Girlfriend Advice Needed

[Laddy]

Hi Guys,

Quite new to the forum, been reading it for a good few months though. Great site, great people it seems. Anyway, I need a little girlfriend advice (sorry, does it need to to related to poker for me to post here?)

I've only been with her for a month and she's amazing. But for some reason when I go out and get drunk I can't stop pulling other girls. Last night I slept with one....and i'm really really mad at myself for doing it.

But when drunk I just don't really think about it. In the north of England where I live there's just so many temptations. I'd do anything to reverse what I did last night. Any amount of money, anything.

She'd be so upset if she found out..she'd be devastated and i'd also be devastated if she broke up with me, even though i deserve it after the stupid thing I did.

Am I a terrible person? Or does everyone do this once in a while? What shall I do now?

Sorry for the emotional tears lol. Any advice would be much appreciato.

Cheers guys,

Jack.

[ QUOTE ]
I'd do anything to reverse what I did last night. Any amount of money, anything.


[/ QUOTE ]

Transfer me $5000 ASAP.

Posting in OOT (Other Other Topics) will earn you some quality advice as well. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[4_2_it]

Well, I guess you found out how much you really like your girlfriend. You are one month into the relationship so it is hard to believe that either of you has made any sort of a firm commitment. While deceit is not the best foundation to establish a relationship, you probably can't admit anything without chasing her off. So you have some soul searching to do and decisions to make. You can change your behavior or keep acting like a fool, get catch and get your comeuppance.

[Messy_Jesse]

I saw a movie recently, where one of the guys in it said some of the best advice in regards to this that I have heard. The point he made was that if you really like her, then telling her is the worst thing you can do. The hard part is living with your own pain for having done that. Telling her would just shift the burden of pain to her so that you can "feel betteer" about yourself. That's the weak way out. What you have to do now is learn from your mistake, deal with the pain of knowing that you cheated on her, and then lie to her-- don't tell her, but more importantly, don't do it again. Its not fun, and it would be a lot better if you hadnt done that, but all that doesnt matter anymore. This is the hand you've been dealt, and now you have to proceed from here.

[arod15]

Standard if your under 24. I say pull them all but let her go if you really care about her. Your obviously not ready to commit. Once your ready it will be easier to avoid these situations altogether. What i have learned from over a year with the same girl is to not put myself in bad spots. I have been good which is a complete change for me. Like i said dont worry about it and cut her loose if you really care...

Sounds more like you need self control than girlfriend advice to me. I hate when people use "I was drunk!" as an excuse for their mistakes. You don't want to be in a relationship at this time in your life, otherwise you wouldn't have slept with the other girl.

Learn to control yourself when you drink, it's not that hard to do. If you can't exercise self control, don't go to places where you'll be tempted to do idiotic things, like cheat on a girl you say you care about.

I think you will have to do one or the other

A) give up drinking

B) give up the girl /images/graemlins/confused.gif

What people say and do when their drunk is what they think when their sober. Don't want to do it again if you really care about her.

Go buy Season 3 of "Friends", watch the one where Ross and Rachel take a break. You'll learn what not to do. Oh yea, don't be a dork like Ross either... never could figure out how he got Rachel in the first place /images/graemlins/confused.gif

What is the secret code-phrase to get them to sleep with you? I'm having trouble figuring this one out /images/graemlins/confused.gif

Tell her, apologize and break up. If she wants you back, deal with it then. It's not worth deceiving her after one month of being together. You probably subconsciously don't want to be in a relationship or you wouldn't have undermined it in this fashion.

I respect the opinion of people who think it's better to live with the pain, but honestly, I think most people want the truth, regardless of the pain. I'm one of them, and having been cheated on I can say it's infinitely better knowing about it than wondering. My gf is gone now but at least she was honest about it. You should be honest too, and realize it's probably the end. Does this suck? Yeah. But perhaps the pain you've created will serve you well the next time you want to pull this [censored].

[SNOWBALL138]

If you feel bad about what you did, don't do it again. Telling her about what you did will make both of you feel worse, and no good can come of it. On the other hand, if you think that you can't control yourself in the future, its probably better that you end the relationship by any means necessary, because neither you nor your girlfriend will be happy with your repeated infidelity.

