Dominic
11-07-2005, 04:08 PM
DOMINIC'S MANIFESTO
on sex and relationships
part 2
When I was growing up, my father would drill into me the tenents of Being a Man: treat women like they're special; a man always pays for a woman; women are pure and fragile, and should be treated as such...
in short - always be a Gentleman.
Well, I love and respect my Dad, so naturally, I followed his advice. All through high school, college and all the way into my 30s, I was a Gentleman.
I always treated women with deference and respect.
I always paid - drinks, dinner...hell as long as I was in the company of the fairer sex, not a one of them ever had to pay.
First dates were always extravagant dinners at only the best restaurants (that I could afford).
When it came to sex, I would rarely innitiate anything, so as not to offend the poor girl. And then, only if I was getting signals so obvious, a dead man could see them.
So where did all this gentlemanly behaviour get me?
With lots of girls who loved being taken out and wined and dined, but who would seemingly never want to actually date me. Oh sure, I got laid now and then, had a couple of serious relationships, fell in love.
But I started to feel...well, used. I'd look at some of my [censored] friends and see them get laid all the time - hell, usually with the girls I was spending my paychecks on! What the hell?? I'M paying for your goddamned dinner, I'M the one treating you with repect, I'M the one you call when your car breaks down and you need a ride.
I'm the guy you always say you want, the one who's nice and kind and always there for you, a good listener, a nice guy. I'm a GENTLEMAN, goddammit!
Why are you fuking the assholes?
I can't remember the turning point in my dating life, the epiphany that shocked my world view, or exactly when I decide my dear 'ol Dad was full of [censored].
All I know, is that I had had enough. I was tired of being taken advantage of, I was tired of being a pussy. I was tired of being the "nice guy." You remember Jon Favreau in Swingers? I was tired of being him. I wanted to be Vince Vaughn.
So what did I do? Did I become a complete and utter [censored]? Am I now that guy you hate - loud, obnoxious at parties, always hitting on every available and unavailable woman in the hopes of a getting laid by sheer brute force of numbers?
Of course not. I just changed my attitude a little. I stopped taking women out to expensive dinners on a first date. I stopped paying for girls at bars, at lunch, wherever - unless we were actually on a date. No more going to the cool cafe with the chick who used to bang my best friend and who I have a crush on, hanging out, listening to her bitch about her ex and the new guy she's sleeping with - and paying for her meal.
No more going out with any girl at any time unless it was abundantly clear that this is a date! And there was a distinct possibility of sexual activity at some point in the evening.
I made sure that a girl knew I was interested in her romantically, sexually, more than "buddies." There was no possibility of miscommunication in this matter.
And it was amazing how this turned my sex life - and my dating life - around.
And you know what, I'm still a Gentleman.
I hold doors for women, I do treat them with respect - but no more or less than anyone else, regardless of gender. I'm not a complete [censored]. Only a little bit of one.
Like I said, I'm still a Gentleman. Only now, I know when it's time to not be a gentlman.
You can do it to. You don't have to be a pussy, and you don't have to be a total prick. You just have to embrace your inner [censored].
How to do that? Simple:
1) Never pay for a girl who is not on a date with you.
2) Always be upfront and honest about your intentions. Girls are incredibly attracted to confidence and a man who is straight forward and knows what he wants. Hell, it even turns her on when she knows what you want is her, and you aren't ashamed or afraid to say so.
3) You can ask a girl out twice. If she makes an excuse both times, you do not ask her out again. Ever. You move on. Next.
4) You don't listen to girls bitch about the other guy(s) they are sleeping with. That's what her girlfriends are for. Remind her, you are not her girlfriend.
5) While you should make sure she knows of your interest in her, you can't make it so you seem desperate for her. Yes, you're interested. Is she? No? Next! THAT'S your attitude.
Those of you have heard Tom Leykis will say I'm just repeating his advice. While I do think a lot of what he says has merit, I'm interested in more than just getting you laid. I assume a lot of you want relationships, too. And that's what I mostly want to give advice on.
So stop being a doormat. Stop waiting for the girl across the room to make the first move. That's your job. I know it's scary, I know it sucks to get turned down, but believe me, it feels a hell of a lot better than going home, alone, knowing you never even took the shot. Be a Gentleman. But be a little bit of an [censored], too. It'll work wonders.
***********
And now for a couple of questions for Dr. Dom...
