A potentially bad blind date setup

[bdk3clash]

The fiance of one of my good friends wants to set me up with her a friend of her sister. Being the shallow prick that I am I looked on Friendster and found her profile. Her photos were less-than appealing. Further complicating matters is the fact that I'm not drinking for a little while, so my standards will be a bit higher than usual.

How should I handle this situation? I'm leaning towards sucking it up and meeting up for coffee, perhaps to be pleasantly surprised but more than likely just to get it out of the way to keep things smooth.

[diebitter]

Meet and get it over with.

[RunDownHouse]

Is it really important to you to keep your relationship with your friend's fiance smooth as glass? How much will saying, "No, I'd rather not do any blind dates right now," really affect that relationship?

[ QUOTE ]
Further complicating matters is the fact that I'm not drinking for a little while, so my standards will be a bit higher than usual

[/ QUOTE ]

Easily the best part of this post. How long is "a little while"? Perhaps you could put off the meeting?

[swede123]

As a rule you should always stay away from blind dates organized by your buddy's woman. If the buddy himself was the one doing the setting up I'd be less worried, but more often than not the buddy's fiancee won't know what you are looking for etc. and it ends up being a bad match. That being said, why not go the coffee or lunch route. At worst you'll have wasted 45 minutes of your time and you might have a good story. At best she's the woman of your dreams.

Swede

[bdk3clash]

[ QUOTE ]
Is it really important to you to keep your relationship with your friend's fiance smooth as glass? How much will saying, "No, I'd rather not do any blind dates right now," really affect that relationship?

[/ QUOTE ]
At this point I'm trying to do less lying to people I care about in my life. (This is a relatively recent development for me.) I am in fact interested in blind dates right now. I do care about my relationship with my friend's fiance, and it's a nice gesture of her to set me up on a date, so I'm leaning towards just doing it.

[jedi]

Well, at least you admit you're shallow. Anyways, just say that you're not really interested in a blind date right now because "things always seem to go bad when I go on blind dates." That should be enough. It'll backfire when your friend's fiancee wants to hook you up with a hottie, then remembers your blind date comments, but that's the chance you're going to have to take.

[bdk3clash]

[ QUOTE ]
As a rule you should always stay away from blind dates organized by your buddy's woman.

[/ QUOTE ]
So true, although I do have one female friend who told me that a friend of hers wasn't my type, and when I asked why, she said "Because she's fat." Now that's a good friend.

Anyway I think the rest of your advice and analysis is spot on.

[BottlesOf]

[ QUOTE ]
Further complicating matters is the fact that I'm not drinking for a little while

[/ QUOTE ]

Ok, enough of this. Unless you're on some kind of medication, I don't want to hear this anymore.


As for the date, I would just tell whoever necessary (either your friend or his fiance) that this girl isn't your type. I would do it diplomatically, but I don't see this as too awkward.

[private joker]

The Friendster Pic Rule: Score on Friendster - 2 = Score in Real Life

Example: If she's a 6 on Friendster, she's a 4 in real life. Get out while you still can.

When you're in Los Angeles, you'll see so much hot box you'll never want to date a New York 7 or below ever again.

[BottlesOf]

[ QUOTE ]
So true, although I do have one female friend who told me that a friend of hers wasn't my type, and when I asked why, she said "Because she's fat."

[/ QUOTE ]

And when you're asked "why?" you'll brush it off somehow like, "Ahh, I dunno, just wasn't into it" or something else that wouldn't be lying but you'll be able to come up with based ont he photo.

[bdk3clash]

[ QUOTE ]
As for the date, I would just tell whoever necessary (either your friend or his fiance) that this girl isn't your type. I would do it diplomatically, but I don't see this as too awkward.

[/ QUOTE ]
See, the problem is it's supposed to be a blind date--I surreptitiously found her profile on Friendster. So there's really no way that I'm supposed to "know" that she isn't my type until I meet her.

[BottlesOf]

I don't think there's anything wrong with coming clean. Your curiosity overtook you etc.

[IndieMatty]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
As for the date, I would just tell whoever necessary (either your friend or his fiance) that this girl isn't your type. I would do it diplomatically, but I don't see this as too awkward.

