View Full Version : All about France

02-27-2003, 09:02 PM
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the
Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and
Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very
expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is
intended as a guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of
accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of
Europe, and is, for all intents and purposes, totally useless. It is an
important member of the world community, although not nearly as
important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and
some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping
opportunities. France is a very old country with many treasures such as
the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western
civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body
odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent
Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that
the people willfully persist in speaking French, although many will
speak English if shouted at repeatedly.

The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and
smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed and
have no concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people are
generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and
undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are
Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behavior.
Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men
sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when
they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in
groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier mutual
recognition. All French women have small tits, and don't shave their
armpits or their legs.

In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised
that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French
surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of
Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and
stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as
before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English
Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French
government to flee to London.

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is
now an airport. The French armies of the past have had their butts
kicked by just about every other country in the world.

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are
held more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions,
departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages,
cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the
Upper and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the ground
floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of
whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting
off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone
complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence,
the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is
not available at this time.

The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to
see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever
made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes.
Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps
an evening with a French family.)

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just
a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are
excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this
word. American travelers are therefore advised to stick to
cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels
such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic
varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's
economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at
all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are
on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are
wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber
weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft,
miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French
people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the
nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that
it is not Spain. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally,
we always take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the

George W. Bush, President, United States of America

I received the above in an e-mail from my old friend in Paris. I think Paris is in France; but, being an American, my geography is rudimentary. Hope you all enjoyed the post. /forums/images/icons/grin.gif


02-28-2003, 12:49 AM
Brilliant, an instant classic post.

02-28-2003, 07:30 AM
/forums/images/icons/grin.gif gee, i wonder what a comprable fact sheet on usa would look like..lol..gl /forums/images/icons/cool.gif

Martin Aigner
02-28-2003, 09:40 AM