This poster prefers to remain annonymous:
Dear Dr. Dom,
I'd like to get your thoughts on something. Once you've been in a relationship with a girl, and she's cheated on you, do you think it could ever work out in the future?
I won't go into the background too much as I think its probably not necessary, but at the end of highschool and through college I was involved with a girl. Dated for about 2.5 years. In the end I learned the truth behind the "long distance relationships don't work in college" reality, and she got too drunk one night and hooked up with someone. I basically cut her out of my life for the next year and half or so. To this day, a few years later, we still don't ever really talk. I've discussed this with friends and I don't think I could ever truly have a relationship with someone who's done that to me. Some have said that it might in fact work years later. Anyway, I'm curious as to your thoughts. I think this situation happens a lot and that the guys often have to man up, face reality, and realize that if this girl does something once, no matter how many years in the future, you'll still be the guy who let her cheat on me and then still take her back, even if its years later.
This is a tough one. Lots of extenuating circumstances here - long distance relationship, you were both still in school, etc. Were you really a "couple" or just seeing each other? Guess it doesn't matter, because it still feels like you've been cheated on, either way, right?
My opinion on taking back a cheater is this: it's an extremely personal matter. Can you forgive and forget? A drunken episode in college does not make a wanton slut out of any girl, and if she's sincerely remoresful and if you can really let it go, then yes, I do think trying again can work.
Everyone makes mistakes - expecially in college - that's what college is for.
But what you have to be brutally honest with yourself is this: can your ego really let it go? Can you be man and not have the thought of her boning some other guy get to you, and thus, ruin your relationship? Not many men can.
My personal feelings regarding cheating is, the relationship is over. I've never been cheated on, to the best of knowledge, but I don't think I could forgive someone that kind of breech of trust. But you never know. Love is a powerful force.
So my gut on this one is telling me this: if you truly love her, you can forgive her. If she's just an ex you're still interested in, still want to bone, still want to see what might happen....then no, I don't think it can work.
*******
Dear Dr. Dom,
Allright here goes. Yes this is a gimmick account, I am lame.
I'm 21 years old and I can't get it up. Not because I'm physically unable to, but because I don't get sexually excited anymore. It used to be that I got excited whenever I saw a bikini on TV. Now I don't even get excited when a beautiful naked girl wants to have sex with me. I'll get it up but not 100% and not for long. She gave me a blowjob and even that barely excited me. All I can get off to is porn and my own hand. What on earth should I do??? I tried not masturbating for a week, but I cracked down and did it anyway last night. Try longer? There must be another solution - it must be possible to both masturbate a few times a week AND be capable of sex, right? Please, any insight would be helpful.
Serious problem, and one I would take up with your doctor. You need to rule out the possibility it's a physiological problem, and not a psychological one.
But I'll take a stab at it. Could be, you've "trained" yourself to only be able to get excited through porn and your own hand. It happens. You need to find a girl who you trust, and work it out together. Letting her know of your problem might just release all that pressure you are putting on yourself to perform. Believe me, performance anxity is nothing to laugh about - it WILL keep you from performing. It's a viscious circle. If you have a girl you can try different things with, it can become a fun game - "let's see what will keep Charlie hard the longest." Also, try concentrating on her pleasure - oral, hands, etc. That also might relieve a bit of the performance anxiety you are suffering from.
Mostly though, you do need to see a doctor. Do not be ashamed of this problem. Literally MILLIONS of men suffer from sexual dysfunction in some form or another. Who do you think is buying all that Viagra??
Go see your doctor.
******
This next one's from RRRRICK:
Hi Dom
I love the idea of your Dr DOM column and i think many of us can benifit from your guidance
I'd like your opinion here?
This is the situation
I have a relationship with this woman that exists because of work. I am her client in a supplier/client relationship.
She's 30 I'm 31.
She's intelligent, mature, lot's of fun and of course pretty damm cute.
To cut a long story short we have a very laid back working relationship which is full of banter and loads of flirting.
Is it possible that this could go somewhere and if so what's the best approach?
Or is it just a case of two people pushing eachother because they understand the boundaries and know that it can't go anywhere?
There's one added hurdle, one of my co workers was once upon a time engaged to her...hmmm
Thanks,
Rick
Well, Dr. Dom doesn't like to pee where he eats, you know? But I think this completely depends on your work environment, the rules your business has against frtaternization, etc.
