Telling a girl you have an STD

Sorry if something similar has been posted before, I'm not really an OOT regular. I was just wondering if anyone here has had experience telling a girl (guy) that he (she) has an STD. I recently found out that that I probably have herpes (apparently the test for this isn't totally reliable, however the [censored] you want to take that). Anyway I figure being up front about this sort of thing is the best course of action but I'm not really sure of what point in a relationship you tell someone about this and how you go about doing it. I'm not dating anyone right now but I worry about how this is going to screw up my future.

If this matters at all...I'm not a terribly promiscuous person. I believe that I contracted it from unprotected oral sex with a girl that I had been seeing for a few months.

[marsvolta619]

Whatever you do, don't wait 9 months into a relationship when shes already fell in love with you. Happened to me and I never forgave her for it(we continued on for another year+ afterwards).

[LethalRose]

how about just date people who have herpes? Otherwise theres not much point dating someone who doesnt have it.

[ QUOTE ]
theres not much point dating someone who doesnt have it.

[/ QUOTE ]

I disagree.

[mason55]

There's dating websites specifically for people who have herpes

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theres not much point dating someone who doesnt have it.

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I disagree.

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WTF?

You have herpes, and you see a point in dating people without herpes? Please, explain your logic to me, because I'm totally confused.

You honestly believe that there's a feeling out there strong enough that a woman would be willing to get HERPES because she wanted to have sex with you? Its HERPES man. We're not talking the clap here. I'd happily put up with the clap to bang certain very hot chicks. But, uh, herpes?

Just chop your pecker off and be done with it.

[Sponger15SB]

[ QUOTE ]
There's dating websites specifically for people who have herpes

[/ QUOTE ]

www.myspace.com (http://www.myspace.com) ?

[KaneKungFu123]

[ QUOTE ]
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theres not much point dating someone who doesnt have it.

[/ QUOTE ]

I disagree.

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Just curious if you also disagreed before you yourself caught herpes, or only after you got them?

[mason55]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
There's dating websites specifically for people who have herpes

[/ QUOTE ]

www.myspace.com (http://www.myspace.com) ?

[/ QUOTE ]


nh sponger

[Guyon]

1) You may contract herpes from oral to genital contact. It is scarily possible.

2) You may be infectious even if you have no outward symptoms, so it is correct for you to tell her the progression of your testing and potential condition.

After that, it's all about suppression!

[Stuey]

[ QUOTE ]
I recently found out that that I probably have herpes (apparently the test for this isn't totally reliable, however the [censored] you want to take that).

[/ QUOTE ]

I want to take that as you have no idea if you have it or not yet so don't freak out yet. And if you do have it you might have a very mild semi dormant type if that is possible but from the little I have read it sounds like it.

Have you had an outbreak? What made you go get tested?

[ QUOTE ]
If this matters at all...I'm not a terribly promiscuous person. I believe that I contracted it from unprotected oral sex with a girl that I had been seeing for a few months.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm not saying this is impossible but I like your chances of getting good news when the results come in. Get retested if the results were not conclusive. gl

[wacki]

http://www.cdc.gov/std/Herpes/STDFact-Herpes.htm#common

Genital HSV-2 infection is more common in women (approximately one out of four women) than in men (almost one out of five). This may be due to male-to-female transmissions being more likely than female-to-male transmission.

Most of them probably don't know it though.

Good luck, and you should be proud of yourself for being honest. Many of the people giving you [censored] in this thread probably have it too. See a shrink for psychological help on dealing with this [censored].

[gmrankin]

You need to find out what type of herpes it is... My ex (was married 5 years) has type 1 - and i don't. See told me when we first started dating... we have been very carefull, but luckly she did not have many outbreaks... about once a year. Don't worry that much about it, do you know how many people -guys and girls - have [censored]?? A LOT. just be honest and careful. I have been tested and i am clean... knock on wood. you drew the short stick and went down on the wrong girl. my ex went down on the wrong guy. it happens. deal. later

[eviljeff]

[ QUOTE ]
There's dating websites specifically for people who have herpes

[/ QUOTE ]

do I sense a crimson challenge?