[/ QUOTE ]
See, the problem is it's supposed to be a blind date--I surreptitiously found her profile on Friendster. So there's really no way that I'm supposed to "know" that she isn't my type until I meet her.

[/ QUOTE ]

At least once every few weeks, a female friend of mine asks if I want to be set up with so and so, I politley say "I don't want to get set up" and leave it that.

[diebitter]

[ QUOTE ]
At least once every few weeks, a female friend of mine asks if I want to be set up with so and so, I politley say "I don't want to get set up" and leave it that.

[/ QUOTE ]

That's so aids.

Just get it over with. Who knows, after she finds out that you checked her out on friendster, she'll check your site and might be thinking the same thing.

[shant]

[ QUOTE ]
At least once every few weeks, a female friend of mine asks if I want to be set up with so and so, I politley say "I don't want to get set up" and leave it that.

[/ QUOTE ]
In this day and age of everyone being on MySpace, I'd ask your female friend to hook you up with a profile link for these chicks so you can see ahead of time what you're getting into. You might be passing up some decent setups.

[IndieMatty]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
At least once every few weeks, a female friend of mine asks if I want to be set up with so and so, I politley say "I don't want to get set up" and leave it that.

[/ QUOTE ]
In this day and age of everyone being on MySpace, I'd ask your female friend to hook you up with a profile link for these chicks so you can see ahead of time what you're getting into. You might be passing up some decent setups.

[/ QUOTE ]

I know this. I've passed on some great chicks. A big hearty meh. I actually mean it, I don't want to be setup. I'm completely fizzucked in the female department.

Edit: Let's concentrate on Brad here.

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

Where's the link?

[bdk3clash]

[ QUOTE ]
Where's the link?

[/ QUOTE ]
Don't make me post a link to tubgirl.

[Klepton]

you have to also remember that the pictures on internet site (myspace, friendster, etc.) are carefully selcted to make the person look about 40% hotter than they actually are.

i know this first hand.

[istewart]

[ QUOTE ]
The Friendster Pic Rule: Score on Friendster - 2 = Score in Real Life

Example: If she's a 6 on Friendster, she's a 4 in real life.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thanks for the example. Had a pretty tough time understanding what you were saying before I saw it.

[B Dids]

[ QUOTE ]
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As for the date, I would just tell whoever necessary (either your friend or his fiance) that this girl isn't your type. I would do it diplomatically, but I don't see this as too awkward.

[/ QUOTE ]
See, the problem is it's supposed to be a blind date--I surreptitiously found her profile on Friendster. So there's really no way that I'm supposed to "know" that she isn't my type until I meet her.

[/ QUOTE ]

The person that is setting you up is fully aware that it's 2005 and that you're not a luddite, right?

I think it's more than fair to be honest- and to be clear that even though you may be interested in "blind" dates, you're still going to do your best to make sure that it's worth it for you.

If you're making the effort to be kind to people you care about, people you care about should be kind enough not to waste your time if you're not interested in their ugly friends.

[swede123]

[ QUOTE ]
The Friendster Pic Rule: Score on Friendster - 2 = Score in Real Life

Example: If she's a 6 on Friendster, she's a 4 in real life. Get out while you still can.

[/ QUOTE ]

I've definitely seen this as well; sometimes the -2 point Friendster adjustment applies to the 2 point scale of hotness, which means some seriously bad regrets the morning after.

Swede

[lu_hawk]

The not drinking part sucks. Because if I was in your spot I would plan on taking her somewhere where I could get drunk and then once drunk I could decide whether or not I want to have sex with her that night. Given your description of her looks then you should not have a very hard time of it. But you aren't going to drink so I would say try to cancel the date in the best way you see fit.

[turnipmonster]

take her to a fried chicken joint on grand st and order chicken livers. if she still wants to see you, you can tell friend's fiance she's too weird with a clear conscience.

[Ulysses]

Just suck it up, go on the date, pretend it's w/ a buddy to just hang out. Maybe she has hot friends.

The person who screwed up here was your buddy. In this situation, it is his responsibility to make sure you don't get stuck w/ a bad-looking chick.

