A moral dilemma

[Kirkrrr]

I've run into an unpleasant dilemma lately:

My parents know how much money I make from poker, I have no secrets from them. A few months ago I gave my mother $3,000 so she can do some remodeling on the house. It was a "loan" but I seriously doubt I'll get the money back any time soon and I don't really care. Now, however, she's asking for another $1,200 for new furniture, and I just bought them a new, relatively expensive TV. So I absolutely HATE saying no because I know I can afford it - the sum won't make that huge of a difference to me - but I'm starting to get troubled by this. Know what I mean? I feel bad saying "no," but I don't like the trend.

So I figured quite a few posters on here have been through this already, and can share their thoughts. How did you handle it? How would you?

Kirk

[cdxx]

give them the money. what you gave them is so far is nothing. and one request is nothing to freak out about. this is coming from a guy who basically forced his parents to take $12k so they can make their mortgage payments.

[fluxrad]

Yeah. She went through like 50 bajillion hours of labor to drop your ass out from between her legs. You should probably fork it over.

[Reef]

I really don't know what kind of relationship you've had with your parents in the past .. but if my mom asked, I'd hand it over with no reserve.

[Clarkmeister]

I'll be the first to differ with the first few responses. I think you at least need to sit down with your folks and have a talk. Obviously there are a million variables at play here, but at least on the surface my gut reaction is to have an honest face to face discussion with them. You certainly don't "owe" your mom new furniture on a monthly basis.

[pyroponic]

Hrm..money for remodeling the house, a nice TV, and now furniture? Sounds like these are luxuries, I think you only "owe" them the money if it was for an emergency or something.

[New001]

[ QUOTE ]
I'll be the first to differ with the first few responses. I think you at least need to sit down with your folks and have a talk. Obviously there are a million variables at play here, but at least on the surface my gut reaction is to have an honest face to face discussion with them. You certainly don't "owe" your mom new furniture on a monthly basis.

[/ QUOTE ]
I agree with this entirely. If you don't have some kind of talk now, you'll have to do it later when it'll be much more awkward. If they needed the money for necessities, I'd be much more generous, but it sounds like they're more than just that.

[rusellmj]

Gotta go with Clark on this one. It's really no different than if you had a 9-5 job. Money you earned. Not sure how to put the following. Maybe your parents, or just your mom, view your winnings as some sort of windfall. Like it's free money from the innanet. Nothing wrong with having a discussion.

[Kirkrrr]

[ QUOTE ]
this is coming from a guy who basically forced his parents to take $12k so they can make their mortgage payments.

[/ QUOTE ]

The crux of the problem is that it's not for mortgage payments. If it was for something like that, I would never have a second thought. It's all for "luxuries," as another poster put it, to which there is no end.

But, yeah, sounds like a talk is definitely in order. While sitting down on some brand new furniture. lol

I am also wondering how some of y'all have handled this with your family/loved ones in the past - girlfriends, wives, parents, friends, etc. How do you make 100K+ /year, and still say no when someone close to you asks for $100 that you know you probably won't get back? - I find it very difficult to do.

Kirk

[Clarkmeister]

Do your parents live together still? Do you live with them? What's their employment/income situation? How responsible are they? All of these are relevant factors that determine the tone of your discussion.

That said, based on the limited info available, I'd start with "Mom, I'll give you the $1,200 this time, and you don't have to pay me back for either it or any of the other money you've borrowed, but I can't afford to be constantly put in these situations. I love you, but it's not fair to me, or to you either, really.

[cdxx]

[ QUOTE ]
The crux of the problem is that it's not for mortgage payments. If it was for something like that, I would never have a second thought. It's all for "luxuries," as another poster put it, to which there is no end.

[/ QUOTE ]

understandably, but $1200 is not $12k either. sure, have a talk. it won't hurt, unless one of you starts being rude. i just advise that your tone will be more like "here's the money, but please don't use it on luxuries. use it when you really need it, because i can't support you and this won't be a monthly thing."

of course, i would only bring it up IF and WHEN it actually becomes a monthly thing.

