A joke

[Ulysses]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story? "When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks."

[namknils]

Nice. /images/graemlins/cool.gif

[J_V]

Hahaha. Good one U.

[Cptkernow]

A man finds a frog that gives the best blow jobs in the world.

He takes it it home and gives it to his wife.

She says "What the hell do you want me to do with this."

He says "Teach it how to cook and then f u c k off"

[BeerMoney]

I've heard that before, except with a BMW substituted for a Harley. I actually think I saw this one posted on here:

What did the woman at the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my son!

[nicky g]

A man in a pub sits down in a bar and orders a drink. The guy nexts to him tries to strike up a converstation and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a beekeeper" says man A.

"No way!" says man B. "What a coincidence. I'm a beekeeper too!"

"Oh yeah?" says man A. "How many bees do you have?"

"Oh, about 4,000. What about you?"

"A million".

"A million bees!" says man A. "Wow."

"Yeah" says man A. "How many hives do you have."

"Four" says man B. "How many do you have?"

"One" says man A.

"One?" asks man B. "Isn't that a bit cruel, keeping a million bees in just one hive?"

"Nah" says man A. "F&ck 'em."

[benfranklin]

The operator at the 911 center received a call from a hunter on a cell phone. The hunter was very upset, and said that he and his friend were out in the field and his friend had suddenly grabbed his chest and toppled over, and appeared to be dead.

The operator told him to calm down, and said "The first thing to do is make sure that your friend is dead."

After a moment of silence, the operator heard a shot over the phone. The hunter came back on and said, "OK, now what?"

[blackaces13]

At the risk of looking foolish I'll say it...I don't get it.

[Sundevils21]

[ QUOTE ]
At the risk of looking foolish I'll say it...I don't get it.

[/ QUOTE ]

I was thinking the same thing. But I didn't have the stones to say "I don't get it"

[ThaSaltCracka]

me neither, must be some sort of British Humor /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Ulysses]

OK. I just read it three times. I still don't get it.

[ThaSaltCracka]

haha, maybe the joke is that its not funny /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[tyfromm]

[ QUOTE ]
me neither, must be some sort of British Humor /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[/ QUOTE ]
maybe its some sort of woman joke, since all bees (except drones) are female

[Boris]

this must be one of those Monty Python jokes, as in its only funny to British people.

[blackaces13]

[ QUOTE ]
maybe its some sort of woman joke, since all bees (except drones) are female

[/ QUOTE ]

If getting this joke is predicated upon the the above knowledge then I hereby declare this to be the worst joke ever.

PS. Notice this joke was posted at 9am, no one responds for a full 4 1/2 hours until I say I don't get it and then the floodgates open. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[namknils]

[ QUOTE ]
At the risk of looking foolish I'll say it...I don't get it.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm totally lost on this one too. /images/graemlins/confused.gif

Can you explain nicky??

[J.A.Sucker]

OK, I'll explain.

You see, these are bees, right? This guy's a beekeeper, so he likes bees, right? Then this other guy doesn't care about the bees. This is funny, because, well, you just had to have been there.

Maybe this is a pun about "hives."

Then again, maybe "hive" is some sort of British slang that we don't understand. Then again, I may just be an idiot.

[ThaSaltCracka]

[ QUOTE ]
PS. Notice this joke was posted at 9am, no one responds for a full 4 1/2 hours until I say I don't get it and then the floodgates open

[/ QUOTE ]
I had just read it for the first time right after your post.

[Boris]

[ QUOTE ]
PS. Notice this joke was posted at 9am, no one responds for a full 4 1/2 hours until I say I don't get it and then the floodgates open.

[/ QUOTE ]

I didn't want to look stupid all by myself.

[RocketManJames]

I guess this is the joke thread, here's one a friend told me a while back.

So a guy goes in for an interview, and he's seated in a large room with others waiting their turn. Within the first 5 minutes, he hears loud screaming through the walls, "Get the F* out of here. What the hell is wrong with you?"

