Serious issue: Ex Girlfriend...Thanksgiving....Feeling Bad

[tonypaladino]

Some of you know the situation I was in with my ex. We were together for 4 years and lived together for 2. I broke up with her rather abruptly (to her) in February, but we kinda remained close until April.

We've been continuously moving further and further apart. Before today I hadn't spoken to her in at least 3 or 4 weeks (whenever my faking an orgasim post was).

Here's the thing. She had a situation with her parents that caused her to leave home at 17, right before we started going out. She has no contact with any family members at all. She has no permanent home. She is living in NYU housing and has a bunch of crap in my basement and closet.

I found out today that she will be all alone for Thanksgiving. She was invited to an old boyfriends house, and I encouraged her to go, but she insisted she doesn't want to. She says she wants to spend it with my family, but won't since she knows I don't want her here.

Truthfully, I don't want her here and I think she gathered that from our conversation today. But I also told her I didn't want her to be by herself, and if she wouldn't go to Jeff's house she should come here. What should I do???

I'm sure a similar situation will come up christmastime too.

I really do feel terible that she'll be alone. Help me OOT.

Who had that avatar from Menace II Society of dude saying "You're acting like a little bitch right now!"

Seriously? Get over it, go out with somebody else.

I had a decent response typed out and then I hit the dumb back button on my dumb mouse and I lost the dumb post.

Its not worth the guilt of feeling horrible because she's alone. Take her in for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, and then be done with it. If, by this time next year, she hasn't figured out how to fend for herself, heh, [censored] happens.

Having her over for 2 days is better than beating yourself up over it for 2 weeks. Even if she is an annoying broad.

[tonypaladino]

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Who had that avatar from Menace II Society of dude saying "You're acting like a little bitch right now!"

Seriously? Get over it, go out with somebody else.

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That's helpful. Thanks asstard.

Oh come on, what do you want me to say? Fine take her in, but before you do, ask yourself what most women would do if the tables were turned.

[diebitter]

If it were me, I'd have her there. I couldn't stand to feel so mean, unless I really couldn't stand seeing her.

But this is really a 'you need to decide' thing.

[tonypaladino]

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Oh come on, what do you want me to say? Fine take her in, but before you do, ask yourself what most women would do if the tables were turned.

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I'm not sure how "Get over it, go out with somebody else." applies to this situation. This has nothing to do with our relationship. We've both moved on, this is an issue of feeling compassion for other people as human beings

Ok fine, but that compassion will bite you in the ass someday.

[diebitter]

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Oh come on, what do you want me to say? Fine take her in, but before you do, ask yourself what most women would do if the tables were turned.

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I'm not sure how "Get over it, go out with somebody else." applies to this situation. This has nothing to do with our relationship. We've both moved on, this is an issue of feeling compassion for other people as human beings

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Captain Obvious reborn states: You're a good guy, Tony. You know what you have to do. The right thing. Obviously.

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But this is really a 'you need to decide' thing.

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Eh, I think the tone of Tony's post is, "I've decided, now berate me for being a pansy." But I'm not sure exactly how much beration will be forthcoming, since any decent person would take the poor thing in.

Shrug. Even the hardasses who don't know what a 4 year relationship is like would probably cave, when faced with the situation. Except maybe Dominic.

[JonPKibble]

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Oh come on, what do you want me to say? Fine take her in, but before you do, ask yourself what most women would do if the tables were turned.

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Who cares what 'most women' would do. What ever happened to being a bigger man, just because it's the right thing to do? 'Tis the season.

[Vavavoom]

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Oh come on, what do you want me to say? Fine take her in, but before you do, ask yourself what most women would do if the tables were turned.

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I'm not sure how "Get over it, go out with somebody else." applies to this situation. This has nothing to do with our relationship. We've both moved on, this is an issue of feeling compassion for other people as human beings

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If that is the case then Yasher has hit the money with this one...

