Jewish jokes

[Cyrus]

These two were e-mailed by a Jewish friend.

Two Jews are sitting in the park reading their newspapers. One is reading the Jerusalem Post and the other the National Socialist Aryan Post. Finally, the first guy asks the second "I hope you don't mind me asking but you are a Jew so why are you reading that anti-semitic nazi newspaper?"

The other guy says "Look, man, if I read the Jerusalem Post, it tells me that things are going very bad in Israel, that things are gonna get even worse, that we are again facing grave dangers, that we Jews will typically foul up things, etceteta etcetera."

"But I read this paper here, and it says we are behind every big corporation, that we control the mind of the American President and that the Jews will soon take over the whole world. I mean, it's not even a choice"...

* * *

Two beggars are sitting outside the St Peter cathedral in Rome one next to the other. One is holding a big Christian cross and the other holds a huge Star of David. The passers-by look at the two beggars and give money only to the one with the big Christian cross, and they all give the other beggar some looks. By the end of the day, the beggar with the big Christian cross is doing very well and the other beggar exactly zero.

Finally a Catholic priest approaches the two beggars and says to the guy holding the Jewish symbol "Peace, my friend, we are all children of the same God. I've been watching you and listen, you're not going about this the right way. Look around! You're in a deeply religious Christian country. Everybody here is a good Catholic. The people will prefer to help the man with the Cross of our Savior Jesus Christ rather than you. In fact, I'm sure some folks will go out of their way to help the other fella just to spite you! Listen to me. The best way to attract some money is to get yourself a Cross too and make sure people see it!"

The beggar with the Star of David wearily turned to the other beggar and said "Hey, Haim, I think this guy's trying to give us advice on marketing.."

[Zeno]

Great jokes!

I’ll add one more.

***************************************


A Baptist Preacher, Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi all live on the same block. By chance they all purchase a new automobile at the same time. To christen their new purchases the Baptist Preacher immersed his car in a swimming pool. The Catholic Priest sprinkles Holy Water on the hood ornament of his car. The Rabbi observes these rituals and then grabs a hacksaw and goes out to his car and cuts 6 inches off the tailpipe.

[Timer]

A reporter is overseas and happens up a Israeli, a Russian and an American. The reporter asks each one of them the same question.

"Excuse me please, but could you tell me what you think about the food shortage?"

The Russian replys, "What is food?"

The American says, "What is a shortage?"

The Israeli responds, "What is excuse me?"

[Cyrus]

Here's one more I just remembered but you have to hear it from a Jew, with all the proper terms and all, to appreciate it.

* * *

A Jew goes to the synagogue with his dog. The rabbi rushes to him and says "Hey, whoa, my good man, you cannot bring a DOG to the synagogue! This is a sacred place."

The man shakes his head. "You don't understand. This is not a dog like other dogs." "What do you mean?" asks the rabbi. "I mean this dog can pray and do all the things a good faithful Jew must perform in his synagogue with all the necessary customs and respect". "What are you talking about??" asks the incredulous rabbi.

"Here, I'll show you" says the man and turns to the dog "Go ahead, Alfie."

The dog solemnly takes out from a bag round its neck the small cap that Jews wear, uses its paws to place it on the backtop of its head, than takes out the cloth that goes round the neck and very elaborately places it round its neck, then takes out a Torah, which he proceeds to open very carefully and respectfully and with its body going back and forth starts reading it.

"THAT'S AMAZING!!!" cries the rabbi. "I've never seen anything like this in my entire life. Man, this is one clever dog! You know, you should take this dog to HOLLYWOOD. You're gonna make MILLIONS!.."

Tha man again shakes his head sadly.

"Well, rabbi, you tell him that. He wants to be a doctor."

[John Cole]

A woman walks into a bakery and asks, "How much are your bagels?"

"Two dollars a dozen," says the baker.

"But the baker across the street sells them for one dollar a dozen," she replies.

"Then," says the baker, "go across the street and buy them."

"But he's out of them," says the woman.

"Okay," replies the baker, "when I'm out, I'll sell them for a dollar a dozen, too."

Paraphrased from The Joys of Yiddish, an indispensible reference work.

[Jimbo]

John I use this story to train my salespeople how to handle "their price is lower" objection when the other business is not able to provide the product the client wants. I find it quite effective, however we use a butcher and pork chops rather than bagels. /forums/images/icons/smile.gif

[Dr Wogga]

..a Jewish family moves into a southern redneck town. To try and help her 14 year old son adjust, his mother signs him up for a local football team. Meeting the coach for the first time, he asks her if her son prefers offense or defense. Thinking fast, she says: "Defense" The coach smiles and tells her we need kids that can get the quarterback and practice is tomorrow at noon. So the next day, the Jewish kid shows up for football practive with a piggy bank...........

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi go fishing. All of a sudden, the priest stands up in the rowboat and announces he has to say a special prayer for one of his parishoners, but he left his prayerbook in the car. With that, he jumps out of the boat, runs across the top of the water, gets his prayerbook from the car, kneels down, says a quick prayer, puts the prayerbook back into the car, runs back across the top of the water, and jumps back into the boat. A little while goes by, the minister remembers he has a 10AM call with a local Protestant charity organization, but left his cell phone in the car. He jumps out of the boat, runs across the water, gets out his cell phone, dials into the conference call, and two minutes later, is running back across the water and jumps back into the boat. Noon comes and the rabbi says, he has to say his special high noon prayer, jumps out of the boat and sinks to the bottom of the lake. The priest looks at the minister and says: "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"

[Cyrus]

Two cars bump into each other in an accident and out come the drivers and it's a Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi. The cars are a mess.

The rabbi approaches the priest with his hands extended. "My brother, let us not allow this measly materialistic incident get in the way of our lives and spoil our day! We may be of different faith but we are all children of the same God, whom we all worship under differen faiths. My brother, I truly hold no ill towards you no matter what."

The priest is touched by the rabbi's words. "Rabbi", he says, "you are speaking with wisdom. I agree with you. This is just one way of God testing us to see through our patience and our faith. I don't care about the cars either. Come 'ere!.." He opens his arms and he and the rabbi embrace warmly.

"I have with me the traditional Jewish religious piece of food which I will share with you", the rabbi says beaming, goes into the wrecked car and gets it. "I also will share with you my precious, home-made Jewish wine."

The priest is given a piece of the Jewish food and takes a gallant, healthy swig of the rabbi's Jewish wine. "This is real tasty wine, my brother!", the priest exclaims. "Here, have your turn."

Rabbi says "Thanks but I prefer that we just wait for the police, won't be long."

[Dr Wogga]

[Timer]

This joke was originally told by Buddy Hackett on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I think I was about 12 years old when I saw it. This is one of my favorite all time jokes and much of its charm comes with the telling. Buddy Hackett would always crack me up.

I have told this joke many times and I get one of two responses--a hearty guffaw or, "Huh?", and a blank stare.



There were two Martians flying around in their spaceship over New York City, when all of a sudden they developed a mechanical problem. They had to bring down their spaceship and when they did they crash landed. When they got out to inspect the damage they noticed they had a couple of broken wheels.

So, they start walking down the street looking for a wheel store when they happen upon a bagel shop with a couple of giant bagels hanging on a string in the window.

“Hey look!” says one Martian to the other. “There’s some wheels for our spaceship!”

They go inside and one of the Martians says to the proprietor, “Hi, we’d like to buy a couple of those wheels for our spaceship.”

The owner looks at them kind of funny and says, “Veels, vhat you talking about veels, days bagels, you eat them with cream cheese!”

The one Martian turns to the other one and says, “Hey you know, those might go pretty good with locks.”