I sort of understand what your feeling in a distilled way. One time, I woke up thinking "OMFG, I cheated on Mollee! I wish I were dead, I am such a piece of shite." I quickly realized that it was just an extremely vivid dream, and I had done nothing wrong. Incidentally, I almost wish I had cheated on her, because she turned out to be such a rotten whore, but thats more than a little off topic.

Kind regards,
Snowball

[Laddy]

Thank you all for the advice you've given, it's much appreciated.

I agree with the first couple of posters, in my scenario it's probably better to forget about it and just don't do it again. We all make mistakes that we do regret, it's part of life.

We can't wallow forever. I think people saying that the fact that it happens means I don't wanna be in a relationship with her isn't really true. What people do when they're drunk (i'm not using it as an excuse - alcohol is NOT an excuse EVER) doesn't really reflect their true feelings....sometimes it does like when you tell a friend they're great etc, but alot of the time it's just [censored].

I'll just see how it goes, try and forget about it for now...these things happen but you can't wallow forever.

As for "Bright" asking what you have to say to a girl to be able to sleep with her....well i'm no advice giver, but IMHO it doesn't matter what you say to girls, it matters how you act, in terms of self confidence, but not arrogance (even though some shallow girls also dig arrogance).

The moment you show a girl that you're happy and comfortable with yourself and who you are, and that you're just as good as her, she'll easily be yours (of course this is not always the case, but it's the best way to act around a girl - just be self confident).

The problem is that self confidence can't be taught, you've just gotta find it in yourself to believe that you're a great person, and deserve to be able to make friends with other decent people, and have relationships with nice people, who are also self confident.

It's a sad fate, but most girls don't want to be with a guy who is underconfident. Since we don't make the rules, we should at least stick to them /images/graemlins/smile.gif

This is all just my opinion and of course it doesn't fit in with what many people probably believe, but FWIW that's my naivety at 21 years of age.

Cheers guys.

[SNOWBALL138]

Hi Laddy,

I think your outlook on striking I fine balance between self-confidence and arrogance is correct. I think that self-confidence with a dash of humility here and there is a winning combination. Appropriate displays of humility reveal that you are comfortable with who you are, and aren't inconsistent with self-confidence.

I've noticed for myself that when I am depressed, woman don't respond very well to me. Fortunately, I feel good about myself right now, and the ladies are responding well too. /images/graemlins/cool.gif

Best wishes,
Snowball

[4thstreetpete]

[ QUOTE ]
I saw a movie recently, where one of the guys in it said some of the best advice in regards to this that I have heard. The point he made was that if you really like her, then telling her is the worst thing you can do. The hard part is living with your own pain for having done that. Telling her would just shift the burden of pain to her so that you can "feel betteer" about yourself. That's the weak way out. What you have to do now is learn from your mistake, deal with the pain of knowing that you cheated on her, and then lie to her-- don't tell her, but more importantly, don't do it again. Its not fun, and it would be a lot better if you hadnt done that, but all that doesnt matter anymore. This is the hand you've been dealt, and now you have to proceed from here.

[/ QUOTE ]

Holy crap! that is some ridiculoulsy good advice. I never really did thought of it that way. I cheated on a gf that I really was in love with many years ago and I've felt like the biggest A-hole ever since. This was the sweetest girl I've ever met and she treated me as the best thing that has ever happened to her. Sadly this wasn't the first time I cheated on past girlfriends. The others I didn't care about but this one really did hurt. It only happened once and it was definately not worth it.

I'm such a jerk and ended up breaking it up with her because I couldn't live with myself. She really was the sweetest girl in the world and I truly felt she deserved someone a whole lot better than me. I know that sometimes when you really love someone you want them to be happy even if that person is not with you.
Even to this day I still feel like crap though, because we're still friends and I never did tell her. I hate to keep this from her but the bottom line is I'm such a coward. Your post does kind of make me feel better. I've definately learnt from it.

[vexvelour]

My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me a year into our relationship. I found out through friends, and it was completely devistating.


Please have the balls to tell her.

This is so important. Trust me on this one, we prefer honesty over anything. If she dumps you, you deserve it. If she doesn't, don't ever cheat on her again or I'm coming for those prized nuts of yours.

Edit: I probably should mention that afterwards I forgave him and we've been together another 2 years. Just tell her.

Nothing good can come out of telling her. Just make sure its a well kept secret. !!!

