Shutting up the Table Coach
 

Help me out here, guys. I need some new smartass responses to Table Coaches who rail on me for various reasons. There's no point in explaining to a Table Coach that I raised on a draw versus his overpair to get a free card, or that I called his KK preflop raise with QJ suited because I knew the rest of the table would also call. These "experts" don't seem to understand such moves.

The lines that I have already run into the ground:

"I'm sorry, but I didn't hear what you said. I was too busy stacking what used to be your chips." (got that from 2+2, thanks!!)

"I usually don't play this game, but this card room doesn't spread Old Maid or Go Fish."

"I'm glad that you are at this table, since I am learning so much from you."

"I'm sorry, but this is my first time ever playing poker. I don't know what I'm doing at all."

Alright, I have used these lines to death. I need more!! Help??

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

"Could I buy a copy of your book please?"

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

I've never played 'live' poker in a cardroom, so perhaps there are factors I'm not aware of here--but I don't see why you feel that you're obligated to respond in any way at all.

You get the same sort of thing in bridge--mostly online--and it always comes from bad players!
I don't respond at all, for these reasons:
1. It's useless.
2. This is your opp--you're not there to give him lessons.
3. Letting him 'get to you' may damage your concentration.
4. Silence is often perceived as strength. I've noticed while watching poker on TV that the 'big talkers' are usually the first to go!
5. Your stack answers for you, anyway [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.
/M

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

"It must be all of that cough syrup I drank."

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

"You have crossed the line of inexcusability."

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

"I hope your baby dies of cancer"

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

Why would you want to stop someone from telling you exactly how they play? Just releive them of their chips and don't worry about the rest.

ok...how about \"tilting\" the table coaches?
 

Nice responses fellas.

Actually, maybe the post title should be different. Smartass remarks such as the ones listed don't shut the table coaches up, but they DO serve to put people on tilt.
And for us, someone on tilt = easy money.

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

I got into it with an A Hole online today. He was winning and letting everyone know how great he was and how terrible everyone else is. Hitting everything that moved so he was obviously an expert to himself.

After a few berations to me, i finally said, after he rivers me on another pot, 'I see you still have that horseshoe up your azz.'

'Don't be lookin at my azz!' he responds.

I respond with, 'Well, it's kind of hard to see the horseshoe with your head in the way.'

b

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

Hi Drew,

Try these:

* "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"

* "You can't make a purse from a banana." (Let him figure out what it means.)

* "You should get that mole looked at."

* "I'm sorry. My dog peed on my shoes this morning."

* "I am a jelly donut." If he asks where the hell that came from, tell him you're quoting John F. Kennedy.

* "I misunderestimated you."

* "Nine out of ten women surveyed would choose Dr. David's solution."

* "Why are there no mosquitoes in Hawaii?" (There aren't, or so I'm told.)

* "Remember those hot summer nights when you were a kid and you used to slip a hand under the pillow to see if the bottom side was cooler, then flip the pillow over? Why not just put your head under the pillow where it's always cool?"

Cris

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

FU F <return> A <return> G <return>

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits."

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

"Dealer, please push my girlfriend over there the second place pot."

NT

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

On a related theme, I recently read 'Evolution of a Poker Player' by Steven James. There's a great bit in it where one of the good guys puts down the local know it all pro:

The pro calls him a "pussy" for not betting on the end when he had the best hand.

Good guy responds, "Well, you know, you are what you eat."

Everyone laughs.

Good guy continues, "Which must make you a dick."

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

Diablo has a good line. He'll river someone and catch his flush, FH or whatever. Victim will say some derogatory comment like "nice river".

His response. "I flopped the full house!"
Sets the dude off, "You rivered the full house moron!"
Diablo repeat. I flopped the full house!

Amazing he still gets action. [img]/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]


My personal favorite is I just tell them they can drop to their knees to earn some of the money back. [img]/images/graemlins/smirk.gif[/img]

Bunky's bad, real bad.

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

how about...

Hold on, say all that over again, and go REALLY REALLY slow, I'm writing it all down now.

Wow! You are really a Super-Genius! I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter!

Hey, thanks so much for being the self-appointed table captain. Without your guidance and wizdum, this game would have surely broken up hours ago.

When was the last time someone told you to shut the hell up?

Better to be silent and thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Hey, if I cared what you thought, I would have already sent you an email.

If you need something to help you keep your big mouth shut, you can borrow one of my gym socks.

Your advanced strategic knowledge is beyond the scope of this discussion, why don't you give a seminar at the WPT?

al

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

Microers posit:

"I like to gambool" (pronounce the o's)

"they were sooted" (runner-runner flush)

"poker is easy" (when you take a monster pot)

I like "Shh...i'm stacking your chips".

But i really prefer them to keep telling me EXACTLY how they play, so i rarely use them.

Regards,
Pete Harris

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

These are from my spouse:

"It's a privilege to take your money"

(Tossing him a chip) "Can you grab me a coke on your way back from the ATM?" [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

My wife caught a flush on the river to be a guys AA in the hole. He started bitching about how he deserved the pot and going on and on about how she should have never seen the flop. My wife looks right at him and asks...

"Did you think we were playing 2 card stud?"

everyone at the table had a good laugh....

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

"Me no speaka Inglush..." [img]/images/graemlins/smirk.gif[/img]

lovely respones guys
 

these are CLASSIC lines, thanks!

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

My personal favorite is...


*sound of me stacking chips and ignoring you*

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

[ QUOTE ]
"I am a jelly donut." If he asks where the hell that came from, tell him you're quoting John F. Kennedy.