He then sees a man leaving the interview room a bit shaken up having been yelled at. The next person is called in to the interview room. Again, within a few minutes a slew of profanities and yelling is heard through the walls. As the latest interview victim comes rushing out, the man grabs him and asks, "What's going on in that interview?"

The guy tells him, "Whatever you do, don't mention anything about ears."

For the next half hour several more interviews are conducted and the same thing happens each time. Yelling, screaming, and just outright scary sh*t.

The man is finally called in for the interview... he tries to relax, and remembers that 'ears' are a bad topic. He steps into the interview room, and he's stunned. The bald-headed interviewer has no ears. His head is like a near-perfect egg. But, he tries very hard not to notice, and he tries to act normally.

The interviewer goes over a basic description about the job, and then he asks him: "What's the first thing you noticed about me?"

The man has been put on the spot... he panics a bit, and then regains composure quickly: "You wear contacts, I do too."

The interviewer is impressed... "Wow, you're very perceptive. How did you know that?"

The man responds, "Because, you sure as hell can't wear glasses."

-RMJ

[ThaSaltCracka]

that is funny man

[TJSWAN]

So the traveling salesman walks into a bar...

In the back is a horse just standing there with a large jar of money next to it on the counter. Salesman asks the bartender what's the deal with the horse and the cash and bartender sez it's to see if anyone can make the horse laugh. So the salesman thinks he can make the horse laugh and goes back there and puts his $5 into the jar, then whispers something in the horse's ear.

Well that does it, the horse just completely loses it, whinnying, laughing and stomping his hooves. So the salesman grabs the jar of cash, tips the bartender and leaves.

Six months go by....


The salesman comes back through town and stops in the same bar. ( go figure ) The horse is still there in the back, but now there's a bigger jar just stuffed with money, easily 3x what he had picked up before. And the horse? Well the horse still has this $hit eating grin on his face and is still snickering.

So the salesman walks up to the bar and asks whats the new deal? Bartender replies that since the salesman came through 6 months ago the damn horse won't shut up so now the contest is to see who can make the horse cry. Salesman thinks for a minute, then walks back to the horse and puts his money on the table next to the jar. He then hunches over a little bit like he's getting something out of his pocket. The horse, curious enough lowers his head a bit thinking maybe he's gonna get a lump of sugar or a carrot.

Then all of a sudden, the horse rears up, eyes rolling back in its head, screaming cries that hurt the patrons ears. The horse then runs out of the bar into the street and kills itself by running into a streetcar.

Everyone is in total shock /images/graemlins/shocked.gif

As the salesman is stuffing the money in his pockets, the barkeeper comes up to him and says " Ok Mr. Salesman, how did you do it? How can you make that poor horse laugh and then make it take its own life?? "

He said," The first time I told the horse my dick was bigger than his "

" And the second time ? " asked the bartender.

" I proved it "


The End.

[nicky g]

OK, first of all, all you have to do is look at the little section under my picture to find out that I;m not British.

Second of all... yeah, I didn;t really expect anyone to find it funny. There's no secret pun or anything like that. It;s funny that everyone I know over here (British and otherwise) has found that joke hilarious. If you don;t find it funny you don;t find it funny so there;s no point trying to explain. I guess the closes anyone;s come is the anti-joke theory, but that still isn;t it. Ah well...

[Boris]

It's all in the delivery Nicky g! lol. Don't feel bad. I can't tell a joke to save my life. Like you, the funniest part of my jokes are when nobody laughs and then everyone starts laughing at me and not my stupid joke.

lmao

[Ulysses]

I guess.

I also read the versions here (http://www.livejournal.com/users/britgeekgrrl/506854.html) and here (http://www.undergroundscene.co.uk/upload/archive/index.php/t-12542) and here (http://forums.freddyshouse.com/archive/index.php/t-617) and here (http://www.mail-archive.com/pentax-discuss@pdml.net/msg145798.html), but I still don't get it!

[ThaSaltCracka]

[ QUOTE ]
OK, first of all, all you have to do is look at the little section under my picture to find out that I;m not British.