Even so, like I said....your job is your job. Do you want to endanger you livliehood for a piece of tail? Remember, flirting is only flirting. Until one party no longer wants to flirt. Then, it's sexual harrassment.
********
Here's another annonymous one:
Hey Dr. Dom,
I am a 3rd year university student studying bio-psychology. I am 5'9, 160 pounds, work out regularly and am told I am cute/good looking. Just about everyone I know says I am quick witted, very funny as well as very social.
But I can't get laid. I have oppurtunities to, but all are with girl friends who want something more, a serious commitment and I generally don't find them to attractive. I think I should be with a girl who is pretty hot, as most people expect this of me and I consider myself a good catch. Once in a while I will meet a girl in a bar or club, fool around with her and get her msn/phone number, but nothing ever materializes there. It always seems like something is about to happen, but then the girl does something stupid, like show up late for something, is involved with another guy, or asks me to do something and I have the "its my way or the high way attitude", as girls supposedly respond better to that. And in my experience it is true (though its not working to well overall hence this letter). I am very frustrated, as most people on here post about how easy it is to get laid in university, and a lot of my friends are sleeping with girls left and right. Most people think I am doing great, but I am barely keeping my head above water.
Any advice you have would be very much appreciated.
Well, I know it's frustrating. But without knowing what you're doing or not doing correctly, I really can't give you much advice.
Although, "my way or the highway" may be a litttle strong....you should have confidence, be a man and all that, but there's no need to be a dick. Maybe you're rubbing these girls the wrong way with your attitude. You still need to be nice and not just an [censored].
Or, take a break from girls for awhile. Concentrate on your studies. Or a sport. Or poker. Sometimes when you stop looking for something, you finally find it.
*******
And finally, from a fan....
You're the man, great stuff in Dr. Dom #1.
Seriously though, can you teach me to be like you?
Can I be your apprentice?
Dr. Dom is always taking applications for interns. The job entails sifting through the hate mail, returning phone calls to all the women who want Dr. Dom, but who, sadly, will never have him now that he is taken, and, lancing the boils on his butt. If you want the position, it's yours.
**********
Remember, you can always PM Dr. Dom and ask him for advice:
Dr. Dom (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/sendprivate.php?Cat=0)
And thanks for reading!
on sex and relationships
part 2
When I was growing up, my father would drill into me the tenents of Being a Man: treat women like they're special; a man always pays for a woman; women are pure and fragile, and should be treated as such...
in short - always be a Gentleman.
Well, I love and respect my Dad, so naturally, I followed his advice. All through high school, college and all the way into my 30s, I was a Gentleman.
I always treated women with deference and respect.
I always paid - drinks, dinner...hell as long as I was in the company of the fairer sex, not a one of them ever had to pay.
First dates were always extravagant dinners at only the best restaurants (that I could afford).
When it came to sex, I would rarely innitiate anything, so as not to offend the poor girl. And then, only if I was getting signals so obvious, a dead man could see them.
So where did all this gentlemanly behaviour get me?
With lots of girls who loved being taken out and wined and dined, but who would seemingly never want to actually date me. Oh sure, I got laid now and then, had a couple of serious relationships, fell in love.
But I started to feel...well, used. I'd look at some of my [censored] friends and see them get laid all the time - hell, usually with the girls I was spending my paychecks on! What the hell?? I'M paying for your goddamned dinner, I'M the one treating you with repect, I'M the one you call when your car breaks down and you need a ride.
I'm the guy you always say you want, the one who's nice and kind and always there for you, a good listener, a nice guy. I'm a GENTLEMAN, goddammit!
Why are you fuking the assholes?
I can't remember the turning point in my dating life, the epiphany that shocked my world view, or exactly when I decide my dear 'ol Dad was full of [censored].
All I know, is that I had had enough. I was tired of being taken advantage of, I was tired of being a pussy. I was tired of being the "nice guy." You remember Jon Favreau in Swingers? I was tired of being him. I wanted to be Vince Vaughn.
So what did I do? Did I become a complete and utter [censored]? Am I now that guy you hate - loud, obnoxious at parties, always hitting on every available and unavailable woman in the hopes of a getting laid by sheer brute force of numbers?
Of course not. I just changed my attitude a little. I stopped taking women out to expensive dinners on a first date. I stopped paying for girls at bars, at lunch, wherever - unless we were actually on a date. No more going to the cool cafe with the chick who used to bang my best friend and who I have a crush on, hanging out, listening to her bitch about her ex and the new guy she's sleeping with - and paying for her meal.
