Best cab driver stories [Archive] - Two Plus Two Older Archives

Phoenix1010

11-11-2005, 01:51 AM

Everyone's got a great one. Unfortunately, I can't remember my best so I'll just give the one from tonight.

Me: Hey how much did your cat cost?
My friend: I dunno, it was like 220 total.
Cabbie (out of nowhere): I hope she came with lube!
2 seconds of silence
Cabbie: Whoa where did that come from?

Later,

Cabbie: Yeah I gotta take my bitch to the movies one of these days, I can call her my bitch since we've been living together for 3 years, what do you guys recommend?

I'll try to remember some stories from back in the City (there's a cabbie named Butt Arie who we had a lot of fun with), what you guys got?

phixxx

11-11-2005, 01:53 AM

I accidentally told an Arab taxi driver that my friend was jewish. He wouldn't stop the cab, and started yelling. We left shortly after.

11-11-2005, 01:55 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I accidentally told an Arab taxi driver that my friend was jewish. He wouldn't stop the cab, and started yelling. We left shortly after.

[/ QUOTE ]

umm, how did you leave if he wouldnt stop the cab?

phixxx

11-11-2005, 01:57 AM

We told him forcefully to stop, and he finally did like two blocks away from where we needed to go. We shorted him and left. There were three of us, he would have been foolish to start something.

Edit: Fun.

Sponger15SB

11-11-2005, 02:01 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I accidentally told an Arab taxi driver that my friend was jewish. He wouldn't stop the cab, and started yelling. We left shortly after.

[/ QUOTE ]

Was this in Israel? Why would he care?

People are [censored] weirdos. Also, how did you accidentally tell him? Were you trying to keep a secret and it just slipped out. "Me and my jewish friend are trying to go...errr..I mean uh...totally christian non jewish friend are going to this bar..."

11-11-2005, 02:04 AM

When I went to visit the Citadel in S. Carolina I took a cab (along with my uncle, who was taking me to visit schools) to the hotel. The driver was a dirty looking guy, about 250 lbs, 6 ft +, long dirty blonde hair, generally the Jerry Springer typical cheating husband looking guy. Little did I know how close I was to the truth.

THis guy was the craziest driver I had ever met. He was swerving all over the place and began yelling at the top of his lungs about how he and his wife were offered to go on the Jerry Springer show one time. Turns out his daughter was having an affair with one of the guys who owned the same strip club where his wife worked. He got so angry about the story his driving got more erratic. Meanwhile my uncle and myself are smiling and nodding about "that whore who was working with Jed". It was surreal. We tipped extra at the end for fear of him killing us for a small tip.

Also, he told us that Jerry Springer offers people a sheetload of money to go on. He turned down the offer though, didn't want to look like "trash".

Sponger15SB

11-11-2005, 02:06 AM

Here was a conversation I had with a taxi cab driver a few months ago...

Cabdriver: Where to?

Sponger: Uh.. gay bar, please?

Cabdriver: So, you're gay, huh?

Sponger: Well.. let me put it to you this way: I am gay, but my wife and three sons don't know about it!

Cabdriver: So, you keep it a secret, do you?

Sponger: Well, yeah. Basically, what I try to do is act real manly in front of people I know. Hell, I'll even make fun of gay guys at work, just to make it look like I don't like gay people! But I like 'em.. I like 'em a lot! And, tonight, I plan on showing at least five of them how much I like them - if you catch my drift! Right?

Cabdriver: Yeah. So, in summary, you're gonna have sex with a lot of gay men tonight?

Sponger: Exactamundo!

Cabdriver: I mean, what's the harm, as long as your family never finds out about it.

Sponger: Right-o!

11-11-2005, 02:07 AM

it was probably like austin powers 3.

he gets in the cab...

"Oh, God. Mehi, dont tell him you're Jewish... he might refuse to stop if he knew you were Jewish, you know because he might not like Jews, and if he knew you were Jewish he might get mad, so we'll avoid telling him you're Jewish."

(awkward pause) "HES A JEW!!!!" "JEWWIE JEWWIE JEW!!!"

phixxx

11-11-2005, 01:52 PM

Haha, my jewish friend was being jewish and trying to get the guy to stop early so he didn't have to pay as much. I was foolish enough to say 'Don't mind him, he's jewish.' This is when the cab driver proceeded to flip out and start yelling in a language I could not understand. Hahahah.

duk

11-11-2005, 01:57 PM

Perhaps the cab driver was a Jew forced to leave Iran during the revolution, and he was cursing at you in Farsi not to be so anti-semitic.

