I am scared of succeeding

This is pretty hard for me to put out there especially a public place such as the internet, but it is something I have finally decided to face. Ever since I entered school as small child I was always told I was extremely intelligent and mature for my age. I was put in advanced classes because of my test scores and was always complimented by my parents because of this which made me feel good. I was an extremely good student and had straight A’s until 6th grade.

However, when I entered Jr. High I lost any interest I had in my classes and began to devote myself to reading books such as the Catcher in the Rye and playing the game Magic: The Gathering. I posted my first B in the history of my school career in the first quarter of sixth grade and my parents were furious. My dad yelled at me for hours on end about how I would be a failure if I didn’t get my act together. I was so traumatized by his anger that I started to hide report cards from my father.

Starting in High School I approached it with a strong desire to perform well to please my father and get into a prestigious college. I decided to attend a magnet science school which my father consistently told me was above my head. I didn’t believe him but once again my grades were mediocre and this continued until my senior year.

I am now a freshman in college and attend UTPA. I just posted a straight 4.0 which is the reason I am posting this. See I am afraid of succeeding. Whether it is at poker, standardized tests, or even with girls it is hard for me to put my all into something. One example is how I spent all night partying the day before my SAT when I knew fully well I needed a good score. During final exam week I refused to go to study and decided to play poker online straight through the night. I have no idea on where these attempts to sabotage my potential are coming from but I would like for them to stop.

It seems that the conflicts between my father and I are at the root of this problem but I have no idea how to approach this. I don’t fault his motives because of his background. He is a lawyer but grew up in Mexico where he and his 5 brothers and sisters were forced to work in the fields picking crops. He was the only one to graduate high school and he obviously takes education very seriously. He never hit me in these tirades but it was not uncommon for him to verbally call me names.

What I am hoping to accomplish by posting this is trying to uncover a way I can remove this barrier my mind has set for itself. At the risk of sounding extremely arrogant, I am certain I am extremely intelligent but haven’t realized my full potential. I constantly set myself up as to allow myself an excuse as to why I failed at something.

Thank you for your help.

I just noticed my other thread was bumped before posting this. I swear I am not crazy lol.

[Shilly]

So, basically, you didn't put any effort into school, but you got a 4.0? What more can you ask for? You're probably just lazy...but incredibly good at it.

[Alex/Mugaaz]

I'd start by working on that hubris and developing some discipline.

[imitation]

You weren't smart get over it, you were what 11yr olds and you started to suck. That's not smart, not even remotely above average. You probably will work in a shoe factory, as a janitor.

[JackThree]

why are you going to school?

I am going to school to become a lawyer.

[AceofSpades]

Are you really sure you are scared of succeeding?

Is it possible that you are scared of failing when you do everything you can to succeed? That you couldn't accept the pain when your best isn't enough?

So you create self-blocking/destructive patterns and give yourself an excuse so "failure" would not be totally devastating?

.joseph

[ QUOTE ]
Are you really sure you are scared of succeeding?

Is it possible that you are scared of failing when you do everything you can to succeed? That you couldn't accept the pain when your best isn't enough?

So you create self-blocking/destructive patterns and give yourself an excuse so "failure" would not be totally devastating?

.joseph

[/ QUOTE ]

I really like how you worded that ... hmm

first off, everyone and i mean everyone (unless you physically hit, or berated your teacher) got all A's until junior high.
the reason you didn't do as well in middle school is you did the same amount of work, only more was required to maintain the same result.

the reason you went out partying is because your priorities are not straight,
SO IN THE END, you would much rather be in the here and the now, yes you know whats right, and in ur heart u know its wrong to go and party before a big test but the reason you do is although u want to and can "talk the talk" you lack the drive and motivation to "walk the walk"

and on top of that you being afraid of success is delusional horshit, i think you feel you are very smart, but are just plain old LAZY, and u want the easy way out, that is why you play poker, but incase you didnt realise yet, playing poker is no easy way out.

i admire your bravery in posting this one.

[ QUOTE ]
I am going to school to become a lawyer.

[/ QUOTE ]

Why? Are you sure this is what you want to do?

I ask because I am a lawyer, and if I had it to do over again I most certainly would not be. I pretty much hate it.

Why don't you just go the computer/IT route?

I don't think I would be able to live comfortably in the area you suggested and I have been exposed to law all my life. I feel I excel best in areas that don't require extensive mathematics (Cal 2 or whatnot).

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I am going to school to become a lawyer.

[/ QUOTE ]

Why? Are you sure this is what you want to do?

I ask because I am a lawyer, and if I had it to do over again I most certainly would not be. I pretty much hate it.

Why don't you just go the computer/IT route?

[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
I don't think I would be able to live comfortably in the area you suggested and I have been exposed to law all my life. I feel I excel best in areas that don't require extensive mathematics (Cal 2 or whatnot).

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I am going to school to become a lawyer.

[/ QUOTE ]

Why? Are you sure this is what you want to do?

I ask because I am a lawyer, and if I had it to do over again I most certainly would not be. I pretty much hate it.

Why don't you just go the computer/IT route?

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]

I guess if your dad is a lawyer then you have a decent idea of what it's like.

For me, I get paid very well, but I find this comes at the *expense* of living comfortably... meaning, excellent salary, but the stress and the hours, in my mind, are not a great trade-off. I've gained about 15 pounds just in the last year because I don't have enough time to exercise and take care of myself like I always used to prior to my professinal life. I'd rather have a lower paying, less stress, 40 hour week job.

