Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

There is this individual who lives on my floor. His name is Mike. He is probably 5'7'', 300-320 lbs. This kid carries one hell of a foul odour. I mean, we can literally smell when his door is open from down the hall.

Earlier in the year, someone left a massive turd in our toilets. I mean, this thing was far and away the largest turd I have ever seen. Something that we noted was that no toilet paper was in the toilet. Originally, we assumed that someone thought "this thing is so huge I have to show it to the world", and probably wiped and flushed in another stall. It was never confirmed explicitly, but Mike is probably the only person on our floor who could squeeze that thing out without a subsequent hospital trip.

However, a friend of mine was hugging some bowl after a long night of drinking, and noticed that this Mike character walked in, dropped, and left immediately - without wiping.

The same observation was made again recently.

Is it possible that someone could be so obese that he not be able to wipe? If so, do they make ass wipers for these people? I mean, this kid is fat, but its not like circus fat.

He isnt a bad guy, and I'd like to help him out, but, how the hell do you suggest he use / give a guy an ass wiping device?

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Don't you think he would have looked into this already, if he wanted to?

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Wife goes up to her husband of 20 years....and she says "I want breast implants"

He goes "You don't need implants...here's what you do - every morning, take a wad of toilet paper and rub it between your two breasts..

She goes "I don't get it - how is that gonna make my breasts bigger"

He goes "I don't know how it works, but it sure made your ass bigger."

=================================

Moral of the story - no one's ass is so big they can't wipe.... (I hope)

RB

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

we had one of these in my dorm freshman year. kinda sad. I had no idea what to do. Does he have a roommate or close friend, who can just be frank with him?

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

If you are concerned about him then that is not a good idea. Probably just really embarrass him and make him feel horrible.

If you are concerned about the smell and grossness of it all, then keep insulting him until he drops out/hangs himself.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
I mean, this kid is fat, but its not like circus fat.

[/ QUOTE ]


orca fat?

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I mean, this kid is fat, but its not like circus fat.

[/ QUOTE ]


orca fat?

[/ QUOTE ]

lol

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Step 1: Buy one of these signs. Also, get some masking tape and a Sharpie marker.

Step 2:
http://img391.imageshack.us/img391/1061/sign5th.jpg

Step 3: Post in bathroom.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]

Is it possible that someone could be so obese that he not be able to wipe?

[/ QUOTE ]

Of course it's possible, but this guy doesn't sound that big.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

It's almost Christmas, surely you can give the gift that keeps on giving for each and every flush. Give the Solution ComfortSeat(R)

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
Step 1: Buy one of these signs. Also, get some masking tape and a Sharpie marker.

Step 2:
http://img391.imageshack.us/img391/1061/sign5th.jpg

Step 3: Post in bathroom.

[/ QUOTE ]

Brilliant.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Show him this thread.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Perhaps he just doesn't like to wipe his ass?

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Maybe he just doesn't want to wash his hands?

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Years at work taking dumps in the stalls have made it clear to me that very little and very hasty wiping is common among men, of every social class too. Not washing one's hands is likewise very common among men.

Men in general are pretty much sissies when it comes to cleaning things, including their own asses and hands. Generally, women seem to be much better at cleaning everything, although they wash their hands even less than men. But when they wash dishes, scrub floors, etc., they put their elbow into it in a way that makes men look like lily-livered super sissies. Men just seem to be often flat out afraid to touch dirt, including their own.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

can you blame him ? i still make my mom wipe mine.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Jeez. Imagine how itchy your ass would get.... I think I'm gonna vom...

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

We had a guy at work like this. He reaked of [censored] all the time. I was convinced that it was because he had huge biceps, a large gut, and fairly short arms. It seemed like it would be near impossible for him to reach his ass with the way his body was constructed.

He smelled like when you're driving out in the country and you go buy a farm that is spreading pig manure.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

What's his e-mail? I'll email him this thread.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
We had a guy at work like this. He reaked of [censored] all the time. I was convinced that it was because he had huge biceps, a large gut, and fairly short arms. It seemed like it would be near impossible for him to reach his ass with the way his body was constructed.

He smelled like when you're driving out in the country and you go buy a farm that is spreading pig manure.

[/ QUOTE ]
How often do you buy pig manure spreading farms?

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
Show him this thread.

[/ QUOTE ]

Or even show him the thread from a few months ago about being a back-side ass wiper or a front-side nut sack lifting wiper and ask him which one he is?

Big Steve [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Show him this thread.

[/ QUOTE ]

Or even show him the thread from a few months ago about being a back-side ass wiper or a front-side nut sack lifting wiper and ask him which one he is?

Big Steve [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]
I've discovered what's missing in my life.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Show him this thread.

[/ QUOTE ]

Or even show him the thread from a few months ago about being a back-side ass wiper or a front-side nut sack lifting wiper and ask him which one he is?

Big Steve [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

People wipe from the front? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Show him this thread.

