If you thought your girlfriend had cheated on you...

[Mitch Hedberg]

what would it take for you to take it beyond suspicion, and to the point that you would either call her out on it or even break off a relationship of 2+ years?

I'm a regular poster here but don't feel like making this a public issue, but I'm concerned that my girlfriend may have cheated on me. I'm not sure that it was in the sense that she has developed feelings for someone else, but she has joined a sorority and since then has been incredibly secretive and very ready to reaffirm her love for me, which has begun to make me a little bit suspicious, because the combination of the two makes me think that she regrets doing something which might make me question her feelings for me. I would hate to ever think that she would do something behind my back, but I'm beginning to get the feeling that she has done something which she seriously regrets but won't admit to me. It would kill me to think that she had done something to jeopardize our relationship, but at the same time, if she were ever to lie to me about something like that, I think that it would be just as, if not more so, damaging to our relationship.

While I realize that it's pure suspicion that is leading me to believe that she might have done something behind my back, how much evidence do I need to ultimately address her with this issue?

[phixxx]

Sometimes I swear I'm gonna wear a beret. But I don't do it. Alright.

[PoBoy321]

Give this a shot. (http://www.quarterlifecrisis.com/index.shtml)

Just sit her down, stare into her soul, and determine the extent to which she is hiding something. Do this by bringing up the fact that she seems to be being secretive and seems to be withdrawn. Ask a relatively-vague question that can be connected to the subject of cheating, and then just remain silent. If she has guilt on her mind, the silence + you just looking at her can force it out. You'd be surprised.

[diebitter]

Captain Obvious states: Just ask, and explain why you're asking.

Thats a bad move until after the mind-[censored]-guilt-silence lets him stare into her soul

I'd play this more LAG:

I'd like to know why you are cheating on me....

I seen you with him the other day when i went to drop by...

Looking a bit cosy with him....

Also sorority, maybe shes getting into girls /images/graemlins/grin.gif.

If she flips out on you, just say you were kidding /images/graemlins/confused.gif ??

I dont think she will fold at all though, women think they are too clever.

[diebitter]

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Thats a bad move until after the mind-[censored]-guilt-silence lets him stare into her soul

[/ QUOTE ]
I just want the poor sap to get it over with quick, frankly. Looking for evidence will brew poison in his mind whatever the truth is.

Having said that, Bright is spot on here. Silence is a very powerful tool, that many (thank goodness) can't actually bear to apply.

Asking just hatches out the poisons (if any) quicker.

[KaneKungFu123]

Just rent a lie detector machine.

[ QUOTE ]
Just rent a lie detector machine.

[/ QUOTE ]
2 problems with this:

1) Getting her hooked up to it
2) Getting valid results

[SammyKid11]

Just ask and be honest about why you're asking. Listen, what you're expecting out of her is fidelity and honesty. It's difficult to have that expectation of her without living up to the honesty part yourself. Don't shadowbox with her on this -- your suspicions are not nearly warranted enough at this stage for you to be successful in that endeavor. You can't call her to the carpet on something because you have no idea what, if ANYTHING AT ALL, she's ever done.

It could be that she's been secretive because she's just joined a sorority, and they have some secret ritual crap about the sisterhood, etc. And it could be that she's acting more lovey-dovey towards you because her feelings for you are growing stronger...or it could be something you don't even know about (maybe some of the sorority sisters have made comments to her about how you're da bomb and she's getting clingy and protective because she realizes you're a hot commodity...yeah, probably not, but you never know).

Nevertheless, at the moment you have no evidence and pretty thin suspicions. Some of the "change" you sense in her could be YOUR insecurity with her joining a group of girls you don't know well or that you expect to sour her on your relationship...or your unease with her joining a group through which she'll likely meet a lot of new guys that you fear might take her away from you. Also, have YOU been unfaithful at all? Nothing causes suspicion of cheating like cheating yourself (obviously if you've been cheating, just do the right thing and break up with her).

But assuming you're on the up and up, all you can do is pick a good moment (when you're in private and have some time, not drunk, etc.) and say, "hey baby, I'm a little freaked out. From my perspective, you've been acting a little strange lately. It feels to me like you've been pretty secretive about your time and activities on the one hand...and then on the other hand you've grown more affectionate and romantic with me. While I enjoy the affection, it coupled with the growing secrecy is setting off some alarms in my head. Are you okay? Are we okay? Is there anything going on...or anything that has gone on...that you're not telling me about?"

