View Full Version : Beat the War Posts: Humorous Poems and Limericks

03-01-2003, 02:33 AM
The chaos of War is in the air. I have been working too hard recently and have no time for poker. I'm in a bad funk, so time for some fun posts.

Time to knock out all the war and political posts, at least for a bit. Time to smile, before we all dive off a cliff into an unknown sea.

Here are some Limericks. I will follow with a humorous poem.

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For he knew that on earth
There were only two balls - and he had'em

There's a notable family named Stein
There's Gert and there's Ep and there's Ein.
Gert's prose is all bunk,
Ep's sculpture is junk,
And nobody understands Ein.

When Titan was mixing rose madder
His model was posed on a ladder.
Her position to Titan
Suggested coition,
So he nipped up the ladder and had'er.

The breasts of a barmaid of Crail
Were tattooed with the price of brown ale,
While on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.

The Bloody Orkneys

This bloody town's a bloody cuss-
No bloody trains, no bloody bus,
And no one cares for bloody us-
In bloody Orkney.

The bloody roads are bloody bad,
The bloody folks are bloody mad,
They'd make the brightest bloody sad,
In bloody Orkeny.

All bloody clouds, and bloody rains,
No bloody kerbs, no bloody drains,
The Council's got no bloody brains,
In bloody Orkney.

Everything's so bloody dear,
A bloody bob, for bloody beer,
And is it good? - no bloody fear,
In bloody Orkney.

The bloody 'flicks' are bloody old,
The bloody seats are bloody cold,
You can't get in for bloody gold,
In bloody Orkney.

The bloody dances make you smile,
The bloody band is bloody vile,
It only cramps you bloody style,
In bloody Orkney.

No bloody sport, no bloody games,
No bloody fun, the bloody dames,
Won't even give their bloody names
In bloody Orkney.

Best bloody place is bloody bed,
With bloody ice on bloody head,
You might as well be bloody dead,
In bloody Orkney.

Captian Hamish Blair

Ah -- Bollocks!

Hope others will add more and build the post up - Humor instead of War. Laughter instead of Death. (If it were only that simple)


03-01-2003, 03:44 AM
. . .one clean one by Ogden Nash. Read quickly before the censor strikes.

There was a young fellow named perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His father said perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin.

A nudist girl wearing three raisins
A masquerade prize was her goal.
The judges said, "Lookie,
From the front she's a cookie,
From the rear she's a Parker house Roll."

There once was a young man from Ghent
Whose penis was so long it bent
It was so much trouble
That he kept it double
And instead of coming he went.

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

There once was a technician named Lil.
That took a chance on a Nuclear Pill.
They found her vagina,
in South Carolina,
and her boobs in a tree in Brazil!

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "let us flee!"
"Let us fly!" said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

03-01-2003, 03:47 AM
Poor syntax there. The five dirty limericks are by people other than Ogden Nash; only the clean one is Nash's.

Bill Murphy
03-01-2003, 08:30 PM
Ol' English navy/drinking ditty, covered by the Sex Pistols in The Great Rock & Roll Swindle. Dunno where the lyrics are, and they're kinda hard to understand on the soundtrack, but lotsa limericks in the lyrics. /forums/images/icons/cool.gif

03-01-2003, 08:55 PM
Thanks Andy and Bill. The war guys are wining the poker game so I have to make a bet.
A - very - long -string - bet.

From "Through the Looking Glass"

I'll tell thee everything I can;
There's little to relate
I saw an aged aged man,
A-sitting on a gate.
"Who are you, aged man?" I said.
"And how is it you live?"
And his answer trickled through my head
Like water through a sieve.

He said "I look for butterflies
That sleep among the wheat:
I make them into mutton pies,
And sell them in the street.
"I sell them unto men," he said,
Who sail on stromy seas;
And that's the way I get my bread -
A trifle, if you please."

But I was thinking of a plan
To dye one's whiskers green,
And always use so large a fan
That they could not be seen.
So, having no reply to give
To what the old man said,
I cried "Come, tell me how you live!"
And thumped him on the head.

more to come........ /forums/images/icons/smirk.gif


John Cole
03-01-2003, 11:43 PM
Which one is the clean one?

03-02-2003, 03:12 AM
I new ewe wood bee proud of us four presentating sum high klass litrature hear.

John Cole
03-02-2003, 11:11 AM
Okay, Zeno, here's Cole Porter's own parody of his song "You're the Top":

You're the top!
You're Miss Pinkham's Tonic.
You're the top!
You're a high colonic.

You're the burning heat of a bridal suite in use,
You're the breasts of Venus,
You're King Kong's penis,
You're self-abuse.

You're an arch,
In the Rome collection.
You're the starch,
In a groom's erection.

I'm a eunuch who
Has just been through an op,
But if, Baby, I'm the bottom,
You're the top.

03-03-2003, 01:16 AM
Thanks to John Cole. Mr. Porter was quite the songster!

Continuation of poem from "Through the Looking Glass"


His accents mild took up the tale:
He said "I go my ways,
And when I find a mountain-rill,
I set it in a blaze;
And thence they make a stuff they call
Rowland's Macassar Oil -
Yet twopence-halfpenny is all
They give me for my toil."

But I was thinking of a way
To feed oneself on batter,
And so go on from day to day
Getting a little fatter.
I shook him well from side to side,
Until his face was blue:
"come, tell me how you live," I cried
"And what it is you do!"

He said "I hut for haddocks' eyes
Among the heather bright,
And work them into waistcoat-buttons
In the silent night.
And these I do not sell for gold
Or coin of silvery shine,
But for a copper halfpenny,
And that will purchase nine.

"I sometimes dig for buttered rolls,
Or set limed twigs for crabs;
I sometimes search the grassy knolls
For wheels of hansom-cabs.
And that's the way" (he gave a wink)
"By which I get my wealth -
And very gladly will I drink
Your Honour's noble health."

more to come....Last "verse" /forums/images/icons/smirk.gif


03-04-2003, 01:14 AM
Last verse...

I heard him then, for I had just
Completed my design
To keep the Menai bridge from rust
By boiling it in wine.
I thanked him much for telling me
The way he got his wealth,
But chiefly for his wish that he
Might drink my noble health.

And now, if e'er by chance I put
My fingers into glue,
Or madly squeeze a right-hand foot
Into a left-hand shoe,
Or if I drop upon my toe
A very heavy weight,
I weep, for it reminds me so
Of that old man I use to know -
Whose look was mild, whose speech was slow,
Whose hair was whiter than the snow,
Whose face was very like a crow,
With eyes, like cinders, all aglow,
Who seemed distracted with his woe,
Who rocked his body to and fro,
And muttered mumblingly and low,
As if his mouth was full of dough,
Who snorted like a buffalo -
That summer evening long ago
A-sitting on a gate.'


And that my friends explains amuch,
Reread it and be quaintly touched,
For it gives the answers succinctly thus:

1) Why you should be a Peggy No-man fan.
2) The secret to Ray Zee's success at No-limit Holdem.
3) Why Norm Chum-sky is the Pope.
4) Why everyone needs at least one lawyer.
5) Why Mason can occasional play wrong and still be right.
6) And why I can register as a Republican and be proud.
7) And lastly, why John Cole is smarter than everybody else.

Many other answers to questions both fair and foul lie hidden in the above masterful poem. Indulge yourself.


Le Misanthrope

03-04-2003, 01:51 AM
You spending your evenings with Tommy?

03-05-2003, 02:02 AM
No. But I will take your statement as a compliment. Thanks.

End of poetry theater.