Especially as you get older and more of your friends are married or in serious relationships, their SOs will try to set you up. Good buddies step up and say "yeah, I don't think they would get along" or something.

[sfer]

You're so damned shortsighted. Women are typically friends with other women. And, frankly, you're an internet poker pro with limited wireless internet access stuck at your mom's house in suburban Chicago right now. Like you have options.

[IndieMatty]

[ QUOTE ]
You're so damned shortsighted. Women are typically friends with other women. And, frankly, you're an internet poker pro with limited wireless internet access stuck at your mom's house in suburban Chicago right now. Like you have options.

[/ QUOTE ]

gold

[skipperbob]

"There is no situation so bad that ingesting massive amounts of alcohol can't make it worse"...Go on the Blind Date...Get faced!...Double-Pump her Doggy-style..Do the 4th "Get"....Lie about the whole episode afterward /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Is it really important to you to keep your relationship with your friend's fiance smooth as glass? How much will saying, "No, I'd rather not do any blind dates right now," really affect that relationship?

[/ QUOTE ]
At this point I'm trying to do less lying to people I care about in my life. (This is a relatively recent development for me.) I am in fact interested in blind dates right now. I do care about my relationship with my friend's fiance, and it's a nice gesture of her to set me up on a date, so I'm leaning towards just doing it.

[/ QUOTE ]

If you're interested in blind dates, you're basically signing up for this exact same thing anyway, so you might as well get used to it. You've lost the deniability of not going for that kind of thing.

There's an off chance that your buddy could quash the deal by saying to his fiance that you're not her type, and her giving up on it.

I'm not a fan of blind dates and think they're usually a way for people to pass off their uglier friends and enjoy a little drama and busybodying doing it. And women are totally dishonest on how a woman looks, especially if they're friends with her, and will say a 3 is a 7 or 8, no problem. But if you're going for them, you have to put up with this kind of thing and might as well suck it up.

There's always the alternative of being honest and saying you saw her picture and weren't interested, but that sounds like it takes more nads than you're willing to exhibit. I think going through the motions on a date you don't want to be on would be worse, but it sounds like you don't.

[nolanfan34]

[ QUOTE ]
Just suck it up, go on the date, pretend it's w/ a buddy to just hang out. Maybe she has hot friends.

The person who screwed up here was your buddy. In this situation, it is his responsibility to make sure you don't get stuck w/ a bad-looking chick.

Especially as you get older and more of your friends are married or in serious relationships, their SOs will try to set you up. Good buddies step up and say "yeah, I don't think they would get along" or something.

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree with all of this. And as The Daver said as well, don't discount the fact this chick will know other chicks as well.

I also agree that some of this is on your buddy. Once he's married, he'll probably be quicker to stand up for you if he knows it's a situation you want to avoid.

But I would just go, and approach it like meeting a new potential friend. And be honest with the fiancee afterward - don't tap dance around the reason you weren't interested in this girl. For some reason people involved with setting other people up always have these delusional fantasies that the two people are going to go off and get married, and it will all be because of them, etc, etc. (mrs. nolanfan will probably read this statement and disagree)

If anything, this fact should give you MORE leverage to be honest about not being attracted to someone. I don't think that's shallow at all - the simple fact is that you're just not going to have a relationship with someone long term that you're not physically attracted to. That's just one piece of a relationship, and why should you be penalized by some [censored] that says you're shallow because you care about looks?

Anyway, good luck.

[The Yugoslavian]

[ QUOTE ]
"There is no situation so bad that ingesting massive amounts of alcohol can't make it worse"...Go on the Blind Date...Get faced!...Double-Pump her Doggy-style..Do the 4th "Get"....Lie about the whole episode afterward /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

More Skipperbob in OOT!!!

/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

Yugoslav

[Blarg]

True, and what Diablo said is true too.

Interestingly, though, it's just as true before the date as after. Having to go on a date he has no interest in going on reveals no new truths or possibilities. If a girl's unattractiveness is an adequate reason for not dating her further, it's the same reason for not dating her in the first place.

Do you prove you're any less shallow by saying what needs to be said after instead of before? That sounds a bit like consoling yourself. It doesn't sound all that true to me.

