J.A.Sucker
05-12-2004, 07:31 PM
Prologue:
"Vegas, baby! Vegas!" I swear that I had this cell-phone conversation with Ulysses approximately 33 times on Wednesday, just hours to our trip. As Wednesday evening rolled around, I kept staring at my watch with the anticipation reserved for gradeschool kids on the last day of school... tick, tick, tick... (self) "damn, I need to wind my watch, I think it stopped!" (self) "Nope, I just appear to be stuck in a time-altering vortex. Damn."
On Thursday morning, I escaped that vortex, and headed to San Jose airport. I flew Southwest, which means that I was spared staggering out onto the tarmac to board my plane, an act that I always found amusing until the time I had an injured achilles and it was pouring rain, but I digress, because I had a plan: spend four days in Vegas, and try to leave with more than the 7K I started with.
Bankroll: 7,000.
Vegas Baby:
I touched down on Thursday afternoon, and was on my own until Ulysses came in at midnight, so in the cab to the Monte Carlo, I rang up Noted Poker Authority Ed Miller, aka Majorkong. He said he was writing and couldn't come out and play until later, else Mason would take away his birthday. I checked my messages, and I had two. First message: "Vegas, Baby! Vegas!!!!" Thanks, Ulysses. The second message was from the Babe, arranging our rendesvous for tomrrow's golf date.
I dropped off my bags in the room and went to freshen up. I was unpacking my golf when I realized that the yahoos in security was kind enough to lock my bag up with one of those little luggage locks. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have one of those locks on my bag when I packed, so I spent a half an hour jimmying the damned thing open. I think that the terrorists have already won.
I tell my friendly taxi operator to assist me in traveling to the luxurious Golden Nugget, home to the illustrious 50-100 game. He proceeded to tell me about every strip club and how much it would cost to get a BJ at half of them. Upon arrival, I kindly declined his offer for coke, and I sauntered down Freemont Street, which was indeed worthy of being called an "Experience." You just don't get the continuous stream of worn-out gamblers, low-rollers, and homeless burn-outs up on the strip. Some of them cause me to pause and wonder how many of them have one hell of a story to tell - the time that the put it all on the pass line with a point of 6, or that time playing Casino War where they were dealt a K and came up one point short, but my pause was short-lived, since I had poker to go play.
Hi I'm Clark, and here's my evil clone, Paul:
After terrorizing the 10-20 game at the Nugget for awhile, I was asked if I wanted to play a 125 dollar one-table satellite. Winner take-all. I said, OK, and took 25 red chips from my stack of over a grand in the 10-20 game and bought in. The old crusty ass on my left said "no money off the table!!!" As he called over the floorman, I took out a wad of cash, and said, "OK, five thousand behind." Before getting called to my tourney, this same old bastard tried to get into a fight with a 30 year old guy after they got into a lover's quarrel. I thought he was kidding, then I remembered that I was in Vegas, and these dessicated, sun-hardened old farts mean business. Fair enough, but no altercation came down.
I played in the tournamnent, and finished 4th. Not much to say, except that I drank 8 beers during it, and the highlight of the event was the Ulysses called me and said "Vegas, Baby! Vegas!" Then he laughed at me for playing a sit-n'-go in Vegas, but I laughed at him for not being here, so we were even.
Busted out, I managed to get called into the newly forming 50-100 game. I'm treading water for awhile when Clarkmeister shows up. He's sweating me and he says hi to the dude two seats to my left, who's got a hat slung down over his eyes. After playing a bit, I ask Clark if that's Coileen, and he says it is. I still don't see the resemblance. Coileen still has no idea who I am, though he is smart enough to deduce that I'm a 2+2er. The game sucks, and I'm hungry, so Coileen and I cash out and start chatting. He still can't figure out who I am, but I end up down a little for my trip to the Nugget. After a bit, I finally told him, and we ate Chinese food at the Mirage.
As we were sitting down, Noted Poker Authority Ed Miller called and I said that we'd wait for him. He showed up and we ate some food and drank some beers. Coileen and I headed over to the Mirage for some 20-40. Seats open in the game. The 2 seat says "this is a forced straddle game." The dealer agreed. Every hand was straddled. This was fun as hell, and made for some exciting hands. I won a big pot as the straddler with Q6o when it was 4 players for 3 bets preflop and I flopped QsTsQh. After an hour, some nittly Vegas regulars came in and stopped the straddling. That was dumb. We all needled these guys incessantly, hoping that they'd gamble or leave. They did neither.
