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LSUfan1
11-01-2005, 05:46 PM
Ok, so here is my dilema: I have been married for 13 years, and my wife seems to have no sex drive at all. When I say none, I mean we have sex on average about once per quarter!

Now here is the thing. I am not your everday macho-idiot who only seeks one thing (although it would be nice to get that one thing). I am a stay at home dad who cooks, cleans, plays soccer-dad, coaches, gives the wife back rubs, and sends her off on girls weekends and happy hours.

Is there anything I can do short of an affair or divorce that will allow me to have sex in my relationship again (and no, masturbation does not count - sorry guys).

Thanks for any suggestions in advance.

And to any ladies who actually lurk in this place, it would be nice to get your side of things even moreso.

Dudd
11-01-2005, 05:48 PM
I don't know, try talking to her about?

slickpoppa
11-01-2005, 05:48 PM
See a sex therapist? Have you talked to her about why you don't have sex anymore?

jba
11-01-2005, 05:50 PM
[ QUOTE ]
I don't know, try talking to her about?

[/ QUOTE ]

seriously, if you haven't had a conversation about this you need help.

and we're not going to be able to help unless we know why she isn't giving it up.

"my uncle touched me" and "your nuts stink like hell" require totally different plans of attack.

LSUfan1
11-01-2005, 05:51 PM
[ QUOTE ]
I don't know, try talking to her about?

[/ QUOTE ]

Ok, before I get 10 posters stating the obvious....yes, we have talked about this over and over. It generally comes down to her being stressed at work and such. This is why I tend to give her time to relax and re-energize with her friends and such.

swede123
11-01-2005, 05:52 PM
[ QUOTE ]
"my uncle touched me" and "your nuts stink like hell" require totally different plans of attack.

[/ QUOTE ]

This right here is pure genious!

Swede

LSUfan1
11-01-2005, 05:54 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
"my uncle touched me" and "your nuts stink like hell" require totally different plans of attack.

[/ QUOTE ]

This right here is pure genious!

Swede

[/ QUOTE ]

As much as I hate to admit it, I must agree! /images/graemlins/grin.gif

Generally her argument is stress. I am a person who deals well with stress, so its hard for me to relate to this, however. I did get her a spa package not long ago, but that didn't seem to help much?

slickpoppa
11-01-2005, 05:54 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I don't know, try talking to her about?

[/ QUOTE ]

Ok, before I get 10 posters stating the obvious....yes, we have talked about this over and over. It generally comes down to her being stressed at work and such. This is why I tend to give her time to relax and re-energize with her friends and such.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't buy that. What is a better way to relieve stress than to have sex?

RunDownHouse
11-01-2005, 05:54 PM
Is this a recent, sudden, or gradual change?

If it happened over a relatively short period of time, seroiusly consider the fact that she's cheating on you. In any case, I'd also advise going to a marriage counselor/psychiatrist type of person. They'll be able to root out the problem - whether there's an acceptable solution is a whole other thing - and its easily worth the expense.

LSUfan1
11-01-2005, 05:55 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I don't know, try talking to her about?

[/ QUOTE ]

Ok, before I get 10 posters stating the obvious....yes, we have talked about this over and over. It generally comes down to her being stressed at work and such. This is why I tend to give her time to relax and re-energize with her friends and such.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't buy that. What is a better way to relieve stress than to have sex?

[/ QUOTE ]

I tend to agree, but apparently she doesn't.

LSUfan1
11-01-2005, 05:57 PM
[ QUOTE ]
Is this a recent, sudden, or gradual change?

If it happened over a relatively short period of time, seroiusly consider the fact that she's cheating on you. In any case, I'd also advise going to a marriage counselor/psychiatrist type of person. They'll be able to root out the problem - whether there's an acceptable solution is a whole other thing - and its easily worth the expense.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have been over this one in my mind for some time, but I don't think this is the case. My son is now 3, and since his birth things have been quite slow. I know many women go through this after pregnancy, but I was hoping we would be back to normal by now.

I think the shrink might just be the way to go.

Thanks

BoogerFace
11-01-2005, 05:58 PM
Are you sure it's not because you are a stay-at-home dad?

Some women have funny ideas about men who don't bring home the bacon.

LSUfan1
11-01-2005, 06:00 PM
[ QUOTE ]

Are you sure it's not because you are a stay-at-home dad?

Some women have funny ideas about men who don't bring home the bacon.

[/ QUOTE ]

Completely her idea! But I guess its not out of the question.

jakethebake
11-01-2005, 06:01 PM
Hate to bring this up, but are you sure she's not already getting it someplace else?

samjjones
11-01-2005, 06:01 PM
Perhaps your wife has poor self-esteem, and doesn't feel sexually attractive. Or conversely, maybe she isn't as attracted to you as she once was.

jakethebake
11-01-2005, 06:02 PM
[ QUOTE ]
Perhaps your wife has poor self-esteem, and doesn't feel sexually attractive.

[/ QUOTE ]

This happens to lots of women when they have kids.

samjjones
11-01-2005, 06:03 PM
And if this is the case, the only thing you can do is give her space. Maybe try to exercise together or something. Try to convince her that she is still attractive and turns you on.

Dominic
11-01-2005, 06:04 PM
Do you look the same now? If you've gained a lot of weight or something, maybe she just doesn't find you attractive anymore.

Sending her off on "girl" weekends is not a good idea. If you're not having sex, you should at least be trying to get things going again with a fun weekend trip - together. Plus, it gives her a very easy way to get HER physical needs satisfied without you knowing about it.

Seriously - her saying she's "stressed out" is not an valid excuse. Something is wrong and you need to make it very clear that you love her, you want her, but you are not going to spend the next 50 years in a sexless marriage. So she needs to A) start happily banging you again, or, B) go to a therapist together.

3 years is too long to wait for someone's libido to come back.

Good luck!