[Luv2DriveTT]

[ QUOTE ]
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[ QUOTE ]

theres not much point dating someone who doesnt have it.

[/ QUOTE ]
I disagree.

[/ QUOTE ]

WTF?

You have herpes, and you see a point in dating people without herpes? Please, explain your logic to me, because I'm totally confused.

You honestly believe that there's a feeling out there strong enough that a woman would be willing to get HERPES because she wanted to have sex with you? Its HERPES man. We're not talking the clap here. I'd happily put up with the clap to bang certain very hot chicks. But, uh, herpes?

Just chop your pecker off and be done with it.

[/ QUOTE ]

I suggest you read up on Herpes. Its not that serious of a disease, and its not easy to give (or get) if you are careful. And yes, people with Herpes can have unprotected sex and still be careful not to give it to their partner. Education is the key... know when its not OK to have sex and there are no problems.

PS: I know about this because an old roommate of mine had Herpes, I do not have first hand experience.

TT /images/graemlins/club.gif

[ QUOTE ]
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theres not much point dating someone who doesnt have it.

[/ QUOTE ]

I disagree.

[/ QUOTE ]

Just curious if you also disagreed before you yourself caught herpes, or only after you got them?

[/ QUOTE ]

I guess I never thought about it before. But I'd like to think that if I met a girl that I really cared about, and I found out she had it, I'd be able to still be with her. Part of this comes from having done some of my own research and realizing that it's not really a big deal as far as STDs go. It's basically equivalent to having cold sores.

[Skipbidder]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

theres not much point dating someone who doesnt have it.

[/ QUOTE ]
I disagree.

[/ QUOTE ]

WTF?

You have herpes, and you see a point in dating people without herpes? Please, explain your logic to me, because I'm totally confused.

You honestly believe that there's a feeling out there strong enough that a woman would be willing to get HERPES because she wanted to have sex with you? Its HERPES man. We're not talking the clap here. I'd happily put up with the clap to bang certain very hot chicks. But, uh, herpes?

Just chop your pecker off and be done with it.

[/ QUOTE ]

I suggest you read up on Herpes. Its not that serious of a disease, and its not easy to give (or get) if you are careful. And yes, people with Herpes can have unprotected sex and still be careful not to give it to their partner. Education is the key... know when its not OK to have sex and there are no problems.

PS: I know about this because an old roommate of mine had Herpes, I do not have first hand experience.

TT /images/graemlins/club.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

Thank you Captain Wrong.

[man]

wait you can get genital herpes by getting head from girls who also have genital herpes?

and one in four girls have genital herpes?

and the types of girls who would give head to random guys probably are mostly those one-in-four girls?

not saying that I do that, but in general that paints a pretty ugly picture for a lot of people I know.

[Sponger15SB]

Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got herpes from a
tractor.

[Skipbidder]

[ QUOTE ]
Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got herpes from a
tractor.

[/ QUOTE ]

Make sure you do the responsible thing and inform the other tractors you are with.

[smb394]

[ QUOTE ]
Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got herpes from a
tractor.

[/ QUOTE ]

Giving or taking?

[smoore]

Girls with herpes are easy. Welcome to pussyland.

[SackUp]

[ QUOTE ]
Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got herpes from a
tractor.

[/ QUOTE ]

nh. great episode

[Beantown]

http://www.herpes-date.com

Being up front about this is the best thing you can do for you and your girl. I wish the general population was more like you.

I contracted herpes from a guy who I had unprotected sex with, and who didn't tell me ahead of time that he had it. If he had told me ahead of time, I would have had sex with him with a condom (provided that he wasn't having an outbreak, of course).

I told my next three partners that I had herpes. I told them once I felt that they would be discreet about it. I told them when we had enough knowledge of each other that we were intelligent and good people. All three were interested in me for who I was, not for the sexual being that I am. All three slept with me (with condoms).

