JimRivett
10-10-2003, 01:42 PM
I've played with a number of lawyers over the years and a conversation I had with one the other day reminded me of some of the funny or amusing things they say.
The most recent was when I playing with a public defender, he works for the Los Angeles County. I asked him if, because of the buget problems that California and its countys were having, if his office had experienced any cut backs. His replay was "No they can't fire us it's in the constitution!"
This next story involves an attorney who practices family law and who is ALWAYS conducting business at the table via the phone. I've played with this gentleman so much that I could probably pass the bar. Anyway I'm in seat 7, he is seat 8 and another player is in seat 9, of course our friend is on the phone talking business, and out of the hand. I'm not sure exactly how many players were in the hand but I thought the action was to me and I check, seat 9 checks, then there appears to be a bet before me which causes seat 9 and myself to question "What's going on", no one is upset we were of the opinion that the action was checked around, just normal table dialog. Well in the middle of all of this, our attorney puts his hand over the phone and says, "Do you mind, I'm talking on the phone here!"
This story also involves a hand played a few years ago at Crystal Park. Crystal Park is located in Compton and has (had?) a number of Africian American players playing there. An attorney who practices family law (different than the gentleman mentioned above) was in the hand, and played it very aggressively, and won the pot, as the dealer was pushing him the pot, he was being congratulated by some of the black players. His response was "I'm the white Johnny Cockran".
The last story involves a hand between a gentleman who works for LA District Attorney's office and another player. The other player raises the DA's big blind, the flop comes King, something, something, the action goes check, bet, call. The turn is something, action is check and as the other player is putting in his turn bet, he says, "I flopped a set". The DA mucks, another player says why did you tell him that and the DA interrupts by saying "Because I am a prosecutor!"
anatta
10-10-2003, 05:13 PM
My first court appearance as a lawyer. Crowded calander, full court. Judge wants to us in chambers. I lead the way, and I open the door. After I turn around, the Judge says, "That's my closet. Counsel, if your finished checking on my coat, follow me."
My second court appearance. It was a bankruptcy and the Judge asked me, "Counsel, is this a "Preconfirmation Modification" or a "Modification Prior to Confirmation"? Man, I figured I was getting even money, I'd just wing it.
"A Modification Prior to Confirmation, Your Honor", with much confidence. Strong means weak. She looks at the Trustee. "Its a Preconfirmation Modification". Little [censored].
youtalkfunny
10-11-2003, 08:21 AM
I posted this on another website last spring. I only put it here because I thought you "Law and Order" types might like it. If that's a mistaken assumption, I apologize in advance. But I got an objection sustained, and I want the world to know it!
///
It didn't look like any trial you've seen on TV. The prosecutor was standing by the bench, and he called me up. So you've got the prosecutor, the cop, and me, all standing right in front of the bench. That's how every trial of the day had been conducted. I've got several pages of notes typed up, and now I've got no table to spread them on. The people sitting in the courtroom couldn't hear a word of it, so they didn't even bother to pay attention. Oh well, on we go...
The judge was pretty pissed when told that the next case would be about a speeding ticket. He had a Little League game that he was late for, and he immediately scowled at me when it became clear that I was intent on going to trial. He looked back at his docket, and grimaced at all the cases he still had to resolve before he could call it a day.
So I took a chance. "Defense motions for dismissal, in consideration of the docket." That drew some grins. "I wish I could," said the judge.
The police officer and I were sworn in. The prosecutor asked me if I would stipulate that this officer actually works as a policeman in the town of Horn Lake. Then the questions began:
"Were you working on the morning of April 6? What time did you start your shift? What time did you finish? Did you come into contact with the Defendant, Mr C? Tell us what happened."
The young cop was caught off-guard by that last question. Up to this point, he kept nodding and answering simple questions. Now, he was confronted with a full-blown "essay question", and he wasn't ready for it. I wouldn't be surprised if this was his first experience as a witness in a trial; he was that green.
DA: Tell us what happened.
COP: (puzzled) huh?
DA: What did you see Mr C do? (This was probably a leading question that I could object to, but I didn't see the point of bothering.)
COP: I saw him driving down the street...
DA: What street?
COP: I saw him driving down Church Road. I activated the radar. It said 61. I locked in the radar, pulled him over, and gave him a ticket.
The DA then asked if the officer had checked the calibration of his radar beforehand that night. Yes, several times, came the reply. Did you check it again after this reading? Yes, at the end of my shift. Was your radar unit functioning properly that night? Yes, it was fine, no problems.
No further questions. Mr C, you can ask Officer D questions about that night. DO NOT testify as to what your version of the events is. You can do that later if you like, but let me very clear, you are not required to. Do you understand?