[AlexSem]

My parents have the decency to respect that I make w/e I make and spend it as I like, they never asked me for money.

I pay for my bro when we go shopping and stuff like that and it just doesn't matter to me because to him 200$ is a big deal whereas to me it's an hour worth of poker.


I say just make sure you give people money on your own terms, not on theirs. It should not be "hey I need money". It should be "here I'll take care of that don't worry about it".

That way you're always in control.


In your situation, you can't avoid paying, lol. How to get to a stage where it's on your terms again, I am not sure.

I guess you gotta tell them you feel a bit uncomfortable with the situation or whatever.

[Clarkmeister]

[ QUOTE ]
i would only bring it up IF and WHEN it actually becomes a monthly thing.

[/ QUOTE ]

Sounds like it already has.

[FeliciaLee]

We have to know more about you to answer this effectively. Like are you 19 and a college student, or are you 35 and still living with your parents? Do you pay "rent," or are you living in a 1000 SF finished basement for free? What are your parent's ages and employment situation?

Given one scenario, you are almost required to give them this money. On another, you need to say no and move out or reestablish the boundries you have with your parents.

I helped my Mom out several times in the past. While this would have happened regardless, the money I gave her ended up supporting her drug addiction, and I was eventually forced to cut her off, which pretty much ended our relationship altogether.

So what I'm saying is that we need more info.

[istewart]

I'm sorry, Mama. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleanin' out my closet.

I got some skeletons in my closet and I don't know if no one knows it. So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it,
I'ma expose it. I'll take you back to 73 before I ever had a multi-platinum sellin' CD.
I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months. My [censored] father must have had his panties up in a bunch,
cuz he split. I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye. No, I don't on second thought, I just [censored]' wished he would die.
I look at Hailie and I couldn't picture leavin' her side. Even if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I'd try
to make it work with her at least for Hailie's sake. I maybe made some mistakes but I'm only human. But I'm man enough to face them today.
What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb, but the smartest [censored] I did was take them bullets out of that gun.
Cuz id'a killed 'em, [censored] I would have shot Kim an' him both. It's my life, I'd like to welcome y'all to The Eminem Show.

[tonypaladino]

[ QUOTE ]
I'm sorry, Mama. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleanin' out my closet.

I got some skeletons in my closet and I don't know if no one knows it. So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it,
I'ma expose it. I'll take you back to 73 before I ever had a multi-platinum sellin' CD.
I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months. My [censored] father must have had his panties up in a bunch,
cuz he split. I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye. No, I don't on second thought, I just [censored]' wished he would die.
I look at Hailie and I couldn't picture leavin' her side. Even if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I'd try
to make it work with her at least for Hailie's sake. I maybe made some mistakes but I'm only human. But I'm man enough to face them today.
What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb, but the smartest [censored] I did was take them bullets out of that gun.
Cuz id'a killed 'em, [censored] I would have shot Kim an' him both. It's my life, I'd like to welcome y'all to The Eminem Show.

[/ QUOTE ]

God, I hate you.

[OtisTheMarsupial]

My answer would be, "I'm sorry, I'd rather not right now."
And then if I felt generous I might surprise her with some furniture for her birthday or mother's day.

If she pressured me, which my mother would NEVER DO lucky me, I'd let her know that "I have a responsibility to my self to pay my taxes and my future self fund my retirement and to my current/ future family to care for their needs and that I'm sorry, but new furniture isn't a need, it's a luxury, and would you like to go out to dinner with me on Thursday, Mom? And I love you and did you like your Christmas gift I gave you that I put a lot of thought into?"

[Kirkrrr]

Thanks to everyone that responded. Your posts were very thought-provoking.

I pretty much decided to give her the money but have a talk over her spending habits. That seems to be the best thing to do.

Again, thanks for your responses.
Kirk