So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

So I used to have this crush on a girl who lives in my dorm. This was about 2 years ago. I took my shot at her, but she ended up choosing some other guy. Eh...I got over it. I've been out of the country for the majority of this past year, so I haven't talked to her much at all until September when school started. Ever since school started, we've hung out a lot and we've become pretty close friends. However, I no longer have the slightest romantic interest in her anymore.

She was in a pretty seriuos relationship with that guy until a few weeks ago. Apparently it ended badly and she is an emotional wreck. From what I know about their situation (I don't know all the details and it isn't my place to ask about them), the guy was being kind of an [censored], she put up with it as long as she could, they finally broke up. I never liked the guy. I always thought he ignored her too much. Now that they're broken up, I get the feeling he's doing everything in his power to make her feel guilty and jealous.

Now my friend spends a lot of time in my room. She doesn't want me to know, but I can tell she cries a lot. She still wants to get back with the guy. She tries to talk to me about it, but I obviously don't think it's a good idea for her to keep trying with him. Not because I want her for myself (I don't), but because I don't think he treats her right. I can tell that she's putting 10 times more effort into the relationship than he is.

She called me today. I could tell that she was crying. She said she can't calm down. She said she's still working at their relationship because she wants to make sure she "doesn't have any regrets". I don't exactly know what that means, but it just looks like her serious inability to let go.

So what do I do? I want to help her out because she's my friend. She's still very much in love with him. Should I convince her to let go? How do I do it?

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

[ QUOTE ]
However, I no longer have the slightest romantic interest in her anymore.



[/ QUOTE ]

liar.

lol come on man, you can't honestly say that you don't want to use the "comforting guy" card to somehow weasle your way into her pants.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

My new philosophy on life, more or less, is to let people, even my friends, make their own choices without me judging or pushing them to what I think is right. If she asks you for advice, specifically, then by all means let her know how you feel about the guy.

Strangely, I've discovered that listening and truly trying to understand people without judging or pushing my own beliefs at them gets them to want to understand my perspective more.

Thats my two cents, but do what you gotta do.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

Honestly. I really don't. To be honest, I hate it when she cries. I hate it because I have no [censored] clue what to do and it ruins the mood for me. I would have no problem encouraging her to go out with other guys, but I know it's too soon to suggest that. It would do more harm than good.

If I did have an interest in her again, the obvious solution would involve being the comforting sensitive shoulder to cry on, but I don't. I'm not a shoulder to cry on. I'm just this person that she goes to to cry to. I have no advice that would be able to help her. I've told her to let go, but she won't listen to me.

I know it sounds cruel, but she's damn annoying when she's like this. She's a good friend normally, but I can't take being around her when she's like this.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

Ok, so I think I've sort of figured out why this is bothering me so much. I've told her that she should just forget about him and that she was working too hard on the relationship when he was doing nothing. I told he that she need to let go. But she won't listen to me.

So basically she's coming to me, crying, asking for advice. I give her advice. She doesn't listen to me because it's not what she want's to hear. Then comes back crying. She is my friend, but I'm getting seriously annoyed.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

[ QUOTE ]
Ok, so I think I've sort of figured out why this is bothering me so much. I've told her that she should just forget about him and that she was working too hard on the relationship when he was doing nothing. I told he that she need to let go. But she won't listen to me.

So basically she's coming to me, crying, asking for advice. I give her advice. She doesn't listen to me because it's not what she want's to hear. Then comes back crying. She is my friend, but I'm getting seriously annoyed.

[/ QUOTE ]

So tell her, if she doesn't want your advice after asking for it, then she should leave you alone. And that you have no romantic interest in her. Although that may get her in bed with you, but that is another issue. She sounds like damaged goods.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

She seems to be asking for advice with words, but in reality she is seeking validation through you perhaps, and doesn't care about your advice. She is in an emotionally weak state and is attempting to, not meaning to sound to harsh, use you to replace that weak state.

