Suggestions for Drug Testing @ Work

[Maulik]

What are some good solutions to reccomend for a friend's company. They are looking to outsource the drug testing, I'm not really sure what his options may be?

We are in Maryland

[craig r]

[ QUOTE ]
What are some good solutions to reccomend for a friend's company. They are looking to outsource the drug testing, I'm not really sure what his options may be?

We are in Maryland

[/ QUOTE ]

Tell the employees at least 30 days ahead of time that they will be randomly drug tested.

craig

[ChipWrecked]

Hair samples. Sock it to those damn hopheads.



/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[Autocratic]

Warn them in advance, then give raises to those who show up positive. Those guys have the balls, you can manage the brains.

[craig r]

I thought of another option. I was recently thinking of opening up a new business. I figure sports betting and poker are going well, so a drug testing company might be nice to add to my portfolio. I would of course like to meet your friend's employees. I will also need samples of all the possible drugs in order to make sure that my new testing method works. But, assure your friend that my methods will revolutionize drug testing.

craig

p.s. I won't need samples of PCP..there is no need to test for that anyways..most users do something too stupid to not know they are on something.

[Maulik]

I shall offer you some heroin my man.

btw- your cocaine responses are brilliant.

[Maulik]

as far as the responses go, I'm specifically looking for companies to outsource the actual drug testing to.

[craig r]

[ QUOTE ]
I shall offer you some heroin my man.

btw- your cocaine responses are brilliant.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah, the heroin might work. I will just have to make sure my new system will detect it well enough. It could take several tests, so I would send a decent sized amount if I were you. My company will reimburse you for the shipping.

Thanks for the compliment by the way. It is a shame that I am only moderately funny when it comes to drugs and not really too funny about anything else. And, as I have learned, drugs are no laughing matter. People get hurt, money is stolen, lies are told, jobs are lost, bosses are carbombed, all your friends leave you, and you end up posting on 2+2 at 11:30 at night. When people ask if it was worth it, I can only answer, "Do you have any coke?" They usually say no and tell me that I can't ask those types of questions at Narcotics Anonymous.

craig

[ QUOTE ]
What are some good solutions to reccomend for a friend's company. They are looking to outsource the drug testing, I'm not really sure what his options may be?

We are in Maryland

[/ QUOTE ]

tell your friend to recommend "Maulik's Drug Testing Lab" and collect pee samples. Then, happily inform the boss that all his employees are drug-free and collect your money.

[craig r]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
What are some good solutions to reccomend for a friend's company. They are looking to outsource the drug testing, I'm not really sure what his options may be?

We are in Maryland

[/ QUOTE ]

tell your friend to recommend "Maulik's Drug Testing Lab" and collect pee samples. Then, happily inform the boss that all his employees are drug-free and collect your money.

[/ QUOTE ]

You sound like a great friend.

craig

[Jeebus]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
What are some good solutions to reccomend for a friend's company. They are looking to outsource the drug testing, I'm not really sure what his options may be?

We are in Maryland

[/ QUOTE ]

tell your friend to recommend "Maulik's Drug Testing Lab" and collect pee samples. Then, happily inform the boss that all his employees are drug-free and collect your money.

[/ QUOTE ]

you forgot the step in the middle where you accept bribes from all the people that have been doing drugs and want to stay in their job. Make double the money while still doing no work.

[eviljeff]

magic 8ball




...wow, when's the last time I posted a useful response in OOT if ever?

[SossMan]

are you looking for a company to do it? try these guys:

http://www.questdiagnostics.com/index.html

[MrMoo]

Quest Diagnostics is nationwide. I just had to take a test through them myself.

[CORed]

[ QUOTE ]
I thought of another option. I was recently thinking of opening up a new business. I figure sports betting and poker are going well, so a drug testing company might be nice to add to my portfolio. I would of course like to meet your friend's employees. I will also need samples of all the possible drugs in order to make sure that my new testing method works. But, assure your friend that my methods will revolutionize drug testing.

craig

p.s. I won't need samples of PCP..there is no need to test for that anyways..most users do something too stupid to not know they are on something.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think as a general rule, using vetrinary anasthetics as recreational drugs is a bad idea. IIRC, ketamine as well as PCP are used as vetrinary anasthetics.

[JonPKibble]

[ QUOTE ]
What are some good solutions to reccomend for a friend's company. They are looking to outsource the drug testing, I'm not really sure what his options may be?

We are in Maryland

[/ QUOTE ]

What kind of drugs?

Caffeine?
Aspartame?
Nicotine?

/images/graemlins/smile.gif

[craig r]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I thought of another option. I was recently thinking of opening up a new business. I figure sports betting and poker are going well, so a drug testing company might be nice to add to my portfolio. I would of course like to meet your friend's employees. I will also need samples of all the possible drugs in order to make sure that my new testing method works. But, assure your friend that my methods will revolutionize drug testing.

craig

p.s. I won't need samples of PCP..there is no need to test for that anyways..most users do something too stupid to not know they are on something.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think as a general rule, using vetrinary anasthetics as recreational drugs is a bad idea. IIRC, ketamine as well as PCP are used as vetrinary anasthetics.

[/ QUOTE ]

I know Ketamine is and it seems that PCP is also an anaesthetic. But, I don't know if it is used by veterinarians. It is not used on humans anymore as an anaesthetic because of its hallucinatory effects. It was used on humans for a few years in the mid 50's and then was stopped. Not only are the hallucinations bad, but it is really addictive causing violent outbursts. Even in the 60's most people did it once and said "the hell with this". I have never heard of anybody taking it when I was in high school (in the early to mid 90's). Well, at least not by itself. Most people would mix it with pot and smoke it. I smoked a joint one time in high school that was dipped in it and it might have been one of the worse experiences I have ever had. I didn't hallucinated, but I was scared out of my mind (and it wasn't like I hadn't done a lot of LSD and Shrooms at the time). My fear seemed to last a long time after the pot had worn off (like 24 hours). I can't imagine what it would have been like in a high dose or taken for long periods of time. I know other drugs can/will cause violence, but this is generally after long periods of time.

craig