This is tough to write
 

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I lost my 3 year old son. He was injured a week ago Monday and died in my arms two days later, there is no personal hell worse than the impotence I felt watching him fight and fail in the hospital. All my knowledge, all my faith, all my will could not help, now I’m here with my memories. Austin along with his sisters focused my life, it is an odd phenomenon that men start life so selfish and end it so humbled by their devotion to others. My children transformed me into a better person than I could have ever reached on my own. They are my most precious things, and I would do anything to protect every last hair that lies on their heads. So as you can imagine my grief has been massive. My first thoughts were to quit and run home, yes my wife had the same first idea too, I find it funny as an adult I want to go run home to momma but there it is. This however is the quitter’s option and I have too much to do to just quit on life.

Our family is going through counseling for our loss, however there are things that are now approaching me in my poker life that I’m uncertain of. I have derived a significant portion of my income over the last 2.5 years from poker and my only income from poker over the last 18 months. I have become very use to the routines, the swings, and the grind of daily play. I won’t say it’s always enjoyable but it has been better than many other jobs I have held in the past. Now for the first time since I began playing many years ago I’m scared to sit at a table, and there are no counselors who know. I have always had a natural emotional detachment that I just can’t muster right now and I don’t know how to get it back. When I sit and assume that “state” the guilt of not being in torment is worse than the torment itself.

I fear my poker playing days may have come to an end. So far I have canceled my trip to the WSOP, it just doesn’t hold any draw for me right now, I’ll try dropping stakes way down and just playing and I’ll continue on with the local counselors. I have no idea when I will see many of you next, I am very thankful for the help that two plus two has imparted to me, but unfortunately I haven’t found the book that can cure this ill.

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time, family, and friends are the only cure.

my deepest condolences to you and yours.

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Good luck and stay strong.

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I am very sorry to hear that.

Time will eventually blunt the sharp edges of the pain but some wounds never really heal.

You may be better off not playing for a few months, or playing a lower limit. It sounds like you are able to look at yourself objectively in this scenario, which is good.

Best wishes, really, even though perhaps we never met.

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I have a clue how you feel, I lost my 8 years younger little sister because of [censored] drunk driver when she was 9.

At age of 17 I prolly didin't realize fully everything, but even then it hurted like hell. And it hurted more to see how my parrent suffered, you said you have other kid also so try not to worrie her too much.
At least what impact it made to me, is that I have never been drunk and never will.

Also it's good you have allready got some help, but offcourse nothing replaces your loss never.

All the best in future.

Lalit.

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Man, I am so sorry to hear that. Just as there aren't any words to describe what you're feeling, the same goes for us--there just aren't any words to describe how horrible we feel for you.

As for how to set aside your grief and focus on work: I'm sorry, but the only people who can answer that are people who have also lost children. Maybe the counselors can hook you up with a support group.

Life goes on. I know that seems impossible to fathom at this moment. But you've got a family to support. You need to get back on the horse FOR THEM. Austin wouldn't want his siblings to starve.

(If you've got the dough to take a few weeks off, then go ahead. But almost none of us can afford that, so I assume that you can't, either.)

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[ QUOTE ]
My first thoughts were to quit and run home, yes my wife had the same first idea too, I find it funny as an adult I want to go run home to momma but there it is. This however is the quitter’s option and I have too much to do to just quit on life.

[/ QUOTE ]

slavic, I hope it helped you in some small way to write this message. But when I read sentences like the one above, I can't help but feel that you still have a very long way to go before you can even start to deal with this tragedy. Going home where you can have some support and unconditional love is not a move of a quitter. If that's what you need to do right now, go home for a while. You can definitely do that without quitting on life.


[ QUOTE ]
Now for the first time since I began playing many years ago I’m scared to sit at a table, and there are no counselors who know. I have always had a natural emotional detachment that I just can’t muster right now and I don’t know how to get it back.

[/ QUOTE ]

Again, slavic, those sound like words coming from someone whose world has been thrown upside down. This doesn't surprise me at all. I can't imagine how I could function in your position, much less focus and function at the table.


[ QUOTE ]
unfortunately I haven’t found the book that can cure this ill.

[/ QUOTE ]

If only it were that easy. There are few losses as great as this and the pain is obviously of a similar magnitude.

I'm glad to hear you are getting counseling. Don't hesitate to lean on your family even more than you are doing now. While there's nothing to make things better, I hope that in time you are able to focus more on your memories than the loss. These of course are probably pretty hollow words right now, but it sounds like you have some other great children as well, so hopefully you can all get through this together.

Peace.

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My deepest condolences.
I can't begin to imagine your grief.
I wish you the best luck, and hope you find the strength to pull through.

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My thoughts are with you and I wish the best for your family.

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Slavic, my heart goes out to you. I do not think that there is any pain greater than the loss of a child. Do whatever you think will best help you and your family cope with this situation, and do not judge yourself or let anyone else judge you. If what is best is to go home, then do just that. It is not quitting on life; it is a way of enabling yourself and your family to live on.

My deepest sympathies......

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Im sorry.

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In my line of work I see this type of thing way too often. There is very little that can be said to ease pain of this magnitude. I think El Diablo is right though. This is a time when you must call on all available resources. Call for help from friends, family and most importantly a qualified professional. I have 2 kids this age and feel like crying just imagining anything happening to them. My condolences to you and your family.