[/ QUOTE ]

Or even show him the thread from a few months ago about being a back-side ass wiper or a front-side nut sack lifting wiper and ask him which one he is?

Big Steve [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

People wipe from the front? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

Apparently...There was a poll included in the old post.

Big Steve [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

I use varied techniques from the front and the back. It's all very complicated, edfurlong, you wouldn't understand.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Boss: Do you dump wherever you're standing, or do you use toilets? Or, do you use some magical Centaur toilet?

Centaur: We use regular bathrooms.

Boss: Do you use special Centaur toilet paper?

Centaur: Nope. We use nortmal toilet paper.

Boss: How do you reach back there.. to wipe yourself?

Centaur: Uh.. there is a device we use, it's called an Aubesian - it's a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth.

Boss: So.. there's a company that manufactures Centaur asswipers?

Centaur: Aubesians, yes. Um.. there's a store that's a sort of crate-and-barrel for Centaurs, called Aubesians & Such.. there's one on 57th Street.

Boss: I've seen that establishment.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Well so far my searching has found a thread where people talking about standing to wipe! What the [censored] is wrong with you people? How can you wipe your ass wrong?

[img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
Well so far my searching has found a thread where people talking about standing to wipe! What the [censored] is wrong with you people? How can you wipe your ass wrong?

[img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

Found it...Keywords "Sack lifting"

Wipe...Sit, Stand, Lean, Front, Back, Side, or Just Duckwalk to the shower and hose that crap out.

Big Steve [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Describe to him the 3-sheet method

1 for up
1 for down
1 for polishing

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Show him this thread.

[/ QUOTE ]

Or even show him the thread from a few months ago about being a back-side ass wiper or a front-side nut sack lifting wiper and ask him which one he is?

Big Steve [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

People wipe from the front? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

as far as i know, all women wipe front to back. and apparantly some men.

Barron

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Show him this thread.

[/ QUOTE ]

Or even show him the thread from a few months ago about being a back-side ass wiper or a front-side nut sack lifting wiper and ask him which one he is?

Big Steve [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

People wipe from the front? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

as far as i know, all women wipe front to back. and apparantly some men.

Barron

[/ QUOTE ]

I was unclear but I meant front as in "lift your balls stick your hand between your legs".

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Trust me, it's not his size that's keeping him from wiping. He just doesn't know/care about hygiene.

Every army unit has a guy like this. The problem is usually solved when his buddies drag him into the shower, and give him the wire brush treatment. After one of those, the subject will usually start to pay attention to his hygiene.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
Years at work taking dumps in the stalls have made it clear to me that very little and very hasty wiping is common among men, of every social class too. Not washing one's hands is likewise very common among men.

Men in general are pretty much sissies when it comes to cleaning things, including their own asses and hands.

[/ QUOTE ]

It is almost unbelievable to me that people like this even exist. I mean how can they stand it. Doesn't their skin itch and crawl terribly? How can anyone have such insensitive skin, not to mention unsanitary personal hygiene.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Amazes me too. I can't even count the times I've heard guys reel off huge lengths of toilet paper, crumple it into a ball, and rub the thing around for a few seconds before practically sprinting out of the stall. No way they got their asses clean like that. The "big protective toilet paper ball" theory of ass wiping is ridiculous.

And the number of guys who run out of the stall and then out the door without washing is insane. A guy where I used to work told me about someone they named The Phantom Sh]tter who would dash out of the stall while people were at the urinal and sprint out the door before anyone could see who it was who was not washing his hands. The Phantom Sh]tter strikes again!

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

The mental image of this scene is hilarious

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

There are billions of animals out there that never wipe their asses. If it itches they may rub it against the ground.

Face it, you just live with an animal, and he smells like a barn.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Show him this thread.

[/ QUOTE ]

Or even show him the thread from a few months ago about being a back-side ass wiper or a front-side nut sack lifting wiper and ask him which one he is?

Big Steve [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

People wipe from the back? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

Anyone who can sit on a toilet can wipe themselves. Just slip an anonymous note into his room.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

[ QUOTE ]
Boss: Do you dump wherever you're standing, or do you use toilets? Or, do you use some magical Centaur toilet?

Centaur: We use regular bathrooms.

Boss: Do you use special Centaur toilet paper?

Centaur: Nope. We use nortmal toilet paper.

Boss: How do you reach back there.. to wipe yourself?

Centaur: Uh.. there is a device we use, it's called an Aubesian - it's a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth.

Boss: So.. there's a company that manufactures Centaur asswipers?

Centaur: Aubesians, yes. Um.. there's a store that's a sort of crate-and-barrel for Centaurs, called Aubesians & Such.. there's one on 57th Street.

Boss: I've seen that establishment.

[/ QUOTE ]

What is the centaur thing from, because I find it pleasing.

Re: Do we buy him an ass wiper? (seriously)
 

PM me his e-mail and I'll anonymously send him a link to this thread.