My guess is the answer for why you don't want to date her further after the date might well be some vague stuff you make up anyway, not straight out honesty. I wouldn't be surprised if many guys would purposely create a conflict just so they wouldn't have to date her further or would have a good excuse if it needs to be explained, which might well be quite demeaning and unpleasant to both of you. I think people could easily do this more or less unconsciously too, by the way, not as part of some evil plan. For someone who wants to duck out of the consequences of being honest, the possibility of the date going wrong is greatly heightened.

The problem here is not being comfortable being honest. And not feeling like you have the right to have your own standards of attractiveness because it might bug a third or a fourth party outside the date. I could see this date going forward on a dishonest premise(there's a chance) and concluding on a lie(she, oh, likes different kinds of potato chips than I do or the wrong kind of movies or who cares what). Dating injects zero honesty into the equation and may just multiply dishonesty quite a bit. And all during the process, you could wind up saving no feelings at all and being completely weasely and untrue to yourself at every step of the way.

I really don't see how going out on a date with a girl you have no interest in is doing her that big of a favor, and I don't see how it could lead to less bad feelings after you reject her than by just calling the whole thing off up front. I don't think it has any more integrity or nice guyness about it than just saying you're not interested right up front. Honesty up front is not a bad thing just by itself, and practically speaking, it could save a lot of people's feelings getting messed around by this whole project.

I also think this smacks a little of a kind of chicken ish postponing taking your medicine. You're in a jam and you want to put off the consequences. Putting off telling the buddy's fiance NO up front means "tomorrow guy" has to handle things instead. But tomorrow always comes. Better to swallow your medicine up front. And to be honest. I'm not convinced that all these machinations will really for anyone's good at all, or are any more honorable than simple honesty.

Don't go on the blind date. Tell you're friend that your standards are higher and it would be a waste of time. Then tell him that if he trys hooking you up with an ugly chick again you will tell his fiance that he is cheating on her. Whenever I think of blind dates, I think there is a reason that they need to be set up, and that reason is that nobody else wants to date them. I've had two blind dates and were less than average. You need to pick out chicks for yourself. I would rather have the embarrassment of being denied by a hot chick than the shame of being seen on a date with an ugly one.

[Luv2DriveTT]

suck it up, with the condition that if you don't like her there is a pre-determined signal between you and your friend.

Then come back to OOT and post a trip report /images/graemlins/smirk.gif

TT /images/graemlins/club.gif

[scrub]

[ QUOTE ]
The fiance of one of my good friends wants to set me up with her a friend of her sister. Being the shallow prick that I am I looked on Friendster and found her profile. Her photos were less-than appealing. Further complicating matters is the fact that I'm not drinking for a little while, so my standards will be a bit higher than usual.

How should I handle this situation? I'm leaning towards sucking it up and meeting up for coffee, perhaps to be pleasantly surprised but more than likely just to get it out of the way to keep things smooth.

[/ QUOTE ]

If your buddy is a good friend, you should go. If he's looking out for you, the worst case scenario ought to be that you don't think she's attractive but you have a good time and maybe end up with a new friend/female social hub. Best case scenario is obviously that she doesn't photograph well, which is a bigger possibility than people are acknowledging.

scrub

[DrSavage]

If I were you I'd just start drinking again.

[imported_anacardo]

[ QUOTE ]
Best case scenario is obviously that she doesn't photograph well, which is a bigger possibility than people are acknowledging.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is an important possibility to consider. I've known girls ranging from above average to hot that looked much better in life than in pictures. I'd rate it just as likely that she looks better, rather than worse, in person. Not that that's necessarily going to push this girl into Turn-On Territory, but something worth factoring in.

[private joker]

[ QUOTE ]
you have to also remember that the pictures on internet site (myspace, friendster, etc.) are carefully selcted to make the person look about 40% hotter than they actually are.

i know this first hand.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is a great point. I really wish I had thought of this and posted it.

Also, I'm surprised istewart hasn't come after you yet.

[bdk3clash]

Blarq: I appreciate the input you've given to this discussion, but I think this:

[ QUOTE ]
...that sounds like it takes more nads than you're willing to exhibit...