SL__72

11-11-2005, 02:13 PM

I don't take a ton of cab rides... and when I do I'm often in no state to remember them, but...

A couple weeks ago we got a cabbie who must have been drunk or something. First he took a right turn at a stopsign at like 15MPH (that was as slow as he got).

Later, the light we needed to turn left at turned red right in front of us. He swerved and almost without slowing down turned right, whipped a Uey and sped straight through the green. On both right turns my 280 pound friend was thrown up in the air onto my 160 pound friend (I was in front chatting w/ crazie cabbie)

DrCool

11-11-2005, 02:24 PM

Last year in Vegas a friend of mine and I were in a cab and we pulled up to an intersection somewhere behind the strip. We were making a right turn and there was a right turn lane and a car was in front of us. The light was red and the traffic was light but the car in front of us just wouldn't take his free right hand turn. The cab driver gave him a little honk on the horn to wake him up. Nothing obnoxious, just a little reminder. The door to the car flys open and this little 50 yr old asian man comes running back to the cab.

In broken english he starts cursing and screaming about how it was a red light, we should be having carnal relations with out mothers, we should perform sexual acts with ourselves that are physically impossible, etc. The guy was flipping out for no reason and he starts pounding on the windows.

The cab driver hits the gas, almost runs over the guy, and comes within about an inch of tearing the guys door off as he zips past his car and takes a right hand turn. The asian guy jumps into his vehicle and starts chasing us. He is weaving in and out of traffic and almost killing everyone on the road. A couple times it looked like he was going to ram us.

After a couple minutes of this the cab driver cuts across 2 or 3 lanes of traffic to pull into the Mirage where he knew the guy wouldn't follow because of security. After our hearts stop pounding the driver takes us to our hotel so we can pick up our bags and takes us to the airport.

On the way to the airport he shows us a book he wrote about crazy Vegas cab stories (4 chicks making out in the back of his cab, a chick that wouldn't ride in his cab unless she could give him a blow job while he was driving, the 2 hot chicks that grabbed a nasty guy from a bus stop and took care of him in the backseat, etc). Crazy time.

My second best Vegas cab story is far behind that but it involves a cab driver watching the Passion of the Christ DVD and cursing like a sailor the whole time. Pretty funny.

fyodor

11-11-2005, 02:41 PM

I know a cpl guys who were taking a cab home after a night of drinking. It was very late and not a lot of traffic. They are approaching a red light and ask the cab driver to just run it and they will tip him an extra $10. So he runs it.

As they approach another red light they offer another $10 and he does it again. They are hooting and hollering and the cab driver is getting in to it.

On about the 4th try a car comes through from the left and t-bones them. Everyone is unhurt but the guys get out, swear at the cab driver for being an a-hole and leave without paying.

I didn't think this part was cool. They should have paid.

phil_ivey_fan

11-11-2005, 06:24 PM

1) big group leaving the bars to go home in a van cab. I'm sitting in the way back row and have to pee. So I pee'd over the seat.

2) leaving the bar with really drunk friend and a couple of people I dont know well. my friend is in the front seat and is in bad shape like he's about to puke. He's just sitting there drooped over and spitting on the floor right beside the cabby. The cabby starts yelling at him. My friend (big guy +6ft 230ish) starts yelling back "Dude, I'm not gonna puke in your cab, STFU!!". The cabby shuts up and my friend continues to spit on the guys floor all the way back to campus.

RatFink

11-11-2005, 09:35 PM

Bunch of guys driving around looking for some ladies of the evening and all they can find is some pretty bottom of the barrell desperate-types. They pull up at a light next to a grizzly old cab driver and roll down the window and ask him "Hey where are the high-class BJ girls?" Without missing a beat he says "they gonna be sucking your d--- how high class can they be??"

eviljeff

11-11-2005, 11:04 PM

[ QUOTE ]
how did you accidentally tell him? Were you trying to keep a secret and it just slipped out. "Me and my jewish friend are trying to go...errr..I mean uh...totally christian non jewish friend are going to this bar..."

[/ QUOTE ]

right, because Arabs love Christians.

Peca277

11-12-2005, 12:28 AM

Me and three of my friends are in Vegas for the first time and check out downtown. After we looked around for a bit we decide it's time to head back to the strip so we wait for a cab outside Binion's.

Minivan cab sees us waiting and stops to pick us up, we get in and say we're heading back to Bally's. We're about to leave when all of a sudden another cab pulls up and stops right in front of ours so we can't go anywhere.

