Pick-up Lines guarunteed to fail. [Archive] - Two Plus Two Older Archives

10-28-2005, 04:54 AM

I was at a party a while back, and a buddy of mine who has since quit drinking (you'll understand why he quit in a second) was absolutely hammered, and I heard him utter the the 2 most horrid pick-up lines that I've ever heard someone pitch . And he wasn't joking, this was truly his attempt to get laid that night! The conversation went as follows: He sits next to the poor girl, puts his arm around her and says: "baby, I'm all over you like white on rice." And to this she responds, "I'm sorry, Im not into one night stands" to which he promptly replys, "then how about a five night stand?" Have any of you ever heard or uttered any come-on as bad as this? Does this crap ever REALLY work?

Tron

10-28-2005, 04:58 AM

Alcohol is awesome.

diebitter

10-28-2005, 05:00 AM

If delivered with charm, self-effacement and the right circumstances I'm sure they do.

Well, I deliver mine with charmless egotism at completely the wrong time, and they never work, so that's almost the same, huh?

mmbt0ne

10-28-2005, 05:19 AM

Suck me, beautiful.

stigmata

10-28-2005, 05:20 AM

The worst one I ever saw that actually worked:

My friend (very drunk): "I have a magic watch".
Girl (sober & suspicous): "Oh yeah?"
MF: "It can tell what colour knickers your wearing."
Girl: "Yeah right, whatever. Go on then"
MF: Fiddles with watch a bit. Shakes it, brings it to his ear. "Woooow. OMFG. Your not wearing any".
Girl: "Ha, yes I am. There black".
MF: "Oh [censored]. My watch is running slow".

diebitter

10-28-2005, 05:24 AM

That's gold! And locked in memory forever!

Seriously, they work if the girl wants em to work. I've used the same ones at different times, and they work great on one, and induce a pained expression or rude words from another.

(it was the old creaker of licking your finger, rubbing her sleeve suggestively with your fingertip, then rubbing your sleeve with it, and saying 'let's get out of these wet clothes' I'm thinking about here, if anyone cares).

Jman28

10-28-2005, 05:25 AM

[ QUOTE ]
The worst one I ever saw that actually worked:

My friend (very drunk): "I have a magic watch".
Girl (sober & suspicous): "Oh yeah?"
MF: "It can tell what colour knickers your wearing."
Girl: "Yeah right, whatever. Go on then"
MF: Fiddles with watch a bit. Shakes it, brings it to his ear. "Woooow. OMFG. Your not wearing any".
Girl: "Ha, yes I am. There black".
MF: "Oh [censored]. My watch is running slow".

[/ QUOTE ]

What are you talking about? That's awesome, as is the one in the OP.

To the OP, Art Monk rules.

gmrankin

10-28-2005, 05:28 AM

guy: I have been thinking of some goals that i want to accomplish in college
Her: really, like what? good GPA? getting into a good grad school? joining a frat?
guy: ummm, no, want to help me with one?
her: sure, i guess...
Guy: want to come back to my place and piss on me?

Klepton

10-28-2005, 06:11 AM

"you know how easy it is to get away with rape?"

whiskeytown

10-28-2005, 07:12 AM

I play poker for a living

RB

10-28-2005, 07:33 AM

"I like every bone in your body, especially mine"
"The word of the day is legs, lets go upstairs and spread the word"

this is the worst one I've used drunk, I walked up to a hottie I knew from campus (this was on a thursday night at a college town bar, you know, "student night")

and said "Hey, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?"

ugh... "Just enough to break the ice"

durron597

10-28-2005, 07:54 AM

Nice shoes. Wanna ***k?

10-28-2005, 07:55 AM

Hey, wanna grab some pizza, head back to my place and screw?

whats the matter, dont like pizza?

and here's kind of a .... tactless one that nevertheless is impressive.

"hi, my name is eric. I have a thirteen inch long tongue, and can breathe through my ears. Can I have your number?"

jakethebake

10-28-2005, 07:55 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Nice shoes. Wanna ***k?

[/ QUOTE ]

I've used this.

4_2_it

10-28-2005, 08:33 AM

"I think the antibiotics worked this time."

Bluffoon

10-28-2005, 09:58 AM

I think they pretty much all are guaranteed to fail.

My favorite has always been the groucho marx classic...

