was in college and I was 19 when I entered what was the first 'serious' relationship of my life. Her parents treated me like a son after we'd been together only a short time and they acted like it was a foregone conclusion that we'd one day get married after we'd both graduated and such... the point is I felt additional pressure because of the conclusions others had come to about things when I wasn't ready for the committment, not did I ever feel like it was something I might ever want for myself.

Obviously this comes agross as a drunken rant (and rightfully so) but the thing is, I don't care how serious things are between you and your g/f (if you even have a g/f), you have a lot fo things you need to experience before the idea of marriage even enters your head.

Establish your education and your employment. Live life and realize that the committments will still be possible later in life. Don't let outside influences dictate your priorities.

This rant is over.

PG

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Dude, he's just asking about how the ring thing works. Well put though, I agree.

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That's a really good post PG.

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Dude, he's just asking about how the ring thing works.

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Well I lost a bet with myself on how long it would take for someone to call me out on that.

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Well put though, I agree.

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Thanks I think.

Re: Popping the question
 

I don't really understand your rant and objection to my statement.

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You say "I don't plan on having to do this..." Thats the thing. Society has brainwashed us into thinking that marriage is the natural progression of manhood. You get educated, you meet someone, you get married, you have kids... blah blah blah.

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Where did I say that it is the natural progression of manhood? I don't plan on having to cook a lobster anytime soon either, and who knows, I may never cook a lobster. I may cook one next month. It's something that I am simply allowing for the possibility of.

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You also say: "but I feel it's an area where I should be knowledgeable."

Why? Do you feel that it is your duty to be someone's 'knight in shining armor'? Do you feel obligated to someday be married?

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Again, in no way did I indicate I feel the obligation to marry someone ever. I feel I should have the knowledge of how it works though, in case the situation ever does come along. It could lead to some unsettling situations if I totally ignored these norms if I ever did decide to ask a girl to marry me.


I completely agree with your post, but I don't see how it applies to what I said.

Re: Popping the question
 

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Dude, he's just asking about how the ring thing works.

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Well I lost a bet with myself on how long it would take for someone to call me out on that.

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Well put though, I agree.

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Thanks I think.

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You're welcome. What you said is correct, but I suspect OP knows he's not duty-bound . You my friend, though, may be the man who's going to lead us through this young millenium.

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I don't really understand your rant and objection to my statement.

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Most of my post was a generalization about society as a whole.

I never objected to your post, only that 19 is way too young to get married in almost every capacity.

Well if you are only interested in the subject for your own edification here's my take:

A lot of couples plan their marriage without there ever being as moment of 'popping the question'. I don't know the percentage of this, but I would have to figure it to be a significant amount.

Some people get married because the woman is pregnant. Some get married because they already have one or more kids together. Some get married because they've been dating and living together for seven years.

The point is, a lot of people get married because they think they are expected to be married based on circumstances. All I was getting at was make sure it's for the right reasons. 'No reason' is no reason to get married.

As far as proposing goes, a drunk lesbian friend of mine once said to me "chivalry is dead'. I don't think there's a wrong way. The more romantic you are about it, the more likely you are to get some ass for your efforts.

That is all.

PG

Re: Popping the question
 

ooh, I'm sorry, the answer we were looking for was, "scoreboard at a basketball game".

Re: Popping the question
 

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You my friend, though, may be the man who's going to lead us through this young millenium.

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DAH DAH DUN DAH DUN DAH.... CHARGE!!!!!!

I'd be happy to lead the revolution if only it weren't too late for me... [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Re: Popping the question
 

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ooh, I'm sorry, the answer we were looking for was, "scoreboard at a basketball game".

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Clearly, but does she know this is going to happen first? And did you talk to her dad about it, and tell him to turn on channel 6?

Re: Popping the question
 

please dont get married sir!

Re: Popping the question
 

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ooh, I'm sorry, the answer we were looking for was, "scoreboard at a basketball game".

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I gotta think 80% of the time this happens, the couple is already engaged. Just putting on a show.

Re: Popping the question
 

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Damn, what do parents teach us kids these days

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Nothing. What do you think OOT is for?

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Damn, what do parents teach us kids these days

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Nothing. What do you think OOT is for?

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It's pretty sad how true this statement is in a lot of cases. I wish I had known about OOT in high school(though I also wish no one in high school knew about OOT).

Re: Popping the question
 

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I gotta think 80% of the time this happens, the couple is already engaged. Just putting on a show.

