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Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
They have re-instated the printable option; AND you may now search the archives. So, I am turning this into--
Post your favorite Onion article. This is probably my favorite; not the best, but it's often overlooked. point counterpoint October 11, 2000 | Issue 36•36 Point My Computer Totally Hates Me! By Vicki Helmholz About a month ago, I got a new computer here at my reception desk at the dentist's office, and, boy, does that thing have it in for me! I am not kidding. When it sees me coming, I swear, it must be all like, "Oh, goody, here comes Vicki... time to go on the fritz!" I mean, my computer seriously hates me! Now, I'm not exactly a computer person. I've never been what you'd call "user-friendly" or anything. But, for the life of me, I can't think of what I did to make my computer despise me so much! Whoever set it up, instead of putting in anti-virus software, must have accidentally put in anti-Vicki software! I'm pretty sure Dr. Glickman bought it used, which would explain why it's so darn screwy. Whenever I try to type in insurance information for a new patient, the keys always get stuck. And whenever I try to get billing info for a current account, it totally doesn't want to let me into the program! I'll be waiting and waiting for, like, two minutes while it groans and grinds before, finally, the screen comes up. I'll be like, "Well, it's about time! What were you doing, surfing the Internet?" And then there are the times when I'll want to print out an appointment reminder for a patient, and it simply won't do it for me. I'll be like, "Come onnnnnn! Are you trying to give me even more gray hairs than the seven I already have?" I am telling you, if there's a meaner computer out there in the world, I haven't met it yet! Yup, that darn computer of mine is having a great big laugh at poor Vicki's expense. Lots of times, I'll be online, e-mailing a girlfriend or checking out the Dancing Hamsters if I need a pick-me-up, and the screen will just completely freeze. I had no idea computers could have "one of those days," but go figure! There's nothing I can do but unplug the thing, plug it back in, and start all over again. Don't get me wrong; it's nice to have a new computer. But sometimes I think I'd rather go back to my sweet old little one than spend all day fighting with Mr. Moody here. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Counterpoint God, Do I Hate That Bitch By Dell Dimension 4100 Jesus Christ. Where should I start with this ignorant cow? Actually, let's start with me. I am a brand-new, state-of-the-art Dell Dimension 4100, although, if all you had to go by was Vicki, you'd think my name was "Tweety Bird Sticker Receptacle." She's got me faggoted up like a 10-year-old girl's notebook. Never mind that Dr. Glickman screwed up and bought this colossal ditz of a receptionist more computer than she could ever possibly need for record-keeping at a small dentist's office. (As if 40 unused gigs of hard drive are necessary to print Bobby Cloninger's mom a reminder that he's having that cavity filled on the 11th.) I'm powerful enough to monitor a cooling tower, but that's not even what I'm bitching about. I'd rather be owned by some acne-scarred teenage girl who only used me to write shitty poetry, so long as she actually read the manual that came with me. "Programmed in some anti-Vicki software." Holy [censored], I want to kill her. I feature a one-Gigahertz Pentium III processor and 128 megabytes of RAM. And this broad is whining that I'm not fast enough. A [censored] Lamborghini isn't fast enough if you don't know how to shift, brainiac. And, believe it or not, you actually have to exit a program when you're done with it. Not just close the window. You actually have to select "Close" from the File menu. Or, better yet, Alt-F4 on your keyboard. I'm not gonna take the fall just because you left RealPlayer, AOL Instant Messager, Microsoft Word, ACT! 2000, WinAmp, McAfee First Aid, and the sound- and video-card software all open, and you're trying to open Excel! All that stuff costs RAM, dumbass. Maybe if you'd check the system tray once a month. The precise reason I'm "groaning and grinding so much" is that your stupid catalog of open programs is so taxing to my RAM that it forces me to open virtual memory, which is gonna be slow as hell no matter what computer you're on. And, hey, Vicki, if you're having trouble with sticky keys, maybe you should think about not eating so goddamn many blueberry muffins while you're at your desk. (This Einstein seems to think the area beneath my keys is a gateway to an interdimensional netherworld where crumbs are magically whisked away, never to be seen again.) Oh, and technical wizards who roamed the Earth generations ago came up with a magic fix-all for a printer that doesn't work: Turn the [censored] thing on. That cable connecting me to the printer isn't a friggin' power cable. You actually need actual electricity to actually flow into the actual printer for it to actually work. Now, as for system freezes: Maybe if you didn't install that gay-ass shareware inspirational-saying screensaver, you wouldn't have had so many software conflicts. But, with the damage already done there, you could at least hit Control-Alt-Delete and click "End Task" to close down a frozen program. That's Control and Alt and Delete, all at the same time! Isn't that fascinating? Oh, before I forget: If I do freeze up, my reset button is located in the front. Press it and... voila! Do not unplug me and then plug me back in. Do you have any clue how much that [censored] pisses me off? (Why did I even bother asking you that? Of course you don't. You're Vicki Helmholz, the world's dumbest dental-office receptionist.) I don't even have time to go into this sad excuse for a computer user's misuse of the term "user-friendly." If there were a merciful God in Heaven, He would give me arms that I might strangle this bitchwad. |
Re: Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
the onion is genius.
if you like sports and the onion i guarantee youll like the brushback, the archives there are awesome as well. |
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Re: Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
I actually had this one article saved...