LSUfan1
11-01-2005, 06:05 PM
[ QUOTE ]
Perhaps your wife has poor self-esteem, and doesn't feel sexually attractive. Or conversely, maybe she isn't as attracted to you as she once was.

[/ QUOTE ]

Both of these are very valid points. She does have a somewhat low self-image (although she looks better today then she did when we met). I have put on a few pounds over the years, but I am currently training for next years triathlon season so maybe that one will take care of itself.

Thanks for the input.

jakethebake
11-01-2005, 06:06 PM
[ QUOTE ]
And if this is the case, the only thing you can do is give her space.

[/ QUOTE ]

I disagree with this entirely. She needs to be reassured, and she needs to be reassured by you. Buy her lingerie. Go shopping and convince her to buy some sexy clothes. Take her to the...uhhh...adult novelty store. Do whatever you can to make her feel sexy.

edit: and when I say sexy, I don't mean romantic. Even a lot of women think they want to be romanced but they're wrong. If she's not feeling sexy then romance isn't what she needs. She needs to be made to feel hot!

pokerdirty
11-01-2005, 06:08 PM
[ QUOTE ]
I am a stay at home dad who cooks, cleans, plays soccer-dad, coaches, gives the wife back rubs, and sends her off on girls weekends and happy hours

[/ QUOTE ]

How has he not gotten flamed for this yet?

http://members.tripod.com/~CharmPrincess/ahem.gif

jaydub
11-01-2005, 06:09 PM
you share that girl.

see a therapist, don't post to oot.

kiemo
11-01-2005, 06:10 PM
[ QUOTE ]
My son is now 3, and since his birth things have been quite slow. I know many women go through this after pregnancy, but I was hoping we would be back to normal by now.



[/ QUOTE ]

3 years seems like an awful long time for postpartum depression to be the only problem.

There are some deeper issues surrounding the birth of your son that she doesnt recognize or doesnt wish to talk about. Maybe she felt sex was mostly used for procreation rather then enjoyment, now she has the kid there is no reason for sex. Maybe she has issues with how she perceives her body and her attractiveness since the birth, maybe she, well you get the picture.

Professional help is probably your best and only solution at this point in time

LSUfan1
11-01-2005, 06:11 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
And if this is the case, the only thing you can do is give her space.

[/ QUOTE ]

I disagree with this entirely. She needs to be reassured, and she needs to be reassured by you. Buy her lingerie. Go shopping and convince her to buy some sexy clothes. Take her to the...uhhh...adult novelty store. Do whatever you can to make her feel sexy.

[/ QUOTE ]

I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.

I do constantly reassure her, and tell her how much she means to me.

At the risk of being flamed by the "manly" guys I am a family man who loves his position in life, just not so much in the bedroom.

daveymck
11-01-2005, 06:11 PM
One idea when comes comes in form work then lights out candles on, maybe a hot soak in the bath together. Then instead of backrub have give her proper massage with relaxing oils with candles on still, as she destresses and relaxes make the massage more sexual. Obviously may have to wait for the kids to bed.

Inject some passion back in, give her spur of the moment hugs and kisses, initiate sex in different places, have a night out like when you first met as if its a first date. Get some toys, maybe one of them sex games which have suggestions on it. SOunds like you can communicate both write down 10 things would like and make sure do 1 a week for a few weeks.

Just have to break the current habits make it exciting again.

what about a dirty weekend away you and her locked away in a hotel room few toys, some nice wine and stuff and spend time for you guys.

Sometimes its hard when have kids and all the rushing around and stresses of running a normal family and work that the you (as in couple) time gets lost. Take some time out for yourselves even if only one night a week where the kids goto bed and you spend a proper evening together over a meal, cuddling up watching a dvd with some wine whatever.

Break the cycle and spice it up and I am sure the rewards will come.

jakethebake
11-01-2005, 06:13 PM
[ QUOTE ]
I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.

[/ QUOTE ]
There are two possibilities here. One is that she knows she has a problem and she's trying to make herself feel better about herself...sexier, which is good. She knows there's a problem. The other is that she's got a new boyfriend. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[ QUOTE ]
I do constantly reassure her, and tell her how much she means to me.

[/ QUOTE ]
Don't tell her how much she means to you. Make her feel SEXY! These are not the same things.

swede123
11-01-2005, 06:13 PM
[ QUOTE ]


I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.


[/ QUOTE ]

She's banging some other guy. You really need to seek some professional help here.

jaydub
11-01-2005, 06:14 PM
[ QUOTE ]

I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside

[/ QUOTE ]

Does the tattoo actually say "I'm cheating on my husband" or is that just implied?

RunDownHouse
11-01-2005, 06:14 PM
[ QUOTE ]
I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear).

[/ QUOTE ]
Uh oh. It'll be interesting - if you decide to go that route - how she'll react when you bring up marriage counseling/psychiatrist.

EDIT: The "uh oh" was for the same reason as jaydub's response.

jba
11-01-2005, 06:15 PM
[ QUOTE ]

she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.


[/ QUOTE ]

wow she's totally cheating

JihadOnTheRiver
11-01-2005, 06:16 PM
I think if I'm in your shoes I'd probably see it as 50/50 she's cheating on you. You should confront her, and if she's not then maybe counseling would help. If she is, I don't know....Ike Turner?

slickpoppa
11-01-2005, 06:19 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]


I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.


[/ QUOTE ]

She's banging some other guy. You really need to seek some professional help here.

[/ QUOTE ]

Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I don't like the sound of that either. If she is allegedly too stressed out to care about having sex, then why is she doing such things that are intened to increase her sex appeal?

JackWilson
11-01-2005, 06:21 PM
[ QUOTE ]

I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.

[/ QUOTE ]

Whoa. I don't know much about women but surely there is something in this. I'll leave it to Dom to extrapolate the significance.

daveymck
11-01-2005, 06:22 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.

