Dear bison... June 2005.
 

I just got back from Vegas, where a few things became clear:

1. I am taller than you thought.

2. Enough people enjoy my advice threads to justify posting these on an ongoing basis.

3. Some of you are still in desperate need of help.

4. Someone needs to buy me a black t-shirt that says Internet Celebrity in gold writing across the back.

Thus here's the third installment in a series of threads designed to save 2+2 posters from themselves.

So whether your typical weekend involves getting drunk in your closet and pooping your pants, paying strippers for blowjobs, silently plotting the demise of all who now ignore you or all of the above, ask me a question (starting with Dear Bison), and I will tell you how to repair the shattered remnants of your life.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Bison,

Although this is OOT, I have to quickly mention that variance blows hard so I needed money this summer and have failed to make any over the last month and a half through poker. I have also just hurt my back in a serious way so I won't be able to do any physical work for a week or two. Do you know of any other ways to make money sitting on my butt, preferably in front of my computer, in a short period of time [a month or so]? This is most likely an absurd question, but you have been known to work miracles in the past.

Sincerely.
Emmitt2222

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Emmitt,

If you can walk and sit and type, contact local temp agencies and see if they can hook you up. You will soon be underpaid, and you will be underpaid soon.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

uh more poker...ride out the variance

-Barron

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Start writing.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear bison,

Please recommend a recipe that's spicy, meaty, grilled, and a complete meal.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Illunious,

Chili with grilled chicken.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Bison,

I've played competitive golf since my 8th grade summer. I currently play college golf for a very competitive NJCAA team (top 10 in the nation). Next year I'll be a sophomore, and I'd like to (well at least today) continue playing after next year. Here are my scoring averages from 8th grade to last year.

8th- 88
9th- 84
10th- 79
11th 74.5
12th- 78 (I discovered mary jane)
Fsh. College- 79 (I discovered poker)

From my 8th grade year to my 11th grade year I was extremely motivated and a very dedicated golfer. The last two years I've had off and on motivation. I've done very well for myself playing poker over the last year, so I don't plan to quit, but it has definitely hurt my golf game. In addition, college life can also be a huge distraction to my golf game. I struggled last year with balance in my life. I currently have more motivation than I've had in about a year, and I plan on giving it my all on the golf course, but I'm afraid it won't last. Any advice is appreciated. TIA

Side note: sorry that I suck at organizing my thoughts ...

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

[ QUOTE ]
Dear Illunious,

Chili with grilled chicken.

[/ QUOTE ]

LMAO

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Waco,

There are a lot of worthwhile ways to spend your time. Studying, smoking pot, poker, drinking, partying, golf, and having a 9-5 job are all fine hobbies if kept in proportion to how happy they make you.

In the end, you will end up playing exactly as much golf as you feel like playing. You may decide that you enjoy golf so much that it ends up taking up a lot of your time, and you'll likely improve. But the effort is going to follow the enjoyment.

If your self-image depends on becoming a scratch golfer, then I would suggest changing how you evaluate yourself.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Bison,

I have some nightly flatulence problems that cause some discomfort while I am sitting and being idle. The problem is further amplified whenever I am masturbating. I would like to be able to masturbate without feeling like I am ready to let one rip. Do you have any suggestions?

Lawrence

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

[ QUOTE ]
If your self-image depends on becoming a scratch golfer, then I would suggest changing how you evaluate yourself.

[/ QUOTE ]

It has nothing to do with my self-image. I know a countless number of men who wonder to themselves why they didn't try 110% in their sport. I realize that my numbers aren't overly impressive, but when I WAS working my ass off I improved with amazing consistency. When I am 35 years old, I don't wanna look back and wonder what might have been. Days like today make me kick myself in the ass for blowing off the last two years. I wish I could keep the same mindset I currently have.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear bison,

I have been dating a wonderful girl for two years. We have a vacation planned in August to Niagara Falls, Toronto and the lakes to the north. I am going to ask her to marry me.

What I need to know is how, when and where I should propose?