"If I told you you had a nice body would you hold it against me?"

dcasper70

10-28-2005, 10:16 AM

"Hey, are those your boobs on my arm?"

Brad22

10-28-2005, 10:18 AM

[ QUOTE ]
If delivered with charm, self-effacement and the right circumstances I'm sure they do.

[/ QUOTE ]

10-28-2005, 10:21 AM

You: Hey, are you from jamaica?
Her: No
You: Cause yuo are JAMAICAN ME CRAZY

You: Hey, are you from Tennesee
Her: no
You: Cause you are the ONLY TEN I SEE

You have to scream the caps, or else it doesnt work...

jakethebake

10-28-2005, 10:21 AM

[ QUOTE ]
If delivered with charm, self-effacement and the right circumstances I'm sure they do.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, and the right circumstances are that you're talking to a girl who is a drunk, stupid slut.

TheBlueMonster

10-28-2005, 10:23 AM

"You'll do." Simple and effective.

jaydub

10-28-2005, 10:24 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
If delivered with charm, self-effacement and the right circumstances I'm sure they do.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, and the right circumstances are that you're talking to a girl who is a drunk, stupid slut.

[/ QUOTE ]

No.

jakethebake

10-28-2005, 10:24 AM

[ QUOTE ]
"You'll do." Simple and effective.

[/ QUOTE ]

I've used a slightly different version - "Yea, I would." /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

jaydub

10-28-2005, 10:25 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
"You'll do." Simple and effective.

[/ QUOTE ]

I've used a slightly different version - "Yea, I would." /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

No, the point of you'll do is that you are qualifying her.

jakethebake

10-28-2005, 10:26 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
"You'll do." Simple and effective.

[/ QUOTE ]

I've used a slightly different version - "Yea, I would." /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

No, the point of you'll do is that you are qualifying her.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes. The point is the same for Yea, I would.

diebitter

10-28-2005, 10:27 AM

mackthefork

10-28-2005, 10:29 AM

[ QUOTE ]
so wrong. Charm and self-effacement is extremely effective with sober, clever nice girls.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm only interested in drunk philosophy students, do you see why?

Mack

jaydub

10-28-2005, 10:29 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
"You'll do." Simple and effective.

[/ QUOTE ]

I've used a slightly different version - "Yea, I would." /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

No, the point of you'll do is that you are qualifying her.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes. The point is the same for Yea, I would.

[/ QUOTE ]

No it is not, they are very different statements that reflect very different things about the speaker.

jakethebake

10-28-2005, 10:30 AM

[ QUOTE ]
so wrong. Charm and self-effacement is extremely effective with sober, clever nice girls.

[/ QUOTE ]

ok. Here's a challenge. Someone, using "charm and self-effacement" walk up to a sober, clever, nice girl they don't know and say "Suck me, beautiful" and report back. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

jakethebake

10-28-2005, 10:31 AM

[ QUOTE ]
No it is not, they are very different statements that reflect very different things about the speaker.

[/ QUOTE ]

They say exactly the same thing, depending on how you're saying it.

mackthefork

10-28-2005, 10:33 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
so wrong. Charm and self-effacement is extremely effective with sober, clever nice girls.

[/ QUOTE ]

ok. Here's a challenge. Someone, using "charm and self-effacement" walk up to a sober, clever, nice girl they don't know and say "Suck me, beautiful" and report back. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

Film quotes almost never work, heres one I used at Chester zoo;

Shoot the ostrich

Went down like a lead balloon.

Mack

BobboFitos

10-28-2005, 10:34 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I play poker for a living

RB

[/ QUOTE ]

amen, I have no idea why thats such a cock block

diebitter

10-28-2005, 10:44 AM

I always liked:

'What likes blowjobs, speaks French and will make you cum your brains out?'

MOI!

Never fails. Always keep your mouth open when insulting a lady holding a drink.

SheetWise

10-28-2005, 10:49 AM

[ QUOTE ]
ok. Here's a challenge. Someone, using "charm and self-effacement" walk up to a sober, clever, nice girl they don't know and say "Suck me, beautiful" and report back.

[/ QUOTE ]
The doctor said the swelling will go down in a couple days.

SheetWise

10-28-2005, 10:53 AM

I'm sure your conversation accurately reflects what must be going through the womans mind. Parsing every word to determine the speakers intent.

hobbsmann

10-28-2005, 10:57 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I always liked:

'What likes blowjobs, speaks French and will make you cum your brains out?'

