i m a pathetic gambling addict- self motivation purpose

[wutevahung]

sorry this post is boring and long, dont read if all you are going to do is to diss me. dont reply if you are gonna make fun of me.

back ground- yes, i m another college student who has gambling problem. i am an immigrant from taiwan, has been playing poker for about an year and half. i read many poker books include SS1, SS2, TOP, SSH, HoH1, ace on the river and the book of tells by caro. and even though i dont get EVERY information in the book, but my game has improved a lot.

this is my story.

biggest problem- self control.

i have the skills man, i do. i used to (when i was confident) win 1000 everytime when i play 2/5. i won some big tournaments both online and live. i won a 30dollars buy in tournament at morongo,100ppl, first place. i won a pot limit holdem touranmetn 30+3 on pacific poker, 150 ppl, 1st place, and i played couple other times i got 3rd, and 7th. i also won a $1250 players free roll on pp with 1600ppl, 1st place.

i m very confident about my poker skill. poker has won me thousand of bucks. but my current bankroll is 0.

i juss cant stop gambling. one day in live, i had a really bad streak and lost about 1200 to a fish. since that day, i played scared and my poker life has never been the same anymore. cuz i wanted to win the money back, so i went to casino like 3 times a week, and because i was playin scared+ i was running bad, i lost half of my winnings.

hey guess what i did with the other half? i threw them away on blackjack table. yes i basically threw them away. so dat was about half yr ago.

i slapped myself, banged my head to the wall and screamed, i told myself i will never gamble again.

since then, maybe i have improved my games, but i was never the same player again. i lost my confidence. i often double think myself and panic, and make the wrong decisions. i stopped doing what made my game so successful, by playing great post flop against novices, being unreadable and have excellent reading skill in live. i lost my aggressiveness because i m scared to lose, i cant read people anymore because i am uncertained, i couldnt play LAG because it required good hand reading skill and aggression, but i wasnt patient enough to play TAG.


During summer, i forgot my promise,but tried to regain my confidence by playing the 1/1/2 table at lucky chances, won my self about a thousand. and i spent the half of the thousand, and lost half the other thousand at the 2/3/5.

so i was thinking, okay forget this. i will play low limit 1/2 online, dats steady, dats low, but if i can make consistent money of it, i should do it.

yes i did it for a few days. i won 800 in 1/2 about 4 days. then i went up to 5/10, was not used to the aggression and went on tilt, lost all of them again.

so i was like, wow internet poker is rigged, forget it, so i again stopped for a couple months, bought some poker books and improved my game.

after summers over, i came back to college, i wanted to play again. i asked my friend to send me 100 on pp. i turned that 100 into 1200 in 5 days. i played 1/2, 2/4 and 3/6. but guess what, when i had 1000, i decided to go to 5/10 1000NL table to test my luck. "wow i m a retard, this is about the 100th time that i play a game dat i cannot afford" that is what i was thinking when i sat down on the table.

i lost all my winning on a hand with my AK against some lucky doods turn 64 2 pairs. i had 100 left, i went to play blackjack again on PP, and wow i was on fire! i turned that into 500. but i wasnt satisfied, i m NEVER satisfied. i went back to the 1000NL table, but this time, i tripled my buy in 40mins. 1500, "hey it is time to quit" yes i heard the voice in my head, but i dint stop. soon later i lost all my 1500

(basically, got outdrawn by flush when i had a set, lost a 400dollars coinflip ak vs77, i had ak and lost another 400 because i put the opponents on the wrong hand)

okay, that was couple days ago. i was steaming like crazy, i wanted to punch a hole on the wall and kill myself. i called my teacher and told him i was sick so i could stay home and feel bad about myself. i was feeling cold even though i knew there was nothing wrong with me. i was feeling sick, i wanted to throw up because my low self control. i hate myself.

i thought it over the next day when i wake up, i told myself " dood, what r u thinking? play 1/2, 2/4, u can make 300 a day! stay consistent, if you do dis for a month, u have the bankroll to play anything u want!"

so i again asked my friend to send me 100, that is today, i made it into 400 profit by playin 1/2, 2/4 and 100NL, but guess what, i again threw them away on black jack table on party poker.

