Motion: Serious poker-players have no sense of humour. Discuss.

[Mike Haven]

[Homer]

I'm a serious poker player, and as such have no time to take part in such a silly thread.

-- Homer

[pufferfish]

What’s to discuss? It is true.

TC,
pf

[pufferfish]

I changed my mind. Yes they do but it’s really kinky and/or obscure.

TC,
pf

[Zeno]

Have you never read any of my posts?

-Zeno

[Mike Haven]

Motion approved.

Thank you for the conclusive evidence, Homer.

I had half-wondered who it would be.

[Mike Haven]

But, before I go, a tester - if you don't wet yourself reading this you may go back to your game and never bother resurfacing:

Chili Judge

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled—it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma?


Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

[Wake up CALL]

This tastless /images/graemlins/smile.gif chili post is proof of your hypothesis.

[FireMantis]

Hmmmm... maybe there's a reason they don't seem to have any sense of humor.

I must emphasize "they" because I am not a serious poker player. I'm just a goofball that occasionally catches cards.

When I play poker in a B&M establishment, I am usually about one drink from vomiting on the felt. Being drunk, of course, makes me think I'm the funniest guy at the table. The "serious poker player" has been drinking coffee all night and will inevitably become irritated by my antics. They are doubly irritated when I catch a river flush with my 92 suited and take a pot from them.

Eventually I will get a laugh out of them by losing all of my money on one hand and starting to cry while cursing the dealer with an ad-libbed voodoo hex. When I stand up and they see that I've wet my pants as well, (I don't trust leaving my chips to those vultures while I use the restroom) I can usually get another chuckle out of them.

Do they have a sense of humor? Maybe. But if they do, it seems to be based entirely on the misfortune of people they dislike.

[Mike Haven]

thank you for taking the subject matter seriously - it could be that the thought that i may be correct has flummoxed some of the other readers, and, indeed, may have upset a few - i would imagine that a number of partners and children have been surprised today by their mates suggesting going out for a meal, or to the park to play ball

incidentally, there was a recent discussion in another place about the problem of having to relieve oneself during a poker game - it was suggested that a discreet catheter and tube leading to a coke bottle in one's stocking might be an answer - in your case, don't forget to fit it prior to imbibing - otherwise you might feel a bit of a prick as you try to fit it under the table

[skaboomizzy]

That's the wonderful thing about playing online in my apartment! If there's four callers ahead of me and I'm in LP, I can click the "fold" button and take a swift jog to the toilet. Most times I can actually see who caught the river! /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[Al_Capone_Junior]

Great story, even if it's a bit of a stretch to say it's "poker related." Maybe the poker they used to test and see if your lifeless body was dead or not after the chili and beer was close enough to make it "legal" for the forums.

Although some poker players have a great sense of humor, I think so many of them (mostly incorrectly) think they are so damn great that they have no need for niceties or friendliness, which is a real shame. This is particularly common in places where the people are just surly in general, and a bunch of bitchy, older regulars ride their high-horses into the casinos daily. Wait till after 5pm, the drunks and tourists usually show up about then.

Online, it is not so much noticed as often no one says anything at all. In live games, a friendly atmosphere is critical to keeping the suckers loose with their money.

al

[Mike Haven]

i liked your "poker" comment - very funny!

here is a good article (click here) (http://pokeradvantage.tripod.com/1/id12.html)* by steve ruddock that infers the value of being seen to be friendly and humorous at the table - also, by the by, i think his suggestion to reveal bad cards that have "accidentally" won from the big blind is a clever ploy

(* don't bother reading any of the rest of that site - it has no value whatsoever, imo)

[Ed Miller]

Homer J. Simpson
Carpal Tunnel
Reged: 09/02/02
Posts: 3320

I had half-wondered who it would be.

The smart money is always on Homer Jay. /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[Mike Haven]

i'm only glad he had the time to post such a worthwhile and ironically pertinent addition to the thread - it adds value when a carpal tunneller deigns to comment

oh

i've just noticed he has had the time to add a post to every thread

[John Feeney]

Mike,

I just want to support the continued posts of anyone from my ancestral homeland. No one is funnier than we. And no one else actually *exceeds* the designation of UPNI (Ultra Primo Nearly Irish). Thanks Mike. Carry on.

P.S., I know this wasn't that funny, but I have to dumb it down a bit for the unfunny ones, you know?

[JTG51]

It seems that you didn't notice that Homer was joking, which if true is both extremely funny and extremely ironic.

If you did notice and I failed to detect your well hidden sarcasm, I guess the joke is on me.

[Mike Haven]

i'm not the sort of guy who would ever say that the joke is on you

[Duke]

You chose the word serious carefully. You did not say good. You did not say they beat the games for a lot of money. You said they're serious. With that I agree.

I know some excellent players that have a very good sense of humor.

Perhaps you're referring to the grinders who don't tip because they're trying to pay their rent from a 4-8 game.

~D

[Mike Haven]

It has been an interesting discussion - thank you all for taking part - I shouldn't really pick favourites, as no doubt others will feel offended, (quite unnecessarily!), but, I hope we might all be unanimous in agreeing that the comments of Homer and his chum JTG51, particularly, gave us a lot of food for thought.

To wrap it up, perhaps we could all answer the following unbiased Poll, the conclusions from which may well assist Schooie with another of his quite magnificent ongoing series of original articles in "Psychology for Dummies"?



Please be honest when you reply, with yourself, as much as with others. We should see a "bell-shape" appear - the important question is - at which end?

[Mike Haven]

You make a very good point, Duke.

In fact, when I wrote "serious", there was a pun intended.

However, using the word as a starting point, I have to agree that not all serious, (as in "being concerned with the important matters of poker strategy", as against "humourless"), players are necessarily good players. There are certain well-established forum-members in this place that portray the image that they are as academically serious as they come, but then clues in their writings infer to careful readers that in their live games they are certainly long-term losing players. It just so happens that they fit both meanings of the word.

[anunkind]

damn,

i think this means i'm not serious about poker, I couldn't help myself.

anunkind

[Bokonon]

Absolutely none:

http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showthreaded.php?Cat=&Number=342615&page=0&view=co llapsed&sb=5&o=14&vc=1

[Mike Haven]

thank you, bo

fait accompli, je pense

i recognise a few of the names that made me ask the question