To Our Valued Customers |
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I couldn't put this one in the thread about TV, but it's so spot on. Priceless. [/ QUOTE ] Funny because it's so true. |
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This is the funniest I've ever seen: God Answers Prayers of Paralyzed Little Boy [/ QUOTE ] When they mention his parents, I lost my [censored]. |
Re: Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
this is great news (and wow, is their site slow!). here's one of my all-time favorites: crazy man announces plans to stand in doorway, yell at cars all day
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this is great news (and wow, is their site slow!). here's one of my all-time favorites: crazy man announces plans to stand in doorway, yell at cars all day [/ QUOTE ] It's always slow on wednesday(s). I actually stopped reading the onion for a while because they removed the print option. Need something to take into my private bathroom ya know. |
Re: Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
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Addressing reporters, the 47-year-old Fife said, "At approximately 9:30 a.m. on the day in question, shortly after I finish lunging at dogs, I will proceed to the front steps of the Simmons Building and yell loudly for nine hours. The screaming will be broken by a 15-minute fit of rigid catatonia, most likely in the late afternoon." Among the topics Fife plans to address during his nine-hour rant: the ace of diamonds, bookshelves, the man trying to kill him, those goddamn bananas, people from St. Louis, closed-up straws, Trapper John, MD, and papers, papers everywhere. "I may briefly stray from my agenda to urinate into the revolving door at the building's entrance," Fife said, "but, for the most part, I will focus on the task at hand and spend the bulk of the day yelling at the various passing cars." [/ QUOTE ] Dude, when they are on, they are ON. |
Re: Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
man this thread could get huge...just think of all the herbert kornfeld, smoov b, and jim anchower columns that are awesome. COMEDY PLUTONIUM!
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Re: Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
yeah i like the cruise, smoove b and herbert kornfeld.
also the "depends aren't very dependable" article was genius. "Everything was going fine till taco day" |
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This was always one of my favorites.
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Re: Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
This is awesome. I would link to one, but it's the one you linked to.
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lol, these are pretty good
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lol, I was wondering what was supposed to be funny and almost left without looking at the conterpoint
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The whole post-9/11 issue was a classic, but this is probably the best of the best.
God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule September 26, 2001 | Issue 37•34 NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday. "Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand." Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called "an unending cycle of violence." "I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again." The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe. "I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?" "But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody's spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder people.'" Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur'an. "To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it—My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall." God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as "wonderful, pious people," calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare exceptions. "This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason," God said. "There's no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club." Continued God, "Read the book: 'Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no, some assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just to further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain." God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions. "I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this same mistake since the dawn of time," God said. "The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the other cheek,' but you've been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades." Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can't you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism... every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you're supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It's not that hard a concept to grasp." "Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other—you've been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!" God said. "The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?" "I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore—ever! I'm [censored] serious!" Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept. |
Re: Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
an av club classic: andrew wk interview (trust me on this one).
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God gives shout out back to his niggaz [/ QUOTE ] this was another i thought of right away but i couldn't remember enough to find it. definitely a classic (especially the images). |
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Re: Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
I'm partial to Heads need to be cracked in and Ask a salmon
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Re: Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
Oh wow. The salmon one is really funny.
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Ask a salmon [/ QUOTE ] on that note, ask sir mix-a-lot is not to be missed. the picture of him is [censored] awesome. |
Re: Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
Wow usually their site isn't this slow. When sites do much changing, they usually slow down quite a bit for at least a while.
Big cheers for making things printable. This stuff is too great to be lost. The funniest stuff on the net, by far. I have so many favorite articles! Some of my biggest favorites tend to be about self-loathing salesmen, office politics and the piteous sniveling worms involved therein. I think you get a truer picture of American life in The Onion than you do most anywhere else. |
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Here's one of my favorites:
Vatican Rescinds Blessed Status of World's Meek Another favorite was titled "Harry Potter Books Spark Rise in Satanism Among Children," but I can't seem to find it on the Onion site. I have a portion of it from an old e-mail: [ QUOTE ] "The Harry Potter books are cool, 'cause they teach you all about magic and how you can use it to control people and get revenge on your enemies," said Hartland, WI, 10-year-old Craig Nowell, a recent convert to the New Satanic Order Of The Black Circle. "I want to learn the Cruciatus Curse, to make my muggle science teacher suffer for giving me a D." "Hermione is my favorite, because she's smart and has a kitty," said 6-year-old Jessica Lehman of Easley, SC. "Jesus died because He was weak and stupid." "I used to believe in what they taught us at Sunday School," said 9-year-old Ashley, conjuring up an ancient spell to summon Cerebus, the three headed hound of hell. "But the Harry Potter books showed me that magic is real, something I can learn and use right now, and that the Bible is nothing but boring lies." Since 1995, open applicants to Satan worship has increased from around 100,000 to 14 million children. "Harry is an absolute godsend to our cause," said High Priest Egan of the First Church Of Satan in Salem, MA. "An organization like ours thrives on new blood – no pun intended -- and we've had more applicants than we can handle lately. And, of course, practically all of them are virgins, which is gravy." [/ QUOTE ] The great thing about that one was that some people thought it was a serious article. |
Re: Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
Very good one.
Here's one I just found about OOT'ers visiting the future: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27867 |
Re: Best News I Have Heard All Week Re: The Onion
my all time favorite: coca cola to introduce new 30-liter
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