I, too, always thought I was better in the "verbal" area-- reasoning, writing, etc. Thing was, compared to most people, I was good at math also, just not as good when compared to my other areas of strength. I'd much rather be using those kind of skills now, though, to earn my living.

As a matter of fact, my long-range goal is to leave the legal field in a couple years depending on how fast I can build up the 'capital' to do so... even despite all my time already invested in it.

Anyway, this is just one testimonial, for whatever it is worth. Hopefully your dad can hook you up with a cush job if you do go the legal route.

[winky51]

Perhaps you are scared to succeed because when you get to the top there is no where to go but down. Due to your father's reactions when you were younger I feel thats what you expect. That when you do succeed in whatever it is you do that somewhere at the top you will make a mistake and get chastised for it by a parent, lover, friend, public. Are you too hard on yourself when you don't succeed?

Not my place to say but getting a "B" on a report card is a good thing. My parents just told me to graduate even if I got "C"s. Your father just wanted to make sure you were not a loser in life and he pushed a little hard. I think your fear is that you don't want to dissapoint when at the top. If you keep striving for a higher goal and take the small steps there then you can still improve.

As for fixing it, well not sure there. Childhood embedded personality traits are hard to overcome. Maybe your most fullfilling thing you can do in life is to teach others to succeed instead of trying to become something larger than life. Take your problem and refocus it to something else positive like helping others.

When I was young, Kindergarden to 11th grade, I was made fun because of certain physical attributes. I never had real friends till I was in college. Normally that makes someone become anti-social and an introvert. When I hit college I changed the way I looked at life, with a little help from someone else. I instead was now protecting those that were made fun of and selecting good people to be part of my life. "If you didn't like me then FU I don't need you. If you F with my friend you're F'ing with me". I stood up for the underdog, the weaker person, confronted the jackass, and helped those in need. It felt good to help others that I saw in my position when I was young. I becamse the good person I thought all men should be and an extrovert. I took my weakness and turned it into an attribute that made me feel good and gave me confidence.

Take what you fear and help someone else overcome it.

[jjacky]

[ QUOTE ]
first off, everyone and i mean everyone (unless you physically hit, or berated your teacher) got all A's until junior high.
the reason you didn't do as well in middle school is you did the same amount of work, only more was required to maintain the same result.

the reason you went out partying is because your priorities are not straight,
SO IN THE END, you would much rather be in the here and the now, yes you know whats right, and in ur heart u know its wrong to go and party before a big test but the reason you do is although u want to and can "talk the talk" you lack the drive and motivation to "walk the walk"

and on top of that you being afraid of success is delusional horshit, i think you feel you are very smart, but are just plain old LAZY, and u want the easy way out, that is why you play poker, but incase you didnt realise yet, playing poker is no easy way out.

[/ QUOTE ]

i think you are very very wrong (maybe he is lazy, but that's not the problem).

[mindflayer]

This is an interesting and tough topic for me.
I am your father luke.
I have a genius son, and have no idea how to control him
(in ordinary events like eating dinner and picking up his clothes, not study).
He is only 7 years old.. composes music etc and I know I am going to run into a tower of Iron will when he turns 8.

I am not a psychologist so I can only give you my opinion.
I have thought about your actions and you say you are scared of succeeding, but I believe you are NOT. I believe You are scared of failure and have GREAT FEAR that you may NOT be as good as everyone says you are.
Lets say you try your best (study like an animal) and on the SAT's and you do ok, but not great. THIS is your fear.
YOu can't get a bad score because you could be sick and still score pretty good; but by trying your BEST you have to admit to yourself that THIS score is the REAL ME score.
So to keep from ever finding out what the real score is, you can justify a good (but not great) score on the fact that you drank and partied all night before the TEST.
THIS phrase you have repeated to yourself every time someone asks how you did on your SAT. Tell me im wrong...

I have studied geniuses a little and when they hit a really hard problem MOST give up and can't understand (psychologically) why they cannot solve a really difficult problem or do well in a tough subject. They never learned the skill of how to deal with failure, not like your average student who learned (Jeez im lost in this subject) I have to study twice as hard as that Young Gun guy just to get a B! and to be happy with a B.

My 2c advice is for you to realize that NO MATTER how smart you are there are going to be subjects that you will find difficult or even impossible. Then when you hit the wall you can say (geez im lost in this subject) I am going to have to study twice as hard as that Josh Nash guy, just to get a B!
/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[ QUOTE ]
first off, everyone and i mean everyone (unless you physically hit, or berated your teacher) got all A's until junior high.

[/ QUOTE ]
Perhaps you went to a school district where this was the case, but this is not a true statement by any means.

[smoore]

I'm a lazy-ass procrastinator too, I work best under extreme pressure and will blow things off by partying too hard the night before so as not to perform well. One insightful boss I had told me I had a "Fear of completion." He gave me a motivational book that I ignored/procrastinated. Too bad, that.

[westside_eh]

This is a good thread. I'm in a similar boat.

I'm definatly going to put myself in the fear of failure catergory.

I will never commit myself to something unless I have either a significant edge or an excuse for failure.

I cant accept trying my best and still failing. If I am trying and failure becomes probable, I am likely to botch my effort using the excuse that I'm too lazy.

Thinking about this now makes me realize how limiting it is. Any thoughts/advice?