Case in point, the waitress came by, hissing "Cock-tailzzz" and I ordered a tequila and a beer, Coileen beers, and more booze, as did the whole table, except for nit #1. He quietly ordered "2 Perriers, no fruit" as if he were ordering a porno at the Video Shack while dressed in his priest's garb. I said loudly piped up, "Dammit, man! Live a little! At least get the fruit!!!" He didn't, that retard.
The game slowed down after awhile, and I was stuck. On our last orbit, Nit #2 said to me, "what, no straddle?!?" (he thought I was an idiot). I say, OK, only if Paul is in. He abliges, as do a few others. Great, a round of straddles and the door. I get dealt 67o. There are 3 callers for 2 bets, and Nitty raises from the BB. I call as do the others. The flop came down 6-7-3. Turn 7. River 5. I sure straddled his pocket ladies! AKSHAWN!!!
Coileen and I cashed out for drunken gambing with Ulysses and Noted Poker Authority Ed Miller came along, too. I can't remember much from the BJ session, except that we drank a lot and that I'm not good at blackjack. However, the notable event was that Noted Poker Authority Ed Miller was completely plastered and yelling "BOOOM!!!" every time he made a hand. Whenever the pit looked at us with a furrowed brow, we said, "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?!? IT'S NOTED POKER AUTHORITY ED MILLER!!!" They were unimpressed.
We headed to the roulette table to try to win 17,000 but, as already chronicled in another post, Ulysses, Coileen, and I somehow lost. We're not very good at roulette, but luckily for us, we ARE good at drinking.
My final stop that night was at the craps table. All I will say is that Noted Poker Authority Ed Miller is good at craps. He hit 2 fours in a row, and Sucker won 500 bucks. I'm good at craps, baby! BOOM! I wished my fellow degenerates adieu, since I had a date with the Babe at 7:45 the next morning on the links.
I got to the room and called for a wakeup call in 3 hours. That sucked. I showered and headed down to meet the Babe. On my way through the casino, I heard the unmistakable "BOOM!" that could only be Noted Poker Authority Ed Miller. Sure enough, he and Ulysses are still playing BJ, completely wasted. I tipped my cap to those two got some coffee and headed out to meet the Babe.
Part two will be coming (if anyone will even get this far), hungover golf with the Babe.
Final tally from Day 1: Bankroll: 6850.
"Vegas, baby! Vegas!" I swear that I had this cell-phone conversation with Ulysses approximately 33 times on Wednesday, just hours to our trip. As Wednesday evening rolled around, I kept staring at my watch with the anticipation reserved for gradeschool kids on the last day of school... tick, tick, tick... (self) "damn, I need to wind my watch, I think it stopped!" (self) "Nope, I just appear to be stuck in a time-altering vortex. Damn."
On Thursday morning, I escaped that vortex, and headed to San Jose airport. I flew Southwest, which means that I was spared staggering out onto the tarmac to board my plane, an act that I always found amusing until the time I had an injured achilles and it was pouring rain, but I digress, because I had a plan: spend four days in Vegas, and try to leave with more than the 7K I started with.
Bankroll: 7,000.
Vegas Baby:
I touched down on Thursday afternoon, and was on my own until Ulysses came in at midnight, so in the cab to the Monte Carlo, I rang up Noted Poker Authority Ed Miller, aka Majorkong. He said he was writing and couldn't come out and play until later, else Mason would take away his birthday. I checked my messages, and I had two. First message: "Vegas, Baby! Vegas!!!!" Thanks, Ulysses. The second message was from the Babe, arranging our rendesvous for tomrrow's golf date.
I dropped off my bags in the room and went to freshen up. I was unpacking my golf when I realized that the yahoos in security was kind enough to lock my bag up with one of those little luggage locks. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have one of those locks on my bag when I packed, so I spent a half an hour jimmying the damned thing open. I think that the terrorists have already won.
I tell my friendly taxi operator to assist me in traveling to the luxurious Golden Nugget, home to the illustrious 50-100 game. He proceeded to tell me about every strip club and how much it would cost to get a BJ at half of them. Upon arrival, I kindly declined his offer for coke, and I sauntered down Freemont Street, which was indeed worthy of being called an "Experience." You just don't get the continuous stream of worn-out gamblers, low-rollers, and homeless burn-outs up on the strip. Some of them cause me to pause and wonder how many of them have one hell of a story to tell - the time that the put it all on the pass line with a point of 6, or that time playing Casino War where they were dealt a K and came up one point short, but my pause was short-lived, since I had poker to go play.