[vexvelour]

Hell no man. Sooner or later she will find out and:

Increment of time you take to tell her = wrath x5

[octop]

your boyfriend told u he cheated and you took him back?
hes done it again and you deserve it for telling him its ok

[vexvelour]

[ QUOTE ]
your boyfriend told u he cheated and you took him back?
hes done it again and you deserve it for telling him its ok

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't remember asking for your opinion. This is not the case, and don't try to pass me off as a moron just because I gave the kid the right advice.

Sometimes good people just [censored] up.

[octop]

I am free to give my opinion, you can choose to ignore it.
I never said you were stupid.
I just said if he does it again you have yourself to blame for allowing it the first time.

[vexvelour]

Fortunately, I do not have to worry about my relationship.

Now, back to the OP.

[4_2_it]

Isn't cheating on someone one year into a relationship much different than one month. Are you really serious after one month?

When I started dating my wife I still dated other girls for the first couple of months until we got serious. Unless OP was in the serious stage after one month, I don't think this is an unpardonable sin.

It all depends on what she thinks the relationship is, right?

(Hey, Vex, I'm not starting a fight because I think you are a good poster, just trying to present a counter point here.)

[KaneKungFu123]

[ QUOTE ]
I saw a movie recently, where one of the guys in it said some of the best advice in regards to this that I have heard. The point he made was that if you really like her, then telling her is the worst thing you can do. The hard part is living with your own pain for having done that. Telling her would just shift the burden of pain to her so that you can "feel betteer" about yourself. That's the weak way out. What you have to do now is learn from your mistake, deal with the pain of knowing that you cheated on her, and then lie to her-- don't tell her, but more importantly, don't do it again. Its not fun, and it would be a lot better if you hadnt done that, but all that doesnt matter anymore. This is the hand you've been dealt, and now you have to proceed from here.

[/ QUOTE ]

so if your gf is sucking some other dudes cock, she is doing the right thing in not telling you?

[KaneKungFu123]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I saw a movie recently, where one of the guys in it said some of the best advice in regards to this that I have heard. The point he made was that if you really like her, then telling her is the worst thing you can do. The hard part is living with your own pain for having done that. Telling her would just shift the burden of pain to her so that you can "feel betteer" about yourself. That's the weak way out. What you have to do now is learn from your mistake, deal with the pain of knowing that you cheated on her, and then lie to her-- don't tell her, but more importantly, don't do it again. Its not fun, and it would be a lot better if you hadnt done that, but all that doesnt matter anymore. This is the hand you've been dealt, and now you have to proceed from here.

[/ QUOTE ]

Holy crap! that is some ridiculoulsy good advice. I never really did thought of it that way. I cheated on a gf that I really was in love with many years ago and I've felt like the biggest A-hole ever since. This was the sweetest girl I've ever met and she treated me as the best thing that has ever happened to her. Sadly this wasn't the first time I cheated on past girlfriends. The others I didn't care about but this one really did hurt. It only happened once and it was definately not worth it.

I'm such a jerk and ended up breaking it up with her because I couldn't live with myself. She really was the sweetest girl in the world and I truly felt she deserved someone a whole lot better than me. I know that sometimes when you really love someone you want them to be happy even if that person is not with you.
Even to this day I still feel like crap though, because we're still friends and I never did tell her. I hate to keep this from her but the bottom line is I'm such a coward. Your post does kind of make me feel better. I've definately learnt from it.

[/ QUOTE ]

Jesus, you guys are so pathetic.

OP: You aren't doing the right thing by not telling her, you are doing the selfish thing, which is good for you.

HERE IS THE THING: YOU CHEATED ON HER. YOU AREN'T WORTHY OF HAVING HER AS A GIRL FRIEND. YOU ARE A PIECE OF [censored]. YOU ARE NOT DOING HER A BIG FAVOR BY SHEILDING HER FROM THE REAL YOU. GET OVER YOURSELF YOU EGOMANIC! SHE IS BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU. IF YOU HAD ANY BALLS, YOU'D STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH AND GO AND TELL HER THE TRUTH.

[KaneKungFu123]

DON'T YOU THINK SHE SHOULD BE THE ONE TO DECIDE IF IT WAS "OKAY BECAUSE YOU WERE DRUNK"?