I think you should somehow let her know that a friendship is supposed to mutually benefit both people involved, and at the moment this is not happening, and it is unacceptable.

Now, how to say that without driving her completely insane is difficult, but if she isn't able to accept that , shes probably not someone you want in your life anyway.

Lemme know what you think of my advice here...

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

You say that you've gotten over the fact that you're interested in her and all...

So why are you friends with her? While there are some exceptions, I find that "female friends" for males are really just guys waiting in the brush. No matter what you say, I bet you are attracted to this girl. If you were at one time, you probably still are. Otherwise, why waste your time trying to be Dr. Phil?

For me, I don't find that I have enough common interests with women to be just friends. Guys can be my friends; women I can date. There's just no point. Male and female brains are just so different...

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

[ QUOTE ]
So why are you friends with her? While there are some exceptions, I find that "female friends" for males are really just guys waiting in the brush.

[/ QUOTE ]
So you've never had a female friend? Why is that so hard to believe? I have dozens of female friends. I can't be romantically interested in all of them.

[ QUOTE ]
No matter what you say, I bet you are attracted to this girl. If you were at one time, you probably still are. Otherwise, why waste your time trying to be Dr. Phil?

[/ QUOTE ]
If you don't believe me, there's nothing I can do about it. All I have to say is that if she wanted to be my girlfriend right now, I would say no. But that doesn't mean I don't care about her. If there is something I can do to make her feel better, I'll do it. It's the same as helping out one of my guy friends.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

Just rent The Notebook, watch it together, and then in some hot-and-heavy part, put the moves on her

It will definitely work - chicks love that movie

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

[ QUOTE ]
From what I know about their situation (I don't know all the details and it isn't my place to ask about them), the guy was being kind of an [censored]

[/ QUOTE ]

how can it not be your "place" to ask about details, but apparently it is your "place" to provide the solutions?

it sounds to me like maybe she isn't really much of a friend. if you guys were close friends, you're reaction to her crying (for example) wouldn't be to make YOU uncomfortable. it would make you want to help HER. i think you need to tell her to go talk with someone closer to her about her relationships. and if she tells you that you're her closest friend, then she is probably in big emotional trouble. like the kind that should be addressed with a qualified therapist.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

Hahahaha, I remember going through that 2 years ago. Poor girl, I feel her pain.

I think the best thing that you could possibly do is be a friend. Friends help friends get their minds off of their problems. She needs to wait as long as she can stand to before she makes a decision. This guy obviously doesn't sound healthy for her and she needs to get a glimpse of the rest of the world before she goes snivelling back to him.

You can try and tell her what a douchebag you think he is and all the reasons why, but I can almost promise you it won't get you anywhere. She won't be listening. Like I said, if you can just be there for her, that would be best.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

I've been in this exact situation before. The answer is ... don't tell her what to do. Tell her every reason you have for whatever you may think, but let her come to the conclusion herself. If she doesn't connect the dots herself then either she knows something you don't, or she's so emotional at the moment that nothing you say will change her mind.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

Obviously hes telling the truth about not wanting to get involved with her. Why is that so hard for people to believe? Do others find obsessive dependent emotional train wrecks appealing?

Try and help her figure out that there is more to life than this relationship. But be careful that she doesn't switch her dependency to you.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

My opinion about her is that she's just using you as a sounding board while she tries to figure this out for herself. She just wants you to listen to her and empathize with her situation. She's not looking for your advice, she's looking for someone who will listen to her.

Don't offer her advice and just listen to what she has to say. Probe her for details so that she can come to her own conclusion about the situation. She's not going to say, out of the blue, "Wow, you're right. The guy's totally wrong for me and I'm an idiot for trying to make this work". She has to figure that out logically on her own.