[/ QUOTE ]
There are two possibilities here. One is that she knows she has a problem and she's trying to make herself feel better about herself...sexier, which is good. She knows there's a problem. The other is that she's got a new boyfriend. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif


[/ QUOTE ]

I agree if she is a thirtysomthing woman she may well be feeling it and wanting to feel young again, but there is other possibilities but people can be too quik to jump to conclusions.

Americans are very quick to say therapy as well I have noticed in the replies. I think some more them time is needed not more out with the girls time.

mslif
11-01-2005, 06:22 PM
When I read your initial post, I though that maybe she did not feel attractive anymore or that your marriage had become too routine. Then I read about the LBT and the thongs. As a woman (who has been married before) I found this behavior troublesome and I seriously think she is being unfaithful. If you are not the one enjoying her new accessories, somebody else is. Has she been working late? Has she gone to see friends more than usual? Stress at work is not a good enough excuse IMO.
I would not recommend buying her anything. Seeing a therapist would be a better idea or start following her around.

jakethebake
11-01-2005, 06:22 PM
[ QUOTE ]
If she is allegedly too stressed out to care about having sex, then why is she doing such things that are intened to increase her sex appeal?

[/ QUOTE ]

She realizes she has a problem and these are things she's doing conscously or unconsiously to boost her self-esteem and make herself feel sexy again.

mslif
11-01-2005, 06:24 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
If she is allegedly too stressed out to care about having sex, then why is she doing such things that are intened to increase her sex appeal?

[/ QUOTE ]

She realizes she has a problem and these are things she's doing conscously or unconsiously to boost her self-esteem and make herself feel sexy again.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't buy that for one second.

swede123
11-01-2005, 06:24 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
If she is allegedly too stressed out to care about having sex, then why is she doing such things that are intened to increase her sex appeal?

[/ QUOTE ]

She realizes she still wants some cack and these are things she's doing conscously or unconsiously to help her look hotter to the [censored] she's cheating with

[/ QUOTE ]

Is this what you meant, Jake?

Swede

haakee
11-01-2005, 06:25 PM
Talk to her about it. If that doesn't help get her to go to group marital counseling with you.

jakethebake
11-01-2005, 06:25 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
If she is allegedly too stressed out to care about having sex, then why is she doing such things that are intened to increase her sex appeal?

[/ QUOTE ]

She realizes she still wants some cack and these are things she's doing conscously or unconsiously to help her look hotter to the [censored] she's cheating with

[/ QUOTE ]

Is this what you meant, Jake?

Swede

[/ QUOTE ]

I did say that was a possibility.

slickpoppa
11-01-2005, 06:26 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
If she is allegedly too stressed out to care about having sex, then why is she doing such things that are intened to increase her sex appeal?

[/ QUOTE ]

She realizes she has a problem and these are things she's doing conscously or unconsiously to boost her self-esteem and make herself feel sexy again.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, I realized that possibility, but if that were true, why isn't she taking a more active role in rekindling their sex life? It seems like LSUfan is making an effort, but she is giving lame excuses.

swede123
11-01-2005, 06:27 PM
mslif,

I don't want to derail this one but I was just wondering if you actually look at all like Monica Bellucci. If so lets run away together.

Swede

jaydub
11-01-2005, 06:27 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
If she is allegedly too stressed out to care about having sex, then why is she doing such things that are intened to increase her sex appeal?

[/ QUOTE ]

She realizes she still wants some cack and these are things she's doing conscously or unconsiously to help her look hotter to the [censored] she's cheating with

[/ QUOTE ]

Is this what you meant, Jake?

Swede

[/ QUOTE ]

I did say that was a possibility.

[/ QUOTE ]

Heh, she's more likely to have 2 lovers than 0.

Get a private investigator and a divorce lawyer. Protect yourself.

LSUfan1
11-01-2005, 06:27 PM
[ QUOTE ]
When I read your initial post, I though that maybe she did not feel attractive anymore or that your marriage had become too routine. Then I read about the LBT and the thongs. As a woman (who has been married before) I found this behavior troublesome and I seriously think she is being unfaithful. If you are not the one enjoying her new accessories, somebody else is. Has she been working late? Has she gone to see friends more than usual? Stress at work is not a good enough excuse IMO.
I would not recommend buying her anything. Seeing a therapist would be a better idea or start following her around.

[/ QUOTE ]

I will admit that I have been worried that she was cheating on me a few times since the sex was so infrequent. She is a very conservative type however (the tatoo was really a shock to me) and I just don't see it (maybe I'm blind).

She hasn't been showing any of the signs of cheating though. She doesn't work late, doesn't spend more time with her friends than before, and I can freely check her e-mail.

I have considered adding some type of software to monitor her online time, but I just don't think this is the case.

jakethebake
11-01-2005, 06:27 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
She realizes she has a problem and these are things she's doing conscously or unconsiously to boost her self-esteem and make herself feel sexy again.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't buy that for one second.

[/ QUOTE ]

I outlined two possibilities. This is one. Everyone is jumping on the other. I'm just saying don't jump to that conclusion immediately.

4_2_it
11-01-2005, 06:29 PM
Just look for unknown numbers on your cell phone bills. That is one of the easiest ways to catch a cheating spouse (besides email).

mslif
11-01-2005, 06:30 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
When I read your initial post, I though that maybe she did not feel attractive anymore or that your marriage had become too routine. Then I read about the LBT and the thongs. As a woman (who has been married before) I found this behavior troublesome and I seriously think she is being unfaithful. If you are not the one enjoying her new accessories, somebody else is. Has she been working late? Has she gone to see friends more than usual? Stress at work is not a good enough excuse IMO.
I would not recommend buying her anything. Seeing a therapist would be a better idea or start following her around.

[/ QUOTE ]

I will admit that I have been worried that she was cheating on me a few times since the sex was so infrequent. She is a very conservative type however (the tatoo was really a shock to me) and I just don't see it (maybe I'm blind).