[/ QUOTE ]
Okay, you live in London, and last time I checked London was in England, so therefor you probably watch and/or hear a lot of British humor.

FWIW, I have heard the joke before and I didn't get it that time either, so I am not trying to insinuate that you can't tell a joke or that you have a bad sense of humor.

appparently the punchline should be "yeah [censored] em, there only bees", but I still don't get it. Haha /images/graemlins/cool.gif

[blackaces13]

After reading and re-reading this joke many times now, I have to say that I actually do find it funny. I'm now at the point of chuckling to myself when I get to the punchline. Unfortunately, I still don't know why. /images/graemlins/confused.gif

[Duke]

I don't think I get this joke. However, is the intended humor similar to that found in this joke?

Possibly similar joke that I actually laugh at:

So a woman is in a hospital having a baby, the baby is born and she passes out. When she wakes up the baby isn't there, and she wants to see her baby.

Woman: "Nurse, can I see my baby?"

Nurse: "Ma'am, we're sorry but there is something wrong with your child, and we think it's best that you just go home and pretend this never happened."

Woman, in complete shock: "I demand to see the doctor! You must be an idiot to think that I'll leave this hospital without my child. After all it's my baby, and I don't care what's wrong with it - it's my right to see it and take it home with me."

After some time the nurse returns with the doctor.

Doctor: "Ma'am, we're real sorry but we think it's best if you just don't see your child."

Woman: "I'm not leaving this hospital until I see it - I'm its f*cking mother!"

So the doctor looks at the nurse, nods, and starts to escort the woman out of the room. They go through some old doors that aren't used much to find an ancient elevator that not more than 5 people knew existed.

They enter the elevator and proceed to travel several hundred feet below the bottom of the hospital, and the doors open into a murky passage. There is water dripping, slime on the walls, and small rodents and such running around and disappearing into holes in the side of the tunnel.

They walk to the end of this tunnel, and there is a large metal door. Both the nurse and the doctor take out keys, stand to each side, and at the count of 3 turn them in unison. The door opens to reveal a very large room that looks something like an amphitheatre. Up on a dais in the middle of the stage is a linen cover, covering some sort of object.

As they come closer to the object they see that it's pulsing - almost breathing - and emitting slight noises.

The doctor pulls off the cover with a flourish, and on the table is - something. It's a greenish object with humanoid parts, but all in the wrong locations. Out the back sticks a left thumb, and the legs are where the arms are supposed to be. The head isn't developed at all, except for one large unblinking eye basically mounted on the top of the neck. The body has more in common with a pile of mashed potatoes than with a person, and if the gravy were green the similarity would be spot-on. It's hissing, and pulsing, and that's about it.

Woman: "Oh my god, is this my baby?"

Doctor: "Yes."

Woman: "What is wrong with it!!!???"

Doctor: "It's blind."

~D

[Duke]

I'm going to admit that I don't laugh at this joke, but I think I might understand why it's funny. For those who are at a complete loss, I'll break it down as I see it.

The "joke" part of it comes from the build-up with the million bees in one hive. I'm imagining that the intent is to get the listener to construct in their own mind a network of questions pertaining to the issues resulting from housing that many bees in one smallish location. It would be a nightmare! There would be overcrowding, resource issues, and it might even deteriorate into full scale bee vs. bee warfare. One may go so far as to say that it's a logistical nightmare on par with a full-scale genocide, for that sort of crowding and torture has only been seen in the concentration camps of WW2. But it's problem with no actual solution. Kind of like waging a war against "terror" - something so vague and many headed that to comprehend the solution would be godlike in and of itself. There's no obvious explanation as to how one would keep that many bees in one hive.

So, when the listener is expecting some explanation involving one really elaborate hive combining features of communes, mega-malls and space stations all wrapped into one bee-filled homestead, they don't get it. All they get is an offhanded "F*ck 'em".

And that's when you're supposed to laugh, I think.

