Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

Ok, so here is the scoop. I'm a junior in college in a demanding major and I have aspirations of going to med school. I'll be taking the MCAT in April and a result I have next to no free time on my hands starting two days ago, not even to play p****. Over the summer, I started dating this girl. It's been over 4 months now and it's definitely the real deal. She's fun, im wholly attracted to her, and she understands that I have other stuff going on and doesn't need me to be around all the time, nor is she clingy. I can see us staying together a long time and maybe even getting married some day, who knows. Basically, she's just way cooler than any other girl I've ever really known or been with. Here is a picture of her; she's the one on the left: GF

The one thing about her is that she is kind of jealous. I can talk about other girls as much as I want in front of her and it's no big deal but as soon as I go and talk to someone that she isn't friends with while she is around she gets pissed about it, sometimes openly and admittedly, and sometimes not. While she definitely keeps me on my toes, she's not exactly a MENSA threat, and sometimes leaves me wanting for a serious conversation/discussion and intellectual stimulation that comes with them. I'm the kind that likes to have those fairly often. Though I might add that my GF is excellent at other forms of stimulation, which is quite nice.

So we are at the library the other day and this girl that I had a huge crush on Freshman year walks by and we start talking in front of my GF. This girl and I are friends in that we stop and talk whenever we see one another to see how everything is going but we don't hang out separately or anything like that (obviously). We certainly aren't "good friends" but I would like it if we were. She's really bright and cute and funny, possessing some of the things my girlfriend does not. Here is a picture of her, again on the left, as I know that is required on these hallowed pages: Friend that's a Girl
So what I want to know is this: How should I go about continuing/starting friendly relationships with other girls without getting under my girlfriend's skin? I'd like to clarify that I have no intentions whatsoever of breaking up with my girlfriend, cheating on her, etc. It's just too good a thing to mess up. I simply want to be be able to hang out with other girls. Though in the case of the girl above, that might be somewhat of a euphemism for keeping our friendship on a level amenable to possible advancement should my current GF and I go by the wayside. I dunno.

So I ask you, OOT, am I asking too much? Is there any way to get the best of both worlds of GF and friend or is there no woman in existence who is fully comfortable with this? All thoughts appreciated.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

Read other threads. You don't really want to be friends with those other girls, you want to [censored] them. Stop lying to yourself.


Pretending, in the abstract, that you really don't want to [censored] them and just want to talk to them. Tell your girlfriend to learn to [censored] deal with it, because in any work and social environment, outside of the Russian baths, there are going to be other women.

Oh, and you two will break up anyway once the proximity thing is gone.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

The first link is broken...

Fix that and I'll let u know what I think....

This is the 2nd Chick !

http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/9716/erm0jh.jpg

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

Quick, edit and fix your links.

I know you should always be prepared, but if you're lining up backup plans, maybe you aren't as in love as you think.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

Stick to having stimulating, intellectual relationships with men or tell your girlfriend to deal with it and don't give you [censored]. Those are your options.

Personally, I kind of understand where you're coming from. I like having stimulating conversation with women. They offer a different perspective on things. They are good for talking to about things that men don't talk about with each other. I actually wish I had more female friends that were willing to just be friends that I could talk to.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

Women are cats. They hate each other. That's why we men lie to women.

You think we like to lie? We have to. Don't deny what we men have been doing for thousands of years.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

OP, first link is still broken. yields "We're sorry, your session has timed out. To return to this shared album, please click on the 'View album' link in the invitation email." for me.

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I like having stimulating conversation with women. They offer a different perspective on things. They are good for talking to about things that men don't talk about with each other. I actually wish I had more female friends that were willing to just be friends that I could talk to.

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Hmm, this is an interesting juxtaposition with the "wife's new buddy" thread. Where do they converge? Maybe it's a modification of the men/women as friends thing. Men & women can be friends *as long as* the sex *doesn't* get in the way? For some people, certain situations, it's (relatively) easy to keep the sex out of the equation. For others, not.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

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The one thing about her is that she is kind of jealous.

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You've been seeing her for four months and she's already jealous of your interaction with other humans? She thinks she owns you. For as much [censored] as men take for objectifying women physically, women do the same thing in a social context and no one seems to care. You are an object that fulfills a purpose in her life: man-thing.

