I have no friends anymore. Please help

[ineedmoneybad]

I have no friends at all. I have some family close by but am having

problems around them.
This May be a bit of an exageration but This is the vibe I get from my

family, and most people in general.

He has no friends(which is true)
Leave him out
ignore him
act like hes trash
make him feel uncomforatble
when he speaks, interupt him on purpose
when others are around treat him especially bad.
I would rather not see him with any confidence or friends.

Like I said this is an exageration, but its the vibe I get off them.

I'm nice to eveyone and never treat others like this.
I try but I cant seem to make any friends, and normally get treated

horrible when I go out in public which is rarley.

This has put me in an extreamly pissed off mood, pissed at everyone,

pissed at life. Some of these reasons I guess are why I lost the few

freinds I ever had. The reason I lost the few friends I had was

beacause they decided I was too much of a loser to hang out with. Ive

never had a girlfriend and all girls hate me. What do I do? Do I move

far away, and try to start a new life? I'm confused about this and

have skipped almost all family gatherings lately. Should I go to the

christmas gathering in a couple days? I would feel very awkward and

uncomfortable since Ive skipped this the past 2 years, saying I was

sick. I feel extreamly uncomfortable at these, or any gathering. I

pretty much have no life.

[OrangeHeat]

Hi need,

In all seriousness I am not a professional but it sounds like you may be suffering from deppression. Maybe your friends and family leaving you caused this or maybe they left because of it.

You really should consider talking to a pro. You seem to be very angry/sad/alone - depression can be like dominoes first affecting one part of your life and quickly cascading into others.

As to your friends and family - I have been there before. I was a shy fat kid in my teens and learned to avoid people because I could not deal with my self-concious. Same thing -no GF, hated family functions, I thought everyone couldn't care less.. It is a very lonely angering state to be in...

I numbed those feelings for awhile with alcohol binges on the weekend so I could loosen up and deal with people...that led to no good. I guess the thing that brought me back to reality was a run in with the law for DUI.

While I was being booked the seriousness of my state of mind was all too real. After that I quit binging and I started to make contact with old friends - e-mails, telephone, etc... and realized many of them had not alienated me - I had alienated them.. I also realized my family really did care for me - but my depression had blinded me..

It was great to talk to old friends remember what life was like before the haze, etc...I am not sure how I got to the point I am at now but my life took an 180 degree turn..

Married, two kids, great job, and I keep in contact with more people from my teens than I did when I was a teen...

Maybe this is all irrelevant to you - but I thought I could let you know that there is a way out. You can lead a happy life and change directions...

I would start with going to your x-mas party and talking to a pro. Go into your party with no pre-conceptions. Make an effort be in a good state of mind when you go - if your not at this point then it will only serve to frustrate you.

Also get out more - if you can't deal with people yet personnaly do things that don't require too much interaction, shopping, people watching in the mall, walking, running, fishing etc...enjoy those things and then gradually work people back inot your life.

Hope this helps. And seriously one more time if your depressed go to a pro - this worked for me but might not wokr for you.

Orange

[NutCrackerr]

Sorry to hear that things aren't going so great for you. Unfortunately I have no answers for you without knowing more about your family situation. By not going to these family gatherings you may be compounding the problem. Perhaps other family members are picking up a vibe from you (by your absence) that you don't enjoy their company. I suggest that you go and try to have a positive attitude about it. If you expect that you will be uncomfortable, then you probably will be. It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy. If it turns out to be horrible, politely excuse yourself. At least they will not be able to fault you for not making an effort.

As to the making new friends issue I'm sorry, I can't help. I've always been in the same boat. I've always been introverted and never felt the need to have a large group of friends, thus never spent a lot of time trying. It sounds like you have are lacking confidence and perhaps suffer from low-self esteem, both of which can be fixed, however not easily. About 3-years ago, I started working out and lost about 80 pounds. Man I felt great and it did amazing things for my self-confidence. The key is that if you feel better about yourself, others will take more interest and frienships will be much easier to come by.

