I have a butt problem
 

Warning: There will be no ass-eating content in this thread. If that's your thing, I'm sure a google search will turn up something. Also, this is long, a cliff notes has been provided as my first reply.

So 3-4 weeks ago I wake up one morning and I can't walk. Like it hurts bad in the outside, back part of my knee. Standing is just as painful, if not more. I put up with it for a few days then decide I need a doctor to medicate me.

So I call up Kaiser (bleh) and make an appointment for the same day. Go in and see the doctor, he pretends to know what he's doing and asks me questions while playing with my knee. He says he thinks I pulled something despite the fact that I sit on my ass 16 hours a day and lie down the other 8... real strenuous activity.

Anyways, he gives me a prescription for Indomethacin (anti-inflammatory, pain reliever, arthirits [censored]). It sort of helps, but it gives you intenstinal problems which is no fun.

Fast forward to a week ago and my leg is still hurting, except now it has spread to my calf and thigh muscles. And my medication is running out. I go back to the doctor telling him he's a retard and he sends me off for some emergency bloodwork to be done. He won't tell me what the test is for, but I later find out he did a D-Dimer test for Deep Vein Thrombosis, which is essentially a deadly blood clot in your leg.

If this was so deadly and required an emergency blood test, why didn't his ass do it when I came in 2 weeks ago? I hate Kaiser.

This shows up negative and the general practicioner is done screwing around so he sends me a referral to physical therapy to let someone else screw with me for a while.

I go to Vegas for the weekend to find a house and play some p*ker, renting a wheel chair from the Bellagio to get around so I don't get the urge to chop my leg off. This is not fun and completely screws up any chance of getting laid. Girls don't dig guys in wheelchairs.... who knew?

So anyways, I come back and have a physical therapy appointment this morning to which I am of course 15 minutes late, prompting the receptionist to give me a stern talking to.

The therapist asks me to describe the problem, then she does some painful [censored] to my leg that I'm sure she is finding humorous. Her diagnosis is that I have a disc in my spine that is putting pressure on my sciatic nerve. Fantastic, this sounds easy enough to fix... =\

Then she flips me on my stomach and does some more pressure pushing stuff to confirm her belief. Well, pushing on my spine doesn't do anything, but her sticking her knuckles deep into my ass sure is causing a lot of pain.

Oops... I meant you have Piriformis Syndrome, which she loving referred to as "a butt problem". Thanks lady.

Apparently I got this by sitting on my ass all day long. The butt muscle apparently doesn't like this and it is somehow pinching my sciatic nerve when it goes through my butt.

So, I sat there while she tried to message my butt for 20 minutes to no avail. Then the real treat came when she whipped out the ultrasound machine and put hot oil on my ass, which she then rubbed in and put an ultrasound thing on in a circling motion for another 10 minutes. Needless to say, it was a very awkward moment.

So now I've got to go to this physical therapist lady once a week so she can oil my ass and attempt to exert as much pressure on my butt muscle as is humanly possible. All this, and it only took them 3 guesses to figure out what was wrong... I [img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] Kaiser.

Oh the kicker... apparently piriformis syndrome is a "very difficult problem to eliminate". Well, that sounds just perfect.

Bottom Line: If you sit on your ass a lot, make sure to get up and stretch often. You really, really don't want to be like me right now.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

Amputate.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

Cliff Notes

- Metetron woke up one morning and his leg hurt, couldn't walk. He went to the doctor who was an ass-clown and didn't know what was wrong; he did what doctors do best and drugged him up.

- Wheelchairs in Vegas don't get you pussy.

- Physical therapist screwed up diagnosis, too. Eventually, it is decided he has Piriformis Syndrome aka a "butt problem".

- She massages his ass and rubs oil on it while doing an ultrasound. Metetron must return weekly for this treatment and hope that it works.

- Pirirformis syndrome is "very difficult to eliminate" and Metetron is screwed. Don't sit for long periods of time, it's bad for you.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

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Amputate.

[/ QUOTE ]

Amputate my butt?

