Tommy's Seat Selection- Ladies' Tees

Tommy and the Babe decided to play a different game last week.....a game which requires extreme concentration, discipline and physical skill. A game which makes grown men cry--You guessed it: GOLF. Our tee time was 8:26 and I gave Tommy directions to my country club (he wrote them down, by the way). Basically...it's a "straight shot" down Flamingo-- Just stay ON Flamingo--you "can't miss it". Your two landmarks are Pecos Rd. and Boulder Hwy. When you pass Boulder Hwy, it's about 1/2 mile on the left". So at 8:10, I get a call saying "Hey Babe- I'm stuck in traffic, but near the Bellagio". "Ok, I say..you are 20 minutes away, no problem". Now my phone goes dead (uh oh..forgot to charge the battery) and I saunter over to the starter to tell him we will be a "little late" off the tee. At 8:45, I start to get a litter concerned that Tommy is...uh...lost? So, I wait and wait and finally he shows up at 9:10. So, the 20 minute drive from Bellagio only took him an hour! Unbeknownst to the Babe, he had left me 7 messages on my dead-battery cell phone detailing his trip (If only I could add an audio to this post so you could get the true flavor of those messages). Anyway..they start out with "Hey Babe- I'm a little lost right now- I think I passed the course and I'm turning around". Then..."It's SPECTACULAR how lost I am"-I can't believe it's this far-I am never, ever, late for anything". The next one is "Hi- I'm still a little lost, wow- this is frustrating. Is this what "CAN'T MISS IT" means?" I have not been this upset in 10 years"!. Next is: Ok..I'm in a residential area on a golf course now, so I must be close (at least to some golf course), ..but now I'm locked in cuz the gate was open when I got here, but now the gate is closed"-Yikes!".! These messages alone were worth the wait- funny as hell!. Ok..so on to the GAME. We pair up with 2 guys who are the "poster kids" for Logo wear. All the gear and the portly figures to match. Tommy, by the way is totally unprepared: He's rushed, he's using borrowed clubs, he's wearing tennis shoes with holes in them, he's got no golf glove, and most importantly...he's concerned that he lost points with the Babe for being late (but he does like the Babe's "golf look"). So...I'm saying..cool.."easy mark-easy money". But here's the proverbial "fly in the ointment"- he won't keep score!. Wants NO part of it, no way, no how. Tells me to keep my own score. Well great, no score no bet. Shucks. Ok, fine. Babe hits a nice drive off the 1st tee and Tommy hits his short, fat and ugly (although it did pass the ladies' tee). Observant poker player that I am, I notice his backswing is too fast and he doesn't move his hips through the ball (some people have no rhythm). I have a lovely swing and look good even when I miss, so I think I have the best of it for now. Much to my dismay, my short game collapses 90 yards from the green and I am now happy we did not make a wager. The next 3 holes are uneventful, and then we reach number 5 - a 400 yd par 4 (322 for me). It was getting warm and I suggested Tommy put on some sunscreen, which he does. Now the funny part...his hands are so sticky and slimey from the sunsceen that he cannot get a grip on the club BUT he swings anyway (and misses, of course). He says "I knew that was going to happen". This is equivalent to calling when you should fold. Anyway, he realizes that gripping the club is essential to making contact with the ball, so he wipes his hands on the fairway while the Babe is laughing out loud. He tries again, but now he aims at the WRONG hole (obviously disoriented from lack of food, low blood pressure or sunstroke). I volunteer no information. His aim is so BAD that he makes a GREAT shot and is within chipping range of the correct hole! And the portly duo appalauds as the Babe sulks at having lost another advantage. At the turn, Babe has a score but Tommy doesn't. Fine. As we make it to the 10th tee, Tommy knows I cannot stand it anymore- I MUST BET! There is NO MORE CHECKING this damn game-GEEZE! He suggests a wager of 5 bucks for best score on back 9. But...he's got one condition- (are there "conditions" in Golf?). He is truly a pain in the ass, but I say "OK"- fine...what is the "condition"? He says "I want to play from the SAME tees". Hmmm, well..that sounds fair MACHO MAN! But...I agree to this ridiculous "condition" because I MUST have "ACTION".! So...do I move back or do I let him move up? Since we hit the ball about the same distance, I should have moved back. The problem with this was that my short game was a little suspect that day, so I thought I should give myself the advantage from the front tees. Besides, I wanted to see how Tommy looked in a skirt and lipstick! He was not at all humiliated by this, by the way. Here comes #10. Tommy starts off with a par to my bogie, followed by a double for each of us and then he picks up another par and then a few more good holes and then....uh...oh...NO...this is not good for the Babe. He's playing well and I'm struggling. Yikes...he's getting my chips! He is playing his A game and I'm a B- at best. This is like Greg Norman vs. Tiger Woods. I am now desperate. On 16, I tell him his score hoping that he might think about it and maybe get "tiltable". I'm still behind and need a "miracle" hole to get even. He tries to give me an "out" and suggests "adjusting" the bet, but Babe declines, saying "the bet stands as is, win or lose". On 18, I see hope, as Tommy now duffs a shot then 2 then..4.! He says, "you should never have told me my score" I just know I will make an 8 on this hole". Babe smiles her best smile and keeps her fingers crossed. Tommy does make his snowman! And...the Babe makes one too (sigh). Really sad and unfulfilling. So...yes...the Babe pays Tommy off. There is one item I forgot to mention: Tommy gave me a dime to use as a ballmarker on the 2nd hole (which I still have) and he also paid for lunch. That offsets the 5 bucks, I think. OK...come on guys...I need to justify this "bad beat" somethow, don't I?. Your humble Golfer....Babe.