Hi I'm Clark, and here's my evil clone, Paul:
After terrorizing the 10-20 game at the Nugget for awhile, I was asked if I wanted to play a 125 dollar one-table satellite. Winner take-all. I said, OK, and took 25 red chips from my stack of over a grand in the 10-20 game and bought in. The old crusty ass on my left said "no money off the table!!!" As he called over the floorman, I took out a wad of cash, and said, "OK, five thousand behind." Before getting called to my tourney, this same old bastard tried to get into a fight with a 30 year old guy after they got into a lover's quarrel. I thought he was kidding, then I remembered that I was in Vegas, and these dessicated, sun-hardened old farts mean business. Fair enough, but no altercation came down.
I played in the tournamnent, and finished 4th. Not much to say, except that I drank 8 beers during it, and the highlight of the event was the Ulysses called me and said "Vegas, Baby! Vegas!" Then he laughed at me for playing a sit-n'-go in Vegas, but I laughed at him for not being here, so we were even.
Busted out, I managed to get called into the newly forming 50-100 game. I'm treading water for awhile when Clarkmeister shows up. He's sweating me and he says hi to the dude two seats to my left, who's got a hat slung down over his eyes. After playing a bit, I ask Clark if that's Coileen, and he says it is. I still don't see the resemblance. Coileen still has no idea who I am, though he is smart enough to deduce that I'm a 2+2er. The game sucks, and I'm hungry, so Coileen and I cash out and start chatting. He still can't figure out who I am, but I end up down a little for my trip to the Nugget. After a bit, I finally told him, and we ate Chinese food at the Mirage.
As we were sitting down, Noted Poker Authority Ed Miller called and I said that we'd wait for him. He showed up and we ate some food and drank some beers. Coileen and I headed over to the Mirage for some 20-40. Seats open in the game. The 2 seat says "this is a forced straddle game." The dealer agreed. Every hand was straddled. This was fun as hell, and made for some exciting hands. I won a big pot as the straddler with Q6o when it was 4 players for 3 bets preflop and I flopped QsTsQh. After an hour, some nittly Vegas regulars came in and stopped the straddling. That was dumb. We all needled these guys incessantly, hoping that they'd gamble or leave. They did neither.
Case in point, the waitress came by, hissing "Cock-tailzzz" and I ordered a tequila and a beer, Coileen beers, and more booze, as did the whole table, except for nit #1. He quietly ordered "2 Perriers, no fruit" as if he were ordering a porno at the Video Shack while dressed in his priest's garb. I said loudly piped up, "Dammit, man! Live a little! At least get the fruit!!!" He didn't, that retard.
The game slowed down after awhile, and I was stuck. On our last orbit, Nit #2 said to me, "what, no straddle?!?" (he thought I was an idiot). I say, OK, only if Paul is in. He abliges, as do a few others. Great, a round of straddles and the door. I get dealt 67o. There are 3 callers for 2 bets, and Nitty raises from the BB. I call as do the others. The flop came down 6-7-3. Turn 7. River 5. I sure straddled his pocket ladies! AKSHAWN!!!
Coileen and I cashed out for drunken gambing with Ulysses and Noted Poker Authority Ed Miller came along, too. I can't remember much from the BJ session, except that we drank a lot and that I'm not good at blackjack. However, the notable event was that Noted Poker Authority Ed Miller was completely plastered and yelling "BOOOM!!!" every time he made a hand. Whenever the pit looked at us with a furrowed brow, we said, "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?!? IT'S NOTED POKER AUTHORITY ED MILLER!!!" They were unimpressed.
We headed to the roulette table to try to win 17,000 but, as already chronicled in another post, Ulysses, Coileen, and I somehow lost. We're not very good at roulette, but luckily for us, we ARE good at drinking.
My final stop that night was at the craps table. All I will say is that Noted Poker Authority Ed Miller is good at craps. He hit 2 fours in a row, and Sucker won 500 bucks. I'm good at craps, baby! BOOM! I wished my fellow degenerates adieu, since I had a date with the Babe at 7:45 the next morning on the links.
I got to the room and called for a wakeup call in 3 hours. That sucked. I showered and headed down to meet the Babe. On my way through the casino, I heard the unmistakable "BOOM!" that could only be Noted Poker Authority Ed Miller. Sure enough, he and Ulysses are still playing BJ, completely wasted. I tipped my cap to those two got some coffee and headed out to meet the Babe.
Part two will be coming (if anyone will even get this far), hungover golf with the Babe.
Final tally from Day 1: Bankroll: 6850.