The only time I played with Chuck Norris

[shant]

So I'm at Commerce and Chuck Norris walks in and sits at my 4/8 table. We're 9 handed now. Chuck sits down and posts his BB.

I look down at KK UTG and I go to raise but Chuck Norris karate kicks the [censored] out of me.

[whiskeytown]

the lameness you exhibit in OOT is leaking to other fourms...

RB

[tpir90036]

[ QUOTE ]
the lameness you exhibit in OOT is leaking to other fourms...

RB

[/ QUOTE ]
smoke and then read this thread. it gets way better.

[whiskeytown]

can't - I'm out....anyone got a contact in Mpls? /images/graemlins/grin.gif

RB

[ QUOTE ]
the lameness you exhibit in OOT is leaking to other fourms...

RB

[/ QUOTE ]

Gawdamighty! I got 6 lines! I can't make up my mind!

/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[shant]

Why do you tease us by switching your avatar to something that isn't your face and then switch it back?

[whiskeytown]

again your originality is left wanting...

That was funny the first time - when Jimmy Stewart was a young boy.

RB

[shant]

On a scale of 1 to 10 your comebacks are AIDS.

[whiskeytown]

floater....like crap in the bottom of the toilet.

Nice handle. But hey, at least you can rise to the top SOMEWHERE.

None of this changes the fact it's a lame thread - a cry for attention based upon the success of Smoothcall's stories. Usually, post get deleted for that.

Go back to OOT.

RB

[Piiop]

You're lucky you didn't make direct eye contact - it could've been much worse.

[shant]

I was making a joke. I'm sorry to try and be funny. You obviously are out of pot and can't drink, so you're sad and angry. I don't want to get into a pissing match with someone your age, it's kinda lame. I'll stop responding to you now, and you can stop making terrible analogies.

[sweetjazz]

Great stuff.

[Peter666]

I am not surprised. Chuck Norris can do anything he likes because he is friggin Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks. (I guess even Chuck can be wrong sometimes.)

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't [censored] with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and [censored] on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won. (See? He saw the error of his ways.)

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the [censored] out of little kids.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the [censored] out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

No, I did not make this up, because I am not good enough to speak about Chuck Norris. It came from a site that I am sure Chuck Norris approves of. And anything Chuck Norris approves of is healthy because he is friggin Chuck Norris and fears no one (except Johnny Cash).

[shant]

My friend showed me this the other day and I couldn't stop laughing. Your list is missing my favorite:

"Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he just kicks himself in the face."

[Smoothcall]

I have to agree with whiskey that this is very lame. You know you are in trouble when you get sweet jazz to like your posts. If your gonna try to make fun of my posts at least do something good. This is pathetic. /images/graemlins/smirk.gif

[speirs]

Just. Can't. Stop. Laughing.

[whiskeytown]

the best part of it was Peter666's list - that was pretty good.

RB

[Peter666]

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

That's awesome! When I was a kid, we'd ride our bikes and pretend they were Chuck Norris motorcycles from Delta Force. With little missiles and everything. God bless Chuck.

I'm glad OP got roundhoused by Chuck at the poker table.

ScottieK

LMAO. Best stuff I've read all week.

ScottieK

[whiskeytown]

Peter has saved the thread from total uselessness...

I've cut and pasted his posts into more then a couple emails today /images/graemlins/wink.gif My friend was happy he didn't have a vagina, cause he didn't have exact change and he knew Chuck couldn't punch him for it.

RB

[Peter666]

Chuck Norris must sometimes masturbate because no one can satisfy Chuck Norris like Chuck Norris. Unfortunately, the last time Chuck Norris masturbated, he caused the Asian Tsuanami.

[uw_madtown]

[ QUOTE ]
Peter has saved the thread from total uselessness...

[/ QUOTE ]

Stop acting like a dick. We get it, you didn't find shant's original post funny. Move on instead of repeatedly acting like a douchebag.

[Peter666]

Chuck Norris is sad when people fight with words rather than roundhouse kicks.

In 1978, Chuck Norris went on a holiday to Paris. He watched a mime performing on the street. Unimpressed, he decapitated the mime with a roundhouse kick to the head. That is why Chuck Norris has been banned from France since 1978. In retaliation, he refuses to drink Stella Artois.

[nothumb]

[ QUOTE ]
Chuck Norris is sad when people fight with words rather than roundhouse kicks.