No more going out with any girl at any time unless it was abundantly clear that this is a date! And there was a distinct possibility of sexual activity at some point in the evening.
I made sure that a girl knew I was interested in her romantically, sexually, more than "buddies." There was no possibility of miscommunication in this matter.
And it was amazing how this turned my sex life - and my dating life - around.
And you know what, I'm still a Gentleman.
I hold doors for women, I do treat them with respect - but no more or less than anyone else, regardless of gender. I'm not a complete [censored]. Only a little bit of one.
Like I said, I'm still a Gentleman. Only now, I know when it's time to not be a gentlman.
You can do it to. You don't have to be a pussy, and you don't have to be a total prick. You just have to embrace your inner [censored].
How to do that? Simple:
1) Never pay for a girl who is not on a date with you.
2) Always be upfront and honest about your intentions. Girls are incredibly attracted to confidence and a man who is straight forward and knows what he wants. Hell, it even turns her on when she knows what you want is her, and you aren't ashamed or afraid to say so.
3) You can ask a girl out twice. If she makes an excuse both times, you do not ask her out again. Ever. You move on. Next.
4) You don't listen to girls bitch about the other guy(s) they are sleeping with. That's what her girlfriends are for. Remind her, you are not her girlfriend.
5) While you should make sure she knows of your interest in her, you can't make it so you seem desperate for her. Yes, you're interested. Is she? No? Next! THAT'S your attitude.
Those of you have heard Tom Leykis will say I'm just repeating his advice. While I do think a lot of what he says has merit, I'm interested in more than just getting you laid. I assume a lot of you want relationships, too. And that's what I mostly want to give advice on.
So stop being a doormat. Stop waiting for the girl across the room to make the first move. That's your job. I know it's scary, I know it sucks to get turned down, but believe me, it feels a hell of a lot better than going home, alone, knowing you never even took the shot. Be a Gentleman. But be a little bit of an [censored], too. It'll work wonders.
***********
And now for a couple of questions for Dr. Dom...
This poster prefers to remain annonymous:
Dear Dr. Dom,
I'd like to get your thoughts on something. Once you've been in a relationship with a girl, and she's cheated on you, do you think it could ever work out in the future?
I won't go into the background too much as I think its probably not necessary, but at the end of highschool and through college I was involved with a girl. Dated for about 2.5 years. In the end I learned the truth behind the "long distance relationships don't work in college" reality, and she got too drunk one night and hooked up with someone. I basically cut her out of my life for the next year and half or so. To this day, a few years later, we still don't ever really talk. I've discussed this with friends and I don't think I could ever truly have a relationship with someone who's done that to me. Some have said that it might in fact work years later. Anyway, I'm curious as to your thoughts. I think this situation happens a lot and that the guys often have to man up, face reality, and realize that if this girl does something once, no matter how many years in the future, you'll still be the guy who let her cheat on me and then still take her back, even if its years later.
This is a tough one. Lots of extenuating circumstances here - long distance relationship, you were both still in school, etc. Were you really a "couple" or just seeing each other? Guess it doesn't matter, because it still feels like you've been cheated on, either way, right?
My opinion on taking back a cheater is this: it's an extremely personal matter. Can you forgive and forget? A drunken episode in college does not make a wanton slut out of any girl, and if she's sincerely remoresful and if you can really let it go, then yes, I do think trying again can work.
Everyone makes mistakes - expecially in college - that's what college is for.
But what you have to be brutally honest with yourself is this: can your ego really let it go? Can you be man and not have the thought of her boning some other guy get to you, and thus, ruin your relationship? Not many men can.
My personal feelings regarding cheating is, the relationship is over. I've never been cheated on, to the best of knowledge, but I don't think I could forgive someone that kind of breech of trust. But you never know. Love is a powerful force.
So my gut on this one is telling me this: if you truly love her, you can forgive her. If she's just an ex you're still interested in, still want to bone, still want to see what might happen....then no, I don't think it can work.
*******
Dear Dr. Dom,
Allright here goes. Yes this is a gimmick account, I am lame.