[cero_z]

Hi KKF,

[ QUOTE ]
Jesus, you guys are so pathetic.

OP: You aren't doing the right thing by not telling her, you are doing the selfish thing, which is good for you.


[/ QUOTE ]

End of thread.

[ QUOTE ]

HERE IS THE THING: YOU CHEATED ON HER. YOU AREN'T WORTHY OF HAVING HER AS A GIRL FRIEND. YOU ARE A PIECE OF [censored]. YOU ARE NOT DOING HER A BIG FAVOR BY SHEILDING HER FROM THE REAL YOU. GET OVER YOURSELF YOU EGOMANIC! SHE IS BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU. IF YOU HAD ANY BALLS, YOU'D STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH AND GO AND TELL HER THE TRUTH.

[/ QUOTE ]

Easy on the salsa, hombre

[ QUOTE ]
I've noticed for myself that when I am depressed, woman don't respond very well to me. Fortunately, I feel good about myself right now, and the ladies are responding well too.

[/ QUOTE ]

/images/graemlins/heart.gif /images/graemlins/heart.gif /images/graemlins/heart.gif Me too. Gotta love the ladies. Running well in the dating world is even better than running well at poker (tho not nearly as profitable.)

[jzpiano14]

[ QUOTE ]
I am free to give my opinion, you can choose to ignore it.
I never said you were stupid.
I just said if he does it again you have yourself to blame for allowing it the first time.

[/ QUOTE ]

Be nice to the lady

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I've noticed for myself that when I am depressed, woman don't respond very well to me. Fortunately, I feel good about myself right now, and the ladies are responding well too.

[/ QUOTE ]

/images/graemlins/heart.gif /images/graemlins/heart.gif /images/graemlins/heart.gif Me too. Gotta love the ladies. Running well in the dating world is even better than running well at poker (tho not nearly as profitable.)

[/ QUOTE ]

it's actually pretty -$EV.

to the guy whose fat fingers held down the shift key.... if you want yourself to be taken seriously, act like an adult. Also, you're immature and unworthy to give advice to anyone if you cant refrain from calling someone a piece of [censored] because they made a human mistake.

To the female who took back her boyfriend, nicely done. Dudes make mistakes, and so do chicks. It's about time one forgave the other.

Course, if he DOES do it again, rip em off and put em on the mantle.

[SNOWBALL138]

Hi Behemoth,

You really need to read posts carefully before you make remarks like "Also, you're immature and unworthy to give advice to anyone if you cant refrain from calling someone a piece of [censored] because they made a human mistake."

My post said "you're such a piece of shite" self- referentially in regards to the time I thought I cheated on my girlfriend but had actually just dreamed I had.

[SNOWBALL138]

The answer is yes.

[vexvelour]

[ QUOTE ]
To the female who took back her boyfriend, nicely done. Dudes make mistakes, and so do chicks. It's about time one forgave the other.

Course, if he DOES do it again, rip em off and put em on the mantle.

[/ QUOTE ]

exactly.

[chuddo]

[ QUOTE ]
Hi KKF,

[ QUOTE ]
Jesus, you guys are so pathetic.

OP: You aren't doing the right thing by not telling her, you are doing the selfish thing, which is good for you.


[/ QUOTE ]

End of thread.

[/ QUOTE ]

bingo bango bongo.

[tdarko]

i didn't read through the dribbled responses...mat, can you cross-post this to OOT please? thanks.

[diebitter]

If this isn't just a boast post, which I think it might be, then here's the advice.

DON'T DO IT

[Aceshigh7]

Keep pulling the other women and don't tell your gf. Hell, she's probably sleeping with other guys anyways, or would given the opportunity. Women, even the sweetest of them, are capable of some cold [censored] up [censored].

>>TO SNOWBALL<<


riiiiight.... yeah, um... let's see, how to do this and escape with some dignity...

I knew that's what you meant, I was delving into a level 3 internet forum sarcastic response?

a "you know that I know that you're being sarcastic, and so I'll act like I dont?"

....okay, sorry.

[bardolph]

I don't think there's a blanket answer to this one. It really depends on you, your girlfriend, and the relationship.

If you can't live with the secret, you're going to tell her. That's inevitable.

If she asks you, tell her the truth. Unless she actually prefers being lied to. In which case leave her now.