She hasn't been showing any of the signs of cheating though. She doesn't work late, doesn't spend more time with her friends than before, and I can freely check her e-mail.

I have considered adding some type of software to monitor her online time, but I just don't think this is the case.

[/ QUOTE ]

If her behavior has remained the same, then I would highly recommend a therapist. Your marriage is in peril here.
Good luck to you.

11-01-2005, 06:32 PM
[ QUOTE ]
Now here is the thing. I am not your everday macho-idiot who only seeks one thing (although it would be nice to get that one thing).

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, I am one, not married, and I have lots of sex. Maybe you should do something to get the testoserone flowing again. Go to the gym, play a sport, at least take on a passion for something, anything. Women find MEN attractive.

mslif
11-01-2005, 06:32 PM
[ QUOTE ]
mslif,

I don't want to derail this one but I was just wondering if you actually look at all like Monica Bellucci. If so lets run away together.

Swede

[/ QUOTE ]

The resemblance is striking!

daveymck
11-01-2005, 06:33 PM
[ QUOTE ]
Just look for unknown numbers on your cell phone bills. That is one of the easiest ways to catch a cheating spouse (besides email).

[/ QUOTE ]

My gf's brother in law was totally stupid in this regard. He was ringing a number constantly on his mobile and his bill went up hugely. He could of got away with it but the idiot wasnt thinking, he got the phone from his wifes other sister who was getting all the bills and seeing what he was up too she knew what time he met her , when he got the taxi back from seeing her when he was "in the pub".

RunDownHouse
11-01-2005, 06:34 PM
[ QUOTE ]
I outlined two possibilities. This is one. Everyone is jumping on the other. I'm just saying don't jump to that conclusion immediately.

[/ QUOTE ]
That is somehwat prudent, but the new evidence that has come to light, man, makes things look very much worse than the OP alone. All the more so since the reaction to it is pretty much unanimous.

slickpoppa
11-01-2005, 06:40 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Just look for unknown numbers on your cell phone bills. That is one of the easiest ways to catch a cheating spouse (besides email).

[/ QUOTE ]

My gf's brother in law was totally stupid in this regard was rining this number constantly on his mobile, his bill went up hugely, all wich he could of got away with but the idiot wasnt thinking, he got the phone from the other sister who was getting all the bills and seeing what he was up too she knew what time he met her, when he got the taxi back everything.

[/ QUOTE ]

English only please.

LethalRose
11-01-2005, 06:50 PM
dont rely on email and her phone records to disprove your doubts she is being unfaithful. I have been the other guy and its always better to just meet somewhere. Id bet it someone from work or someone she see's on a daily basis.

The fact she is conservative doesnt help....think about it.

I would get a lawyer and investigate. Dont tell her your suspicious of her. She is giving off a lot of signs she is being unfaithful and is totally bullshitting you. A tatoo and sexy underwear? sounds like she has a 20 something boy toy. get as much evidence you can, divorce her and get custody of the kids.

HopeydaFish
11-01-2005, 06:53 PM
Don't assume she's having an affair, but don't discount the idea, either. All of her actions point to someone who is cheating on her husband. All of your posts in this thread so far look to me to be coming from someone who is trying to convince himself that there's no chance his wife is having an affair. It's quite possible she isn't, but I'd say it's 50/50 that she is.

You really need to figure out once and for all if she is being unfaithful.

rwesty
11-01-2005, 07:10 PM
Talk to her tonight and report back.

ddubois
11-01-2005, 07:26 PM
[ QUOTE ]
Get a private investigator and a divorce lawyer. Protect yourself.

[/ QUOTE ]
I don't think you need the latter just yet, but seriosuly, just get a PI and get the question answered so you know for certain what you are dealing with. If she is cheating on you, every other suggestion in this thread - going to a marriage conselor, talking, romantic getaways, lingerie, etc. - is going to be running under false pretenses and get you absolutely nowhere. You need to find out the true "current state of affairs", as it be, and you need to do this first.

silkyslim
11-01-2005, 07:29 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
"my uncle touched me" and "your nuts stink like hell" require totally different plans of attack.

[/ QUOTE ]

This right here is pure genious!

Swede

[/ QUOTE ]
gg

jaydub
11-01-2005, 07:32 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Get a private investigator and a divorce lawyer. Protect yourself.

[/ QUOTE ]
I don't think you need the latter just yet, but seriosuly, just get a PI and get the question answered so you know for certain what you are dealing with.

[/ QUOTE ]

No, you need the lawyer to advise you on how to proceed. He should be the first stop and will probably have a PI that he works with. His advice is highly valuable as most people know [censored] all about the intricacies of divorce law.

ddubois
11-01-2005, 07:38 PM
You presume he wants a divorce.

jaydub
11-01-2005, 07:51 PM
[ QUOTE ]
You presume he wants a divorce.

[/ QUOTE ]

I presume he wants to protect himself. Seeing a divorce lawyer does not mean one gets a divorce.

rohjoh
11-01-2005, 08:01 PM
[ QUOTE ]
I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have heard it said the first sign that a guy is cheating on his wife is he buys new underwear, or changes underwear syle. Was it your suggestion she get the tatoo? Or did she just show up with it? Did you help pick it out? If you did not, then who did? What is it of?

TimM
11-01-2005, 08:14 PM
[ QUOTE ]
What is a better way to relieve stress than to have sex?

[/ QUOTE ]

If she's not getting off, it's just the opposite.

jakethebake
11-01-2005, 09:34 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I outlined two possibilities. This is one. Everyone is jumping on the other. I'm just saying don't jump to that conclusion immediately.

[/ QUOTE ]
That is somehwat prudent, but the new evidence that has come to light, man, makes things look very much worse than the OP alone. All the more so since the reaction to it is pretty much unanimous.