i was happy with the 400. 400 is a lot to a college student. 400 could ve bought me some really really nice things, some clothes, some good foods and something nice for my lovely girl friend. but noooo. i lost them.

i m sick of how pathetic i am. i need help. i soemtimes wonder if i should go see school's psychogist. but i know the answer already. i mean, i m not stupid. my life would be better without gambling. my family is rich, i dont need any extra money. i have friends who i can hang out with, instead of staring at the monitor all day and clicking the mouse. i m a student i am supposed to do hwk. i have a girl friend i have been going out with for 2 yrs and i love her and only love her more and more.

okay, advises from poker player? i know them all already too.
- stay in your limit
- dont go on tilt
- dont play black jack
- if you wont be okay to lose ur buy in then dont play.

what else guys? i mean, i KNOW THEM, I KNOW THE ADVICES, I GIVE THEM TO MY LOSING POKER PLAYER FRIENDS ALL THE TIME. i bought a white board to write those advises, so i can remind myself, but nope it doesnt work.

bein a gambling addict, throwing my money away, playing outa my limit, having no self control (playing scared or going on tilt) has costed me thousand of bucks and a pretty nasty quarter of grades and i m sick of it.

i want to overcome myself. i am a bad poker player. ironically, even though i do think i have great poker skills, i am a very bad poker player because i have no self control.

i can never quit when i m ahead, and stop when i m running bad. my philosophy has been play play play play play. juss keep playing. i have no goal whatsoever.

i think for a man to overcome his shadow, he has to face it. i dindt tell anyone about my story. i was ashamed. i should be ashamed, i am pathetic! however, i have to stand up on my own two feet against this, no one else can help me and i understand that. so here i am, telling the darkest side of my life to many strangers. i think, if i can ever grown of this, i will not only be a great poker player, but i will be a great person, so i have to overcome this shadow.

i welcome any critize if it has positive values in it, but no bashing.
sorry for wasting your time. this post is long, boring and pathetic, and i have bad grammar.
thanks for going through this with me.

edited- weird thing about my gambling problem is, i really dont care about gambling. after i lost my winning half year ago, i had 3 months without touching a card but i felt great. i am a pretty mellow guy who doesnt really care about anything. my girl friend often gets mad at me saying i dont tell her anything, because she asked me how was my day i replied with answers like "i played video game for 8 hrs, i m tired" or "i dint do much...went to class and worked out", that is ALL i felt, i dont give a crap about anything. i can play a RPG game for 8 hrs, i can play basketball and work out everyday, i really dont care, and those things r better than poker, but yes, i still chose poker at the end and i dont know why, and i wonder.

edit again- did i lose any money outside what i won? no

[vexvelour]

I have a feeling most of the vets here are going to tell you to quit gambling all together. I'd have to agree.

I think the first test in poker discipline is staying within your limits. You obviously have no control over this.

[ QUOTE ]
bein a gambling addict, throwing my money away, playing outa my limit, having no self control (playing scared or going on tilt) has costed me thousand of bucks and a pretty nasty quarter of grades and i m sick of it.

[/ QUOTE ]

Deal with school. Poker is not life.

[wutevahung]

yes i agree with you. i shoudl stay in school.

however, as you can see, i have no self discipline at all. i trust myself to be a pretty intelligent guy because once i get my mind into something, i become really good at it. just that i have no self control whatsoever.

i do agree with you though, schoool is freakin so important to me but i dont know wtf i m doing.

this thread is probably not going to get rid of my gambling problem, but i know this will make an impact on me because i m taking a step forward toward my weakness. and i probably will show my friends so i can receive criticize from the people i know in real life so i can actually change.

[tomdemaine]

Get someone you trust to unplug your internet cable or router and hide it for 1 month. Use public internet like coffee shops etc for schoolwork for a while, then after a month come back and reasses the situation. You might find you don't need to play after all.

[wutevahung]

ahhaha this wouldnt work for 1 reason, i am an online addict too. because i m easily to get annoyed so most of the day i would feel solitary and stay in the room, without internet then i would have nothing to do.

thanks for the advise tho.

ya after my lost half year ago, there was 3 months without touchign a card and it felt great, but i came back to poker because i knew i could make money once i could control myself, but i guess i still have no discipline at all.