She may not figure it out and keep beating herself up over it. Basically, you have to decide how long you're going to listen to her regrets and pain before you've had enough, as she's not listening to your solutions.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

You can't convince her to do anything. She's not coming to you for advice, she's coming to you to talk about her problems. She feels better when she had somebody to talk to about what she's going through. Men can't relate to what she's doing -- most men would never endlessly talk about relationship issues with our other male friends. Women don't want to hear our solutions or follow our advice, they just want to endlessly talk about themselves and their problems. It's cathartic for them.

You're fooling yourself if you think you can help her. She doesn't want your help -- she already knows that the relationship is no good. She'll keep using you as her substitute shrink until she decides *on her own* to give up on the guy. This will probably happen once she meets someone new -- at which point she'll drop you like a hot potato.

I've been down the same "friend" road as you before. Don't let yourself get sucked in. It can be very draining on you.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

[ QUOTE ]
So you've never had a female friend? Why is that so hard to believe? I have dozens of female friends. I can't be romantically interested in all of them.

[/ QUOTE ]

No, I've tried it out a few times. I must be unlucky, but the whole "friends thing" with females just doesn't work. And of the few female friends that I did have, there was always this sexual/flirting thing.

Personally, I'd rather hang out with my guy friends and leave the female relationships to dating. There's almost no point as men and women tend to have different interests.

Like I said, there's exceptions. And perhaps your exception still makes the rule. I was just trying to get a point across, your relationship my just be platonic. There's nothing wrong with that if it works, but heading into these things you're still usually an underdog.

Just try to keep an eye on whether or not female friends are attention whores (i.e. only guy friends). That way you'll be more conscious of their intentions. Most girls like attention; many like to take and give nothing in return.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

This girl she sounds like an idiot to me. She sounds like the classic girl who's into jerks and doesn't give a damn about a decent guy (perhaps you?). Tell her how stupid you think she is for being so interested in this ass. She'll realize this or at least quit whining to you. Either way, problem solved.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

Some good advice here. Mosquito was dead on.

This quote by Hopey: "Women don't want to hear our solutions or follow our advice, they just want to endlessly talk about themselves and their problems. It's cathartic for them."

is almost true, but replace the word cathartic with selfish.

Try to take advantage of her physically. If that doesn't work then leave her alone.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

Since she hasn't taken your advice, tell her you don't want to hear about her boyfriend problems anymore. There's nothing more annoying that a woman who chooses a bad man then complains and cries to everyone about his bad behavior.

And, regardless of your current feelings, it's at the height of selfishness and inconsideration to cry to a guy whom you REJECTED about the boyfriend you rejected him for.

Your "friend" sounds like a real [censored].

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

[ QUOTE ]
I want to help her out because she's my friend. She's still very much in love with him. Should I convince her to let go? How do I do it?

[/ QUOTE ]

Your "friend" sounds a lot like at least three of my patients. However, at least I get to schedule the times to listen to their whining, and I get to bill them for it.

I certainty wouldn't allow myself to listen to endless whining from a so-called "friend"--especially one who doesn't really want our advice anyway.

General Gambling > Psychology
 

I'm waiting for the part where gambling comes in...
You people really just ignore the fact that this is a
GAMBLING AND GAMING WEBSITE, say "Hey a psychology
forum!" and spill your impertinent uneducational drivel
to a bunch of card players. I am very surprised nobody has
posted a picture of a male bodybuilder in the "stud" forum...

Sad forums these days.

-ZEN

Should be Other Topics > Other Other Topics
 

And since you are bringing OOT to the Psych forum, I will respond in kind:

THIS THREAD IS USELESS WITHOUT PICS!

and

S I I H P !!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: General Gambling > Psychology
 

[ QUOTE ]
I'm waiting for the part where gambling comes in...
You people really just ignore the fact that this is a
GAMBLING AND GAMING WEBSITE, say "Hey a psychology
forum!" and spill your impertinent uneducational drivel
to a bunch of card players. I am very surprised nobody has
posted a picture of a male bodybuilder in the "stud" forum...

Sad forums these days.