[/ QUOTE ]
was out of line. Frankly, I've got "nads" enough to do all that you've suggested and much, much more, but I'm trying to break out of some old habits and patterns.

I think there are more benefits to going through with this setup than the immediate possiblities with this particular girl, even if it is in fact predicated on the "lie" that I'm interested enough in this girl to go out on a blind date with her.

On a side note, my friend told me he has never met her, so he's more or less in the clear on this one, though I will tell him he needs a better screening process in the future if necessary.

[nothumb]

Slumpbuster dude. Hit it and quit it, it will stop your buddy's woman from throwing you to the dogs (so to speak).

Unless you hope she's got hot friends too, in which case I guess you go out and put on a good show.

NT

[Blarg]

Sorry, you caught me before one of my typical edits I do to make some things sound less harsh.

For what it's worth, I don't think the remark should be taken too hard, though. Occasionally exhibiting lack of perfect nads in every situation is nothing but the norm, and not a matter of great shame, unless we think probably a lot higher of ourselves than virtually anybody really warrants. I've been a gutless wonder in my time and I'm sure there's every chance that will repeat, or at least threaten to, pretty much constantly until the day I die. And I take it for granted that not always being perfectly strong or admirable is exactly the nature of everybody else too. I don't idealize anybody, starting with myself. All that sounds like a lot of words, but I do sincerely mean that this comment didn't have near the negative intent that you might have ascribed to it. And, in case it might have, I edited it out so it wouldn't be taken as harsher than I meant it, but wasn't quick enough. At any rate, it wasn't meant to be a vicious jab or anything; I take us all as deeply flawed creatures and don't even find thinking or saying so remotely remarkable or worthy of a second thought, though I know from experience before this that saying so can grate on the ears pretty hard.

Back to the main issue of the thread, I'm not sure why you think there are benefits to doing this that outweigh the negatives. I'm more of the school of thought that goes "Oh what a tangled web we weave/When first we practice to deceive." I think keeping it simple and taking your medicine up front is usually so much better in the long run than making things more complicated and untruthful and hoping either ordinary circumstances or bad luck don't really bury you and in a way give you what you were asking for and deserve when you start screwing around and playing games. Even well-intentioned games. And I think in a very real way you demean yourself and deserve a little less of whatever pride you've got when you indulge in not being straight about things.

And -- you kind of demean her, too. I strongly believe that going out with someone you don't want to be with is not doing them any favors. And that your feelings can show, especially to women, who tend to be more sensitive to things like that than guys are. I can easily see the girl being more disappointed by a date with someone who doesn't want to be with her and afterwards doesn't want to see her -- rejects her actually KNOWING her, in other words, and seeing her having a chance to be at her best -- than she would be by simply having a guy go, Nah, I'll pass, right up front. An anonymous rejection by who knows who seems a LOT less hurtful to me than a rejection by someone who you've put any kind of emotional investment into and spent any time with at all. I just don't see how going through with the date is the kindest solution.

I do suspect that there's a strong element in here of your not wanting to weather the repercussions of saying no up front, and putting it off to another day is a way of kidding yourself it will be any easier and nicer. In fact, I think it will almost certainly be harsher to her, even if it is easier on you, and think the kinder thing would be to absorb the blow yourself rather than spreading it around by doing this chick the "favor" of dating her then insta-dumping her regardless of how nice and personable she really may be.

Whether this should be described as having nads or not, or whether it makes any difference if it is, doesn't get around that it sounds a bit like you are trying to take it easier on yourself in a manner that is also very likely to make it harder on her.

There are so many good reasons here to, please forgive me here, man up and take your punches up front rather than shifting them off to tomorrow guy and letting her eat a few punches along with.

If there's a way to make that sound better, I'm afraid I'm not up to it. I do think it's a bit of failure of nerve and kidding yourself, and a bit at the chick's expense. But I'm not demonizing you because I think you're making a mistake or anything. Mistakes are what people do. They're sure as hell what I do. I just think this is one of them.

I have a couple of chick social-affiliates that tried to set me up with some of their friends. It was like "I need pics first....ok, not interested" "but she's really nice!"
"ugh, sorry... not really"

Anyways, to those that say you have few other options, they are wrong. You can always use your moneys to get a mail-order bride Diebitter stylez or even a hooker Michael Davis stylez.