At the beginning or middle of the week long trip?
In public or in private?
Niagara Falls, Toronto or lakeside getaway?
Maid of the Mist, Niagara Glen, spanish aerocar, etc.

Please help bison, TripleH.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Waco,

That thing you're talking about where you're 15 years older and looking back and feeling like you wasted your life? That's self-image.

Being great at golf or poker or physics or almost anything will not make you a better man, husband, father, etc.

Do what makes you truly happy. That's it. If you feel like a failure 15 years from now, golf will have precious little to do with it.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Lawrence,

Cut out dairy.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear TripleH,

Beginning. Private. Have a bed handy. "I love you. Will you marry me?"

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Bison,

Can you please get someone to make Google Scholar not link to sites that require a subscription. Trying to use it for research is a giant PITA because all the promising links require money. (You do work for google right? If not my question is how can i use feng shui to make my desk feel less clutered)

gus

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Bison,

Last night I hung out with this girl. The night was going good at first, as we were hooking up consistently. I did not drink that much, probably a half fifth of some Evan Williams. However, when we went back to my place, I [censored] up.

I assume the alcohol was messing with me as I had a difficult time getting it up, thus me only getting a few strokes in but never really having the sexual act. I have been extremely plastered in my day and still had been able to perform in past experiences. I guess lack of sleep is another culprit, as the past 3 nights I have probably gotten a toal of 14 hours of sleep.

What do I tell this girl the next time I call her? Im sure she thinks Im some pussy or possibly gay.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Bison,

I recently have come to realization that the only that sucks worse than my guitar playing ability are the guitars I'm trying to sell. What is my purpose in life?

Thank you, brother. God bless.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear ChoicestHops,

Don't worry about it. Either she cares or she doesn't and if she doesn't care then you can prove your heterosexuality some other time. If she does care then there's nothing you can really do.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Gus,

scholar-support@google.com

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

What is my purpose in life?

Apparently it's not guitar-based.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Bison,

I think I'm an alcoholic. it doesn't affect my job or reltionships with friends or girls. when I go out drinking I can't stop until I'm too drunk to move. the problem is i enjoy it. it's sunday night and i'm wasted. I've always seen the caricature of an alcoholic being a bum and having no job but i have a great job and a very fulfilling life. i just like to get drunk every night. what should I do? maybe this is too personal for ask bison?

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear bison,

Currently I have been getting a good deal of money from rakeback, (27%) and I am unsure as to whether I should stick to my Party skin and make lots of rakeback or spread my money around a lot of sites and bonus whore.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Bison:

I'm 25 and have been in school virtually my whole life. I was removed from a phd program for making an ass of myself and am instead getting a masters degree in general psychology once I finish my thesis. I am disilusioned with the field in general. I have only found 2 options for employment a)take a job for which I am overqualified for and will be underpaid or b) teach as an adjunct professor. Both ideas are moderatly repulsive to me. I still owe 40 grand in student loans and I feel like all that money got me zilch.

What do I do with my wasted life?

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Mason,

It's not too personal. If someone's got a real personal question, I assume they can always make a gimmick account to post it with.

Forget about the label 'alcoholic'. I don't know your habits or your story or whatever. We can just accept that you're worried that your relationship with alcohol is unhealthy. The best and simplest thing to do (though not the easiest) is to stop drinking for a while.

Just remember, why you're drinking so often is more important than how often and how much you're drinking.* So set aside a month for not drinking and see how you feel.

*This weekend I went to Vegas, and as some people can attest, got pretty hammered two nights in a row. I tend to get caught up in the flow of things and lose track of how drunk I am, and then I drink even more. I don't get violent or argumentative or touchy, I just get real drunk and real sleepy and dumb.

I feel okay about it, cause it was a designated donk-fest, and I didn't do anything worse than spill a tray of drinks. But if I'd gotten that drunk at home, especially two nights in a row, with friends I see every week, I'd be worried about it, because the experience of being really drunk interferes with actually being fully present with people you know. And I like my friends, so if I'm feeling the need to get hammered, what the hell is going on?