I was TERRIFIED of telling them. I felt like they would shun me. I was afraid of anyone knowing. The stigma attached to herpes is awful. But it is so unfounded. It's not the end of the world. Life goes on. There are many more important qualities to desire in a partner than worrying about whether or not they have herpes.

My third partner is my current long term partner. We have been together going on three years. We had protected sex for about a year and a half, and have had unprotected sex for the next year and a half. He has never contracted the disease. We are VERY careful. At any inkling of an outbreak, we have no sex. This can mean a day, three days, fourteen days, whatever it takes. (I do pleasure him in other ways during this time. /images/graemlins/grin.gif)

This does not mean that he will never contract it. There is always a chance of transmission, regardless of whether or not an outbreak is occurring. Even with a condom (but that is extremely rare.) But we plan to be together for life, and he is very informed about the risk that he is taking, and he loves me and if he gets it... well then he gets it. Not gonna be the end of his world.

Couple more things about your post and some of the responses:
1) The herpes test is reliable. You need a different doctor.
2) One in four PEOPLE have herpes, not just one in four women. Same for genital warts.
3) Herpes does not just happen to promiscuous people.
4) There are herpes dating sites. This may be for you but it is not the be-all end-all.
5) I would highly recommend searching google and going to some of the herpes support sites. There is a lot of info on how to tell your partner. There is a lot of info about the different types of herpes and the different ways to contract or transmit it.

Best of luck to you.

its gonhorrea jackass

abcdefg you should be proud of that post and not have made it under a throwaway handle

[uw_madtown]

[ QUOTE ]
It's basically equivalent to having cold sores.

[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
wait you can get genital herpes by getting head from girls who also have genital herpes?

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm frequently stunned by how little many people know about STDs.

1) Cold sores are essentially oral herpes*. The herpes simplex virus can be trasmitted through sex (genital to genital), oral sex (oral to genital, or vice versa) and kissing (oral to oral). Go down on someone with genital herpes, and you are at risk for contracting oral herpes -- aka cold sores. If someone with cold sores goes down on someone else, they may give that person genital herpes.

No, someone with genital herpes cannot give someone else genital herpes through oral sex. It doesn't work that way.

2) Don't confuse cold sores with canker sores. Cold sores are lesions on the face near or on the mouth. Canker sores are tiny ulcers inside the mouth which are not contagious, and are most likely heredity, brought on by a variety of things (stress, food allergies, etc). I regularly get canker sores and remember being scared as [censored] when I was about 15 because I thought I somehow got herpes. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif


As for the OP, it's my understanding (no firsthand knowledge) that herpes is a manageable disease if you take proper precautions -- like other people have said, use protection, no sex during an outbreak, etc. It's something your girl should know about before you start with anything physical, though. There's still a risk of contracting it and she may not be invested in the relationship to the point where she's willing to take that risk.


* Note: cold sores and genital herpes are actually two different types of herpes simplex virus, but they can be transmitted either way as described above.

[Landon_McFly]

[ QUOTE ]
Girls with herpes are easy. Welcome to pussyland.

[/ QUOTE ]

LOL 4 real

If I had this disease I would probably kill myself.

http://herpes-coldsores.com/std/herpes_pictures.htm

[HopeydaFish]

Gee, thanks for the link.

[craig r]

How about: "You know how it is really nice to see a commercial about Herpes medicine and you are real happy you aren't one of those people? Well, now you get to experience what it is like to be one of those people with herpes. But, don't worry, you can now run on the beach and do all of the activities just like those people. So, what is for dinner?"

Alright, sorry for being such a smart ass. If you have slept with the person, of course you should tell them. If you haven't slept with the person, but KNOW you are going too, then you should tell them. But, if you really don't know how the relationship is going I really don't know what to tell you. I can only imagine how hard it would be to have something like that and trying to get close (emotionally) and not knowing whether telling her something like that would completely push her away. My guess is that it most likely will for most people. And I am not saying that to be mean or cold; just trying to be honest. Either way, use a condom if you have sex (any kind) with her. But, I wouldn't get seriously involved with her, have sex with her (with or without a condom), and then tell her. You will just have to pick the perfect time, preferably over dinner, when you meet her mom, or are caught peeping in her window (sorry couldn't resist...I really do feel sorry for you, but I like to add humor to tough situations).

craig

[pokerjoker]

SIIHP

Hey OP...