A grown man, playing from the women's tee's? I would pay 5 bucks to see that, win or lose. So in reality you paid 5 bucks for a great story. I think that is worth it. I wouldn't be humbled for not winning in this situation at all. The other two logo guys never poked fun at him??

" ... he won't keep score!. Wants NO part of it, no way, no how."


I've yet to hear one good reason why I should.


"The next 3 holes are uneventful, ..."


Except that I parred the second hole, back when you were still keeping score. :-) (And I shot a 46 on the back nine with an 8 on the last hole, for those keeping score! :-) )


"He suggests a wager of 5 bucks for best score on back 9. But...he's got one condition- ... He says "I want to play from the SAME tees". Hmmm, well..that sounds fair MACHO MAN!" But...I agree to this ridiculous "condition" because I MUST have "ACTION".!"


And therein lies the secret to my golf-wagering success. My record is about 20-0, with 10 ties. I've never lost money at golf because I simply won't bet unless I've got WAY the best of it. And the ties are the times when I give back my winnings on the last hole, on purpose, like I offered to do for you. Those who can't stand to play for nothing must play on my terms or go without betting. It's a slam dunk. One time a guy pestered me to bet all during the first three holes. I shot really bad those holes, as usual starting out. On the fourth tee, he offered me one stroke on par threes, 1.5 strokes on par fours, and two strokes on par fives. We played $10 per hole. I won $150, and drove him absolutely bonkers toward the end by not pressing. (He was an ass. Against a friend, we would have made a way to end up nearly even.)


In a sense, the betting ruins part of the fun for me by placing emphasis back on the absurdly arbitrary score-keeping concept. So the way I figure it, if I'm willfully forfeiting pleasure on anothers behalf, I should be compensated.


"He was not at all humiliated by this, [teeing off from lady's tees] by the way."


Humiliated? I loved it! Why the heck do they put the holes so far away in the first place? And what the heck difference does it make where you start from? Some yahoo goes out there in the morning and moves some little peg-held lobes around so that the grass will grow back from where everyone hit last week, and now all of a sudden I am bound by his whim to hit from where he says to, while he's eating a hotdog and watching a hockey game? I don't get it.


Score-keeping ruins golf. Go play a couple rounds without a pencil, and then come tell me I'm wrong.


Great time, Babe. Thanks. You're a champ.


Tommy

Hey Tommy, I played golf with the Babe many times and she beats the shit out of me everytime. I guarantee you that she let u win. It would be very embarassing for u if she beat u with u hitting from the ladies tee. She's just sucking u in. The next time make a big bet and see what happens. LOL. Just kidding, she's a sweetheart. I met u at the Horseshoe a week or so ago. After reading all your posts, I would love to play poker with u, but u play too high for me. I'm playing golf with the Babe tomorrow, and if I don't beat her I'm going to be one hot sucker. Thanks for all your posts. I've learned a lot from them. An Babe, bring your best game tomorrow cause I'm going to kick your ass. Ha Ha , what a joke!

I'm ready for you Ishkabibble...I think Victor will kick both our butts...I'll be there by 8, and won't be late. Babe

It isn't keeping score that ruins golf; it's the entire invented rigamarole of lugging a bag of sticks around and whacking at that little white ball. It distracts from the appeal of strolling through a green and pleasant glade.

Alan-I believe the quote is by Harvey Pineck : Golf- "A good walk spoiled". Do you play? Babe

Actually, Tommy, I don't think there are "ladies" tees anymore. most courses call them "forward" or "members" tees.

I've got to meet you and play some golf with you back here in the bay area. I'm a sucker for bets that I can't win.

But how is having the best of it compensation? How is money compensation? How is survival compensation?

I don't know the originator of the quote, but sports writer (and fellow Duke (Trinity College) '78 alum) John Feinstein has a book about golf with that title.


Some would argue that trout fishing is spoiling a visit to a beautiful stream. I think of it as enhancing it. That reminder is the only thing that prevents me from labelling golfers lunatics.


Regards, Lee

...reputedly pretty fair poker player is the source of the quote "golf is a good walk spoiled"

maybe you'd have been on time if Alex was driving?

lee,

I flyfish and golf, so what does that make me?

btw, since you're a scuba/flyfishing guy, have you ever dove in a trout stream? something I'd like to do myself, but, being from hawaii, I have coldaphobia.

Actually, it is considered one of the things Twain is supposed to have said, but for which no citation can actually be found. (Same as "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.")


One wag has put it, "Most of what has been attributed to Mark Twain was actually said by Yogi Berra."

No, Babe, I don't play golf. I went through a phase of trying to learn it, in high school, but I could never swing worth a tinkers cuss.

The "good walk spoiled" line is from, who else, Mark Twain. Between Twain and Angelo, harldy any memorable sayings or stories originate elsewhere.

My favorite afternoon would be a 2 hour lunch with Angelo, followed by a 1-1/2 hour break with Pudd'nhead Wilson. Life couldn't get no better than that.


By the way, the shortest set of tees are not the "ladies" tees. They are simply the shortest set of tees, to be used by shorter hitters, be they of either sex.