There are women that are comfortable with a man having relationships with other women. Many are comfortable with those relationships being social. Fewer are comfortable with those being physical. Unfortunately, you'll probably never get to exploit the fact that men can have a physical relationship with no social meaning because (almost all) women can't so this. BUT, women can have social relationships with no physical meaning, so if she won't let you, then you're getting the ass end of a double standard she holds.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

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I like having stimulating conversation with women. They offer a different perspective on things. They are good for talking to about things that men don't talk about with each other. I actually wish I had more female friends that were willing to just be friends that I could talk to.

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Hmm, this is an interesting juxtaposition with the "wife's new buddy" thread. Where do they converge? Maybe it's a modification of the men/women as friends thing. Men & women can be friends *as long as* the sex *doesn't* get in the way? For some people, certain situations, it's (relatively) easy to keep the sex out of the equation. For others, not.

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I think if there's a hard wall up in terms of NO SEX or other male-female type emotional attachment, and you both know the wall is there, it leaves you open to talk about a lot of things. There's only a problem if one of you either violates the wall or is afraid the other one will.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

I'll place money you have either cheated on other girls or likely aren't ready to settle down.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

You can obviously be upfront with this girl. Just tell her that you need to converse with other women. Tell her why like you told us. If she doesn't understand, then one of you is S.O.L.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

I have always had more female friends than male friends it somthing I am not prepared to change and my GF should just accept it. If she dont trust you then it isnt a very secure foundation to build a relationship on.

I suspect my GF has had issues of jealousy eg when I have met friends for luch and and evening out etc, but she hasnt voiced them and if she did would know that it aint going to change my behaviour or friends just because of that.

You are who you are she has to accept that.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

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I suspect my GF has had issues of jealousy eg when I have met friends for luch and and evening out etc,

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This is interesting. Evenings out with other women? To me jealousy would be perfectly understandable and justified. And in my opinion, you should realize that and just not do that to her.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

The tricky thing is that, for women, all that talking tends to create a male-female attachment. Don't you think? A man takes an interest in her ideas/thoughts/dreams/interests...makes her laugh...pays attention to her...that can be the start of a great friendship. (It can also be the setup for great sex, too. I guess that's where the wall comes in.)

Walls and flirting. Some women/relationships, a man/woman can't flirt. Flirting leads to f***ing.

Other relationships, a man/woman *can* flirt because they *know* there won't be any f***ing.

Back to the OP's GF...probably she realizes that sometimes these female-friend-relationships lead nowhere and sometimes they lead to cheating--so just easier to say, Don't have any of them. And not worry about sorting it out.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

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Tell her why like you told us.

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Just link her to this thread! [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

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The tricky thing is that, for women, all that talking tends to create a male-female attachment. Don't you think? A man takes an interest in her ideas/thoughts/dreams/interests...makes her laugh...pays attention to her...that can be the start of a great friendship. (It can also be the setup for great sex, too. I guess that's where the wall comes in.)

Walls and flirting. Some women/relationships, a man/woman can't flirt. Flirting leads to f***ing.

Other relationships, a man/woman *can* flirt because they *know* there won't be any f***ing.

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Yea. I guess I hope if the wall is there and I tell them I know the wall is there, they'll believe me and not worry about it. But you're right, both parties have to be in control of themselves enough to nipe any trouble in the bud. Personally, for me once I put the wall up, I have no problems.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

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The first link is broken...

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We need to compare !

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

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I suspect my GF has had issues of jealousy eg when I have met friends for luch and and evening out etc,

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This is interesting. Evenings out with other women ? To me jealousy would be perfectly understandable and justified. And in my opinion, you should realize that and just not do that to her.

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If it was a night out with the lads would that be alright then even if going to a strip club or chatting woman up? I am open and honest with her surely that is the important part. I work away from home and if I want to go out for a meal with a collegue or meet up for a drink later should it matter if they are male or female if its just friendship? Obviously some of these people I become good friends with and so often email, ring or meet up with when near where they are I still dont see a problem with it.

I went out a few times for drinks with a gay male collegue should she be worried then?

As I say she trust me or she doesnt.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

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This is interesting. Evenings out with other women ? To me jealousy would be perfectly understandable and justified. And in my opinion, you should realize that and just not do that to her.