I'm 21 years old and I can't get it up. Not because I'm physically unable to, but because I don't get sexually excited anymore. It used to be that I got excited whenever I saw a bikini on TV. Now I don't even get excited when a beautiful naked girl wants to have sex with me. I'll get it up but not 100% and not for long. She gave me a blowjob and even that barely excited me. All I can get off to is porn and my own hand. What on earth should I do??? I tried not masturbating for a week, but I cracked down and did it anyway last night. Try longer? There must be another solution - it must be possible to both masturbate a few times a week AND be capable of sex, right? Please, any insight would be helpful.
Serious problem, and one I would take up with your doctor. You need to rule out the possibility it's a physiological problem, and not a psychological one.
But I'll take a stab at it. Could be, you've "trained" yourself to only be able to get excited through porn and your own hand. It happens. You need to find a girl who you trust, and work it out together. Letting her know of your problem might just release all that pressure you are putting on yourself to perform. Believe me, performance anxity is nothing to laugh about - it WILL keep you from performing. It's a viscious circle. If you have a girl you can try different things with, it can become a fun game - "let's see what will keep Charlie hard the longest." Also, try concentrating on her pleasure - oral, hands, etc. That also might relieve a bit of the performance anxiety you are suffering from.
Mostly though, you do need to see a doctor. Do not be ashamed of this problem. Literally MILLIONS of men suffer from sexual dysfunction in some form or another. Who do you think is buying all that Viagra??
Go see your doctor.
******
This next one's from RRRRICK:
Hi Dom
I love the idea of your Dr DOM column and i think many of us can benifit from your guidance
I'd like your opinion here?
This is the situation
I have a relationship with this woman that exists because of work. I am her client in a supplier/client relationship.
She's 30 I'm 31.
She's intelligent, mature, lot's of fun and of course pretty damm cute.
To cut a long story short we have a very laid back working relationship which is full of banter and loads of flirting.
Is it possible that this could go somewhere and if so what's the best approach?
Or is it just a case of two people pushing eachother because they understand the boundaries and know that it can't go anywhere?
There's one added hurdle, one of my co workers was once upon a time engaged to her...hmmm
Thanks,
Rick
Well, Dr. Dom doesn't like to pee where he eats, you know? But I think this completely depends on your work environment, the rules your business has against frtaternization, etc.
Even so, like I said....your job is your job. Do you want to endanger you livliehood for a piece of tail? Remember, flirting is only flirting. Until one party no longer wants to flirt. Then, it's sexual harrassment.
********
Here's another annonymous one:
Hey Dr. Dom,
I am a 3rd year university student studying bio-psychology. I am 5'9, 160 pounds, work out regularly and am told I am cute/good looking. Just about everyone I know says I am quick witted, very funny as well as very social.
But I can't get laid. I have oppurtunities to, but all are with girl friends who want something more, a serious commitment and I generally don't find them to attractive. I think I should be with a girl who is pretty hot, as most people expect this of me and I consider myself a good catch. Once in a while I will meet a girl in a bar or club, fool around with her and get her msn/phone number, but nothing ever materializes there. It always seems like something is about to happen, but then the girl does something stupid, like show up late for something, is involved with another guy, or asks me to do something and I have the "its my way or the high way attitude", as girls supposedly respond better to that. And in my experience it is true (though its not working to well overall hence this letter). I am very frustrated, as most people on here post about how easy it is to get laid in university, and a lot of my friends are sleeping with girls left and right. Most people think I am doing great, but I am barely keeping my head above water.
Any advice you have would be very much appreciated.
Well, I know it's frustrating. But without knowing what you're doing or not doing correctly, I really can't give you much advice.
Although, "my way or the highway" may be a litttle strong....you should have confidence, be a man and all that, but there's no need to be a dick. Maybe you're rubbing these girls the wrong way with your attitude. You still need to be nice and not just an [censored].
Or, take a break from girls for awhile. Concentrate on your studies. Or a sport. Or poker. Sometimes when you stop looking for something, you finally find it.
*******
And finally, from a fan....
You're the man, great stuff in Dr. Dom #1.
Seriously though, can you teach me to be like you?
Can I be your apprentice?
Dr. Dom is always taking applications for interns. The job entails sifting through the hate mail, returning phone calls to all the women who want Dr. Dom, but who, sadly, will never have him now that he is taken, and, lancing the boils on his butt. If you want the position, it's yours.
**********
Remember, you can always PM Dr. Dom and ask him for advice:
Dr. Dom (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/sendprivate.php?Cat=0)
And thanks for reading!