I wish I had some better answers for you and hope you are able to overcome this problem. Best of luck. Happy Holidays.

[Warren Whitmore]

Try giving "How to win friends and influence people" a good read through.

[Al Schoonmaker]

Although I am a psychologist, I have hardly any training that relates directly to the feelings you've described. However, it certainly sounds to my untrained ears that you're suffering from depression and should consult a professional.
Don't take a name from the phone book. Consult your family doctor. Every good doctor knows of competent professionals and will refer you to one.
I am sure of only one point: You need much better trained help than you can find here. I urge you to get it.
Regards,
Alan

[tpir90036]

a few things:

1) you might be suffering from depression. i know that going on meds shouldn't be the answer to everything in life. but try talking with a professional. it helps, it really does.

2) try finding people on-line that you have something in common with. there are lots of web sites that you can find people with to meet up with. 2+2 for example.... try to find some poker players in your area and get a game with them.

3) i don't know your family...but i find it hard to believe that they hate you and don't want you to be happy. try talking to them too.

4) don't hate life. i don't have a good reason why not to since no one knows what "the deal" is. but there are lots of people out there who feel like you do. you aren't alone...and while that might not make things better at this moment in time....don't give up.

[redwings03]

There are some fairly caring people here and the advice is as good as you could get from strangers. We have all had down times...Dr. Schoonmaker says get some help so I am "all in" with that. Best of luck and keep your head up. In my worst times there was a friend of my family that happened to call me and it changed my life as I was headed down the wrong path for sure.

[ineedmoneybad]

Thanks for the responses.
What kind of doctor do I need? I don't have a family doctor.
I take no meds now. I use to be an alcoholic but quit recently.
What kind of meds do I need?
when I used go to these family gatherings or other parties It's never any fun. I'm nice to People but they avoid me. I feel alone at these things. I talk to someone I know, they talk to me for like 10 or 20 seconds then walk away. I'm there standing by myself, feeling a little awkward. I go talk to someone else I know and they talk to me a little then walk away. I'm standing there alone feeling like everyone hates me. Everyone in the room sees me standing alone. I feel everyone is thinking look, what a loser, he has no friends, I hope he doesnt try and talk to me. I'm not gonna follow people around like an idiot so I sit down somewhere for awhile. I sit alone for like 10 minutes then leave. I cant stand these social gatherings, and have quit going to all partys and family gathering the past 2 years. Sometimes I get the feeling like its the people in my area. I dont know what it is, I guess they dont like the way my voice sounds or somethng. I'm seriously thinking about moving far away and starting a new life somewhere else. What do I do?

[OrangeHeat]

Hi Ineed,

The type of doctor you need to consult is a psychologist. If you don't have a family doctor you should get one - or Dr. Al has offered to firect you to a reputable doctor in your area.

I am not sure what meds you need - you may not need any - somtimes talking with the doctor will help alot.

Before you do anything else I would go the doctor. It can never hurt to have a professional opinion. I think Dr. AL's advice in this thread is spot-on. The rest of us here can offer support but we are not doctors.

I hope you take this advice and schedule your appointment.

As for moving away - again see the doctor firt. If there is an underlying problem moving will not hlep it.

Best Wishes,

Orange

[IlliniRyRy]