If she doesn't ask you about it, then there's no reason to force the issue with her. You may only succeed in bringing conflict to an otherwise harmonious relationship.

There's also a lot of gray area in between. If she repeatedly mentions "golly, it would sure suck if you were CHEATING ON ME. I'm glad you're not CHEATING ON ME," this is tantamount to asking you directly, and you ought to fess up. Also note that you're dating a passive-aggressive personality. Be warned.

Also, if you blab about your infidelities to mutual friends and acquantainces, this is dangerously close to confessing directly, and she will probably have to force the issue with you, if only to save her own dignity.

Of course, there's no guarantee your relationship will survive either way. Those are the breaks. You're just going to have to deal with that.

[Messy_Jesse]

Noone is saying that cheating is a good thing. The point is, if you have done it, and you care about the person, and aren't going to keep doing it, then what good comes out of telling her? Is a practical thing; so chill out. Noone is telling you that its OK to cheat, but I do think that it is OK to lie sometimes, especially when the only benefits are that you feel better, while making someone that you supposedly care about hurt.

[KaneKungFu123]

[ QUOTE ]
Noone is saying that cheating is a good thing. The point is, if you have done it, and you care about the person, and aren't going to keep doing it, then what good comes out of telling her? Is a practical thing; so chill out. Noone is telling you that its OK to cheat, but I do think that it is OK to lie sometimes, especially when the only benefits are that you feel better, while making someone that you supposedly care about hurt.

[/ QUOTE ]

so if your gf screws another guy, but like "isnt gonna do it anymore now" its ok for her not to tell you about it?

[ QUOTE ]


so if your gf screws another guy, but like "isnt gonna do it anymore now" its ok for her not to tell you about it?

[/ QUOTE ]

A relationship is about honesty. Without honesty and trust, you have nothing. I agree completely with you.

If my S/O cheats on me, I want to know so I can reevaluate the relationship and go from there.

If I was in a committed relationship for a month and she cheated on me, it's lights out. I have better things to do than waste any more time on that. 6 months? I might give her another chance depending on cirumstances.

I'd much rather know about it so I know where I stand in the relationship.

[bobman0330]

[ QUOTE ]
I'll just see how it goes, try and forget about it for now...these things happen but you can't wallow forever.

[/ QUOTE ]

Wow, it's really big of you to be so forgiving of yourself.

[Lash]

[ QUOTE ]
The point is , if you have done it, and you care about the person, and aren't going to keep doing it, then what good comes out of telling her ?

[/ QUOTE ]

Are you sure this is the point? … Are you really, really sure?

Your opinion of what is “good” and what is “not good” is virtually meaningless. My advice to you, and to the OP… Attempt to figure out the meaning of the word INTEGRITY. Especially before deceiving another and thinking your motive for that deception makes it “right” or “good”.

[ QUOTE ]
I do think that it is OK to lie sometimes, especially when the only benefits are that you feel better, while making someone that you supposedly care about hurt.

[/ QUOTE ]

Anyone you care about is entitled to their own opinions regarding what hurts and what does not. They are also entitled to their own opinions as to how to deal with “hurt” or any other emotion they feel.

[Messy_Jesse]

The thing is, not everyone subscribes wholly to your definition of "integrity". I definitely have morals, and value integrity, but not to the point that I will let my selfish conception of "integrity" harm someone I care about. Don't get me wrong, I have a gf that I love and have always been faithful to, but at the same time, I'm not willing to slam someone for deciding that in their case, the best thing to do is to not bring it up. It doesn't make sense. It is certainly an individual decision, and being that, it will vary from person to person and situation to situation. Throwing a blanket over it all and saying that you "have to tell her" because of your own conception of integrity, is, in my eyes, selfish and unneccessary. Make the most practical decision, based upon your knowledge of yourself and of the situation.

[Lash]

[ QUOTE ]
it's probably better to forget about it and just don't do it again. We all make mistakes that we do regret, it's part of life.

[/ QUOTE ]

The above statement may be part of what you think is life. BUT… You owe it to anyone you claim to “care about” or “love” to find out if it is part of what they think is life.

If someone you care about truly understands you… They should understand what you think is a “mistake” and how you think these “mistakes” should be dealt with.

[Lash]

[ QUOTE ]
I value integrity, but not to the point that I will let my selfish conception of "integrity" harm someone I care about.