~D

[Sundevils21]

[ QUOTE ]
I'm going to admit that I don't laugh at this joke, but I think I might understand why it's funny. For those who are at a complete loss, I'll break it down as I see it.

The "joke" part of it comes from the build-up with the million bees in one hive. I'm imagining that the intent is to get the listener to construct in their own mind a network of questions pertaining to the issues resulting from housing that many bees in one smallish location. It would be a nightmare! There would be overcrowding, resource issues, and it might even deteriorate into full scale bee vs. bee warfare. One may go so far as to say that it's a logistical nightmare on par with a full-scale genocide, for that sort of crowding and torture has only been seen in the concentration camps of WW2. But it's problem with no actual solution. Kind of like waging a war against "terror" - something so vague and many headed that to comprehend the solution would be godlike in and of itself. There's no obvious explanation as to how one would keep that many bees in one hive.

So, when the listener is expecting some explanation involving one really elaborate hive combining features of communes, mega-malls and space stations all wrapped into one bee-filled homestead, they don't get it. All they get is an offhanded "F*ck 'em".

And that's when you're supposed to laugh, I think.

~D

[/ QUOTE ]


I think if a joke needs an explination at least as long as the joke, the joke sucks. Sorry.

[juanez]

OK...when Man A says "F*** 'em", I think it's in the "let them F***" sense of the word instead of the "to hell with them" sense, and therefore there are a million bees.

In other words, Man A let's them F*** so much that there are a million of them.

Maybe? Still not that funny tho... /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[juanez]

This may be an oldie, but I just heard it again yesterday:


Why do lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin down.

[Duke]

That works better if the punchline is: "Nah, they're just F*CKING bees."

Using the expletive as a modifier on "bees," that is.

~D

[juanez]

[ QUOTE ]
"Nah, they're just F*CKING bees."


[/ QUOTE ]

Hell yeah, that makes a lot more sense to me.

[Robk]

predictable but good if you haven't heard it

a man walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and brandishing a pistol. he walks up to the receptionist and demands that she open the safe behind her. she manages to stammer out "uh, sir this is a sperm bank. we don't have any money here." he screams at her to open the safe and waves the pistol around. finally she agrees, and opens the safe. she says "look i'm telling the truth. there are just samples in here." the man looks inside the safe and says "pick up that tube, and drink it." the woman is confused but scared, and she knocks it back. he points the gun at another tube and says "now drink that", and of course she does. then a third one. finally the woman asks the gunman what this is all about. he takes off the mask and it's her husband. he says "see, now was it that damn bad?"

[imported_turvalon]

This is my favorite poker joke although it may be old....
---------------------

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn't help but notice that Bill's wife, Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything you liked under there? Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeedhe did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost $500.

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as themoral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested.She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that he should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and, after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00pm and, upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

NOW THAT'S A POKER PLAYER!

[Duke]

Some people don't even understand simple jokes - even when they think they're funny. Time for an anecdote.

This happened maybe 10-15 years ago. My father worked in a factory, and well, not everyone who works in a factory has a high mental aptitude.

So my dad tells his buddy a joke.

"You hear they arrested Oprah last night?"

"No."

"At the security check at the airport last night they looked under her dress and found 10 pounds of crack."

The guy starts laughing so hard he's basically crying.

A little later the guy decides to pass the joke on to someone else in my dad's presence.

"You hear they arrested Oprah last night?"

"No."

"Yeah they looked under her dress and found 10 pounds of pussy."

~D

[nicky g]

No, I don't think that's it. It is "f7ck'em in the sense "f em, they're only bees", although i prefer just "f'em." Basically, it's just stupid. That's what's funny. I didn't expect it to generate this much disussion /images/graemlins/tongue.gif.

