"Funny's" Heard in the Poker Room

[FeliciaLee]

We've all heard funny things in the poker room. I have often said I was going to write them down, so that I could post them later. Unfortunately, I am concentrating too hard on the game at hand, and end up forgetting most of them.

There are, however, a few funny comments that I can never forget. I thought you might enjoy them, and add to them.
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1) One night at the Belle I won $100 in the 10/20 hourly drawing. The dealer who takes over the floor after midnight is from somewhere in the Middle East. He has an accent and sometimes things come out that make us laugh.

When he drew my name from the drum, he announced to the poker room, "Fellatio, Fellatio, you won the drawing!"

Everyone was attempting to stifle a laugh. I yelled out, "My name is not Fellatio, but thank you for thinking so highly of me." The poker room cracked up. Someone said, "Can I win the next drawing? My name is Cunnilingus."

2) One Saturday in the 10/20 game, I was forced into the ten seat upon arriving at the cardroom. The dealer, a female, asked me if I'd gotten a doctor yet in Arizona. I told her that I hadn't needed one yet, but I would have to eventually pick a doctor. She pointed to "doc" in the three seat and said he was a good doctor in Kingman, AZ, and was probably in my health plan. I asked what sort of a doctor he was. She said he was a general doctor, but also did some obstetrics. She said he'd delivered her baby. My eyes bugged out of my head and I said, "It must be very awkward to deal to him!" She answered, "Well, at first it was, but then every time he came to play I would just say, 'Doc, can you scoot closer to the edge of the table?'"

I cracked up so hard after that one, that I had to take a break from playing. Of course, the men at the table didn't get it. If you don't get it, ask your wife.

3) The other night in the poker room, the blind was raised. Both the raiser and the big blind were locals. The big blind said, "Sure, raise my blind!" The raiser chuckled. When it was his turn to act, the big blind defended, saying, "That's okay, I don't go down easily." I said, "That's what all the girls say." I don't think he got it, but the guy next to me almost fell off of his chair laughing so hard.
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I can't think of anymore right now, but I would love to hear some other funny stories from everyone else. Post them, please! /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[iplaypoker]

Every once and a while at party we'll tell new jokes that we've heard. Here are the top three.

3.Q: What does Michael Jackson and K-mart have in common?
A: They both have little boys pants half off

2.Q: What did the lady on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my son.

drum roll please

1.Q: What did the def, blind, paralized little boy get for christmas?

A: Cancer.

[Greg (FossilMan)]

I've posted this before, and it's still my favorite. A guy a know comes up to me in the poker to tell his bad beat story.

"The flop comes 6, 4, rag."

He never finished the story I was laughing so hard.

Later, Greg Raymer (FossilMan)

[FeliciaLee]

[ QUOTE ]
I've posted this before, and it's still my favorite. A guy a know comes up to me in the poker to tell his bad beat story.

"The flop comes 6, 4, rag."

He never finished the story I was laughing so hard.

Later, Greg Raymer (FossilMan)

[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah, I remember reading that one, Greg. I was LOL, because people do that ALL the time!

I get so sick of hearing all of Glenn's bad beat stories that one day at the poker room I told him, "That's IT! From now on, any time you want to tell me a bad beat story, you have to pay me $5." The guy sitting next to me said, "Wow, that's a bargain." He picked up two reds and said, "I'll pay you $10 if you'll listen to mine!"

Hehe! /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Rocco17]

I was playing some low limit HE at Foxwoods and a guy who was very friendly and a little buzzed was simply taking a beating. After his 2nd trip to the ATM he sat down and said "I'm on tilt everyone, I'm about to pull out some Lee Jones moves on you guys." We all had a good laugh and then he and I got heads up in a big pot and his Broadway straight got beat by my quad Aces. This guy just couldn't catch a break but he was a good sport about it. <font color="orange"> </font> <font color="orange"> </font> <font color="orange"> </font>

[morgant]

I also was playing at foxwoods late at night and very drunk kid who was playing rather decent despite his condition just took two or three bad beats in a row. Someone make a joke about his steaming... he says "forget steaming i am on the kelvin scale now!" maybe you had to be there but the table went into hysterics

[JTrout]

I was at the Grand in Tunica last year, and there was this young kid, very drunk, and I assumed also raging on steroids. Anyway, he was taking out his anger on this Asian guy, and it was getting ugly. The floor was called, but before they got to the table, he turned his anger onto another fellow- a farmer, redneck type gentleman who hadn't said a word. Well, the redneck, stands up to the kid, gets right in his face, and says in a slow drawl, "Boy, don't make me kill again."

[onegymrat]

Commerce, CA. I was in the BB and the action was folded to the button who open-raised. SB and I were both stuck a bit and have not been getting very playable hands. SB looked and saw 3-2 offsuit, showed me his cards while I showed him my 10-4 offsuit. I then exclaimed, "Good thing you didn't call, I had you!" We laughed for at least a minute after we mucked our hands. Okay...you had to be there.

[baggins]

Greg, that's the funniest thing i've read in a LOOOONG time. i'm still laughing...

[slavic]

Muckleshoot 10/20 we are 6 handed.