Re: I have a butt problem
 

[ QUOTE ]
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Amputate.

[/ QUOTE ]

Amputate my butt?

[/ QUOTE ]

It's the only cure.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

[ QUOTE ]
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Amputate.

[/ QUOTE ]

Amputate my butt?

[/ QUOTE ]

It's the only cure.

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Well... if I must.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

So, you've got a woman that'll massage your ass on a regular basis. What's the problem again?

On a more serious note...I ruptured a disc in my lower back a while ago and I get all sorts of problems/pains in my legs periodically. No running, no jumping allowed. Moderate walking. Limited weights that compress the spine (like squats). It's just life now....periodic chiropractor and/or massage therapy helps.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

At least the oil was hot.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

Ya know this thread will be filled with ass jokes any second now. BUT (cough cough cough) until then, I must say you should never complain about a woman oiling your ass with some ultrasound. Sounds good to me!

PS: Also see a Chiropractor.And WTF is Kaiser?

TT [img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img]

Re: I have a butt problem
 

It's not just Kaiser, it's MDs in general that suck.

It took multiple visits to multiple doctors to get my arthritis diagnosed. They didn't figure it out until xrays showed joint damage a year later.

Is the PT lady hot? I'm sure you could find scantily-clad hookers in Vegas to put hot oil on your ass.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

[ QUOTE ]
Ya know this thread will be filled with ass jokes any second now. BUT (cough cough cough) until then, I must say you should never complain about a woman oiling your ass with some ultrasound. Sounds good to me!

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Agreed. And my payment is only $20 per visit, so it's cheaper than a massage with no tipping required!

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PS: Also see a Chiropractor.And WTF is Kaiser?

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Can I chiropractor even do anything here? Kaiser is a BS all-in-one medical plan thingy I've had since I was born. I will have an actual PPO once I move to Henderson in 2 weeks.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

[ QUOTE ]
Don't sit for long periods of time, it's bad for you.

[/ QUOTE ]

How long are we talking here? Like literally "All day" without getting up? or is it just like 5-6 hours on a daily basis

Re: I have a butt problem
 

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Can I chiropractor even do anything here? Kaiser is a BS all-in-one medical plan thingy I've had since I was born. I will have an actual PPO once I move to Henderson in 2 weeks.

[/ QUOTE ]

Definitely. I'm a big believer in chiro, but finding one you're comfortable with could be harder. Ask around, get personal referrals.

If you've got a disc out of alignment, 3-4 visits to the chiropractor can easily put it back into place. Takes a few visits to get your back to fully let up and stop pulling it back out of place.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Don't sit for long periods of time, it's bad for you.

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How long are we talking here? Like literally "All day" without getting up? or is it just like 5-6 hours on a daily basis

[/ QUOTE ]

Not literally all day, obviously I get up to do stuff... but for several hours at a time is enough to cause both my problem as well as the more serious deep vein thrombosis they thought I had.

My recommendation was to get up once an hour and walk around.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

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Can I chiropractor even do anything here? Kaiser is a BS all-in-one medical plan thingy I've had since I was born. I will have an actual PPO once I move to Henderson in 2 weeks.

[/ QUOTE ]

Definitely. I'm a big believer in chiro, but finding one you're comfortable with could be harder. Ask around, get personal referrals.

If you've got a disc out of alignment, 3-4 visits to the chiropractor can easily put it back into place. Takes a few visits to get your back to fully let up and stop pulling it back out of place.

[/ QUOTE ]

The problem isn't my disc though, it's my ass muscle.

Is he going to re-align my ass? Sounds like something I should be paying a hooker to do.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

You need to be sitting on one of these. Seriously.

http://www.recreonics.com/images/exercise_ball.jpg

They've even got chairs with the ball built in.

http://www.fitnessscape.com/Merchant...ball-chair.jpg

Re: I have a butt problem
 

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You need to be sitting on one of these. Seriously.

http://www.recreonics.com/images/exercise_ball.jpg

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A blonde?