[/ QUOTE ]

I outlined the two possibilites after the tattoo and thing post. Here's what I think is going on. The woman had a kid. She did the mom thing for awhile. She got in the same rut they all do after that. She was stuck in that rut for awhile. She didn't like the way she felt about herself.

What does anyone do when they're in a rut? They drift along for awhile, then one day decide they need to get out of it. She goes out and buys the new thongs and gets the tattoo.

I don't know how long ago this was, or what's gone on since then. But I will say this, if she hasn't started cheating yet, you better get off your ass and make her feel sexy. She needs that from you. If she doesn't get it from you, she'll get it from someone. Don't tell her what a good mom she is. Don't tell her how much you depend on her, or how much she means to you.

Don't romance her. Make her feel sexy. Next time she takes a shower, get in the damn shower with her. Next time you're in bed with her, don't ask, just go South.

Get a damn babysitter, and don't take her out for a nice dinner and a movie. Take her to a bar, get her drunk and [censored] her in the parking lot.

Forget therapy or counseling. Just make her feel like a woman.

astroglide
11-01-2005, 10:32 PM
[ QUOTE ]
you better get off your ass and make her feel sexy. She needs that from you. If she doesn't get it from you, she'll get it from someone.

[/ QUOTE ]

you make this sound like a [censored] business proposition: "if you don't want to sell me a television, i'll go get a better deal from your competitor." IT'S HIS [censored] WIFE. if she's going to cheat on him and the only communication that has occured is along the lines of "oh sorry about last night it's just that i'm so stressed with work" she's a terrible spouse and not fit for marriage. i'm not saying this is the case, just expanding on the justification you've laid out.

there's also no way i would take the appealing to her femininity route if i hadn't done anything wrong, and it seems like the original poster is a reasonable and understanding guy. i don't think he needs to reward somebody for hosing him or being unable to tolerate the difficulties of a normal day of life. sex isn't a gift from her to him, it's something they should be sharing with equal value for both. if that's the case, why should be NEED to put in intense amounts of effort so that she can get the same thing that he's getting? not want, but NEED. this isn't a cool romantic bonus he's giving, it's a requirement.

jakethebake
11-01-2005, 10:40 PM
[ QUOTE ]
you make this sound like a [censored] business proposition: "if you don't want to sell me a television, i'll go get a better deal from your competitor." IT'S HIS [censored] WIFE. if she's going to cheat on him and the only communication that has occured is along the lines of "oh sorry about last night it's just that i'm so stressed with work" she's a terrible spouse and not fit for marriage. i'm not saying this is the case, just expanding on the justification you've laid out.

[/ QUOTE ]
that wasn't really at all what i was saying, but i don't entirely disagree with you either.

[ QUOTE ]
there's also no way i would take the appealing to her femininity route if i hadn't done anything wrong, and it seems like the original poster is a reasonable and understanding guy. i don't think he needs to reward somebody for hosing him or being unable to tolerate the difficulties of a normal day of life. sex isn't a gift from her to him, it's something they should be sharing with equal value for both. if that's the case, why should be NEED (not want, but NEED - this isn't a cool romantic bonus he's giving it's a requirement) to put in intense amounts of effort so that she can get the same thing that he's getting?

[/ QUOTE ]
and this is even further from what i was saying. it in no way conflicts with what i was saying. But the fact is that people go through different emotional issues. relationships get stale. people get in ruts. this post-childbirth thing is very common. and yea, when you're in a relationship, sometimes you have to work at it. sometimes it's one of you having a problem, sometimes it's the other. and you have to help each other out of those ruts.

daveymck
11-02-2005, 05:38 AM
[ QUOTE ]

But the fact is that people go through different emotional issues. relationships get stale. people get in ruts. this post-childbirth thing is very common. and yea, when you're in a relationship, sometimes you have to work at it. sometimes it's one of you having a problem, sometimes it's the other. and you have to help each other out of those ruts.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have pretty much agreed with everything you have said in the thread (and had some similar ideas about wineing and dining) but this is the key part of any long term relationship, even more so when kids come along and things change dramatically, your identities change, the dynamics of being a couple change. Somtime you get pissed off and wonder what you are doing still there, it doesnt mean its a bad relationship or one of the spouses isnt worthy of it. Its just life, you have to work damn hard at it.

Rick Nebiolo
11-02-2005, 05:47 AM
[ QUOTE ]
Now here is the thing. I am not your everday macho-idiot who only seeks one thing (although it would be nice to get that one thing). I am a stay at home dad who cooks, cleans, plays soccer-dad, coaches, gives the wife back rubs, and sends her off on girls weekends and happy hours.

[/ QUOTE ]

Is there any chance she thinks you're a wimp?

~ Rick

diebitter
11-02-2005, 06:17 AM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

But the fact is that people go through different emotional issues. relationships get stale. people get in ruts. this post-childbirth thing is very common. and yea, when you're in a relationship, sometimes you have to work at it. sometimes it's one of you having a problem, sometimes it's the other. and you have to help each other out of those ruts.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have pretty much agreed with everything you have said in the thread (and had some similar ideas about wineing and dining) but this is the key part of any long term relationship, even more so when kids come along and things change dramatically, your identities change, the dynamics of being a couple change. Somtime you get pissed off and wonder what you are doing still there, it doesnt mean its a bad relationship or one of the spouses isnt worthy of it. Its just life, you have to work damn hard at it.

[/ QUOTE ]

All solid, except one addenda. Sometimes guys (and gals) work really hard at it, and at the end, it still doesn't change. This can be even more desolating, but it is obviously way better to try and maybe fail than not even try.

By all means, put as much energy into it as you possibly can, but don't just assume it'll be enough to fix it, that's all.

And I don't think this has been touched on - think hard about your relationship with your kid(s), and how your relationship with them will change if you and your partner can't resolve this problem. Sometimes you need to bear the problem, sometimes not, I guess.

What are your priorities, is what I'd say you need to consider uppermost.