Dude, your type needs stimulation. Try surfing or chess T.

[wutevahung]

mm, i actaully do love board games, i m a pretty good chinese chess player and a decent go player (learned go when i was 5 and won the championship for little kids in a big tournametn in Taipei)

there was a time when i was crazy over go too. i would read books and ask my friends who is 2d to teach me everyday. i still sometimes play it online on KGS.

and still turned to poker i dont know why....

thanks tho, a really good advise.

[vexvelour]

In just the past 3 replies to the advice you've received, you have shot down every single idea.

You need to be willing to make a change TO ACTUALLY MAKE A CHANGE. Perhaps you need to visit a Gamblers Anon meeting. Stop visiting casinos. Withdraw all your online BR.

STOP PLAYING POKER

[wutevahung]

sorry if sounded like if was being stubborn, but i tried board games, but i love being online (even if i m not playin poker, like right now), but yes, i will focus on school alot.

not turning you guys's ideas down. really appreciate you guys take time to read and reply, really help me a lot.

[vexvelour]

There are millions of things to do online that don't involve poker/gambling.

Good luck to you.

[wutevahung]

ya there are, i just have to stay away.
i will keep it in mind, thanks man.

Hey dude, my go never gotten over 4k. You have brains but not maturity.

Like he said, don't read Sklansky, read Scott Peck.

[wutevahung]

lol its ok man, my highest was 4k when i just joined and dint play poker, went down to 10k since poker.

If you really still itch to gamble, take up backgammon, edge is higher than poker, there are some nice pigeons in NY, or learn thoroughbred handicapping; this should take your mind off poker a while, something like gradual reduction therapy.

Read “The road less traveled” by Scott Peck, get it in any store, ten bucks.

Don’t play poker or BJ.

[wutevahung]

thanks.

just went to barnes and noble website and read the review about the book, sounds really good and i will get it.

[Jeffage]

Honestly, when people ask me about poker, if they should play, etc, I usually try to discourage them. Poker is a great money maker for some people. These are the exceptions. For many, it's a harmless hobby where they win a bit or lose a bit. For some, esp. those already predisposed to be action junkies, it can be pure death. I've seen it. I've walked the line myself at times. You need EXTREME control to play well and win significant money. You are clearly playing with money you can't afford to lose. Whether or not you have technical knowledge, I won't say. That's because it means LESS THAN NOTHING if you can't control yourself at the table AND OFF. The end result for you is inevitable; going broke, hurting relationships with friends and family, productivity issues, etc.

If I were you, I'd stop. So far, you've gotten out cheap. I came to a similar crossroads years ago where I knew I had to quit or put everything I had into beating this game. And I do mean everything. I chose the latter, and for me, it worked out very well. But there was a gray time where it easily could have gone south HARD. I literally put 100% of my energy into this game and played hard. Many people who attempt to do this will go flat broke. And no one will care. That's the reality. So you need to weigh many factors and do what's best for your life.

If you choose to play big time, people like me (and people better than me) will be there waiting to see if you lose control so we can beat you to the point you sleep on the street. Weigh your options carefully.

Jeff

[wutevahung]

ya, dats why i m tryin to discipline myself.
to not to play a game dat i cant handle, 1/2 2/4 is what i should been playin, since i make really good money out of beating noobs, but need to stay in the limit.

we will see, i m probably going to take a break from poker and play 1/2 in a couple months, will not play high stake.
will not!

If you intend on getting back in the game, get PokerTracker. Take regularly scheduled breaks within sessions and within months. Break every 100 hands for a few minutes. Break every 1000 hands for 24 hours. Break every 5000 hands for a week. During each break, evaluate your play a) since the last break; and b) overall. This is your first step towards escaping results-oriented thinking, which is the first step in becoming a player and not a gambler.

If you do choose to treat poker as a gamble and not as a sport, then set aside a certain amount of money per month for entertainment. Gambling is fine in small doses but if this is your route, I would suggest contacting GA before continuing.


EDIT: It's quite clear from your post that Party made a great decision to add BJ tables.