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Clayton,

Do the math. Evaluate the effort. Make a choice.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Transference,

You're 25. You do not have a wasted life. Trust me on this.

Take a sabbatical from school. Get a 9 to 5 that you are over/under qualified/paid for and figure out what you want to do.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Bison,

My problem is that I don't feel I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. It doesn't affect my life in a negative way. Maybe I just have my head buried in the sand but I enjoy my relationship with alcohol. The problem is that I feel my relationship is unacceptable to society, sort of like a hot girl dating a M2F transsexual. They're happy but society isn't happy with them. Maybe I just need to not worry what people think because I am happy with my life. I just know that most people would consider our relationship unhealthy while I see it as a way to kill time and boredom. I guess this isn't a question, so, who's going to win the NBA finals?

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Bison

How do you make a really good steak like the kind they sell at restaurants? Mine never taste all that good. I cook them on my oven's broiler. Should I flavor them with something? I like rib eye and new york strip but am usually disappointed with the way they turn out. Just not that much flavor. I think I'm a failure or something...

And another thing...
Do you think that being stoned can make a person better in bed? I think it does but I can't really trust my own judgement when I'm in that state as I'm sort of high and I'm too embarrassed to ask my partner if I'm better that way or not but it sort of seems like I must be better judging from my partners reaction. Maybe I'm kidding myself. Have you ever read anything on this before?

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

To make a good steak:

Don't cook it on one side the flips it and cook it on the other side. Flip it as often as possible. If you only flip it once then the juice rise to the top then you flip it and they all fall off. If you flip it often then the juices can't escape and you will have a very juicy steak.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Bishop,

"Hey, is there any difference between when I'm high and when I'm not?"

Honest to god, asking people things is not hard.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

[ QUOTE ]
How do you make a really good steak like the kind they sell at restaurants? Mine never taste all that good. I cook them on my oven's broiler. Should I flavor them with something? I like rib eye and new york strip but am usually disappointed with the way they turn out. Just not that much flavor. I think I'm a failure or something...

[/ QUOTE ]

First and foremost, buy good quality meat.

When cooking, make sure you cook it at high enough temperature to sear the edges of the meat. This will hold the juices inside of the meat. Also, don't overcook. Take the steaks out a little before they are cooked to your liking, as they will continute to cook themselves for several minutes.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Don't use any utensils that will "poke" the meat while turning it over. Use tongs.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear Bison,

I've never cooked a meal before in my life, but i decided to cook a meal for my girlfriend this weekend. I'd like something challenging, chineesey and impressive. Suggestions please sir?

Thanks.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

thank you for the steak advice and I certainly hope this is the answer to my problem. Maybe I have been over-cooking them a little. Also, I never knew about the multiple flip thing that Mason mentioned or the tongs so I'm definitely going to try that.

Bison, I guess I could attempt to engage in a discussion with the person in my bed but I'll have you know that for some of us that is a very awkward and embarrassing moment and you make it sound like it is so easy. One reason I am getting high in the first place is because I'm not very skilled socially if you know what I mean. However, since you think it is so obvious I will give this conversing thing a try.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

Dear 18G,

Most chinesey food is not challenging. Make a stir-fry. Buy some bell peppers that are bright and nice colors - orange, red. they'll show well show nice against white rice.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

[ QUOTE ]
because the experience of being really drunk interferes with actually being fully present with people you know. And I like my friends, so if I'm feeling the need to get hammered, what the hell is going on?

[/ QUOTE ]

Bison this post is great and I wish more people would think this way.

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

dear bison
it seems like every session I play, there's at least 2~3 times I do something, then go "why did I do that"
because I know better.

Why do I do that?

Re: Dear bison... June 2005.
 

My girlfriend is presently far away in a different country. I find myself staying home at night, because I know if I go out to one of my usual bars I will end up cheating on her.

Am I a good person for staying home or a bad person for knowing I would cheat on someone I love?

Thankyou
JLS