Boris
11-02-2005, 06:30 AM
Do you use birth control when you get lucky?

PokerNoob
11-02-2005, 05:29 PM
Since you have talked to her time and time again about this, you need to tell her that you're really serious about improving the relationship and that you think marriage counseling would help. A counselor will give you specific things to do that will be much better advice than you can get here. If she balks at this, or really doesn't seem interesting in putting any of the advice in to practice, then I would seriously start worrying.

At that point, you need to think long and hard about what you are going to do if she is actually cheating on you, or even if you want to know, i.e. you live this way for the sake of the kids or whatever. Her reaction to being confronted with evidence (or even suspicion) may be to end the marriage, so you need to be ready for that. I'd get a residue kit. Since you're househusband, you should have unfettered access to the panties. If you get a positive, see a lawyer immediately, before confronting your wife. You'll want to deal with this from a position of strength, with properly obtained evidence, etc.

Personally, to me, she sounds pretty suspicious with the tat, the sex panties, the happy houring and the "girl's weekends". Does she disappear for long periods during the day? Long lunches?

RunDownHouse
11-04-2005, 10:22 AM
Any updates? I normally don't like bumping threads like this, but I'm curious.

DMBFan23
11-04-2005, 10:53 AM
[ QUOTE ]
but she recently got a tatoo on her backside

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't know how to interpret this one

[ QUOTE ]
and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear)

[/ QUOTE ]

I can't assume anything because I don't know you or your wife, but in the DoD clearance industry they call this a HUGE 'red flag'

drewjustdrew
11-04-2005, 10:56 AM
Here is my GUESS as to what happened with this relationship:

1. Sex life was OK. Not great, but adequate.
2. She gets pregnant, has kid.
3. She is not in the mood to have sex initially cuz that is somewhat natural
4. LSU is EXTREMELY patient about this.
5. She sees it as a comment on his feelings of attraction for her diminishing
6. Some tool at work starts paying attention to her when she loses the birth weight
7. She is having an affair
8. He is clueless

Recommendation:

Call this guy
http://www.thedailyaztec.com/aztecGraphicsArchive/Spring-2004/07-21-04/tempo/images/tempo01a.jpg

ChipWrecked
11-04-2005, 11:18 AM
If your wife's company provides an EAP service, I would recommend she contact them. I have used mine with excellent results.

LSUfan1
11-04-2005, 12:58 PM
[ QUOTE ]
Any updates? I normally don't like bumping threads like this, but I'm curious.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ok, here is the deal. We had a pretty good conversation the other night, and I was basically told that I don't keep myself up the way I used to. She wants me to watch my weight, because she is scared I am going to leave her as a single mother before she turns 40.

There were a combination of things in this post that were correct. The baby weight started the issue, then after some time she started to dress the part, and got the tatoo to make herself feel better. She was very persistent in letting me know there has been no infidelity. Maybe I am just a tool, but I tend to believe my wife.

My solution to this problem:
I am going to make a definite effort to eat better, work out more, and keep myself up for her......she will give it up more for me. I basically told her that my end will be kept up, but I do expect to see changes in our love life fairly quickly.....we will see.

Thanks for all of the positive replys especially, but also for the negative ones also because I needed to see this from all angles.

I will repost in a month or two if anyone is interested in hearing how it goes....... /images/graemlins/grin.gif

diebitter
11-04-2005, 01:02 PM
Sounds good, and you've got a good thing going forward there. Glad for you, bud.

slickpoppa
11-04-2005, 01:03 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Any updates? I normally don't like bumping threads like this, but I'm curious.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ok, here is the deal. We had a pretty good conversation the other night, and I was basically told that I don't keep myself up the way I used to. She wants me to watch my weight, because she is scared I am going to leave her as a single mother before she turns 40.

There were a combination of things in this post that were correct. The baby weight started the issue, then after some time she started to dress the part, and got the tatoo to make herself feel better. She was very persistent in letting me know there has been no infidelity. Maybe I am just a tool, but I tend to believe my wife.

My solution to this problem:
I am going to make a definite effort to eat better, work out more, and keep myself up for her......she will give it up more for me. I basically told her that my end will be kept up, but I do expect to see changes in our love life fairly quickly.....we will see.

Thanks for all of the positive replys especially, but also for the negative ones also because I needed to see this from all angles.

I will repost in a month or two if anyone is interested in hearing how it goes....... /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

Well it's good that you have gotten things out in the open, but this still seems a little weird to me. How much weight have you gained? A lot of people gain some weight in their 30s but that doesnt mean they completely stop having sex.

LSUfan1
11-04-2005, 01:09 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Any updates? I normally don't like bumping threads like this, but I'm curious.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ok, here is the deal. We had a pretty good conversation the other night, and I was basically told that I don't keep myself up the way I used to. She wants me to watch my weight, because she is scared I am going to leave her as a single mother before she turns 40.

There were a combination of things in this post that were correct. The baby weight started the issue, then after some time she started to dress the part, and got the tatoo to make herself feel better. She was very persistent in letting me know there has been no infidelity. Maybe I am just a tool, but I tend to believe my wife.

My solution to this problem:
I am going to make a definite effort to eat better, work out more, and keep myself up for her......she will give it up more for me. I basically told her that my end will be kept up, but I do expect to see changes in our love life fairly quickly.....we will see.

Thanks for all of the positive replys especially, but also for the negative ones also because I needed to see this from all angles.

I will repost in a month or two if anyone is interested in hearing how it goes....... /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

Well it's good that you have gotten things out in the open, but this still seems a little weird to me. How much weight have you gained? A lot of people gain some weight in their 30s but that doesnt mean they completely stop having sex.

[/ QUOTE ]

I am keeping this on a short leash.....if things don't improve quickly, we will be seeing a therapist. I want to give my wife the benefit of the doubt, however.

