Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

Ok, so here is my dilema: I have been married for 13 years, and my wife seems to have no sex drive at all. When I say none, I mean we have sex on average about once per quarter!

Now here is the thing. I am not your everday macho-idiot who only seeks one thing (although it would be nice to get that one thing). I am a stay at home dad who cooks, cleans, plays soccer-dad, coaches, gives the wife back rubs, and sends her off on girls weekends and happy hours.

Is there anything I can do short of an affair or divorce that will allow me to have sex in my relationship again (and no, masturbation does not count - sorry guys).

Thanks for any suggestions in advance.

And to any ladies who actually lurk in this place, it would be nice to get your side of things even moreso.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

I don't know, try talking to her about?

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

See a sex therapist? Have you talked to her about why you don't have sex anymore?

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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I don't know, try talking to her about?

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seriously, if you haven't had a conversation about this you need help.

and we're not going to be able to help unless we know why she isn't giving it up.

"my uncle touched me" and "your nuts stink like hell" require totally different plans of attack.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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I don't know, try talking to her about?

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Ok, before I get 10 posters stating the obvious....yes, we have talked about this over and over. It generally comes down to her being stressed at work and such. This is why I tend to give her time to relax and re-energize with her friends and such.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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"my uncle touched me" and "your nuts stink like hell" require totally different plans of attack.

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This right here is pure genious!

Swede

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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"my uncle touched me" and "your nuts stink like hell" require totally different plans of attack.

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This right here is pure genious!

Swede

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As much as I hate to admit it, I must agree! [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Generally her argument is stress. I am a person who deals well with stress, so its hard for me to relate to this, however. I did get her a spa package not long ago, but that didn't seem to help much?

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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I don't know, try talking to her about?

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Ok, before I get 10 posters stating the obvious....yes, we have talked about this over and over. It generally comes down to her being stressed at work and such. This is why I tend to give her time to relax and re-energize with her friends and such.

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I don't buy that. What is a better way to relieve stress than to have sex?

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

Is this a recent, sudden, or gradual change?

If it happened over a relatively short period of time, seroiusly consider the fact that she's cheating on you. In any case, I'd also advise going to a marriage counselor/psychiatrist type of person. They'll be able to root out the problem - whether there's an acceptable solution is a whole other thing - and its easily worth the expense.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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I don't know, try talking to her about?

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Ok, before I get 10 posters stating the obvious....yes, we have talked about this over and over. It generally comes down to her being stressed at work and such. This is why I tend to give her time to relax and re-energize with her friends and such.

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I don't buy that. What is a better way to relieve stress than to have sex?

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I tend to agree, but apparently she doesn't.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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Is this a recent, sudden, or gradual change?

If it happened over a relatively short period of time, seroiusly consider the fact that she's cheating on you. In any case, I'd also advise going to a marriage counselor/psychiatrist type of person. They'll be able to root out the problem - whether there's an acceptable solution is a whole other thing - and its easily worth the expense.

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I have been over this one in my mind for some time, but I don't think this is the case. My son is now 3, and since his birth things have been quite slow. I know many women go through this after pregnancy, but I was hoping we would be back to normal by now.

I think the shrink might just be the way to go.

Thanks

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

Are you sure it's not because you are a stay-at-home dad?

Some women have funny ideas about men who don't bring home the bacon.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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Are you sure it's not because you are a stay-at-home dad?

Some women have funny ideas about men who don't bring home the bacon.

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Completely her idea! But I guess its not out of the question.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

Hate to bring this up, but are you sure she's not already getting it someplace else?

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

Perhaps your wife has poor self-esteem, and doesn't feel sexually attractive. Or conversely, maybe she isn't as attracted to you as she once was.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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Perhaps your wife has poor self-esteem, and doesn't feel sexually attractive.

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This happens to lots of women when they have kids.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

And if this is the case, the only thing you can do is give her space. Maybe try to exercise together or something. Try to convince her that she is still attractive and turns you on.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

Do you look the same now? If you've gained a lot of weight or something, maybe she just doesn't find you attractive anymore.

Sending her off on "girl" weekends is not a good idea. If you're not having sex, you should at least be trying to get things going again with a fun weekend trip - together. Plus, it gives her a very easy way to get HER physical needs satisfied without you knowing about it.

Seriously - her saying she's "stressed out" is not an valid excuse. Something is wrong and you need to make it very clear that you love her, you want her, but you are not going to spend the next 50 years in a sexless marriage. So she needs to A) start happily banging you again, or, B) go to a therapist together.

3 years is too long to wait for someone's libido to come back.

Good luck!

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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Perhaps your wife has poor self-esteem, and doesn't feel sexually attractive. Or conversely, maybe she isn't as attracted to you as she once was.

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Both of these are very valid points. She does have a somewhat low self-image (although she looks better today then she did when we met). I have put on a few pounds over the years, but I am currently training for next years triathlon season so maybe that one will take care of itself.

Thanks for the input.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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And if this is the case, the only thing you can do is give her space.

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I disagree with this entirely. She needs to be reassured, and she needs to be reassured by you. Buy her lingerie. Go shopping and convince her to buy some sexy clothes. Take her to the...uhhh...adult novelty store. Do whatever you can to make her feel sexy.

edit: and when I say sexy, I don't mean romantic. Even a lot of women think they want to be romanced but they're wrong. If she's not feeling sexy then romance isn't what she needs. She needs to be made to feel hot!