[/ QUOTE ]

You are stating that concepts individuals consider valuable should not be imposed on others. I agree to some extent… however…

The above is exactly why I feel that being honest with your g/f or s/o regarding infidelity is almost always a good thing. Let them decide for themselves what is important and valuable to them, then respond to that.

I had a girlfriend tell me this once. It hurt a lot. I used to love her...but I had to kill her. I had to put her 6 feet under.

[Lash]

Damn... that's just stone cold scary... I sang that song at karaoke a couple nights ago in a drunken stupor

[KaneKungFu123]

why are those supporting OP lying to gf avoiding the question: If it was her who cheated, would you want to know?

[Messy_Jesse]

Yeah, but there's definitely a good bit of truth to the adage "What you don't know, can't hurt you." And of course you would want to know, but that might not necessarily be the best for the situation.

[vexvelour]

Glad to see some are still good people out there in the world. Self-respecting people don't run from the truth, tell lies and otherwise avoid the inevitable.

Look OP, if you want to feel like [censored], lie to her. If you want to face reality, tell her and deal with the situation accordingly.

[jmgurgeh]

You abused your girlfriend's trust. Whether she might find out is not relevant. You now have a choice. You can A) abuse her trust again by not telling her or B) take responsibility for your actions.

Cue lots of people coming up with the most ridiculous ideas in the world about why nothing good comes of taking responsibility.

If you care about her, it's a pretty simple choice. Do you respect her? Do you want what's best for her? If you answer yes then you have to tell her and let her decide if it's worth continuing the relationship with you. She'll be hurt, but she'll get over it soon because you've only been together an extremely short amount of time. She'll have a better idea of who she should and shouldn't trust in the future. Most of all, it puts the ball back in her court and allows her to continue her life as she believes is best, not how your selfish instincts think is best. Anything else means that deep down, you don't really care that much about her, you care about what she does for you. "I'm not going to tell her because it would only hurt her and then she might do something not in her best interest like leave me, when I'm clearly the best thing for her," is just a rationalized form of "I'm a coward and I don't really care about her after all, but I like having sex on a regular basis." Truly amazing how many people defend that logic though.

"Am I a terrible person?" is just asking people to tell you it's okay to lie to her. You definitely acted like an ass; whether you are a terrible person or not will soon be determined by what you do after acting like an ass.

P.S.- If you can't control yourself, lay off the drink. There's nothing more infuriating than someone who puts him/herself into risky situations so as to induce the "But I didn't mean to- it just happened" defense after something bad happens.

P.P.S.- Listen to KKF EVEN IF HE DOES HAVE A BROKEN CAPSLOCK KEY.

[Messy_Jesse]

I really think that those who keep saying "You are a piece of sh!t for not telling her, you are horrible, etc., etc." need to come off their self-righteous pedastal and stop using vague and ambiguous appeals to "what's right"- I sincerely believe that if the OP can learn from his mistake and if he truly still wants to give things with this girl a try, then not telling her is OK, as long as he makes the proper adjustments. Noone is perfect, not even you bastions of integrity who claim that honesty is always the best policy. What's really important is learning from your mistake and protecting those you love from unneccessary pain, even when it comes at the expense of your own anguish from knowingly lying about it. It's selfish to satisfy your own thirst for "integrity" by force-feeding a loved-one unchangeable and unneccessary realities.

[Lash]

Jmgurgeh's advice above is the best you will find in this thread.

[jmgurgeh]

[ QUOTE ]
What's really important is learning from your mistake and protecting those you love from unneccessary pain, even when it comes at the expense of your own anguish from knowingly lying about it.

[/ QUOTE ]

Oh god, the anguish of not having to take any responsibility for your actions! How would anyone ever live with that! You, sir, are truly a moral martyr to love.


[ QUOTE ]
It's selfish to satisfy your own thirst for "integrity" by force-feeding a loved-one unchangeable and unneccessary realities.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thought this "beared" repeating: "I'm not going to tell her because it would only hurt her and then she might do something not in her best interest like leave me, when I'm clearly the best thing for her."

I must be psychic.

Anyway I'm off to satisfy my thirst for "integrity." I'm such an [censored].