I am now 250 at 5'10, which is a gain of 25 pounds over the last 10 years or so. Not out of the question, and I carry it pretty well....but I am too heavy, and plan on getting back down around 200 by the end of the year.

I have heart problems in my family, and this is what scares my wife...and truthfully me a bit.

LSUfan1
11-04-2005, 01:13 PM
[ QUOTE ]
I am now 250 at 5'10, which is a gain of 25 pounds over the last 10 years or so.

[/ QUOTE ]

Just a sidenote....I ran 3 triathlons 2 years ago at 230 or so. I hit the gym quite a bit, and play basketball weekly. I am not a really flabby guy, but I have a pretty good spare tire to elimate. /images/graemlins/frown.gif

drewjustdrew
11-04-2005, 01:23 PM
Try to get around to 200 by the end of next year. If you are under 240 by the end of this year, that would be a great accomplishment. It is Nov.4th after all.

11-04-2005, 01:24 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I am now 250 at 5'10, which is a gain of 25 pounds over the last 10 years or so.

[/ QUOTE ]

Just a sidenote....I ran 3 triathlons 2 years ago at 230 or so. I hit the gym quite a bit, and play basketball weekly. I am not a really flabby guy, but I have a pretty good spare tire to elimate. /images/graemlins/frown.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

At your size, 25lbs isnt going to be noticable enough that she stops sleeping with you because she thinks you are fat, or is scared you are going to die. There is something else going on here imo. I think its unreasonable to hold out because you gained 25 lbs. IMO, this is bullshit, if you did the same thing to her, and said, hey listen, fatty, Im not having sex with you until you drop 15lbs, the shitstorm she would rain down upon you would be crazy....

LSUfan1
11-04-2005, 01:25 PM
[ QUOTE ]
Try to get around to 200 by the end of next year. If you are under 240 by the end of this year, that would be a great accomplishment. It is Nov.4th after all.

[/ QUOTE ]

OOPS! Wasn't quite thinking straight. How bout next years triathlon season, which starts in April/May.

RunDownHouse
11-04-2005, 01:26 PM
I dunno, I gained about 20 pounds and my sex life decreased noticeably. I'm pretty sure it would pick back up if I lost the weight.

ddubois
11-04-2005, 01:29 PM
[ QUOTE ]
She was very persistent in letting me know there has been no infidelity.

[/ QUOTE ]
Well, that's some rock-solid proof there!

LSUfan1
11-04-2005, 01:31 PM
[/ QUOTE ]At your size, 25lbs isnt going to be noticable enough that she stops sleeping with you because she thinks you are fat, or is scared you are going to die. There is something else going on here imo. I think its unreasonable to hold out because you gained 25 lbs. IMO, this is bullshit, if you did the same thing to her, and said, hey listen, fatty, Im not having sex with you until you drop 15lbs, the shitstorm she would rain down upon you would be crazy....

[/ QUOTE ]

While I do agree with your point, there are other factors involved than just the weight. I agree she would probably go nuts if approached in the same way, but she is the love of my life, and after 13 years of marriage I am willing to give her a bit of room. As I said before, if things don't change drastically by years end I will make sure a therapist is contacted.

Thanks for your comments.

dcasper70
11-04-2005, 01:34 PM
[ QUOTE ]
I am now 250 at 5'10, which is a gain of 25 pounds over the last 10 years or so. Not out of the question, and I carry it pretty well....but I am too heavy, and plan on getting back down around 200 by the end of the year.

[/ QUOTE ]

LSU,
Dropping 50 lbs in 8 weeks is not healthy! I'm sure you could probably do it, but that kind of weight loss has a much better chance of returning later. A good and reasonable goal is 2-3 lbs a week.

I was 225 3 yrs ago (6'0"). Wife & I did Weight Watchers. I dropped 40 lbs in just under 5 months. Still 185 today /images/graemlins/smile.gif.
I'm not pushnig any system, but that one worked for me.

Good luck

11-04-2005, 01:34 PM
[ QUOTE ]


[/ QUOTE ]At your size, 25lbs isnt going to be noticable enough that she stops sleeping with you because she thinks you are fat, or is scared you are going to die. There is something else going on here imo. I think its unreasonable to hold out because you gained 25 lbs. IMO, this is bullshit, if you did the same thing to her, and said, hey listen, fatty, Im not having sex with you until you drop 15lbs, the shitstorm she would rain down upon you would be crazy....

[/ QUOTE ]

While I do agree with your point, there are other factors involved than just the weight. I agree she would probably go nuts if approached in the same way, but she is the love of my life, and after 13 years of marriage I am willing to give her a bit of room. As I said before, if things don't change drastically by years end I will make sure a therapist is contacted.

Thanks for your comments.

[/ QUOTE ]

You are a more patient man than I. I do not think that I could respond as well as you did. Good luck though, and I hope everything turns out alright.

drewjustdrew
11-04-2005, 01:37 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]


[/ QUOTE ]At your size, 25lbs isnt going to be noticable enough that she stops sleeping with you because she thinks you are fat, or is scared you are going to die. There is something else going on here imo. I think its unreasonable to hold out because you gained 25 lbs. IMO, this is bullshit, if you did the same thing to her, and said, hey listen, fatty, Im not having sex with you until you drop 15lbs, the shitstorm she would rain down upon you would be crazy....

[/ QUOTE ]

While I do agree with your point, there are other factors involved than just the weight. I agree she would probably go nuts if approached in the same way, but she is the love of my life, and after 13 years of marriage I am willing to give her a bit of room. As I said before, if things don't change drastically by years end I will make sure a therapist is contacted.

Thanks for your comments.

[/ QUOTE ]

You are a more patient man than I. I do not think that I could respond as well as you did. Good luck though, and I hope everything turns out alright.

[/ QUOTE ]

Obviously. It took him 3 years to get to this point!