Hey, I came across your post and wanted to give you my thoughts. You have a lack of self-confidence, which is what I have, even though I consider myself to be a pretty successful person. Everyone has it at one time or another, many people their entire lives. You feel that people act indifferently around you or don't care about you because you feel that way about yourself. You feel like you're not worthy and you're a loser. I'm guessing you're insecure because of your looks. I don't know you from Adam, but this is usually the biggest reason people are insecure. I've actually seen a psychologist about this, and he helped me quite a bit. First, when you're in public and you're feeling this way, you need to calm down and admit it to yourself that you're feeling this anxiety. You expend so much energy in trying NOT to seem wierd or insecure, which makes the situation even worse, and people will notice that you're uncomfortable. That's why they act that way. You need to say to yourself that things are the way they are right now, and there is nothing that can be immediately done about it. If you just admit your feelings to yourself, it keeps you more grounded. Also, insecure people, as I said, tend to use up a lot of energy by trying to appear normal, and it worsens the social anxiety. Try to look people in the eyes when you're interacting with them, and genuinely smile if you can. If you keep looking at someone, it makes them seem much more human, and you realize that others have the same problems you do a lot of the time. I'm not saying stare at someone, but make an effort not to look around the room and look away when someone looks at you because that builds up anxiety. LASTLY, please believe me when I tell you that moving away will not make things any better. You need to accept that right away. Wherever you run, there you will be. Don't try to make excuses because your problem is not external. Your problem isn't your looks or your personality either, it's all just how you view yourself. Read some books on self-confidence, and feel free to send me a message if you want, I don't mind giving advice on this. I share the same problems you do, even though I have many reasons to be happy.

[chesspain]

[ QUOTE ]

I take no meds now. I use to be an alcoholic but quit recently.


[/ QUOTE ]

inneedmoneybad,

Congratulations on taking the first step towards getting better, which was giving up alcohol. Of course, you still are an alcoholic, but at least you're sober now. Given how uncomfortable you are in social situations, it would not surprise me if you used alcohol to try to try self-medicate your own anxiety and/or depression.


As a clinical psychologist, I recommend that you:

-Begin attending A.A. meetings daily...and find a sponsor in A.A.
-Try to get a referral to a psychologist from a friend or relative...if there is no one who can help you, then look in the yellow pages--it's better than nothing. The psychologist you begin seeing can help you to figure out whether you need a referral for a medication consult.
-Try to remember that life will initially seem much more difficult without alcohol, at least until you learn the skills to manage socially and to magage your own mood states

Good luck to you!

[Al Schoonmaker]

You wrote: " I use to be an alcoholic but quit recently.
What kind of meds do I need?"
Chesspain is a clinical psychologist, while I am not. I urge you to take his reply much more seriously than you take mine.
However, I must make two additional points.
First, the phrase "I used to be an alcoholic" is incorrect. If you were an alcoholic, you are still one, and you will always be one. The fact that you have been sober a short time most definitely does not mean that you're cured. Alcoholics are NEVER cured. They relapse frequently, often after years of sobriety. I am NOT saying you're an alcoholic. It would be irresponsible for me to make a diagnosis. However, if you are one, you should plan on attending AA meetings indefinitely. You will need treatment for the rest of your life.
Second, no responsible professional will tell you what meds to take without thoroughly examining you. If anyone recommends any meds without a thorough examination, he is a quack and should be avoided. I am VERY serious.
Everyone with medical or psychological training is appalled and frightened by the ease of acquiring powerful drugs through the internet. Any drug that is powerful enough to help you is potentially dangerous, and no sane person takes drugs without a prescription from a responsible, well trained professional. If you take meds just because some irresponsible person recommends them, you are taking a crazy risk.
You clearly need much better help than you can get from this forum. Get it ASAP. Your mental health and perhaps your entire life are at stake.
Regards,
Al

[Anadrol 50]

It sounds like you are just depressed. It is good that you quit alcohol. I am no where near a psychologist or qualifiwed to give you advice......but when I am feeling low I like to have sex with an old girlfriend. Even if you dont have one to call, go get an erotic massage. Believe me, you will feel much better. All the psychological types will probably slam me for this but it will work.

Good luck and feel better !

[ineedmoneybad]

Thanks for the help.
Didnt go to the christmas gathering, just didnt feel confident enough

to go. I had to lie to the family and say I was sick again. Im 23 and a below average looking guy. Is this the main reason

everyone hates and avoids me? The way people stare at me sometimes I

get the message Im hated. Not an evil stare, just a rude blank

stare for no reason. I guess the thing I need to do is go to a psychologist out of the yellow pages. Im confused whats the difference between a counseler, therapist, psychiatrist, or psychologist? are they all the same or is there a specific one I need?