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Its not worth the guilt of feeling horrible because she's alone. Take her in for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, and then be done with it. If, by this time next year, she hasn't figured out how to fend for herself, heh, [censored] happens.

Having her over for 2 days is better than beating yourself up over it for 2 weeks. Even if she is an annoying broad.

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[TheMainEvent]

I agree with letting her in but I'm guessing Tony will have to give out some tough love in the future because this reeks of her wanting to get back together and using his guilt to get closer to him.

[MelK]

You need to hook her up with someone who would appreciate her. She needs herself a man and she will never get one if you let her cling to you.

[tonypaladino]

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But this is really a 'you need to decide' thing.

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Eh, I think the tone of Tony's post is, "I've decided, now berate me for being a pansy." But I'm not sure exactly how much beration will be forthcoming, since any decent person would take the poor thing in.

Shrug. Even the hardasses who don't know what a 4 year relationship is like would probably cave, when faced with the situation. Except maybe Dominic.

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I really haven't decided. The issue is way too [censored] complex and giving me a headache.

1. I don't love her anymore, I don't like being in her company, She's a bitch.

2. No one should be alone on a Holiday, she's a bitch but inside a nice person, she's had a rough life and doesn't cope with it well

Anothe factor is my Grandmother loves her to death and would love to have her here for the holidays. she is 82 now and I think is a little upset with the realization that she likely won't get to see either me or my sister get married (god forbid, of course)*. My grandmother cried when we broke up.

*Italian tradition, I had to put it in.

[captZEEbo1]

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1. I don't love her anymore, I don't like being in her company, She's a bitch.

[/ QUOTE ]I think you need to stop talking to her altogether if this is actually the case.

No one should be alone for the holiday. Thats fine, but it doesnt make it your responsibiliy to ensure that she is with someone.

If she's a bitch and you dont like her, let her fend for herself right now.

[rusellmj]

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1. I don't love her anymore, I don't like being in her company, She's a bitch.


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Isn't this all the information we really need to make the right decision?

YOU'RE FAT

[Brain]

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1. I don't love her anymore, I don't like being in her company, She's a bitch.

[/ QUOTE ]I think you need to stop talking to her altogether if this is actually the case.

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Yes, it may suck for her to be alone for the holidays, but if it means making yourself miserable, I wouldn't do it.

[Brain]

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1. I don't love her anymore, I don't like being in her company, She's a bitch.

[/ QUOTE ]I think you need to stop talking to her altogether if this is actually the case.

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An alternative is to tell her that she can come over if she eats a pound of butter.

[tonypaladino]

I guess I will not be inviting her over.

If she hadn't made other plans, that's her problem, right?

EDIT:

I still feel pretty terrible about this though, even though I know I shouldn't.

[istewart]

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YOU'RE FAT

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LOL

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I still feel pretty terrible about this though, even though I know I shouldn't.

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I'm a bigger puss than you are, I'd probably have invited her over to soothe the conscience.

That being said, good call. You aren't her damn keeper. Let her fend for herself.

[shant]

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Who had that avatar from Menace II Society of dude saying "You're acting like a little bitch right now!"

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Hi, that was moi.

[Blarg]

These situations are going to come up for the rest of her life, and there's no better time to start than now. Seriously, not just being glib. She has to get used to the idea of your being apart, and so do you. And your family too, even.

Holidays suck pretty bad when you're alone. But that can't be changed. The girl has been on her own since February, you say. That's time enough to get her life restarted. Now 9 months later, she should just be living a normal life, which is not a particularly terrible curse at all, really. And it includes either making new friends or suffering the consequences of not having new friends. You can't have it both ways -- not being with you while still relying on you, or not making friends but not having to deal with having no friends.

People need friends. She needs to learn to go out and make some more. If she hasn't learned by now, this holiday season will help drive it home that she's on her own and needs to keep leading a healthy, productive life. It could be the spur to her getting herself back into a healthier mental and emotional place, even if it will be some extra misery for now.