Sure thing, judgy-wudgy.
ME: (reading from my script; almost all of my questions were scripted, and read in court) Officer, D, is it important that the radar be accurate?
JUDGE: (laughs. The judge is in a better mood now. He just found out that it's pouring rain outside, so he's not missing any Little League time.)
COP: Yeah.
ME: You testified that you checked the calibration of your radar instrument with tuning forks. Did you make a record of these test in the logbook?
COP: (puzzled) No.
ME: (this wasn't in the script) Your department doesn't keep a logbook of these tests?
COP: No.
ME: (flabbergasted) There's no paper trail? No documentation whatever of these tests?
COP: Nope. Every now and then, the sergeant gets on the radio, and reminds us to test our radar.
I'm heartbroken. My entire case was supposed to be, "Oh, you didn't bring that paperwork, eh? That's my ticket outta here!" But in this case, there was no paperwork to bring! Dammit! NOW what do I do?
Well, I was prepared to continue on the off-chance that he DID bring that paperwork, so continue I must.
ME: Officer, the tuning forks, are they specific to the radar unit, or will any other tuning fork, say one I can buy in a music store, work?
(I figured that if they laughed at the first question, they'd laugh at this one too. But no one was laughing, because the cop DIDN'T KNOW THE ANSWER!)
COP: I'm not sure. I don't know.
Oh my goodness, I thought. He really doesn't know the first thing about this equipment. Gee, officer, I hate to do this to you, really, I had no intention of doing this to you, but I see the dismissal I want just a motion away...
ME: Your Honor, the defense motions for dismissal. In order for a radar reading to be admissible, the operator of that radar unit must be competent, and clearly, this young man is not, if he thinks that maybe you can use any old tuning fork that you find laying around to check the calibration of a radar gun.
The judge said he will not hear any motions for dismissal until the end. This issue goes to the weight of the evidence, and it *will* be considered, but there will be no dismissal motions considered at this time.
I'm thinking I probably just won. But the fight hasn't been stopped yet, so I've got to keep punching:
ME: (back to the script) If the tuning fork is damaged, bent, broken, cracked, or exposed to excessive heat, is it likely then that the tuning fork is as accurate as when it came from the factory?
COP: (visibly relieved to hear an easy question) I'd guess not.
ME: For the check with the tuning forks to be accurate, is it important that the tuning forks themselves be accurate?
COP: I'd guess so.
ME: Are you certified to check and calibrate these tuning forks?
COP: (confused again) No, the fork calibrates the radar...
ME: No, not the radar, the forks themselves. Do you have any training, to check the calibration of the forks themselves?
COP: (understands now) No.
ME: Do you have the equipment necessary to calibrate these forks?
COP: No.
ME: Officer, please present to the court documentation from a certified facility that checks these tuning forks that they have been checked and found accurate within a reasonable period of time prior to the date of the arrest.
DA: Objection! Uh, NO!
(That's an objection? "Uh, NO!"?)
The DA elaborated a little. He was saying something about the officer not being an expert witness on the scientific principles of tuning forks. When he paused for a breath, I jumped in:
ME: Your Honor, if tuning forks are used to check the radar, then the forks themselves must be proven to be accurate, or those tests are of no value. For all we know, the Horn Lake Police Department has been using the same tuning forks since 1902, and they're held together with Scotch Tape and Band-Aids.
At that point, an amazing thing happened. Everybody in the courtroom laughed. Even the judge, but that's not the amazing part. It was this laughter that made me realize that this was the first case, ALL DAY, that the people in the courtroom were paying any attention to. The four or five cops sitting to the side, who had been milling around waiting for their cases to come up, were all pressed up against the rail, watching this trial. I looked around the room for the first time (remember, I'm standing at the bench, which means everybody except the judge is behind me), and everybody is smiling at the "scotch tape and bandaids" line. They're also sitting on the edge of their seats, leaning forward, trying to catch every word of this trial!
JUDGE: I don't think we need to worry about 1902. There was no radar then. There was no ELECTRICITY then.
Cool, the judge is cool with all this. The judge mentions to a clerk that Little League got rained out, "But that's OK, I'm enjoying this." He spent the rest of the trial sitting back, much more relaxed, almost like a spectator.
I again motion to dismiss, as the prosecution's inability to produce documentation as to the forks' accuracy renders the radar reading inadmissible. Once again, the judge tells me that he will not consider any dismissal motions until the end. I get the feeling this time around that I didn't score any points. The outcome of this thing may still be in doubt.
I only have a few more questions:
ME: What does the manual for the radar gun you used that day say about the condition of the tuning forks, or any caution as to the handling of the tuning forks?
COP: I don't recall.
