useless LC post

[JackThree]

i keep trying to forget about my ex-gf but i can't, so i started taking adderall to make myself feel better. we've been broken up for a few months now, we share a telephone plan though, supposedly i'm her best friend or something. but i hate thinking/talking about/to her because i am somewhat nuts.

all that codependent crap.. i have abandonment/jealousy issues with any of her friends.

i'm also diagnosed bipolar I and adhd. i'm taking 100mg of lamictal and 20mg(atm) of adderall a day, but i generally take more when i'm feeling bad. i think i need more lamictal

i also just went through a 300bb downswing and -10 buyins at nl 50 just after and so my poker-esteem is shot.

i went through all that nutso value system changing crap from 19-20 i was pretty much not a person before that.

everything sucks right now, but it's not as bad as it used to be before i started taking drugs. when i start feeling like this i can't talk to anyone about it, even though i'm generally very open with my friends

i know this is pretty much nothing for some of you guys, but i'm sure you remember your first huge downswing

i'm tired of writing

[chesspain]

shaddix,

I can tell that you are going through a very rough time at the moment. However, I am concerned about a couple of your points:

1) You said that you just started taking Adderal to make yourself feel better, and that you vary your does according to your mood. However, Adderal is a highly controled and highly addictive medication. Are you getting it prescribed (rather than buying it on the street)? And if so, were you not taking it regularly until recently? Assuming that you are getting this by prescription, please make an appointment ASAP with your medical provider to discuss your mood and medications. Both Lamictal and Adderal are rather tricky to dose properly--it often takes good rapport between doctor and patient, along with trial and error experimentation, to figure out the dosing levels at which you should be.

2) You clearly have a number of self-esteem issues hitting you at this time, given the codependency issues, the abandonment issues, your poker doubts, the "I'm trying to cope with my mental illness" struggles, etc. I hope that you are regularly seeing a qualified mental health therapist to help you try to stay grounded and to work through these issues. If not, please talk with your medical provider immediately about giving you a referral. You owe it to yourself to get the help that you need to begin feeling more stable.

Good luck,

chesspain

[SenecaJim]

Your post is not useless, but mine kinda is. But I just felt compelled to comment on what a wonderfully helpful and compassionate response Chesspain made.

Please heed his advice, you'll get none better.

[JackThree]

yeah i have a script for it. I have a therapist, but i'm too embarrassed to tell him about any of my problems so i end up pretending like i'm okay, kind of amusing from an outside perspective i guess

[chesspain]

[ QUOTE ]
I have a therapist, but i'm too embarrassed to tell him about any of my problems so i end up pretending like i'm okay...

[/ QUOTE ]

Unless your therapist is a complete newbie, I guarantee you that he has heard way worse than whatever you can throw at him. /images/graemlins/smirk.gif

Indeed, try not to be embarrassed to discuss your troubles with your therapist. Remember, if all of our patients were completely compliant with all of our directives and consequently got better quickly...we wouldn't have any patients. /images/graemlins/smirk.gif

[J. Stew]

Hi Shaddix, I'll throw in my two cents in hopes it will help. The things that are embarrassing are exactly the things you have to face directly. You can tell yourself that it doesn't bug you that you and your girl broke up, but it really does bug you so you have to deal with it without covering stuff up. The point of having a therapist is just to talk about stuff that doesn't make sense or that is confusing so I think you should just start there and get every little thing that is bugging you off your chest. If the next time you go to your therapist you have no fear about telling him/her every secret/embarrassing thought, I think you will feel at least a little better.

I think it's important to know that everybody has fears and insecurities that they are hiding. One of the problems with covering stuff up is that over time, you become really good at hiding stuff, even from yourself, and it gets to a point where you don't even realize you're being a fake-ass and you end up being confused and depressed. So I would say just be brutally honest with your self and your therapist. Sometimes it's scary to deal with all the fears and insecurities but remember that it is the process of dealing, honestly, with these problems, that builds your character and develops self-esteem in a meaningful way. Not like self-esteem in a "I'm so good and happy" way, but in a way that says yup I confronted my fears and I'm a badass because most people don't do just that.



So three things to consider would be:

1. Be brutally honest with yourself and your therapist
2. Know that everybody has issues and that you are going to deal with them head on, even when they are embarrassing
3. Don't lose your bankroll because you're feeling down.

Hope that helps bro, remember there's no quick fix to your problems, facing your fears is a continual process until you die so it's best to just understand that early and get good at it so you can enjoy life. -Stew

[SheridanCat]

It may not make much difference to you, but I'll say it anyway. You made me laugh on a very crappy yesterday in the "bipolar girlfriend" thread with your "those were the days" post. So, that's someting. /images/graemlins/smile.gif

Talk to your therapist.

Regards,

T

[SenecaJim]

Whoops. I didn't know you were a professional. That does make my post more than "kinda" useless. I thought you were just a regular guy ( not that you're not, you know what I mean).

[JackThree]

[ QUOTE ]
Unless your therapist is a complete newbie, I guarantee you that he has heard way worse than whatever you can throw at him. /images/graemlins/smirk.gif

Indeed, try not to be embarrassed to discuss your troubles with your therapist. Remember, if all of our patients were completely compliant with all of our directives and consequently got better quickly...we wouldn't have any patients. /images/graemlins/smirk.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

thank you for your concern, i appreciate it more than you know, i will make an attempt to talk to him, but i feel like i'm letting him down

[JackThree]

[ QUOTE ]
Hi Shaddix, I'll throw in my two cents in hopes it will help.

[/ QUOTE ]

your two cents helps alot

i'm really surprised with the responses here. i really wasn't expecting people to spend this much energy to help me, so i definately will not put it to waste

thank you

[chesspain]

[ QUOTE ]
3. Try to ween yourself off of drugs, like if you wake up one day and don't feel crappy, don't take a pill. But if you do it, do slowly, just try to break the habit of taking a pill everytime you feel a little bad. There's no need to shock yourself when you're feeling fragile, slow and steady. Disclaimer . . . I'm not a doctor but I've ventured into the drug world on a few occasions so I just speak from experience /images/graemlins/smile.gif.


[/ QUOTE ]

This is extremely dangerous advice. An individual who is Bipolar should not be advised to skip a medication dose, or worse, begin weaning himself off medication without a physician's input.

P.S. I will be editing out the above paragraph from your otherwise thoughtful post after I give those who've already read your post a chance to read my reply here.

[JackThree]

i'm not going to quit the lamictal

lamotrigine + cold turkey = grand mal, not to mention the mixed crying/laughing/screaming fits that will ensue

although i will attempt to stop using the adderall as a quick-fix /images/graemlins/mad.gif

what limit/level do you play chesspain?

i know alot of general information about my meds and my condition and how it technically affects me (adderall + wikipedia = knowledge explosion)