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whiskeytown
01-09-2004, 04:39 PM
The Blues Rules: Don't go breaking them...

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.Then find something that rhymes ...sort of:
Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound.

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: you stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing isn't the blues. Breaking your leg cuz a' alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside and sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places for the Blues: a. ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a' old black man, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived. d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a legup on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water e. double, decaf, lowfat latte

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie

18. People with names like Sequoia/Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit): a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

20. I don't care how tragic your life is: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it with fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.

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RB

Gamblor
01-09-2004, 05:29 PM
Brilliance.

Zeno
01-09-2004, 09:13 PM
Go get my shotgun -
an' bring me a pocket ful uf shells-

-Shotgun Blues, by Lighin' Hopkins


And that man in Memphis better be a shoten down by a old WW I era pistol or a 12-gauge shotgun. Rifles don't count.

A-1 post, Whiskeytown.

-Zeno

CCass
01-10-2004, 01:11 AM
Excellent post. My side is still hurting from laughing so hard.

Al_Capone_Junior
01-11-2004, 12:07 PM
Blues song, by Blind Lemon Kennedy

Sung to the tune of "ground-hog day" by Primus. Just kidding! It's 12-bar blues, of course.

I Shot a man down in Memphis
Now he's lyin' in the cemetary
I shot a man down in Memphis
now he's pushin' up daisies
Mean ol' lawman come for me
that's why I'm bound for New Orleans

Mean ol' woman she left me
she as evil as can be
mean ol' woman left me
took off with my cousin Zeek
dang ol' woman so evil
she even took my dog scooter-dee

it's 110 in the summer
in the winter it's minus 43
it's 110~! in the summer
in the winter it's minus four-tay-three-yay~!
since I been livin' in my cadillac
don't know whether to boil or to freeze

An alligator got me yesterday
bit my leg off at the knee
Possum got me the day before
stole my bottle o' Jim Beam
that's why I sing the blues today
I'm a one legged wretch in New Orleans

I Shot a man down in Memphis
Now he's lyin' in the cemetary
I shot a man down in Memphis
now he's pushin' up daisies
Mean ol' lawman come for me
that's why I'm bound for New Orleans

-Al Capone Junior

baggins
01-12-2004, 03:07 AM
excellent. mind if i use it?

Al_Capone_Junior
01-12-2004, 11:57 AM
Sure just send me a tape! Heck if we wind up in the same area sometime I'll play bass for it. I was in a band in the past and can rip out some 12-bar blues bass.

customcretecreations@yahoo.com

al