[MrBlini]

Psychiatrists are medical doctors. In most states, psychiatrists can prescribe medications but psychologists cannot. Psychiatrists are often qualified to offer many of the same services as psychologists, including therapy, but do not perform psychological testing.

Psychologists have PhD doctorates in psychology. Unlike psychiatrists, they can administer psychological tests. Psychologists are familiar with a wide range of therapies, and should know when to refer a patient to a psychiatrist for medical needs.

Counselors and therapists typically have more limited training.

My own experience is that a psychologist can be a very good person to start with. The most important thing is to choose someone you feel very comfortable talking with.

[chesspain]

MrBlini has given you a very good explanation of the differences among psychologists, psychiatrists, and "counselors." Of course as a psychologist, I agree that a psychologist would be the best person with whom to begin /images/graemlins/smile.gif.

In all seriousness, let yourself take the step to make an appointment. You may well feel awkward during the initial visit, but try not to use that as an excuse to yourself to not continue. Given what sounds like your faily significant social anxiety and/or possible paranoia, I would assume that you will also be receiving a referral to a psychiatrist for a medication consult, since therapy + meds is usually more effective than one or the other alone.

In addition, please refrain from further using alcohol or any recreational drugs.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[pretender2k]

I have used alcohol quite heavily myself in the past for many resons that were quite the same overall.

I would suggest asking a doctor about Paxil it helped me initially and then I got off of it withing a year.

Another thing that helped me was finding a good AA group. This can be an extremely scary experience the first time and I was lucky enough to find a couple of old friend there already but it really helped because I met people that were nice people that I could identify with that had been further down than me(jail etc.).

Beyond that I have one piece of advice as an entrepeneur.

"When you feel the warmth of the herd, you are in the wrong place" There are many people that are just meant to do more with their life and if you read their stories many of them have been where you are and I have been. It may just mean you are meant to do something great. Still seek medical advice as it may find a real problem just question what they find to make sure.

[Anadrol 50]

Before you waste big money on a shrink, follow my suggestion......

Also if you used to be into drinking, you should try out AA. You are definitely a strong person or you would have resorted back to drinking in this hard time.

[webiggy]

This is a very sad post to me. /images/graemlins/frown.gif I can relate to your feelings, althogh I'm not an alcoholic, but was raised in a family full of them. I was a heavy drug user in high school, but then got off of them and finished college and became a CPA. I know the feelings associated with depression and a lack of self-confidence, particularly in my career as my family history never prepared me for the interactions with "normal" people. The only difference is that I believe people like me and also that I believe I'm an average looking guy, although I was never real comfortable with women. How I was able to find a wife is beyond me.

Anyway, this isn't about me - it's about you. I agree with most the posters here. Try to find a therapist, perhaps one that specializes in Marriage, Family, Child Counselling (MFCC). Just talking to someone will help you tremendously. Your therapist can provide you with some interpersonal coaching that might help. You also might want to talk to your doctor. Get some blood work done and share your depression symptoms with him/her. I personally have been taking Celexa which is supposed to help release blocked serritonin (sp?) in the brain (your happr brain stuff). Sometimes, this is useful as a lack of this stuff can inhibit the progress necessary to help you to deal with your issues.

I might also suggest you find something that can help you with your self esteem. Try working out, community service, a fulfilling hobby (not gambling, as if you have an addictive personality, it may become a replacement for booze). Actually working out may be a great way as exercise often releases endorphines which help to relieve stress. You'll feel better, sleep better, eat better and probably look better.

I think what I'm trying to say is that don't focus on one thing. Rather, look for a variety of ways to change your lifestyle so you don't focus too much on your "problems" while you are constructively dealing with them.

Good luck and no, everybody doesn't hate you. Love and respect yourself and everybody else will fall in line. /images/graemlins/smile.gif

Iggy