-ZEN

[/ QUOTE ]

Musicians are such b*tchy little p*ssies.

Re: General Gambling > Psychology
 

http://www.warphead.com/modules/xoop...02/arguing.jpg

PWN3D

-ZEN

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

[ QUOTE ]
Your "friend" sounds a lot like at least three of my patients. However, at least I get to schedule the times to listen to their whining, and I get to bill them for it.

I certainty wouldn't allow myself to listen to endless whining from a so-called "friend"--especially one who doesn't really want our advice anyway.

[/ QUOTE ]

And who says that clinical psychologist don't care! Bah, I say.

About this so-called "friend": Women, can't live 'em. Can't shoot them.

Re: General Gambling > Psychology
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I'm waiting for the part where gambling comes in...
You people really just ignore the fact that this is a
GAMBLING AND GAMING WEBSITE, say "Hey a psychology
forum!" and spill your impertinent uneducational drivel
to a bunch of card players. I am very surprised nobody has
posted a picture of a male bodybuilder in the "stud" forum...

Sad forums these days.

-ZEN

[/ QUOTE ]

Musicians are such b*tchy little p*ssies.

[/ QUOTE ]

Really...that's one of the dumbest things I've ever read.

Re: General Gambling > Psychology
 

[ QUOTE ]
Musicians are such b*tchy little p*ssies.

[/ QUOTE ]


You don't even know how right you are. Amen.

Go outside for a change...
 

Jesus Christ you people are lame

Carry on your aol chat room conversations...

-ZEN

Re: Go outside for a change...
 

[ QUOTE ]
Jesus Christ you people are lame

Carry on your aol chat room conversations...

-ZEN

[/ QUOTE ]


Methinx he doth protest too much...

Re: Go outside for a change...
 

Which is lamer, a group of people who happily carry on chat room conversations or someone whose life is so devoid of interest and meaning that he spends his time berating people who are doing him no harm and clearly enjoying themselves?

You're nothing but a nasty little punk who projects his misery on others. Go get laid or something.

Re: Go outside for a change...
 

wow. you got me. good for you.

I'm going to go drink now because you hurt my feelings...

-ZEN

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

[ QUOTE ]
Ok, so I think I've sort of figured out why this is bothering me so much. I've told her that she should just forget about him and that she was working too hard on the relationship when he was doing nothing. I told he that she need to let go. But she won't listen to me.

So basically she's coming to me, crying, asking for advice. I give her advice. She doesn't listen to me because it's not what she want's to hear. Then comes back crying. She is my friend, but I'm getting seriously annoyed.

[/ QUOTE ]

and this is why men love women, try and get into her pants either that will get u some or she will leave you the hell alone.

Seriously though there is nothing you can do about it she has to realize this on her own until then you are just an ear and nothing more

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

If you show her that you actually care about what she is living, she will listen to you. Well, at least, she could try. If you don't wanna care, just tell her, sometimes the good old truth is the best solution.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I want to help her out because she's my friend. She's still very much in love with him. Should I convince her to let go? How do I do it?

[/ QUOTE ]

Your "friend" sounds a lot like at least three of my patients. However, at least I get to schedule the times to listen to their whining, and I get to bill them for it.

I certainty wouldn't allow myself to listen to endless whining from a so-called "friend"--especially one who doesn't really want our advice anyway.

[/ QUOTE ]

The Chesspain is wise.

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

[ QUOTE ]
Chesspain wrote:
Your "friend" sounds a lot like at least three of my patients. However, at least I get to schedule the times to listen to their whining, and I get to bill them for it.

I certainty wouldn't allow myself to listen to endless whining from a so-called "friend"--especially one who doesn't really want our advice anyway.

[/ QUOTE ]

So how would go about getting in the pants of a girl who does this? [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Re: So this girl comes to me for emotional support
 

[ QUOTE ]
So how would go about getting in the pants of a girl who does this?

[/ QUOTE ]


Bacardi 151.