Sucks doesn't it? Don't you wish you could turn back time?? Well i can't give advice... But i will say that the fact that you are CONSIDERING the consequences if you dont' tell and are even considering telling your nexxt partner shows you care... which tells a lot about your character...

With this in mind, i think your decision will be a good one...

A more practical answer: GO with your gut... it seems like your gut decision will be a good one... I think you'll do the right thing and i think the other person will understand... good luck man...

[ QUOTE ]
wait you can get genital herpes by getting head from girls who also have genital herpes?


[/ QUOTE ]

No, but you can from someone that has oral herpes.

[ QUOTE ]

and one in four girls have genital herpes?


[/ QUOTE ]

Something like that

[ QUOTE ]


I was TERRIFIED of telling them. I felt like they would shun me. I was afraid of anyone knowing. The stigma attached to herpes is awful. But it is so unfounded. It's not the end of the world. Life goes on. There are many more important qualities to desire in a partner than worrying about whether or not they have herpes.


[/ QUOTE ]

Thanks for the post. I appreciate you taking the time to make a temporary account just to answer my questions. I agree the stigma attached to herpes is awful. It's far far worse than the actual effects of the disease, IMO.

Did you tell your previous partners after you had already slept with them or before? How long had you been dating them and how did they react?

Another thing -- are you sure there are completely reliable clinical tests? My doctor gave me one diagnosis and the blood test had another result ... I didn't know what to make of it. I had this done at a free STD clinic, so I guess my next step would be to go to another doctor.

[ QUOTE ]
Hey OP...

Sucks doesn't it?


[/ QUOTE ]

/images/graemlins/frown.gif

[imported_anacardo]

[ QUOTE ]
If I had this disease I would probably kill myself.

http://herpes-coldsores.com/std/herpes_pictures.htm

[/ QUOTE ]

That's the saddest-looking snatch I've ever seen.

[Landon_McFly]

Can you get herpes on your pubic hair region directly below your bellybutton?? The reason I ask is because my ex had HPV, but we never had sex without condoms. One day she thought i had a bump or something on my dick, but after she examined it she said it was a false alarm and it was just a razor bump (I shave my pubes). Well anyway, I have the same looking bumps on mu pubes region right now, but I haven't shaved lately.

These bumps would occur even before I ever had sex, that's why I'm not too worried, but whenever I have shaving pimples on my face I can kinda pop them and they heal quickly. I did that to these and it's taking MUCH longer. If someone can find a site that has pics of VERY MILD cases of STDs that might help. Or STD imposters (which i think this could be)

[ QUOTE ]
Thanks for the post. I appreciate you taking the time to make a temporary account just to answer my questions. I agree the stigma attached to herpes is awful. It's far far worse than the actual effects of the disease, IMO.



[/ QUOTE ]
You're very welcome. The stigma IS far worse than the actual disease. Most people don't realize that, with suppression therapy, you can go years without an outbreak.

[ QUOTE ]
Did you tell your previous partners after you had already slept with them or before? How long had you been dating them and how did they react?



[/ QUOTE ]
I told my partners BEFORE I slept with them. This is so very important. I told them when a) I felt I could trust them with the "secret" and b) when it was now or never time as far as having sex, and that timing can vary between people. I mean, you can't predict how they're going to react. Not everyone is going to accept it and say ok I will have sex with you. But honestly, anyone who thinks less of you for this? Screw them. Not literally, heh. I honestly don't think it matters at all how long you wait, as long as you tell them before sex. And this means all sex -- oral, intercourse, even just touching.