[diebitter]

[ QUOTE ]
I have a couple of chick social-affiliates that tried to set me up with some of their friends. It was like "I need pics first....ok, not interested" "but she's really nice!"
"ugh, sorry... not really"

Anyways, to those that say you have few other options, they are wrong. You can always use your moneys to get a mail-order bride Diebitter stylez or even a hooker Michael Davis stylez.

[/ QUOTE ]

What? /images/graemlins/shocked.gif

You have me confused with some other tard. But, hell, let's go bowling.

damn, I meant "LARRY DAVID" STYLEZ

BTW, I'll still go bowling. I'm really bad though, yet I improve with alcohol.

[BreakEvenPlayer]

[ QUOTE ]
Sorry, you caught me before one of my typical edits I do to make some things sound less harsh.

For what it's worth, I don't think the remark should be taken too hard, though. Occasionally exhibiting lack of perfect nads in every situation is nothing but the norm, and not a matter of great shame, unless we think probably a lot higher of ourselves than virtually anybody really warrants. I've been a gutless wonder in my time and I'm sure there's every chance that will repeat, or at least threaten to, pretty much constantly until the day I die. And I take it for granted that not always being perfectly strong or admirable is exactly the nature of everybody else too. I don't idealize anybody, starting with myself. All that sounds like a lot of words, but I do sincerely mean that this comment didn't have near the negative intent that you might have ascribed to it. And, in case it might have, I edited it out so it wouldn't be taken as harsher than I meant it, but wasn't quick enough. At any rate, it wasn't meant to be a vicious jab or anything; I take us all as deeply flawed creatures and don't even find thinking or saying so remotely remarkable or worthy of a second thought, though I know from experience before this that saying so can grate on the ears pretty hard.

Back to the main issue of the thread, I'm not sure why you think there are benefits to doing this that outweigh the negatives. I'm more of the school of thought that goes "Oh what a tangled web we weave/When first we practice to deceive." I think keeping it simple and taking your medicine up front is usually so much better in the long run than making things more complicated and untruthful and hoping either ordinary circumstances or bad luck don't really bury you and in a way give you what you were asking for and deserve when you start screwing around and playing games. Even well-intentioned games. And I think in a very real way you demean yourself and deserve a little less of whatever pride you've got when you indulge in not being straight about things.

And -- you kind of demean her, too. I strongly believe that going out with someone you don't want to be with is not doing them any favors. And that your feelings can show, especially to women, who tend to be more sensitive to things like that than guys are. I can easily see the girl being more disappointed by a date with someone who doesn't want to be with her and afterwards doesn't want to see her -- rejects her actually KNOWING her, in other words, and seeing her having a chance to be at her best -- than she would be by simply having a guy go, Nah, I'll pass, right up front. An anonymous rejection by who knows who seems a LOT less hurtful to me than a rejection by someone who you've put any kind of emotional investment into and spent any time with at all. I just don't see how going through with the date is the kindest solution.

I do suspect that there's a strong element in here of your not wanting to weather the repercussions of saying no up front, and putting it off to another day is a way of kidding yourself it will be any easier and nicer. In fact, I think it will almost certainly be harsher to her, even if it is easier on you, and think the kinder thing would be to absorb the blow yourself rather than spreading it around by doing this chick the "favor" of dating her then insta-dumping her regardless of how nice and personable she really may be.

Whether this should be described as having nads or not, or whether it makes any difference if it is, doesn't get around that it sounds a bit like you are trying to take it easier on yourself in a manner that is also very likely to make it harder on her.

There are so many good reasons here to, please forgive me here, man up and take your punches up front rather than shifting them off to tomorrow guy and letting her eat a few punches along with.

If there's a way to make that sound better, I'm afraid I'm not up to it. I do think it's a bit of failure of nerve and kidding yourself, and a bit at the chick's expense. But I'm not demonizing you because I think you're making a mistake or anything. Mistakes are what people do. They're sure as hell what I do. I just think this is one of them.

[/ QUOTE ]


Blarg is like Micro Bob on steroids. And his writing is significanty more coherent.