In 1978, Chuck Norris went on a holiday to Paris. He watched a mime performing on the street. Unimpressed, he decapitated the mime with a roundhouse kick to the head. That is why Chuck Norris has been banned from France since 1978. In retaliation, he refuses to drink Stella Artois.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is funny on so many levels.

NT

[mostsmooth]

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

[whiskeytown]

Chuck Norris has never owned or used a hammer.

When he has to drive nails into a board, he has a number of tools at his disposal including his forehead, his fists, or his penis. He can't use the roundhouse unless nailing into concrete blocks, as the boards would break under the impact.

When he has to use a LOT of nails he eats the box and fires them out of his ass at high velocity like a nailgun.

RB

[coffeecrazy1]

Once, I was playing poker with Chuck Norris. He and I got heads up on one hand.

From the way Chuck Norris bet the flop, I knew from the way he played it that he had flopped TPTK, but I had a pair and a flush draw. So, I was trying to figure out how many outs I had, and I said,

"I wonder how many outs I have if I call."

Chuck Norris replied, "I don't know, but you're dead to a roundhouse kick."

I quickly folded.

[TStoneMBD]

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks are so powerful that when he does them, it creates a gravitational pull that shifts the land masses of the earth closer to him each time.

NASA has been interested in sending Chuck Norris into outerspace for years, but after extensive studies they determined that it would be too dangerous to do so as Chuck Norris' punches are so powerful that he might accidentally punch through the universe's atmosphere creating a worm hole into another dimension.

When Chuck Norris strokes his penis, every woman on the planet's sense of sexual awareness increases.

Scientists have discovered a way to duplicate the destruction of the atomic bomb by having Chuck Norris ejaculate out of an airplane over cities.

The government has been trying to pass a bill for years that will approve the cloning of Chuck Norris' DNA, but scientists fear the added earthquake damage might cause the apocalypse.

Chuck Norris cures the overpopulation of the earth with roundhouse kicks.

-all mine

[mr_whomp]

Reminds me of an email I got the other day...

My favorite one is:
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him
holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

> The Biography Chuck Norris
>
> Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
> punched his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
> beard. Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to
> kittens and roundhouse kick them. The chief export of Chuck Norris is
> pain. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. When
> Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
> because he has run out of women. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he
> gives it to people anyway. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy
> question wrong. Jesus has missed two. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the
> devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
> Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the
> devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates
> irony, couldn't stay
> mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
> They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. A man once
> asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not
> respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris's
> girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a
> woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
> PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
> girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't [censored] with
> Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
> statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius
> of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his
> urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. The
> original theme song to the Transformers was actually
> "Chuck Norris--more
> than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck
> Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
> Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for
> a single show, however, so it was divided. To prove it isn't that big of
> a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a
> day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them
> from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance
> Armstrong. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus
> the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
> Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
> influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three
> died of roundhouse kick related deaths. Chuck Norris can make a
> woman
> climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris once
> shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" After much
> debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima
> rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It
> was more "humane". If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
> can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck
> Norris does not sleep. He waits. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck
> Norris. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white
> people just to prove he isn't a racist. Chuck Norris is currently suing
> NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right
> legs. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
> yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already
> lost
> my virginity.", then you are dead wrong, my friend. If you ask
> Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After
> you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
> face. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
> includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
> Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. Filming on location for Walker:
> Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by
> giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang
> back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
> the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck
> giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Chuck Norris lost his
> virginity before his dad did. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked
> someone so hard that his foot broke the
> speed of light, went back in
> time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific
> Ocean. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
> the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
> his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
> amazement. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he
> gets the information he wants. There are no disabled people. Only people
> who have met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever
> saying the word. He simply beat the living [censored] out of everything that
> was thrown at him, and the game forfeited. Chuck Norris once lined up to
> kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the
> football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field
> goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the
> baby 60
> yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the
> stadium. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die
> from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
> also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
> meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Macgyver can
> build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill
> him and take it. Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck
> Norris. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's
> hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a
> roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure
> that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris
> carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the
> bag and
> throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact. God offered
> Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super
> strength roundhouse ability. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey
> one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went
> into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey,
> ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
> cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had
> done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never
> question Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of
> all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him
> holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of
> clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.