Anyway, here's another on somewhat similar lines (just stupid):

A duck walks into a butcher's. "Can I help you?" says the butcher.
"Got any fish?" asks the duck.
"No, sorry, this is a butcher's" says the butcher. "But there's a fishmonger's just down the street." The duck leaves.
Half an hour later the duck is back. "Yes?" says the butcher.
"Got any fish?" asks the duck.
"No, this is a butcher's, we sell meat. Like I told you, there's a fishmonger's just down the road." The duck leaves. Half an hour later, he's back. "Got any fish?"
"No!" shouts the butcher. "Get out!".
Half an hour later, he's back. "Yes?" asks the butcher, quivering with rage.
"Got any fish?" asks the duck.
"Look" screams the butcher, "if you come in here one more time asking for fish I'm going to nail your f%cking beak to the f*cking counter! Now get out and don't come back!"
Half an hour later, the duck's back. The butcher starts to cry.
"Got any nails?" asks the duck.
"No!" shouts the butcher.
"Got any fish?"

[nicky g]

And one more. THis contains bad language (the worst of all):

The village priest is fishing down at the river when he gets a big bite on his line. He pulls and pulls and a crowd gathers round to watch. Finally he pulls out a massive, beautiful fish. Every one cheers including old Jack, who shouts "Well done Father, you caught the f%cker!"
"Jack!" shouts the priest. "You should be ashamed of yourself using that kind of language in front of a man of the cloth."
Jack colours slightly. "Oh no, father", he says, trying to find a way out of it. "That's, er, just the name of that kind of fish. It's called a F&cker."
"Oh," says the priest. "Sorry, then." He goes home with his catch and shows it to his housekeeper. "Look at the great big f(cker I caught today!"
"Father!" shouts the housekeeper, almost fainting. "What's got into you?"
"Oh, no, no, it's alright. That's just the name of the fish. Jack told me. Now, I'd like to have it for lunch; would you prepare it?"
So the housekeeper prepares the fish to be cooked and is about to put it on when the Bishop comes in. "Hallo", says the housekeeper. "Look at the big old F4cker Father Roonery caught."
"Mary!" shouts the Bishop. "I should have you excommunicated!"
"Oh, sorry bishop. I should have said, that's what the fish is called."
"Ah, OK" says the bishop. "I tell you what, I'm great at cooking fish, so if you'd let me stay for lunch I'd be happy to cook it." He cooks the fish and they're about to sit down for lunch when the Pope comes in. "Your holiness!" they say. "Hallo, my children," says the Pope, bowing. "Mind if I join you for lunch?" They all sit down and have a quiet lunch. Everyne is very polite. "Well", says the Pope at the end. "Thank you for your wonderful hospitality. May I say, that was quite a piece of fish."
"Oh thank you", says the priest, pleased, "and did I tell you that it was me that caught the f£cker?"
"Yes", says the housekeeper. "And what a big old f*cker it was. I prepared it you know."
"And I cooked the f*cker" adds the Bishop.
The Pope looks at them a little quizically, then pulls out a cigar and puts his feet up on the table. "F7ck me" he says, "you c$nts are alright."

[Vehn]

Awesome.

[Cptkernow]

No way on a par with that but this joke has due to some bitter personal experiences allway been one of my favourites.

Why do Panda Bears instictively know how to treat women?

Because they eat, shoots and leaves.

Cheers

Kernow.

[pudley4]

The duck joke was funny /images/graemlins/laugh.gif

A man is waiting in line to buy a train ticket home to Pittsburgh. He notices the extremely large breasts on the ticket agent. When he gets to the front of the line, he says to her "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh...I mean, a ticket to Pittsburgh". He's embarrassed and mumbles an apology. The guy behind him says "That's ok buddy, we all have Freudian slips now and then. Just last night I was eating dinner with my wife. I wanted to ask her "Pass the butter please" but instead it came out as "You f***ing bitch, you ruined my life!"

[CORed]

Another somewhat similar joke. Shortly after the end of WWII, an ace fighter pilot was being interviewed on the radio. He was telling the story of one of his dogfights, and says, "and these three f**kers came at me from below, machine guns firing." The radio announcer hastily explains that Fokker was a German plane manufacturer, to which the pilot replies "No, these f**kers were Messershmidts."