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If it was a night out with the lads would that be alright then even if going to a strip club or chatting woman up? I am open and honest with her surely that is the important part. I work away from home and if I want to go out for a meal with a collegue or meet up for a drink later should it matter if they are male or female if its just friendship? Obviously some of these people I become good friends with and so often email, ring or meet up with when near where they are I still dont see a problem with it.

I went out a few times for drinks with a gay male collegue should she be worried then?

As I say she trust me or she doesnt.

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Every relationship is different. If she's fine with you doing that then so be it. But if I were in a serious relationship, and I knew something like that bothered her I wouldn't do it mostly because I guess I don't think it's appropriate myself. Out of town and have dinner or a drink with a colleague you're travelling with is one thing. To me that's a little different than, "I'll see you later, Honey. I'm going out drinking with Susie," which was what I was picturing.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

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It's been over 4 months now and it's definitely the real deal.

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As someone who has (hopefully) matured concerning relationships over the years, and who remembers very acutely being in a serious relatinoship during college (lasted many years after college)...

It's just too early to put these kinds of strains on a relationship. 4 months is a while, but not so long that you've developed real bonds of trust. If you are serious about staying with this girl for a while then...

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So we are at the library the other day and this girl that I had a huge crush on Freshman year walks by and we start talking in front of my GF. This girl and I are friends in that we stop and talk whenever we see one another to see how everything is going but we don't hang out separately or anything like that (obviously). We certainly aren't "good friends" but I would like it if we were. She's really bright and cute and funny, possessing some of the things my girlfriend does not.

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Uhm... do you think this is a good idea? Becoming better "friends" with a girl you used to have a huge crush on and obviously still have feelings for and are attracted to... this is probably not a smart move.

Are you so naive that you think you're in it 100% just to be friends? Would you be comfortable if your girlfriend we're doing the same thing to you? Even if she wasn't the jealous type - the situation as you described it is something that would / should bother her.

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So I ask you, OOT, am I asking too much? Is there any way to get the best of both worlds of GF and friend or is there no woman in existence who is fully comfortable with this? All thoughts appreciated.

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It's not possible right now with this specific girl. Maybe with a chick you aren't attracted to... who knows. But in general, I think the having the "best of both worlds" is not easy. As Dominic has explained time and time again - the relatinoships between men and women are just different - true "friendship" is a mirage of sorts.

That's why, if you want to be friends with a girl while in a serious relationship, hard and fast rules and barriers are important. This chick (who btw is not as cute as your girlfriend) does not meet the litmus test.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

For those requesting, here is another link to a picture of the GF:

In response to the actual posts:

I've been through more than a handful of relationships before this girl and at times when I was far less mature. I can say that I am more so now and know what it is that I am looking for. I know that I would not be in a relationship with someone if I couldn't continue to be so for a long time.

I feel that you can determine fairly early in a relationship whether or not it even has the chance to work out or not. I know guys who are with girls just to "have fun", knowing full well that they will break up with the girl at some point, sooner or later be damned. I would never do that and think it's asinine to do so. If you wanna have fun do so with zero attachments rather than a half-a**ed one. I know enough about this girl (we knew each other for a good while before we started dating) and her beliefs, goals in life, etc. that I want to keep dating her and see where it leads.

On that note, no, maybe it isn't a great idea to be talking to other girls that I'm attracted too but I'm not just going to ignore people I knew before I met my GF. And no I'm not so naive to think its just friends, otherwise I wouldn't be attracted to this other girl (who is really just a for example, I mean I still turn my head for girls all the time) or any other girl I know or will get to know. I don't think it makes me naive at all, but rather a typical human male.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

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This is interesting. Evenings out with other women ? To me jealousy would be perfectly understandable and justified. And in my opinion, you should realize that and just not do that to her.

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If it was a night out with the lads would that be alright then even if going to a strip club or chatting woman up? I am open and honest with her surely that is the important part. I work away from home and if I want to go out for a meal with a collegue or meet up for a drink later should it matter if they are male or female if its just friendship? Obviously some of these people I become good friends with and so often email, ring or meet up with when near where they are I still dont see a problem with it.

I went out a few times for drinks with a gay male collegue should she be worried then?

As I say she trust me or she doesnt.