If, instead of answering those questions, she becomes indignant that you asked at all...that, IMO, is a bad sign. Sure, if you're the insecure guy that's constantly asking where things are then I can see annoyance. But if you're a normal, confident guy who has honestly noticed some things that make you worry and you ask about it one time and she isn't understanding of that and totally reassuring of the fact that nothing is, in fact, going on and that you have nothing to worry about, etc., then I'd say things might be on the wrong track. In MY experience at least (and it's admittedly limited to the relatively few number of girls I've been in serious relationships with), a girl who's done nothing AND cares about you, if confronted in a non-threatening way, wants to tell you she's done nothing because she loves you and doesn't want you to worry unnecessarily. A girl who's done nothing but is ready to be done with you either way...might shadow-box with you or get angry that you asked, ie- allow it to cause huge a drama/argument. A girl who's done something will either come right out and tell you she's done something (because the cheating and then lying about it was weighing her down and she's ready for the relationship to be over)...OR...she'll totally dance around the issue in an indignant way, make the entire issue about the fact that you brought it up, etc.

In short, if you confront her in the right way and you get anything OTHER than an understanding, reassuring woman...you're in a bad boat, one way or another. It means she's cheated on you...or she's just not that into you to where she gives a crap how you're feeling (because worrying that your woman's cheating on you is just about the worst feeling in the world).

But don't be a dicktard...just ask her what's up and gauge her reactions with your ears and your eyes. I assume you play the unmentionable game...if you do so live with any success, you ought be decent at reading people's tells...especially a woman you've been with for 2+ years.

Bottom-line...you can't keep living in suspicion. If you do, YOU'LL F up the relationship before you ever even know whether anything happened. Ask her confidently but calmly and be prepared for the possible reactions she could have and what each reaction might mean for your future.

Also, remember that your girlfriend (and I assume you) are very young, you will likely have MANY significant relationships before you settle down, and even if she HAS cheated on you/wants out of the relationship, you'll probably be better off long-term by getting with lots of chicks until you're REALLY mature and ready to settle down, anyway.

But no reason to think this is necessarily the case. Be the man, be straightfoward...and good luck.

[ QUOTE ]

Also, remember that your girlfriend (and I assume you) are very young, you will likely have MANY significant relationships before you settle down, and even if she HAS cheated on you/wants out of the relationship, you'll probably be better off long-term by getting with lots of chicks until you're REALLY mature and ready to settle down, anyway.


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I like this part a lot

[cnfuzzd]

possibly the weakest use of a fake account ever. Either stop caring that your dumb bitch of a girlfriend is cheating on your, or man up and use your real name. please, PLEASE, dont use the name of a stand up artist who allowed many of us to laugh at, and mock, our own daily lives. BOO TO THIS POST

peace

john nickle

[SammyKid11]

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you'll probably be better off long-term by getting with lots of chicks at one time

[/ QUOTE ]

FMP

[cpitt398]

just bang someone else and call it even.

[Bluffoon]

Just keep your eyes and ears open. Make a decision and act on it. Don't be a wuss.

[Lazymeatball]

stop smoking pot, you'll be less paranoid.

[Arnfinn Madsen]

Actually, the damage is already done. Since you are suspicious, you will not regain happiness in the relationship until your suspicion goes away. And usually it does not get away until she can convince you that you are wrong, so you are left with little choice than to discuss it with her. This, of course, may lead to the end of the relationship even if she wasn't cheating, but still you have no real choice.

[ QUOTE ]
... she has joined a sorority and since then has been incredibly secretive and very ready to reaffirm her love for me, which has begun to make me a little bit suspicious...

[/ QUOTE ]
You sound a little paranoid and insecure at the moment. I would caution you not to go jumping to conclusions. If I were you I'd just focus on the fact that she is in love with you and I'd be excited about that, not go looking for reasons to want to dump her. Look forward not backwards. Two years is a long time and your relationship with her is clearly very important to you so don't go screwing it up with your insecurities and your imaginations that she's lied. Once you start thinking this way you'll never stop seeing the evidence of it.

[tdarko]

"i used to do drugs, i still do but i used to too, alright."

[eviljeff]

whatever you do, don't do a google image search of the word "cheaters" without the content filter on

[phixxx]

"My friend the other day said to me, Mitch, that tree is trippy. So I said, maybe it isn't the tree that is trippy, but it is the way that we perceive the tree that is indeed trippy. Then I thought, man, I should have just said 'yeah'."