That cabbie, a scary ethiopian dude, comes over to our cab and opens the back door and tries to pull my friend out before he starts yelling at our cabbie for taking his customers. "I've been waiting here for an hour you have no [censored] right to take them, blah blah blah" Our cabbie proceeds to yell out more racial slurs in the span of 30 seconds than I ever imagined possible. My friend smartly closes the door before scary ethiopian dude can pull him out. Our cabbie almost hits the dude's cab and nearly runs him over as we jet out of there as fast as possible. The racial slurs continue for the next five minutes as we all look at each other wondering... "WHAT THE [censored] JUST HAPPENED?!?!?"

TheMetetron

11-12-2005, 12:41 AM

*PAGING SHANT*

ethan

11-12-2005, 12:52 AM

5 years ago, give or take, I took a cab to LAX. My cabbie was 40-45, male, and (apparently) Iranian. He started talking about his girlfriend, whom he was supporting because she'd come over from Iran and didn't have a job yet. There was some awkward conversation, and eventually he asked me if I wanted to see her picture. Not wanting to be impolite, I went along with it...

...she was maybe 14. And very naked.

MD2020

11-12-2005, 12:53 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Here was a conversation I had with a taxi cab driver a few months ago...

Cabdriver: Where to?

Sponger: Uh.. gay bar, please?

Cabdriver: So, you're gay, huh?

Sponger: Well.. let me put it to you this way: I am gay, but my wife and three sons don't know about it!

Cabdriver: So, you keep it a secret, do you?

Sponger: Well, yeah. Basically, what I try to do is act real manly in front of people I know. Hell, I'll even make fun of gay guys at work, just to make it look like I don't like gay people! But I like 'em.. I like 'em a lot! And, tonight, I plan on showing at least five of them how much I like them - if you catch my drift! Right?

Cabdriver: Yeah. So, in summary, you're gonna have sex with a lot of gay men tonight?

Sponger: Exactamundo!

Cabdriver: I mean, what's the harm, as long as your family never finds out about it.

Sponger: Right-o!

[/ QUOTE ]

You should look out, or you might come back with anal warts.

Klepton

11-12-2005, 12:59 AM

[ QUOTE ]
*PAGING SHANT*

[/ QUOTE ]

Notorious G.O.B.

11-12-2005, 01:52 AM

[ QUOTE ]
1) big group leaving the bars to go home in a van cab. I'm sitting in the way back row and have to pee. So I pee'd over the seat.

[/ QUOTE ]
I think you're looking for the 'Most persuasive arguments in favor of prohibition' thread.

B Dids

11-12-2005, 02:10 AM

I was there for half of this, but yeah

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
*PAGING SHANT*

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]

tonypaladino

11-12-2005, 03:44 AM

This summer I flew in from Florida with my sister and parents, and we got a yellow cab at JFK. This old pakistani cab driver looked like he was 100 years old and had on this think ass glasses and had to lean way up towards the windshield, like he couldn't see if he didn't.

To get from the airport to my house in Brooklyn is pretty straightforward, and we were all tired since our flight was an hour late getting in and we weren't paying any attention to where he was going. So I glance out the window and see a sign for LaGuardia Airport, which is on the other side of town, in the complete opposite direction to where I live.

So I start going "what the [censored]? where are you going?" and the driver's ignoring me, so I say "dude, where are we going?" and he just says "patience please sir". So my mom starts yelling at the guy, saying you're going the wrong way, and all the guy keeps saying is "patience please" over and over again. So we're on the LIE now somehow, and we see a sign for the BQE, and I tell the guy to take this exit and the [censored] drives right past it.

So now I'm mad as hell, and I start screaming at the guy to stop the cab, and when he comes back with a "patience please" I open the car door as we're going 50 on the expressway and force him to pull over to the shoulder. I jump out and start screaming at the guy to get out of the cab, and that one of us was gonna drive the rest of the way. (I'm pretty drink from the flight still, but I think this is how it happened) What I do remember clearly is that I started really freaking out on the side of the highway and my father and sister had to hold me back because I was trying to knock the [censored] out of the cabbie.

Eventually we got back in the cab and the guy found his way back to the BQE and got to my house. In the end the meter wound up reading $80. We gave the guy $50 and I said something like "Hey, you wanna tip? Go [censored] yourself!" and kept cursing him out until he drove off.

TheMetetron

11-12-2005, 04:26 AM

You weren't in our cab were you?

I thought it was just me, klepton, shant, mslif, and jason_t... maybe I'm confused.

That was seriously the best cab ride ever.

cnfuzzd

11-12-2005, 06:23 AM

see my night in a bottle post, or any of the vegas cab stories.

peace

john nickle

Phoenix1010

11-12-2005, 03:44 PM

So what's the story?