Re: I have a butt problem
 

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You need to be sitting on one of these. Seriously.

http://www.recreonics.com/images/exercise_ball.jpg

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A blonde?

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nice.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

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Can I chiropractor even do anything here? Kaiser is a BS all-in-one medical plan thingy I've had since I was born. I will have an actual PPO once I move to Henderson in 2 weeks.

[/ QUOTE ]

Definitely. I'm a big believer in chiro, but finding one you're comfortable with could be harder. Ask around, get personal referrals.

If you've got a disc out of alignment, 3-4 visits to the chiropractor can easily put it back into place. Takes a few visits to get your back to fully let up and stop pulling it back out of place.

[/ QUOTE ]

The problem isn't my disc though, it's my ass muscle.

Is he going to re-align my ass? Sounds like something I should be paying a hooker to do.

[/ QUOTE ]

Maybe. I'd see what the chiropractor says. Usually a muscle is in spasm or locked and pulls a disc out of alignment. A nerve doesn't get pinched due to the muscle, but due to the bones the muscle is pulling on. Muscles are usually in spasm because a vertebrae is out.

Yea...chicken and egg, the muscle pulls the disc, but the muscle is pulling because of the disc. What happens is you sat funny or slept funny and the long term pressure pushed something towards spasm...now it's locked up and won't let it go back. It's like a dislocated shoulder where they have to wrench it into place because the musles are all locked up mistakenly trying to prevent further damage.

Muscles don't just spasm/lock for the hell of it, they do it due to some trauma. Given your description, I don't think it was blunt force "fell on my ass" type trauma, but sounds more like nerve aggravation that chiro can help.

I am not a doctor...I've just had plenty of back/neck problems.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

[ QUOTE ]
You need to be sitting on one of these. Seriously.

http://www.recreonics.com/images/exercise_ball.jpg

[/ QUOTE ]

No, didn't you read his post? He's in a wheelchair, no way is he going to be able to sit on some blonde chick.

Edit: G*dd*m, you guys are fast. I'm about 3 replies too late.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You need to be sitting on one of these. Seriously.

http://www.recreonics.com/images/exercise_ball.jpg

[/ QUOTE ]

No, didn't you read his post? He's in a wheelchair, no way is he going to be able to sit on some blonde chick.

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I know he's in a damn wheelchair. He needs to sit on the damn ball. The blonde is just there to hold him in place until he's well enough to sit on it by himself. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Re: I have a butt problem
 

the blond is scary.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

Id still sit on her

Re: I have a butt problem
 

kharma's a bitch, man

Re: I have a butt problem
 

there seems to be a lot of hostility towards doctors and the like, which is strange seeing as they're paid to help you. but maybe this is one of those real-world things that I won't understand until I graduate. ugh, I fear that day.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

Oh, I've been thru that. It took me really painfully long to figure out the remedy: you got to tell the therapist to put the wax IN your ass, not just on it. The effect will be much stronger since the ultra machine can go so much deeper. I think you should go for it...and you never know, the therapist lady might even grant you some pussy.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

When I used to play a lot of poker I would get this pain in my ass/inner thigh area. When I got it I would go to the gym or whatever to get off my ass and I wouldn't play poker for a couple days. It would go away but sounds like what you have is more serious. I found that getting a more comfortable chair helped me to avoid this problem in the future.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

Are you supposed to sit on the blond on the ball, or is the blond supposed to sit on you while you sit on the ball? Or is the ball just symbolic of what you're supposed to do to the blond? Are there any other blonds to pick from, that one has "Stepford" eyes.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

You should use all the money you've apparently been making to pay for real health coverage.

Also, if you end up being in the Bay Area for longer than you expect, I got a shoulder problem rehabbed at Embarcadero Physical Therapy in SF, and was very impressed with them.

scrub

Re: I have a butt problem
 

I also recommend a chiropractor. I had excruciating pain from a pinched sciatica and went to my regular doc. He prescribed a muscle relaxer and whispered to me as I was leaving to try a chiropractor if the pills didn't work.