[ QUOTE ]
Another thing -- are you sure there are completely reliable clinical tests? My doctor gave me one diagnosis and the blood test had another result ... I didn't know what to make of it. I had this done at a free STD clinic, so I guess my next step would be to go to another doctor.

[/ QUOTE ]
Hmm. No I am not 100% sure. I know there is a culture than can be taken, and there is a blood test that can be taken. I would not trust anything that is just a visual test. Get a second opinion.

As far as those pictures go... most of those are worst case pictures. Damn, if I had outbreaks like that I would probably go nuts. Everyone is different. Maybe I am one of the lucky ones. Who knows.

As far as the poster who said I should have posted under my usual account... no thanks. I am selective about who I share this with. Not everyone is as unjudgmental as I am. There is no reason for it to be known to the general public (which goes 1000 times for OOT).

[ QUOTE ]
Can you get herpes on your pubic hair region directly below your bellybutton??

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah I am sure that you can. That doesn't mean that's what it is though.

[ QUOTE ]
If someone can find a site that has pics of VERY MILD cases of STDs that might help. Or STD imposters (which i think this could be)

[/ QUOTE ]

Every picture I came up with was pretty extreme and looked nothing like mine. Go get checked by your doc. Don't be afraid to go... seriously, they've seen it all.

[ChipWrecked]

I am close to a couple of women who were given herpes by their unfaithful husbands. Nice posts. The stigma certainly should not be borne by anybody, least of all the innocent.

[ohnonotthat]

I thought that was when you get head from a hooker without hiding your wallet under the seat.

*

Herpes is known for only being transmissable when you yourself are having an outbreak; add to this the fact that an astounding % of the adult population has some form of it and it seems like any girl you meet and like - who also likes you - ought to be understanding of the situation.

*

Jokes aside I am sorry to hear it. Get as much info as you can and see a doctor who specializes in this sort of thing. You said you were tested but you didn't say whether or not the testor was a physician and even if they were you didn't mention anything about treatment/counseling.

Most important is that you take proper precautions in the future; herpes is a minor nuisance to someone who's in good health but a potential catastrophe to someone who isn't.

[Skipbidder]

[ QUOTE ]
Herpes is known for only being transmissable when you yourself are having an outbreak

[/ QUOTE ]

It is "known" by people who are wrong and giving bad advice. You can shed virus and transmit the disease without any outward signs.

[MrMoo]

As hard as it may be, telling the person up front is the right move.

I've dated someone with herpes before. She didn't find out until we had been dating for several months. She believes she caught it from an exboyfriend and I believe her because she was honest enough to tell me up front. I won't lie, it makes things difficult. But if guys care about each other, it's definitely something that can be dealt with.

For me personally, I was very worried about catching it. Actual intercourse was very sporadic and we always used protection. There are other ways to get off without actually having intercourse and we mostly did this. By being careful I was able to avoid contracting herpes myself.

I can't reiterate enough. As others have said, this is a social disease more than anything. As I saw through my ex, it can be devastating to catch this. But the reality is, A LOT of people have it. Some know, a lot don't. Those that do know don't exactly go around telling everyone. The social stigma associated with herpes is the worst aspect of this disease.

[LALDAAS]

[ QUOTE ]
Can you get herpes on your pubic hair region directly below your bellybutton?? The reason I ask is because my ex had HPV, but we never had sex without condoms. One day she thought i had a bump or something on my dick, but after she examined it she said it was a false alarm and it was just a razor bump (I shave my pubes). Well anyway, I have the same looking bumps on mu pubes region right now, but I haven't shaved lately.

These bumps would occur even before I ever had sex, that's why I'm not too worried, but whenever I have shaving pimples on my face I can kinda pop them and they heal quickly. I did that to these and it's taking MUCH longer. If someone can find a site that has pics of VERY MILD cases of STDs that might help. Or STD imposters (which i think this could be)

[/ QUOTE ]

It is called
Folliculitis (http://www.aocd.org/skin/dermatologic_diseases/folliculitis.html)

It is a fungus not that serious however you can pass it to your partner.