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I'm saddened to hear this, best wishes.

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My heart truly goes out to you today, in a way that I cannot fully express here. Go to counseling, lean on friends and family. Take some time off. Grieve.

-Milo

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i am so sorry for you. I can not even begin to imagine how hard this would be. my thoughts go out to you and your family.

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sorry to hear this slavic.

first your surgery and now this. jeez. my condonlences.

stay strong.

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Words on a message board are a small condolence, but let me offer my deepest sympathies. I have 3 children of my own and just the thought of that happening is enough to greatly upset me. I dont know if you are a religious person, but I will pray for you and your family. I wish there were more I could do.

d
 

Post deleted by Mat Sklansky

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Take some time off and do what? Mope? That sounds healthy!

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Moderator(s) notified In a moment you will be automatically returned to the forum.

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Good luck, man. I wish you the absolute best for the future.

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That's just horrible. I'm so sorry. Stay strong.

Re: be a man, you sissy
 

[censored] you.

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Slavic, I am very sorry for your loss.

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[censored] off, you [censored] [censored] excuse for a [censored] [censored] pathetic [censored].

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Slavic:

Always remember that the routine things in life that you used to do cannot be ignored... do not let yourself stop living when your beloved child passes away. Grieving is very important, but so is progress. I am happy to see you are seeing a counselor, its an important first step into healing yourself and your family.

I've never met you or your son, but his picture will stay with me always. Thank you for sharing his image in this very tough time of your life.

As for poker... if it was a part of your every day routine, then find a way to bring it back into your life at your own pace. Children adapt very well to routines, your son would not have wanted you to change.

My heart goes out to you and your family...

TT [img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img]

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Oh [censored]. I feel your pain.

Only time can heal that kind of massive scar. You'll be wasting your money and focus playing poker right now, regardless of the limit... and I doubt you'll feel good about it, or feel as if it's a break from the pain. I'm amazed you could even sit at a table- I'm sure I couldn't

If you can, take at least the rest of the year off (make it January also- the holiday is going to be its own special hell, sorry to say) and then see if you miss it. DON'T link poker and your son's death- they aren't connected in any way.

EDIT- Maybe a regular job short-term, to cover the family expenses? I just reread the part about it being your sole income. You can't play scared or lower limits, you'll just throw more money down the hole. That will just compound your problems.

Horrible beat. My best to you and your family, hopefully you can fight through this. This sounds tacky to type, but I'm sure Austin would have been upset that you all were unhappy.

Good luck.

Re: be a man, you sissy
 

What do you know about being a man?

You're an idiot. Go away.

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what a handsome little boy.

not sure what to say, slavic, besides i hope & pray you & your family heal.

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I am very sorry to hear this. No one wants to outlive their children. It is a very sad day when it happens.

Re: be a man, you sissy
 

[ QUOTE ]
Be a man.

[/ QUOTE ]

Says the guy who had to hide behind a new account to deliver this depraved message.

Re: This is tough to write
 

Slavic,

My condolences go out to you and yours. Just remember that everything happens for a reason, and that your son will live on through you and your family, whose lives were clearly touched deeply during his time with you.

Please be sure to alert us if a memorial is started in your son's name. I'm sure there are many people on 2+2 who would love to help in any way we could.

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Best of luck to you and your family. You have my condolences.

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I can't even imagine what you are going through right now but my thoughts are with you and your family. Good luck and stay up.

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[ QUOTE ]
I can't even imagine what you are going through right now but my thoughts are with you and your family. Good luck and stay up.

[/ QUOTE ]

First let me say how sorry i am for your loss. Spend time with the ones you love and keep going to counseling. As for your comments regarding poker, i think anyone with an impartial standpoint can verify that it would abnormal if you DIDN'T have trouble playing right now. Any kind of effort must be difficult let alone something with the uncertainty of poker, so drop down, play less, do whatever is neccesary because that is the least important thing in the world right now.

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Slavic,

There is nothing I can say that hasn't already been said, and nothing that would totally depict how I (along with the rest of this community) feel for you at this moment.

Be loving, be sad, be faithful...you will make it through this with the support of your family. My deepest thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

Edit add: it always impresses me how a community of poker players on an internet message board can "come together" like this and offer what is surely honest support to someone they may never have met and may never meet in "real life". Gives me a little more faith in humanity. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

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jackcosmo,

I hope you get hit by a bus. And I'm not even kidding.

At the very least, I at least hope you and your other SN (which I'm certain you have) get banned from here permanently.

Rot in hell.

Re: This is tough to write
 

My deepest sympathies for your loss. I hope you and your family have as easy a road through the grief as possible after this tragedy.

I agree with one of the other posters about taking time off from poker, which you seem to be leaning towards as well. Perhaps take another job. As you know poker plays with the emotions quite a bit and resilience is needed. The fear you experience when sitting to play is not fear of poker. Emotions demand an oppportunity to be acknowledged. I know that if I was to suffer a loss approaching that scale I would look to simplify my life and remove stressors until my emotions had settled.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

raisins

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My deepest condolences. Take care of your family and let them take care of you.