[krubban]

[ QUOTE ]
Hell no man. Sooner or later she will find out and:

Increment of time you take to tell her = wrath x5

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm no casanova but sitting here as I do, studying mathematics, I can't help to think that the formula should be:
Increment of time you take to tell her * 5 = wrath

[Laddy]

Thanks for all your contributions. There's some great advice, from both sides of the argument, and I think in the end it's just about a personal matter of opinion, and no answer is necessarily right or wrong. It's more about personal circumstances and the relationship between the two people. This isn't to say it isn't wrong....cheating is absolutely unforgivable in every single circumstance. However, no one's perfect, and I made a stupid and costly mistake.

As it stands i'm fairly comfortable with myself not telling her, as long as it NEVER happens again. If it does of course, i'll have to be honest....as you guys have got it right, it's not fair on her at all.

Anyway I think it's better to close the topic here as everyone's probably getting bored of seeing this right at the top of the Psychology forum (wrong forum anyway isn't it...should of been in other topics - apologies.

All the best to all of you in your future relationships, don't use me as an example, as i'm an [censored].

Thanks again,

Laddy.

[Messy_Jesse]

[ QUOTE ]
"I'm not going to tell her because it would only hurt her and then she might do something not in her best interest like leave me, when I'm clearly the best thing for her."


[/ QUOTE ]

Here is the ultimate point. Its fine not to tell her if you are intent on changing and not repeating this. This is because if you tell her, it is almost a certainty that she will not be able to appreciate and/or understand that you have changed. She will base her decision to leave you on the grounds that it is in her best interest to leave because you are the type of person to cheat on her. However, if you have changed because of it, then her idea of what is in her "best interest" is based on the faulty assumption that you will not change and that your past cheating is a fundamental piece of who you are. By changing and not telling her, you dont give her the chance to come to the wrong conclusion, and also save her from pain.

Sorry if that is too muddled to make any sense. I'm not saying that your ideas are wrong, but I am saying that there is a different approach that makes just as much sense. Taking that approach doesn't mean that one or the other is wrong, only that your personal philosophy and situation makes that choice right for you.

[vexvelour]

I love how the first one is a freebie.

[grandgnu]

Aha! Finally, someone I can help with my awesome expert-like advice!

FIRST OFF:

You don't need to lie to her.........but.........you don't need to tell her either. Not telling is NOT the same as lying to her. You just haven't divulged the information. If she asks because she's suspicious, then fess-up and admit your short-coming.

SECOND THING:

While this is obviously a matter of great debate, I do not believe that humans were meant to be involved in monagomous relationships. I do not believe it is "natural", since in nature it's most important to propogate the species (although humanity is more like a parasite that overwhelms its host and bleeds it dry, i.e. Earth, rather than providing it with any benefit)

I think it is natural to look at other people beside the one you're with, and to consider "doing things" with them as well.

I just recently got married, and I'm faithful to my wife, I love her very much and find her attractive. But, I look, and it's quite obvious, and she knows it. And I'm a fairly brutally honest type of person, so I don't sugarcoat much with her.

While I wouldn't have sex with another woman at this point, I'm certainly open to some chicks slapping me around a bit, perhaps in schoolgirl outfits, nurse costumes, etc. Asian triplets would be great, but I'm not too picky. The wife knows this, but she would need to "approve" of the other chicks before it could happen (which means, it's probably never going to happen)

Best of luck to ya.

[jzpiano14]

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Thanks for all your contributions. There's some great advice, from both sides of the argument, and I think in the end it's just about a personal matter of opinion, and no answer is necessarily right or wrong. It's more about personal circumstances and the relationship between the two people. This isn't to say it isn't wrong....cheating is absolutely unforgivable in every single circumstance. However, no one's perfect, and I made a stupid and costly mistake.

As it stands i'm fairly comfortable with myself not telling her, as long as it NEVER happens again. If it does of course, i'll have to be honest....as you guys have got it right, it's not fair on her at all.

Anyway I think it's better to close the topic here as everyone's probably getting bored of seeing this right at the top of the Psychology forum (wrong forum anyway isn't it...should of been in other topics - apologies.

All the best to all of you in your future relationships, don't use me as an example, as i'm an [censored].

Thanks again,

Laddy.

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gl dude, hope everything works out, don't be a dick again /images/graemlins/grin.gif

and if he can find someone for him, anyone can!!

good god, you kinda sound like me, does that wife have a younger female relative?