Rootabager

11-12-2005, 03:46 PM

Visiting a friend in Columbus Ohio I got a cab ride home from the bar. The driver kept pulling out in front of people and driving so crazy. So when we got back to my house I refused to pay him for driving so bad. He started talking [censored] so I dragged him out of his car and beat the [censored] out of him. Then I took a piss on his car.

11-12-2005, 03:57 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Visiting a friend in Columbus Ohio I got a cab ride home from the bar. The driver kept pulling out in front of people and driving so crazy. So when we got back to my house I refused to pay him for driving so bad. He started talking [censored] so I dragged him out of his car and beat the [censored] out of him. Then I took a piss on his car.

[/ QUOTE ]

Did you and your frat brothers high five each other after that?

Phoenix1010

11-12-2005, 03:58 PM

Yeah, same thing happened to me, except after I beat him up and pissed on his car, he did this kind of throaty call that sounded like a dying emu, I guess it's the cab driver signal. An army of cabbies attacked me from all sides but I bludgeoned them all with my enormous penis. I then went to the original cabbie's house and slapped his mother and had sex with his wife.

B Dids

11-12-2005, 04:09 PM

I was in a cab later, where the fun progressed. It's basically part 2 to the part 1 that you experienced.

JordanIB

11-12-2005, 06:07 PM

Wow. You're a prick.

[ QUOTE ]
This summer I flew in from Florida with my sister and parents, and we got a yellow cab at JFK. This old pakistani cab driver looked like he was 100 years old and had on this think ass glasses and had to lean way up towards the windshield, like he couldn't see if he didn't.

To get from the airport to my house in Brooklyn is pretty straightforward, and we were all tired since our flight was an hour late getting in and we weren't paying any attention to where he was going. So I glance out the window and see a sign for LaGuardia Airport, which is on the other side of town, in the complete opposite direction to where I live.

So I start going "what the [censored]? where are you going?" and the driver's ignoring me, so I say "dude, where are we going?" and he just says "patience please sir". So my mom starts yelling at the guy, saying you're going the wrong way, and all the guy keeps saying is "patience please" over and over again. So we're on the LIE now somehow, and we see a sign for the BQE, and I tell the guy to take this exit and the [censored] drives right past it.

So now I'm mad as hell, and I start screaming at the guy to stop the cab, and when he comes back with a "patience please" I open the car door as we're going 50 on the expressway and force him to pull over to the shoulder. I jump out and start screaming at the guy to get out of the cab, and that one of us was gonna drive the rest of the way. (I'm pretty drink from the flight still, but I think this is how it happened) What I do remember clearly is that I started really freaking out on the side of the highway and my father and sister had to hold me back because I was trying to knock the [censored] out of the cabbie.

Eventually we got back in the cab and the guy found his way back to the BQE and got to my house. In the end the meter wound up reading $80. We gave the guy $50 and I said something like "Hey, you wanna tip? Go [censored] yourself!" and kept cursing him out until he drove off.

[/ QUOTE ]

JihadOnTheRiver

11-12-2005, 06:24 PM

I have declared Jihad on many a cab driver (exact quote "Jihad") in my day. The last one called the cops on me. I probably deserved it.

-Jihad

shant

11-12-2005, 06:25 PM

There's really no way to do the guy justice. He was a probably mid-late 70's aged Romanian guy who was probably the most entertaining person I've ever rode in a car with. He picked us up at Bellagio.

He opened by asking me where I was from then told a degrading joke about my race. He segued that into a story about taking "BLAOU BLAOU POW POW" from a woman for a ride because the lady got into the cab and said she had no money. He went into details on that. I then told him I had no money. He didn't like my BLAU BLAU offer.

We cursed at some people in the street and he honked at people that I asked him to. At this point he took us to the Paris, we were going to the Wynn. I think at this point he told us how much he doesn't like Mexicans. Metetron who was riding with us is Mexican.

We drove around some more and he told us about how he took his wife to Catalina and F'd her on the beach until she squirted. He went on about squirting.

Then we passed by a car accident and he speculated that Mexicans had somehow caused it. I asked him if he'd consider adopting me as a grandson and he told me he already had two. I felt slightly rejected. He honked at one of the cars in the accident, a cab, and yelled something at the cab driver.

We drove past the Wynn and he took us to The Venetian. I let him know we wanted to go to the Wynn. He mumbled and said something about Mexicans. I asked him to divulge his secrets on how to make women squirt and he told me but I forgot what he said. I was drunk.

He took us to the Wynn finally and I told him I /images/graemlins/heart.gif'd him. I knew I couldn't do that guy justice here.