UTG open raises, folds to the CO who 3 bets, Button cold calls, blinds fold, UTG 4 bets, all call

Flop: is raggy and unimaginative

UTG bets, CO raises, Button cold calls, UTG 3 bets, CO caps, Button cold calls

Turn: unimpressive

same action

River: 2

UTG bets, CO raises, Button calls, UTG calls

At the the showdown UTG tables his K's out of order, CO shows his A's and Button flips up his ducks.

His Quote: "You guys sure made it hard to play that hand, with all that raising and stuff."

[chesspain]

During my first trip to Foxwoods, I was playing at a 2/4 table that was getting looser and easier as the evening wore on. The man to my left was drinking bourban, seeing 90% of the flops, and winning huge (fortunately, very little of it was my money).

As is inevitable, his luck turned, and he begun to lose, with a fair amount coming my way. In one hand, I believe I had AK, raised PF, and hit either a K or A on an otherwise raggedy board. Checked to me and I bet, he and a few others called. A rag fell on the turn, I bet, only he called. Finally, another rag came on the river; I bet and he called.

I flip over my TP, and he then holds up his cards so that only I could see them, as if he wanted me to read them to him. He had Qxo (with no pair or obvious draw).

Without meaning to be rude, I blurted out "You...pretty much have nothing." He shrugged and laughed, while the dealer and a few other players chuckled. He continued drinking, losing, and having a great time. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[spike]

In a tournament recently a hand was heads up and player A made a big bet setting player B all-in.

Player B thought and thought and thought... eventually another player said "Come on! You know what he's got!"

"Yes" replied player B, "I know what he's got. But I don't think he has."

[Bob T.]

Telling poker stories in the breakroom at work.

One of the guys starts out his omaha/8 story, 'I had 2-5-5-5,' and he was immediately interrupted with, 'and this isn't the end of the story?'

[baggins]

[James Boston]

The other night I was playing 4-8 at The Grand. I got to see a flop for free w/ 35o in the BB. The flop gave me 46x. I had the pot odds and caught a 2 on the river. The drunk I was heads-up with got pretty angry. The guy to my left leaned over to me and said, "Keep winning and you'll get plenty of free lessons." I had to keep my laughter to myself.

[youtalkfunny]

Omaha player walks in, puts his name on the list. The brush asks him, "Would you like to play hold'em while you wait?", and indicates the hold'em game, which is full of old, mirthless, scowling, silent, arms-folded-type people.

"Hell no, I don't want to play in *that* game! It looks like 'The Last Supper' over there!"

[scrub]

5/10 split stud declare home game. Pretty wild. Two low looking boards jam at each other the whole way with a paired high board along for the ride. River gets capped four ways. Paired board goes high. Two lowish boards both go low. Usually extremely tight player is first to speak, disgustedly says "damnitt, you win--I've got a king low." Loose maniac looks triumphant. Says aggressively "King what?"

Maybe you had to be there...:)

[Baltiman]

I was playing a pot limit holdem cash game, and one guy whom we call ‘the pro’ was there with one of his buddies. The buddy got involved heads up in a pot. The flop was J 7 3. He called all the way and showed a pair of tens at the end. He lost to AJ. ‘The pro’ berated his buddy saying “you should have read the chapter on overpairs”.
Anyway, 'the pro' won steadily over the next two hours, all the time telling people where they were going wrong. He had about two grand in from of him. Then he got it all in pre-flop against a really quiet guy. ‘The pro’ had KK and the quiet guy had AA. The aces stood up. As the quiet guy raked in the pot, he said slowly “you should have read the chapter on overpairs”!
The table exploded.

[Easy E]

Is this yours? It sounds like something I just read in Doyle's book (unless I was confusing this for that)

[JTrout]

[ QUOTE ]
Is this yours? It sounds like something I just read in Doyle's book (unless I was confusing this for that)

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, I witnessed this. I think I have posted on here before, however. And I have no way of knowing if the fellow that I heard say it stole it from Doyle, or someone else. But it sure caught the kid by surprise. He left the room immediately, but came back 15 minutes later to get a comp! Gave the table a hard /images/graemlins/mad.gif look, but said nothing.

[JasonM]

A friend of mine who works at the local card barn got play-listed. They send him to the 2/4 game. Sick of taking sick beats with pocket Aces he says
"If I flip these face up will you all fold?"
Nobody says anything so he flipped them face up and raised, four people call. Flop is a bunch of crap, he bets and two players call. Turn is crap, he bets again and they call again. River is crap, he says
"Well apparently you guys can beat pocket Aces so I check."
Both players fold.
This may be the funniest thing I have ever seen in poker.

Another time we were playing, this may be a story where you kind of need to know the guy, one of the players asked the dealer, "how do you do it?" referring to miraculous bricks that somehow makes someones hand that this particular dealer frequently puts on the board. The dealer stands up and starts moving his hips back and forth and says
"D-O-G-G-I-E S-T-Y-L-E"
The entire table erupted, I had to take a break because I couldn't see the cards with the tears in my eyes.

[chesspain]

[ QUOTE ]

When he drew my name from the drum, he announced to the poker room, "Fellatio, Fellatio, you won the drawing!"

Everyone was attempting to stifle a laugh. I yelled out, "My name is not Fellatio, but thank you for thinking so highly of me." The poker room cracked up.

[/ QUOTE ]

Hey...any woman who responds to a broadcast plea for "Fellatio!" is O.K. in my book /images/graemlins/wink.gif