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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I am a stay at home dad who cooks, cleans, plays soccer-dad, coaches, gives the wife back rubs, and sends her off on girls weekends and happy hours

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How has he not gotten flamed for this yet?

http://members.tripod.com/~CharmPrincess/ahem.gif

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

you share that girl.

see a therapist, don't post to oot.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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My son is now 3, and since his birth things have been quite slow. I know many women go through this after pregnancy, but I was hoping we would be back to normal by now.



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3 years seems like an awful long time for postpartum depression to be the only problem.

There are some deeper issues surrounding the birth of your son that she doesnt recognize or doesnt wish to talk about. Maybe she felt sex was mostly used for procreation rather then enjoyment, now she has the kid there is no reason for sex. Maybe she has issues with how she perceives her body and her attractiveness since the birth, maybe she, well you get the picture.

Professional help is probably your best and only solution at this point in time

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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And if this is the case, the only thing you can do is give her space.

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I disagree with this entirely. She needs to be reassured, and she needs to be reassured by you. Buy her lingerie. Go shopping and convince her to buy some sexy clothes. Take her to the...uhhh...adult novelty store. Do whatever you can to make her feel sexy.

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I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.

I do constantly reassure her, and tell her how much she means to me.

At the risk of being flamed by the "manly" guys I am a family man who loves his position in life, just not so much in the bedroom.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

One idea when comes comes in form work then lights out candles on, maybe a hot soak in the bath together. Then instead of backrub have give her proper massage with relaxing oils with candles on still, as she destresses and relaxes make the massage more sexual. Obviously may have to wait for the kids to bed.

Inject some passion back in, give her spur of the moment hugs and kisses, initiate sex in different places, have a night out like when you first met as if its a first date. Get some toys, maybe one of them sex games which have suggestions on it. SOunds like you can communicate both write down 10 things would like and make sure do 1 a week for a few weeks.

Just have to break the current habits make it exciting again.

what about a dirty weekend away you and her locked away in a hotel room few toys, some nice wine and stuff and spend time for you guys.

Sometimes its hard when have kids and all the rushing around and stresses of running a normal family and work that the you (as in couple) time gets lost. Take some time out for yourselves even if only one night a week where the kids goto bed and you spend a proper evening together over a meal, cuddling up watching a dvd with some wine whatever.

Break the cycle and spice it up and I am sure the rewards will come.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.

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There are two possibilities here. One is that she knows she has a problem and she's trying to make herself feel better about herself...sexier, which is good. She knows there's a problem. The other is that she's got a new boyfriend. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

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I do constantly reassure her, and tell her how much she means to me.

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Don't tell her how much she means to you. Make her feel SEXY! These are not the same things.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.


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She's banging some other guy. You really need to seek some professional help here.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside

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Does the tattoo actually say "I'm cheating on my husband" or is that just implied?

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear).

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Uh oh. It'll be interesting - if you decide to go that route - how she'll react when you bring up marriage counseling/psychiatrist.

EDIT: The "uh oh" was for the same reason as jaydub's response.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.


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wow she's totally cheating

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

I think if I'm in your shoes I'd probably see it as 50/50 she's cheating on you. You should confront her, and if she's not then maybe counseling would help. If she is, I don't know....Ike Turner?

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.


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She's banging some other guy. You really need to seek some professional help here.

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Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I don't like the sound of that either. If she is allegedly too stressed out to care about having sex, then why is she doing such things that are intened to increase her sex appeal?

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.

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Whoa. I don't know much about women but surely there is something in this. I'll leave it to Dom to extrapolate the significance.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.

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There are two possibilities here. One is that she knows she has a problem and she's trying to make herself feel better about herself...sexier, which is good. She knows there's a problem. The other is that she's got a new boyfriend. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]


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I agree if she is a thirtysomthing woman she may well be feeling it and wanting to feel young again, but there is other possibilities but people can be too quik to jump to conclusions.

Americans are very quick to say therapy as well I have noticed in the replies. I think some more them time is needed not more out with the girls time.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

When I read your initial post, I though that maybe she did not feel attractive anymore or that your marriage had become too routine. Then I read about the LBT and the thongs. As a woman (who has been married before) I found this behavior troublesome and I seriously think she is being unfaithful. If you are not the one enjoying her new accessories, somebody else is. Has she been working late? Has she gone to see friends more than usual? Stress at work is not a good enough excuse IMO.
I would not recommend buying her anything. Seeing a therapist would be a better idea or start following her around.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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If she is allegedly too stressed out to care about having sex, then why is she doing such things that are intened to increase her sex appeal?

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She realizes she has a problem and these are things she's doing conscously or unconsiously to boost her self-esteem and make herself feel sexy again.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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If she is allegedly too stressed out to care about having sex, then why is she doing such things that are intened to increase her sex appeal?

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She realizes she has a problem and these are things she's doing conscously or unconsiously to boost her self-esteem and make herself feel sexy again.

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I don't buy that for one second.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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If she is allegedly too stressed out to care about having sex, then why is she doing such things that are intened to increase her sex appeal?

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She realizes she still wants some cack and these are things she's doing conscously or unconsiously to help her look hotter to the [censored] she's cheating with

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Is this what you meant, Jake?

Swede

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

Talk to her about it. If that doesn't help get her to go to group marital counseling with you.

Re: Just another sorry thirty-something!
 

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If she is allegedly too stressed out to care about having sex, then why is she doing such things that are intened to increase her sex appeal?

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She realizes she still wants some cack and these are things she's doing conscously or unconsiously to help her look hotter to the [censored] she's cheating with

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Is this what you meant, Jake?

Swede

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I did say that was a possibility.