LSUfan1
11-04-2005, 01:42 PM
[ QUOTE ]
Dropping 50 lbs in 8 weeks is not healthy! I'm sure you could probably do it, but that kind of weight loss has a much better chance of returning later. A good and reasonable goal is 2-3 lbs a week.

[/ QUOTE ]

I wasn't thinking about how close year end was when I made that comment. I do belive that I can drop roughly 20 by then, and the remaining 30 at about a 2-3/wk pace as you stated.

I am currently up to running about 2 miles/day, 3 days/wk. I plan to start adding some swimming and biking to my workouts to assist with the triathlon training. I also hit the weights 3 times per week on an upper/lower split.

I really eat way too much, and that is where the major change is going to have to occur. The workouts are very fun for me, which makes that part easy.

I really want to be around to see my kids grow up, and if it will help my sex life with my wife, then I have all the reason I need.

I am a very patient man. I know many people would have run for the hills, but I have 3 kids that I love tremendously and a wife that I really do adore. I know these days divorce is an easy word to say, but i don't like to have it in my vocabulary. If I am wrong, I will say I was wrong and I will move on......but I do tend to belive my wife at this point. Hopefully I won't be wrong!

AceHigh
11-04-2005, 01:49 PM
[ QUOTE ]
She was very persistent in letting me know there has been no infidelity.

[/ QUOTE ]

And O.J. is out looking for his ex-wife's killers.

I'm not saying your wife is cheating on you but if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, I'd check it out real close to make sure it ain't a duck.

Protect yourself and hire a PI, if she's telling the truth think how much better you will feel. Otherwise, won't you always be wondering, what if she is cheating?

IronDragon1
11-04-2005, 01:50 PM
[ QUOTE ]
but I do tend to belive my wife at this point. Hopefully I won't be wrong!

[/ QUOTE ]

I (and assume most here) do too

Best of luck and don't forget to consult the various workout threads or here (http://www.bodybuilding.com) or here (http://t-nation.com)

drewjustdrew
11-04-2005, 01:51 PM
You must eat a ton to work out as much as you do and still be so big.

I think 2-3 lbs per week is too much, personally, but I am patient as well.

4_2_it
11-04-2005, 01:52 PM
Good luck Bro! Us old married guys in OOT are rooting for you.

krubban
11-04-2005, 02:12 PM
I'm 5'10" too i think (if that equals 175cm?) and weigh a bit less then 150 lbs and i'm not skinny at all. If you're as tall as me with 100 lbs extra weight on you I could imagine your wife is worried about you, that can't be healthy.

I'm only guessing here with my next to none experience but I think that you're wife is worried you might die earlier then intended because of your weight. That might get her thinking that you don't care about her because you don't take care of yourself.

Start drinking a lot of water instead of cola/beer when in front of the computer. Did you know that one can of cola 33cl contains a looot of sugar.

Well, I'm going to quit rambling now and continue drinking instead but good luck /images/graemlins/smile.gif

11-04-2005, 02:15 PM
[ QUOTE ]
I'm 5'10" too i think (if that equals 175cm?) and weigh a bit less then 150 lbs and i'm not skinny at all. If you're as tall as me with 100 lbs extra weight on you I could imagine your wife is worried about you, that can't be healthy.

I'm only guessing here with my next to none experience but I think that you're wife is worried you might die earlier then intended because of your weight. That might get her thinking that you don't care about her because you don't take care of yourself.

Start drinking a lot of water instead of cola/beer when in front of the computer. Did you know that one can of cola 33cl contains a looot of sugar.

Well, I'm going to quit rambling now and continue drinking instead but good luck /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

5 10 and 150 is pretty damn skinny. Im 6 1, 200ish, and Im not big by any means.

BottlesOf
11-04-2005, 02:23 PM
[ QUOTE ]
I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear).

[/ QUOTE ]


Ruh-roh...I would start to worry about those "girls weekends."

moondogg
11-04-2005, 02:35 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I'm 5'10" too i think (if that equals 175cm?) and weigh a bit less then 150 lbs and i'm not skinny at all. If you're as tall as me with 100 lbs extra weight on you I could imagine your wife is worried about you, that can't be healthy.

I'm only guessing here with my next to none experience but I think that you're wife is worried you might die earlier then intended because of your weight. That might get her thinking that you don't care about her because you don't take care of yourself.

Start drinking a lot of water instead of cola/beer when in front of the computer. Did you know that one can of cola 33cl contains a looot of sugar.

Well, I'm going to quit rambling now and continue drinking instead but good luck /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

5 10 and 150 is pretty damn skinny. Im 6 1, 200ish, and Im not big by any means.

[/ QUOTE ]

As someone who is 5'10'' and 150lbs, that is indeed pretty damn scrawny.

I don't know that 175cm stuff means, I'm figuring you either made it up or it's some of that pre-American "English" measurement stuff that they still use in some dark corners of the world.

Nonetheless, despite 150 being skinny, 250 is heavy. At 5'10'' and 250lbs, you are either very muscular or pretty fat.

Unless you are "big boned" or "stocky" or "have a larger frame". Then your fat and delusional.

LSUfan1
11-04-2005, 03:46 PM
[ QUOTE ]
Good luck Bro! Us old married guys in OOT are rooting for you.

[/ QUOTE ]

At least some of us still have faith that Oprah is not always right! Thank you. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

LSUfan1
11-04-2005, 03:52 PM
[/ QUOTE ]Nonetheless, despite 150 being skinny, 250 is heavy. At 5'10'' and 250lbs, you are either very muscular or pretty fat.

Unless you are "big boned" or "stocky" or "have a larger frame". Then your fat and delusional.

[/ QUOTE ]

Good stuff! I am both muscular, and have a large build....but i am not delusional....I am also far too fat. I don't believe I ever denied that. My ideal weight according to the charts is 174, but my best weight I feel is between 180 and 190 based on that being my weight after Navy boot camp. I was in the best shape of my life at 190.