[/ QUOTE ]
Oddly enough none of the German exchange students I talked to though thats what he said. Apparently Germans are just as bad at German grammar as English speakers are at English. I believe it might also vary by which region of the country you're in (which could explain why they didn't know this).

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

Hi Bremen,

Re: JFK's "I am a jelly donut."

[ QUOTE ]
Oddly enough none of the German exchange students I talked to though thats what he said. Apparently Germans are just as bad at German grammar as English speakers are at English. I believe it might also vary by which region of the country you're in (which could explain why they didn't know this).

[/ QUOTE ]

Actually, according to my best friend (a German) what it comes down to is that German schoolkids don't hear the original speech (in which JFK said "Ich bin ein Berliner"), and instead hear what he meant to say ("Ich bin Berliner"). The crowd to which JFK was speaking roared in approval, even those who recognized JFK's mistake, because the Germans are extremely forgiving about foreign visitors who mangle German. They appreciate that a foreign visitor even attempts to speak the language, and make a point of hearing "what they meant to say" rather than what they actually said.

A classic example of this is a Bavarian beer commercial where an Indian tourist brings his guests to a Biergarten and says, in German, "I'd like to buy a carpet." The waitress pauses for a moment, smiles, nods, and returns with beer for each of the guests. The man smiles proudly to his friends, never knowing that he spoke nonsense and the waitress simply responded to what she knew he meant.

ZDF (a very popular German TV channel) sometimes simulcasts on the web, and I've seen this commercial. It was charming and also illustrated what my friend had described as a very common attitude among Germans: they appreciate your trying to speak German, even if you speak German poorly.

That's what rescued JFK's quote, and why German schoolkids are not taught what he actually said, but what he meant to say. Older Germans, who remember the speech, do remember the mistake ... but very fondly.

Cris

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

Er, Hawaii is crawling with mosquitos, Cris. Believe me, I went to school and lived there many years.

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

I used to collect stamps when I was a kid, and JFK was on stamps all around the world. It's a rare president who gets that kind of international acknowledgement.

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

Hi Blarg,

[ QUOTE ]
Er, Hawaii is crawling with mosquitos, Cris. Believe me, I went to school and lived there many years.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thanks for the correction. I'd been told that it had none, by someone who liked to vacation there, and thought that very strange.

Cris

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

Hi Blarg,

Agreed re: JFK. He remains one of the most popular U.S. presidents in the eyes of many people around the world.

While it's common nowadays to think Europeans hate America, in fact that's not (often) true. Many Europeans think we are a bit full of ourselves (often true), and marvel at our prudish religiosity (also true), but most of the Europeans I've talked with -- and especially Germans -- are very fond of America-as-a-people. My friend and those of her generation remember that America rebuilt Germany after WW2, over the objections of our allies and some in our own government, and are still grateful for our generosity and grace-in-victory.

So there's a lot of good will out there to be tapped....

Cris

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

They probably stayed on or near the beach. Shore winds usually protect us from being eaten alive while on holiday..lol

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

My favorite, but it can and does piss some people off...

Pretend to ignore the person entirely while he is speaking. When he stops talking, hesitate a second, look his way with a questioning glance and say "I'm sorry. Did you say something?"

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

If you considered (or, worse yet, actually told) the Table Coach that you raised his overpair to get a free card, you have made a TERRIBLE mistake.
You've become a Table Coach.
The pros don't give lessons at the table. Why are you even considering giving them?
Our game is not about building our egos. It's about winning chips.
Al

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

"If you can't beat me when I play badly, how are you going to beat me if I play well?"

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

[ QUOTE ]
If you considered (or, worse yet, actually told) the Table Coach that you raised his overpair to get a free card, you have made a TERRIBLE mistake.
You've become a Table Coach.
The pros don't give lessons at the table. Why are you even considering giving them?
Our game is not about building our egos. It's about winning chips.
Al

[/ QUOTE ]

Amen to that.

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

[ QUOTE ]
Er, Hawaii is crawling with mosquitos, Cris.

[/ QUOTE ]

Why am I not surprised?

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

No reason to be surprised, really, if you've spent any time in the tropics. Everything grows at an almost demonic rate, same with the bugs. We've got everything everywhere, including on your face when you wake up in the morning sometimes. Sleep with your forearm thrown to the side or back up over your head and you'll probably find a cockroach in your armpit in the morning.

The common nasty bug Hawaii really doesn't have is ticks. They may have them somewhere, but I can't remember ever finding one in many years living of in a few different parts of Hawaii, and having plenty of pets. Fleas though, will keep your dog's hair bloody.

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

Thanks for the explanation. That's not exactly why I made my post. But never mind. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

[ QUOTE ]
Thanks for the explanation. That's not exactly why I made my post. But never mind. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

A lot of us got it.

And agree.

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

Hi felson,

I was surprised when I was told that Hawaii had no mosquitoes. It being a tropical climate, and having lived in the tropics for over half my life, I figured it would have lots of them. But I had no basis upon which to challenge the person who was telling me -- she'd been there and I hadn't -- so I pretty much had to take her word for it until better information came along.

Cris

Re: Shutting up the Table Coach
 

Lines?
"I've read your book. Tell your wife thanks for the photo."
"Thanks for the help. Does this look infected to you???"
"I appreciate the advice. I have AA in the hole now...what do I do?"
"Can you see me rolling my eyes? Then you probably cant see my finger."
"Were you talking to me? Sorry I missed it. My chat screen deletes babble."
"This is like being back in grade two. I'm way smarter than the teacher."
"Check your computer connection. I think someone's pet feret has hacked your computer."

All for now.