[SNOWBALL138]

[ QUOTE ]
While I wouldn't have sex with another woman at this point, I'm certainly open to some chicks slapping me around a bit, perhaps in schoolgirl outfits, nurse costumes, etc. Asian triplets would be great, but I'm not too picky. The wife knows this, but she would need to "approve" of the other chicks before it could happen (which means, it's probably never going to happen)

[/ QUOTE ]

Somehow your avatar makes more sense to me after reading this.

[grandgnu]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
While I wouldn't have sex with another woman at this point, I'm certainly open to some chicks slapping me around a bit, perhaps in schoolgirl outfits, nurse costumes, etc. Asian triplets would be great, but I'm not too picky. The wife knows this, but she would need to "approve" of the other chicks before it could happen (which means, it's probably never going to happen)

[/ QUOTE ]

Somehow your avatar makes more sense to me after reading this.

[/ QUOTE ]

Pokah is nice.............*rubs man nipples*........I ruv pray pokah!

The best way to fully overcome any eventuality is to confront it, not hide it. The situation might even grow nasty, unwanted roots if it is kept secretly; of course, it all depends on the situation. So the best way out is to be honest and accept the consequences for as harsh as they might be; at the end an appology or explanation might smoothen everything out. If not it wasn't meant to be.

As the old saying goes:

"If you really want something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it's all yours; if not, it never was!

Hope everything works out for the best. /images/graemlins/wink.gif

Perhaps I can make sense of the varying opinions here regarding whether or not to tell her - this is my opinion - hope it makes sense.

You DON'T tell her about an indiscretion that occured well in the past. If you did something and didn't tell her for some reason or another and now its several years later and you have a good relationship, then the ONLY purpose in telling her is so that you can ease your own burden - in that case, it is absolutely selfish to tell her. Not only will it not help your relationship, but you will be forcing her to decide whether one mistake several years ago outweighs the good years since.

You DO tell her when it happened last night. She has a right to know what you did and a right to make a decision about your future together on that basis. What if you contracted an STD? What if you got the girl pregnant? What if she's a stalker?

The thing is that there is a very good chance that she WILL forgive you - she might be angry as hell and you may need to dodge some projectiles, but in the aftermath of all that, the fact that you were honest with her - that you were willing to risk your relationship with her because you respected her and did not want to lie to her may outweigh the indiscretion. After all, you have only been together for a month - its not like you are married with kids and a mortgage and she has to contemplate divorce lawyers and day care.

So in YOUR case, the ONLY manly thing to do is to own up and tell her.

And btw, if you are a REAL man, you WILL tell her - you won't just break up with her for some other reason and leave her wondering what happened - chances are that she will find some way to blame herself and she will wind up feeling really sh*tty about it. And that, my friend, is bad karma.

[vexvelour]

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You DO tell her when it happened last night. She has a right to know what you did and a right to make a decision about your future together on that basis. What if you contracted an STD? What if you got the girl pregnant? What if she's a stalker?

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This is my point exactly. She is a human being, not just something that brings on feelings of guilt and shame on your part. For her health's sake you should tell her.

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The thing is that there is a very good chance that she WILL forgive you - she might be angry as hell and you may need to dodge some projectiles, but in the aftermath of all that, the fact that you were honest with her - that you were willing to risk your relationship with her because you respected her and did not want to lie to her may outweigh the indiscretion.

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This is a man who understands women. Listen to him.

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You DO tell her when it happened last night. She has a right to know what you did and a right to make a decision about your future together on that basis. What if you contracted an STD? What if you got the girl pregnant? What if she's a stalker?

[/ QUOTE ]

This is my point exactly. She is a human being, not just something that brings on feelings of guilt and shame on your part. For her health's sake you should tell her.

[ QUOTE ]
The thing is that there is a very good chance that she WILL forgive you - she might be angry as hell and you may need to dodge some projectiles, but in the aftermath of all that, the fact that you were honest with her - that you were willing to risk your relationship with her because you respected her and did not want to lie to her may outweigh the indiscretion.

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This is a man who understands women. Listen to him.

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Thanks!

Oh - and if that doesn't work, just whip your dick out and smack her in the face with it.

[mackthefork]

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In the north of England where I live there's just so many temptations.

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There is? Well where the %^%& are they?

Mack