[ChicagoTroy]

[ QUOTE ]
i slapped myself, banged my head to the wall and screamed, i told myself i will never gamble again.

since then, maybe i have improved my games

[/ QUOTE ]

LMAO

[wutevahung]

lol, good one.

[wutevahung]

i had poker tracker...but one day my girl friend removed it from my computer because "it says poker", so yes, gotta download dat again.

but this is a really good idea, its like taking break between each quarters in basketball, and times out to draw out plays. thank you.

[Subfallen]

Here's a hint: you don't play good, and shouldn't expect to win. Modify your expectations to reflect reality, please.

It's insane the number of losing players who deeply, truly expect to win. Once again, please wake up and smell the bacon before you give yourself a concussion.

[JohnnyHumongous]

Do these life story posts EVER get boring? Consistently the best part of the site for my money. I can't get enough.

[Lash]

You know what bro… I’m going to give you personal advice from personal experience. So don’t automatically take my post as a “dis”… seriously absorb what I’m saying.

Trust me, this works… the only thing that matters is if you are “man” enough to stomach the whole process and continue living the “happy” life of a poker player / gambling dood. If I had not experienced this process first hand, I’d never be playing poker for a living and would probably be an educated business / family man making 6 figures worrying about the dog and planning my retirement… but no…I’m a self made righteous free thinker… YEAH Baby!

-Borrow every penny you can from every one willing to lend you money. Go buy some drugs… not just any drugs, really good drugs, and preferably ones that are not physically addictive, because even with a mind as strong as yours, you may not be able to get off of those.

Anyway, take all the drugs… this will dull your wits and inhibitions…go gamble all the money you have borrowed… keep gambling till you lose it – Every penny

Now at this point you should be completely broke and in more debt than you could have ever imagined yourself in. You will also be coming down off of an insane trip spiraling uncontrollably into a reality that is even worse than you remember it being. It will be surreal, but at the same time… your strong mind and understanding of the universe should allow you to overcome all obstacles in your path right !? Except the pit on the way to the poker room, but nobody’s perfect…

Then try to rebuild your sanity, credit, meaningful relationships, and never existent bankroll back up in the hopes that you have somehow stumbled across the answers to spiritual growth and the meaning of life without the assistance of conventional religion or philosophy all the while isolating yourself from everyone who ever gave a damn about you.

Hey, at least you are a winning poker player.

I look forward to meeting you in the winners circle soon!

[SNOWBALL138]

vnh

[wutevahung]

wow, r u serious? this is insane, i dont think i can do that. way too much risk, dont like drugs, and i hate borrowing money (although i have no trouble of losing my winnings -_-)

but, thanks alot for sharing me it with you.

[SNOWBALL138]

Even if you were a winning player, why would that matter? Your family has money and you are in school. Get your degree and enjoy their financial support.

If both my parents had money, I wouldn't have that much of a reason to play. I would mostly just focus on school and girls. As it is now, my mom is a part-time limo driver and keeps "borrowing" rent money from me. As for my dad, he's a lawyer, and helps to support me. I'm no hard luck story or anything, but there definitely are good reasons that I play besides the fact that I have developed good self control, enjoy the game, and have a nice winrate.

It sounds to me like you are playing for the wrong reasons.

Best wishes,
Snowball

[wutevahung]

ya that is why i dont get either, why do i gamble?
i asked myself that and i dont know either.

like i stated in the OP, i m a guy who just doesnt have that much feeling most of time. when i play poker, i dont feel like a rush or something, but yet i m still addicted.

i used to enjoy beatin people on board games, i still do, i m just a really competitive guy who wants to win everything i guess.

maybe i m playing for the wrong reasons, but i dont even think i have a reason to play cause i cant find one. i m pretty ridiculous.

[SNOWBALL138]

I recommend talking to your parents, and getting them to hire a therapist for you. You might be surprised by how much it can help.

[HopeydaFish]

[ QUOTE ]
Do these life story posts EVER get boring? Consistently the best part of the site for my money. I can't get enough.

[/ QUOTE ]

They're very motivating. I always feel so much better about my own life after reading them. /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[vexvelour]

[ QUOTE ]
dont like drugs

[/ QUOTE ]


I don't understand this statement.