ME: Does the manual state in any way that the tuning forks can be dropped, cracked, bent, or exposed to excessive heat without need for re-calibration?
COP: I don't recall.
ME: Does the manual state that no matter what condition the tuning forks are in that they will always be accurate, irrelevant of abuse, cracking, bending, exposure to excessive heat, and so on?
COP: I don't recall.
ME: Your Honor, I have no further questions for this witness.
DA: (Begins his re-direct quickly, like someone who has to plug a bunch of holes in a leaky boat.) Was the tuning fork you used that night cracked?
COP: (Much more relaxed now that there will be no trick questions from the DA) No, it was not.
(I kinda tuned out here for a sec. My brain was swimming in all this stuff. I remember seeing the officer pantomime smacking a tuning fork on the dash board, and holding it up to an imaginary radar unit.)
DA: It was working fine?
COP: Yeah.
ME: Objection! The officer has testified that he is not an expert in the calibration of tuning forks.
JUDGE: (the look on the judge's face at this point is absolutely priceless. He is impressed. He nods, slowly at first, then a little faster...) Sustained!
DA: But is wasn't bent, or cracked, or scratched? Or scotch-taped?
COP: No, it was not.
DA: No more questions. The prosecution rests.
ME: Your Honor, I have one more thing. Re-cross, I guess.
JUDGE: (His shoulders slump.) We don't usually do a re-cross.
ME: Just one point that the officer just made, that I feel I need to rebutt.
JUDGE: (shrugging slightly) Very well, go ahead, why not?
ME: (no script for this one. I'm winging it, but confidently) Officer, you said that the forks were not visibly bent or scratched. Are you even aware that these things, when struck, send out millions of wavelengths per second? And that if they're off by even TEN wavelengths per second, that they're useless? Are you even aware that they can be inaccurate without being VISIBLY damaged?
The cop didn't answer. He just stared blankly at me. That was OK with me. I made my point.
ME: No further questions.
DA: Your Honor, the prosecution rests.
ME: Defense rests, your honor.
The judge let out a frustrated little laugh. I think he wanted to explain the procedure, about my having the right to testify, but not any obligation to do so. But since I rested, I guess he may have decided to let it go.
(Now, as I proof-read this, it dawns on me that NOW would've been a good time to make those dismissal motions, but by resting, I lost the chance. Dumb-ass!)
The judge said that the Rules of Evidence had recently changed in Mississippi, and then started talking legal-ese that I couldn't understand. He mentioned some case that had been overturned. The prosecutor was surprised to hear that case had been overturned. He and the judge agreed that that particular case had always governed cases like mine.
JUDGE: But now that that's been over-turned, I really don't know how we're going to rule on this matter of the tuning forks. I really don't know...however, ...
And I could tell by the tone of his voice in that "however", that he was going to rule in my favor. I knew it. I had a closing argument ready, but as soon as I heard that "however", all I could think was, "Keep your mouth shut, Bobby Boy! Don't do anything to blow this, it's YOURS!"
JUDGE: ...however, I'm going to dismiss the charge in this case. Mostly because (he looked at me) it was so artfully argued. I really enjoyed it."
ME: Thank you, Your Honor.
JUDGE: But only one thing saved you. If that officer had once said, "Based on my training and experience, I visibly estimated the car's speed, and I believe the defendant was exceeding the speed limit," there would've been a different ruling in this case. But he never said that, because YOU (points to the DA) never asked him that. You let him side-track you with all this other stuff. (turns to me) What do you do for a living? Do you practice law?
(That's pretty funny. Every question I asked in this proceeding was read from a script.)
ME: No, sir. I deal cards in Tunica. In fact (looking at my watch), I've got to be at work in 55 minutes.
JUDGE: (pointing at my typed-up notes) You know, you've spent more time on this than any speeding ticket could POSSIBLY be worth. Case dismissed. Good job.
ME: Thank you, Your Honor.
I turned to walk out. As I walked up that aisle, all eyes in the courtroom were on me. Everybody was smiling. People whispered "Good job!" and "Nice going!" Really, they said that. One guy even turned and said, "Hey, come back here and represent ME!"
The DA called me back to the bench, to sign a form. It never dawned on me that he might be bitter about losing, until he said, "Don't look so cocky. He ALWAYS dismisses this late in the day, because he wants to go home."
It wasn't until bedtime that it dawned on me that "artfully" does not refer to "artistic", but more along the lines of "The Artful Dodger."
Bobby
(Ironically, I was stuck in court so long, I had to violate several traffic laws to get to work on time.
Oh yeah, when I got to work, I dealt a bad-beat jackpot, and took home about $1100 in tokes!
Mark the calender: I had one helluva day.)
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