Can't Make Myself Play Anymore...

[Ozzzz]

I have been playing poker online since the start of December... My goal from the beginning was to play poker for a living. I bought and read and reread several books, and I'm fairly confident I have the skill/ability to make it. I'm a 24 year old college dropout, and i live with my mother and work a crappy 3rd shift job that pays $14/hour. I am completely sick of my routine as it is, and I see no quicker way to get out of it then to play poker 20+ hours a week and at the very least greatly supplement my income, so I can move out of the house (finally)... I've only played 20K hands, and my results so far have been good but not great (slightly over 2BB/100) playing 1/2 (6 max), 2/4, 3/6 and 5/10 (6 max) at Party.

Nevertheless, I've only played one night the last 2 weeks. I simply cannot stand the possibility of losing money. It doesn't matter that I have 500 BB's, I still get pissed off when I lose $100 playing 3/6. When I drop down limits I play carelessly, and I tend to lose money and then move up in order to get it back without grinding it out. When I get ahead, I quit. If I start playing again, and start of losing, I will play the rest of the night until I can get back to even. I KNOW I have many bad habits when it comes to poker and managing my bankroll. I've managed to win $2K so far... almost the same amount I made "working" all that time.

I can say with maybe 90% confidence that I have what it takes ability-wise to make poker very profitable for me. I just don't think I have what it takes to handle the psychological swings.

The catch is, if I quit poker, I resign myself to working at a crappy, go nowhere job where my superiors have absolutely no idea what they are doing. I do not like that option.

So lately I've just been stalling... I don't want to officially quit poker nor do I want to commit myself to playing. If I quit, I figure now is a good time so at least I can say I won some money and use it to buy a new car (my car was stolen a week ago while at work, and found totaled a couple days later). Playing occasionally isn't really an option for me...

I also see a shrink (have been since I was 14) and realize I have psychological problems (I am mildly autistic according to my pyschiatrist). Poker probably isn't for me, but grinding out a routine job most certainly isn't either.

Not sure what the point of this was. I guess I'd like to be able to start playing poker again, even though at this point it doesn't seem like a good idea.