[idrinkcoors]

I am naive when it comes to determing troll posts, but here goes anyways:

First off, stop playing. If you were serious about wanting to kill yourself after a big loss, then stop it. You already proved you can go 3 months without poker.

Secondly, if you ignore the first part above, at least disable blackjack from the party screen. It's not too hard to disconnect it. Same with the color bets.

Third: set absolute limits. Write them down and keep them in front of you. I WILL STOP AT $100 PROFIT. (for example), then withdrawl one hundred and pay your buddy back.

Good luck to you.

[Tommy Angelo]

"i m sick of how pathetic i am."

You are not pathetic. You are an addict. Addicts have cravings. That's what we do. It's normal. It's expected. We have a variety of things we reach for to satisfy our cravings. Gambling is one of them. So is playing the guitar. Try to reach for different things. Sometimes reach for nothing. There are two ways to make a craving go away. One is to reach for something. The other is to wait it out, which sometimes only requires seconds. Either way, whether your reach or wait, the craving goes away. And then there will be another, and another, for the rest of your life, because you are not pathetic, you are an addict. And that's okay. You are part of a group that includes some fantastically great and respected humans.

"i want to overcome myself."

You will never wake up one day and pleasantly discover that you have all of a sudden overcome yourself. Meanwhile, use band-aids, employ whatever ingenious methods you can devise, to make your self-destructive lashings occur less often, and less severely. And at the same time, redirect them, one craving at a time. Walking is good.

"i can never quit when i m ahead, ..."

Just try it, one time.

"i was ashamed. i should be ashamed, i am pathetic!"

Addiction begets shamelessness and that's a good thing. If you are going to be pathetic, and call yourself pathetic, then do it man, be as pathetic as you can be and wallow in it. Then step back and look at the whole mess and be shameless about it all. Now you're getting somewhere.


Tommy

[ QUOTE ]
"i can never quit when i m ahead, ..."

Just do it, one time.

[/ QUOTE ]
FYP

[felix83]

[ QUOTE ]
i think, if i can ever grown of this, i will not only be a great poker player, but i will be a great person, so i have to overcome this shadow.

[/ QUOTE ]
It's not going to matter if you're the greatest player in the world, because you're an addict and will find a way to lose it. Stop playing forever (not a break for a couple months) and get help, or look forward to a life of debt and loneliness.

[marsvolta619]

At least you don't have 6 grand on a credit card

[Harv72b]

Link. (http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/)

Seriously.

You may be the best technical poker player in the history of the game. But if you can't beat yourself, you'll never beat poker.

[wutevahung]

thank you for the meaningful post.

"You are part of a group that includes some fantastically great and respected humans." that made me feel a lot better.

ya i dont just play poker, even though i made it sound like i juss sit in front of the computer al day, but i actaully take time out to practice guitar (juss started), play video games, basketball and work out everyday.

but yes it is still influencing my life.
i will try to quit when i m ahead.

[wutevahung]

i actaully do, but fortunally, something wrong with my PP account so i cant cash in directly ahha

[wutevahung]

thanks for the link.

agree with the statement. that is why i said i m a bad poker player. blah.

[Alex/Mugaaz]

Why play poker? It's completely ruining your life. There are TONS of ways to make money in this world, even if I was supremely gifted at something I wouldn't keep doing it if everytime it ended in disaster. Just quit, there is no rainbow at the end of poker, there is no glory when you get to a certain level. Poker is the same at high stakes as it is at low stakes - people trying to get each others money.

Why do people like yourself keep banging your head against wall with poker? As Jeffage said before how good you are really doesn't make a lick of difference. Why bash your ahead over and over again? There is no goldmine at the end of poker, there is no glory in it.

Why not stop wasting your time and throw your compulsions into something worthwhile? Why not get addicted to playing the guitar, or cooking in a soup kitchen, or just damn near anything else.


I think poker is a complete waste of time for anyone who doesn't find it somewhat easy and has no emotional compulsions related with gambling etc. Even for them poker is just a source of income, nothing else. Stop wasting your time trying to suceed at poker. You want to overcome a huge personal demon JUST so you can win a little money at poker? That's such a waste.