They didn't so I went to one and he fixed what was wrong in just a few visits but had immediate pain relief after the 1st visit. But get a good one. Ask around. Even in the same office there are goods and not so good ones. When my regular guy got overbooked they asked me if this other guy could work on me and I said okay but the guy was a disaster so I never let anyone touch me other than the guy I really trust.

Another time I did something to my shoulder. I couldn't bench press 50 lbs it was so sore. The regular doc said it was probably a torn rotor cuff. I went to my chiropractor and he said it wasn't torn just strained and within a few visits he had it fixed.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

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Id still sit on her

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I'd sit on her too. I'd rather she sit on me though. Hmmmm. Maybe "straddle me" is the phrase I was looking for.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

Go see a good chiropractor, it will help.

Of course, sitting on a blonde and having her rub hot oil on your ass should continue for as long as possible.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Can I chiropractor even do anything here? Kaiser is a BS all-in-one medical plan thingy I've had since I was born. I will have an actual PPO once I move to Henderson in 2 weeks.

[/ QUOTE ]

Definitely. I'm a big believer in chiro, but finding one you're comfortable with could be harder. Ask around, get personal referrals.

If you've got a disc out of alignment, 3-4 visits to the chiropractor can easily put it back into place. Takes a few visits to get your back to fully let up and stop pulling it back out of place.

[/ QUOTE ]

The problem isn't my disc though, it's my ass muscle.

Is he going to re-align my ass? Sounds like something I should be paying a hooker to do.

[/ QUOTE ]

Perhaps you should consult with PJN?

TT [img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img]

Re: I have a butt problem
 

[ QUOTE ]
You should use all the money you've apparently been making to pay for real health coverage.

Also, if you end up being in the Bay Area for longer than you expect, I got a shoulder problem rehabbed at Embarcadero Physical Therapy in SF, and was very impressed with them.

scrub

[/ QUOTE ]

I didn't know your shoulder was out of wack, we need to talk experiences. Shoulder and elbow, double trouble.

TT [img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img]

Re: I have a butt problem
 

Sorry to hear you have to go though this.

In case you wind up needing a cane for a while (hopefully not), here's a tip I picked up when I had a broken foot earlier this year: The best canes are metal adjustable ones, but they turn women off, so you are better off with a nice wooden one with a cool handle.

Tony

Re: I have a butt problem
 

[ QUOTE ]
Oh, I've been thru that. It took me really painfully long to figure out the remedy: you got to tell the therapist to put the wax IN your ass, not just on it. The effect will be much stronger since the ultra machine can go so much deeper. I think you should go for it...and you never know, the therapist lady might even grant you some pussy.

[/ QUOTE ]

Awesome first post.

Metetron, give your ass my regards.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

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My recommendation was to get up once an hour and walk around.

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Start smoking.

Re: I have a butt problem
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
My recommendation was to get up once an hour and walk around.

[/ QUOTE ]

Start smoking.

[/ QUOTE ]

excelent!

TT [img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img]

Re: I have a butt problem
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
My recommendation was to get up once an hour and walk around.

[/ QUOTE ]

Start smoking.

[/ QUOTE ]

i cant believe you people smoke outside. Weak.

peace

john nickle

Re: I have a butt problem
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Can I chiropractor even do anything here? Kaiser is a BS all-in-one medical plan thingy I've had since I was born. I will have an actual PPO once I move to Henderson in 2 weeks.

[/ QUOTE ]

Definitely. I'm a big believer in chiro, but finding one you're comfortable with could be harder. Ask around, get personal referrals.

If you've got a disc out of alignment, 3-4 visits to the chiropractor can easily put it back into place. Takes a few visits to get your back to fully let up and stop pulling it back out of place.

[/ QUOTE ]

The problem isn't my disc though, it's my ass muscle.

Is he going to re-align my ass? Sounds like something I should be paying a hooker to do.

[/ QUOTE ]

Perhaps you should consult with PJN?

TT [img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

TT, you have no idea how much im being tempted by this thread about metetron and his ass-problems. Its like christmas has come early. Much like Nick himself.

peace

john nickle