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I should hope so. As much as you could love someone, I'd want to be pretty damn sure she's gonna say yes before I ask her in front of a couple thousand people.

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I was asked over a sashimi platter in Bali, it worked out. No ring though [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Re: Popping the question
 

Stop encouraging PokerGoblin. That drunken rant made the OP out to be some sort of slave to conformity all for asking a simple question about getting engaged. Most people get married and start a family because they want too. The few people I know that feel otherwise openly state so, and don't make plans to get married.

Re: Popping the question
 

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ooh, I'm sorry, the answer we were looking for was, "scoreboard at a basketball game".

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I gotta think 80% of the time this happens, the couple is already engaged. Just putting on a show.

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I saw a clip on the news of a guy proposing at a Wizards game and getting completely shot down, his girlfriend walking away in tears. It was quite hilarious.

Re: Popping the question
 

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ooh, I'm sorry, the answer we were looking for was, "scoreboard at a basketball game".

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I gotta think 80% of the time this happens, the couple is already engaged. Just putting on a show.

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I saw a clip on the news of a guy proposing at a Wizards game and getting completely shot down, his girlfriend walking away in tears. It was quite hilarious.

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That was staged.

Re: Popping the question
 

really? any link to corroborate your story?

Re: Popping the question
 

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Given that my girlfriend is not a money-grubbing whore, but isn't a hippy either, is there any way I can get out of buying a ring?

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Yeah, make sure she knows what a cheap bastard you are so she'll say no when you ask!

I kid, I kid... [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Re: Popping the question
 

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Given that my girlfriend is not a money-grubbing whore, but isn't a hippy either, is there any way I can get out of buying a ring?

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Shark tooth necklace.

And you could have a bell, so the beggars and urchins could run away when you are coming, and save the time to ask for spare pennies.

Re: Popping the question
 

This actually reminds me of something. When my parents got engaged, my dad had just started his own business and money was kind of tight, so even though they knew that they wanted to get married, he couldn't afford an engagement ring.

So naturally, 25 years down the line, my dad owns a successful restaurant, money isn't tight any more, so you'd better believe that my mom wants her engagement ring.

I guess the short answer is no, there's no way of getting out of it.

Personally, I would want to buy it for her, and I'd want to buy her the biggest, most beautiful most expensive ring I ould find because I worked with a girl over the summer who had gotten engaged and with all the ooohs and aaahs her ring got, I'm sure she felt like the envy of everyone she saw. So, I would want nothing more than for my future wife to feel that exact same way.

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really? any link to corroborate your story?

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I remember this too, I am pretty sure that ESPN ran both the original proposal and then the admission that it was faked the next day.

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really? any link to corroborate your story?

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I remember this too, I am pretty sure that ESPN ran both the original proposal and then the admission that it was faked the next day.

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That is correct, it was a spoof!

nba.com link .

Re: Popping the question
 

To answer the original question, which no one managed to do, the answer is there is no answer, depends on the girl and the circumstances. A good general rule is one should never ask the question unless you know the answer is going to be yes. Beyond that, it's up to you.

Personally, when I proposed in 1999, my girlfriend knew I was going to do it, she just didn't know when and where. And since she was previously married and had a kid, asking her father was not in the cards, not to mention the fact that he wouldn't approve, since I'm not the right religion. Also, my wife's ex had royally screwed up the ring thing, so no ring. We were going to do that together.

We were taking a walk one day when she mentioned something that told me this was the perfect place and time to do it. Completely shocked her. So much so that she gave a non-standard response for about 5 seconds, before switching to yes.

The ring was not going to be the standard diamond solitaire, we had decided on some sort of sapphire. We'd know it when we saw it. And 2 months later, we found it.

So there. Completely unconventional. Adjust to your circumstances. And don't let anyone tell you it has to be a certain way, that's completely up to the two of you. If you know her well enough to marry her, you should know her well enough to get it right.

Re: Popping the question
 

Just make sure she says yes. I had someone say no before and it sucked...oh well.

Re: Popping the question
 

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Stop encouraging PokerGoblin. That drunken rant made the OP out to be some sort of slave to conformity all for asking a simple question about getting engaged. Most people get married and start a family because they want too. The few people I know that feel otherwise openly state so, and don't make plans to get married.

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I am sorry, I hadn't realized this was such sensitive subject matter to some people here.

I made no inferences about the OP being a 'slave to conformity', nor did I ever refer to him directly. I don't know him.

PG