I'm not saying that there's a way to feel perfectly kind in this situation. Just saying that what seems to be the nice way out may not really be all that helpful and may even prolong her problems. What she needs is not more of you, but more outside friends. And actually all her friends should be "outside" of your relationship with her, if you follow what I mean, because you two don't have one anymore.

She's even rejecting the friend who invited her over for Thanksgiving just because she wanted to hang with you. That's not the way to go about it. She has a place to go. She'd just rather be with you. That's no good. It's high time she started attending to her emotional needs in a healthier way than by prolonging contact with you.

If it were me, I'm sure I'd have spikes of feeling guilty about it, but wouldn't invite her over during the holidays. They're not only your holidays too, which you deserve to enjoy, but inviting her over sends the wrong signals. She needs to move on and get her life going. I'd be reluctant to dump someone DURING the holidays, but February? She needs to get her own life going now.

[tonypaladino]

Thank you Blarg. I read that post twice.
I'm feeling better about not having her here.

When I look back, the relationship we had lasted much longer than it should have because I did not want to be "mean" and break up with her. I finally realized that I needed to do what is right for myself, and I thing I need to do the same now.

[Alobar]

uhm, wtf? You dont want her there, why are you stressing? Just dont invite her. Are you going to invite every homeless person over too just cuz you dont want them to be alone?

I dont know any of the backstory, but it just sounds like a lot of drama. who needs that. So shes alone on thanksgiving, so what? Millions of people will be, its not going to be the end of her world. Allow her the opportunity to move on and forward from her life with you.

People place entirely to much emphasise on the holidays. If you have to have some arbitrary day on a calendar remind you of whats important in life..........

[Dariel86]

our relationship. We've both moved on...

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Doesn't really sound like it

[peachy]

thats a hard one...b/c after 4 years with someone...even if u dont have a broken home of your own - u do get attached to ur significant others family...and when u break up it makes the 1st holiday doubley worse. In most situations i would say dont take her...but if u make it clear that this doesnt mean anything i dont see a problem with it.

Its hard to be alone for anyone during the holidays and her situation is twice as worse as most...u were with her for 4 yrs so id imagine u two were pretty close. If the relationship ended on an ok note id take her...but if its mixed up and crazy and shes a lil clingy still id be warey. But like i said just make some boundries clear and say this doesnt mean anything towards ur relationship etc.

I dont think i could let her sit at home alone either...but if u dont WANT her there then dont...go with what u want...if a part of u wants her there as a "friend" invite her


The fact that she does have another offer makes me think shes trying to fuel things up again b/w u two or shes havin a hard time letting go...id encourage her to go with jeff was it?? Im afraid she wont and will sit at home though to get to u...so ur in a tough spot...like i said before base it on what u want and how ur friendship with her stands now

[durron597]

I agree with Blarg - I'm not going to rehash everything he said but I want to reemphasize that you broke up with her a long time ago now and she really should have moved on by this point.

[AustinDoug]

I don't think "the right thing to do" is clear at all. It would be a nice for you to invite her home. However, you have absolutely no obligation to do so and she isn't your responsibility any more. She wants to hang out with your family, but needs to understand that it's time for her to move on. I'm not sure inviting her for the holidays sends that message to her.

[diebitter]

You're all missing the point that he could saddle up one more time and then blame it on mistletoe and egg-nog.

[durron597]

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You're all missing the point that he could saddle up one more time and then blame it on mistletoe and egg-nog.

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I don't think he's concerned with this (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=3816063&page=0&fpart=all &vc=1)

[TheMetetron]

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You're all missing the point that he could saddle up one more time and then blame it on mistletoe and egg-nog.

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Same gf?

Yeah dude, you need to cut her loose like now.
I don't think he's concerned with this (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=3816063&page=0&fpart=all &vc=1)

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