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Every relationship is different. If she's fine with you doing that then so be it. But if I were in a serious relationship, and I knew something like that bothered her I wouldn't do it mostly because I guess I don't think it's appropriate myself. Out of town and have dinner or a drink with a colleague you're travelling with is one thing. To me that's a little different than, "I'll see you later, Honey. I'm going out drinking with Susie," which was what I was picturing.

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Its not people I am travelling with more people I meet at the client site, some of whom I have met later on months down the line if they or me are in the same area. An example a girl I worked with left and then got a job in London so was moving, I hired a van helped her move to London then had a night out with her and a few of her friends a meal and some beers sleeping over at her house after.

I dont think its wrong for her to feel jealous or uncomfortable, I do at time is she out with the girls when I am away it human nature, I think whats not good is when you use those feelings as a reason to try and change someones behaviour or that the person you love and want to be with feels pressured to change just because of it.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

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For those requesting, here is another link to a picture of the GF:

In response to the actual posts:

I've been through more than a handful of relationships before this girl and at times when I was far less mature. I can say that I am more so now and know what it is that I am looking for. I know that I would not be in a relationship with someone if I couldn't continue to be so for a long time.

I feel that you can determine fairly early in a relationship whether or not it even has the chance to work out or not. I know guys who are with girls just to "have fun", knowing full well that they will break up with the girl at some point, sooner or later be damned. I would never do that and think it's asinine to do so. If you wanna have fun do so with zero attachments rather than a half-a**ed one. I know enough about this girl (we knew each other for a good while before we started dating) and her beliefs, goals in life, etc. that I want to keep dating her and see where it leads.

On that note, no, maybe it isn't a great idea to be talking to other girls that I'm attracted too but I'm not just going to ignore people I knew before I met my GF. And no I'm not so naive to think its just friends, otherwise I wouldn't be attracted to this other girl (who is really just a for example, I mean I still turn my head for girls all the time) or any other girl I know or will get to know. I don't think it makes me naive at all, but rather a typical human male.

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Well yeah, I wasn't implying you're not a typical guy. I get that.

Sounds like you've given this some real thought, which is cool for your girlfriend.

I also think you can tell, after a few months, whether or not it has the chance to work out based on some basic qualities about the girl. However, there are many things one can do to derail the relationship. Like actively pursuing friendships with chicks you think are hot.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

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Its not people I am travelling with more people I meet at the client site, some of whom I have met later on months down the line if they or me are in the same area. An example a girl I worked with left and then got a job in London so was moving, I hired a van helped her move to London then had a night out with her and a few of her friends a meal and some beers sleeping over at her house after.

I dont think its wrong for her to feel jealous or uncomfortable, I do at time is she out with the girls when I am away it human nature, I think whats not good is when you use those feelings as a reason to try and change someones behaviour or that the person you love and want to be with feels pressured to change just because of it.

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To me this depends how big the change is. When you're in a relationship, everyone makes little sacrifices and compromises. Your behavior does change. You stop leaving the seat up in the bathroom, etc. I guess the difference is just what you consider to be a big change versus a little one. To me, not going out with other women is not a big deal to make her a little happier.

Re: Course of Action with Girls When in a Serious Relationship
 

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Its not people I am travelling with more people I meet at the client site, some of whom I have met later on months down the line if they or me are in the same area. An example a girl I worked with left and then got a job in London so was moving, I hired a van helped her move to London then had a night out with her and a few of her friends a meal and some beers sleeping over at her house after.

I dont think its wrong for her to feel jealous or uncomfortable, I do at time is she out with the girls when I am away it human nature, I think whats not good is when you use those feelings as a reason to try and change someones behaviour or that the person you love and want to be with feels pressured to change just because of it.

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To me this depends how big the change is. When you're in a relationship, everyone makes little sacrifices and compromises. Your behavior does change. You stop leaving the seat up in the bathroom, etc. I guess the difference is just what you consider to be a big change versus a little one. To me, not going out with other women is not a big deal to make her a little happier.

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After 7 years she has cracked me on the toilet seat thing [img]/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img], I share part of the house in my digs with a female and even when she was away for the weekend I was putting the seat down robot like as I do at home now.

FWIW its 8 years since we met coming up this weekend and she was telling me last night how she has been reading through cards I sent her when first met and since, and reflecting on our life together and how happy she is etc, so I dont do too bad by her.