MOI!

Never fails. Always keep your mouth open when insulting a lady holding a drink.

[/ QUOTE ]

Similar:

"What has two thumbs and likes blowjobs? *points thumbs at himself* Me!"

Of course this line is so versatile you can replace the 'likes blowjobs' with so many other things.

mackthefork

10-28-2005, 10:57 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I'm sure your conversation accurately reflects what must be going through the womans mind. Parsing every word to determine the speakers intent.

[/ QUOTE ]

True only if she posts on the politics forum of 2+2.

Mack

WDC

10-28-2005, 11:00 AM

Hi my name is Bill? Hasn't worked once yet.

diebitter

10-28-2005, 11:02 AM

Try

'Hi! You know, I like to consider myself frank and earnest. At home with the wife and kids, I'm Frank, and here, I'm Ernest....'

BeerMoney

10-28-2005, 11:04 AM

Do U pass out?

jakethebake

10-28-2005, 11:07 AM

I'm new in town and I'm a little lost. Mind giving me directions to your house?

WDC

10-28-2005, 11:07 AM

Back in 1984 while at spring break my roomate and I were talking to a group of three girls. Out of nowhere he says "Anyone want to go back to my room at [censored]." Two of the girls took him up on it, leaving me to play wingman to the only prude in the bunch. God college sucked for me.

diebitter

10-28-2005, 11:13 AM

Yeah, sometimes direct works. I never tried myself, and usually the pretty boys are the ones who seem to get this.

I knew a hound who I was at a party with once. It was boring, and we were getting ready to go. He says 'give me 10', goes up to some little fat girl, basically says, 'come upstairs', takes her upstairs and does a turn with her in the bathroom, and 10 minutes later we're all just about ready in the hall, preparing to leave, and he just comes bounding down the stairs and walks out the front door without saying a word. The cool mf!

Another time, I was in a bar where I worked, and saw two guys talking, girl stands nearby, and one turns around and says 'fancy a fk?'.

She goes 'yeah, but not with you!'
Number two, says 'how about me?'

She nods, they take a walk around the bar, and then leave. number one got the piss ripped out of him! hehehe

David04

10-29-2005, 12:48 AM

[ QUOTE ]
The worst one I ever saw that actually worked:

My friend (very drunk): "I have a magic watch".
Girl (sober & suspicous): "Oh yeah?"
MF: "It can tell what colour knickers your wearing."
Girl: "Yeah right, whatever. Go on then"
MF: Fiddles with watch a bit. Shakes it, brings it to his ear. "Woooow. OMFG. Your not wearing any".
Girl: "Ha, yes I am. There black".
MF: "Oh [censored]. My watch is running slow".

[/ QUOTE ]
Okay, maybe I'm stupid, but I have been thinking about this for a while. Wouldn't the "watch" be running fast?

Punker

10-29-2005, 01:00 AM

I prefer :

"I might not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you."

SheetWise

10-29-2005, 01:08 AM

"Does this look infected?"

/images/graemlins/wink.gif

Chris Daddy Cool

10-29-2005, 01:24 AM

Can I stick it in your pooper?

diebitter

10-29-2005, 01:25 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Can I stick it in your pooper?

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, if you don't be polite and say 'please', what do you expect...

4thstreetpete

10-29-2005, 01:35 AM

The worst one I've ever heard that actually worked was when a friend was at a club. He was completely hammered and outside the club he approached this chick and

"hi, I want to do something with you that rhymes with duck." /images/graemlins/confused.gif

SinCityGuy

10-29-2005, 02:02 AM

"You are a little older than I am used to, but can you buy me a drink?"

bholdr

10-29-2005, 02:04 AM

http://www.bigbruin.com/reviews/tvbox/large/cap4.jpg
"I wanna be on you."

diebitter

10-29-2005, 02:06 AM

"I do 3 things great. Get drunk, screw, or punch people in the face. I'm drunk. What do you want me to do now?"

rusellmj

10-29-2005, 02:37 AM

[ QUOTE ]

Okay, maybe I'm stupid, but I have been thinking about this for a while. Wouldn't the "watch" be running fast?

[/ QUOTE ]

I was kinda thinking the same thing.