Marriage Counseling

[Indiana]

Have any of you guys/gals ever gone to a marriage counselor? Today was my second visit to the counselor to try and help save the old marriage. I really felt like a wack job walking in there today. Most of the people at this center were ordered by the judge to see a psychologist so I was surrounded by some serious crack whores and such. I heard one drug addict say that he was there to see the "behavioral specialist." Anyway, the guy was really nice but I felt like I was wasting time. I offered to go because I didnt wanna be that guy who refused to go to counseling for the rest of my life. Has anyone had much success at this? It sure seemed to take T. Soprano a long time to accomplish much with Dr. Melphi.

Indy

[Mike]

What you get out is what you put in. If you have no real interest in saving your marriage why go through the motions? If you do want to save the marriage and you are really trying, look how many years it took to get to where you are now.

You shouldn't expect an instant fix. The best that happens at the start is a platform to speak from in a better environment than what you had before you found yourself in the office.

As for the rest of the customers, they see you the same way. Everyone has problems of some type and different levels of seriousness. GL.

[JohnnyHumongous]

See, maybe I'm young and naive, but I don't quite get why people in relationships that are clearly not working and which they have no huge motivation to save don't just head for the mountains. Seriously, at least personally I know that I can be self-sufficient and I definitely don't "need" a girl in my life, so why would I put up with a malfunctioning relationship?

Don't mind my ramblings BTW, they are at best tangentially directed towards you.

[Rabid_Hippo]

I read an article recently that a high percentage (I think it was over 50%) of married couples that go to counceling end up divorcing anyway. What marriage counseling often DOES accomplish is that the split is made on better terms and with less animosity. For instance, if you guys have children, it is definitely worth the time. On the other hand, don't feel like you have to use the first counselor you visit. If you are uncomfortable with one counselor, go see a different one the next time (this can enhance your experience considerably).

[bernie]

[ QUOTE ]
See, maybe I'm young and naive, but I don't quite get why people in relationships that are clearly not working and which they have no huge motivation to save don't just head for the mountains. Seriously, at least personally I know that I can be self-sufficient and I definitely don't "need" a girl in my life, so why would I put up with a malfunctioning relationship?

Don't mind my ramblings BTW, they are at best tangentially directed towards you.

[/ QUOTE ]

Unmarried, I agree.

Married = one word: alimony

Personally, I prefer pre-marital counseling.

b

[bernie]

[ QUOTE ]
I felt like I was wasting time. I offered to go because I didnt wanna be that guy who refused to go to counseling for the rest of my life.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is the wrong reason to go. Why just go through the motions or to appease someone else? You also seem a little 'image' conscious.

It really doesn't sound like you're that sold on the whole idea for whatever reason. Find that reason and start from there.

As one poster said, you get out of it what you put in.

b

[MicroBob]

[ QUOTE ]

I read an article recently that a high percentage (I think it was over 50%) of married couples that go to counceling end up divorcing anyway.

[/ QUOTE ]


This was me in my first marriage.
we're still friends and that was going to happen anyway.

Our counselor was actually pretty good. But it was mostly just a platform for my now-ex to tell me everything that she thought was wrong with me...which she was already doing anyway outside of counseling.

We moved a few months later and thought we were good..but she decided to end it...then wanted to get back together...and I said I didn't think it was such a great idea.

Former employer/friend of mine who went to marriage-counseling told me that the best way to do it is to just sit there and take it.
Let her complain about everything she wants to complain about and don't argue about it.
I do admit that I didn't take this approach as I felt the need to defend myself on most of her accusations.


While it didn't work for us I do believe it could be helpful for some (including me in a different relationship or situation).

But sometimes when a marriage gets to the point that the idea of a counselor comes up it might not be such a hot idea to stay together anyway.


I would definitely recommend a different counselor/location if this one bothers you.
the people around the waiting-room at the one we went to seemed perfectly normal to me. Certainly not crack-addicts or anything like that as best I could tell.

[Peter666]

"But it was mostly just a platform for my now-ex to tell me everything that she thought was wrong with me...which she was already doing anyway outside of counseling."

Ain't that the truth. Nothing ruins love and a relationship faster than this type of useless criticism.

[SheetWise]

I've been to marriage counseling several times. I've been married 20 years. Not to the same woman, mind you -- I'm on my fourth wife. Been married 20 out of the last 30 years. For the first three wives, counseling didn't help a bit. Well, it did cause them to leave. That's something. I had the pleasure of raising three kids alone over 10 years. Most conselors just act as catalysts, they don't make judgements -- which is often a mistake. The last one I saw, it was my wifes idea. The counselor was real honest, and asked my wife what her f'ing problem was. My wife doesn't want to see a counselor anymore. It helped.

[Indiana]

Thanks for the responses guys. I will keep u updated on the progress of our sessions. At this point the biggest problem in our marriage is that my wife wants to quit her job and stay at home. Thing is she's 28, has a PhD and makes 100K/yr. I just cannot see her giving up so easy after only 4 yrs on the job. Especially when I go to work everyday and put in the effort. I believe in a 50/50 marriage but she wants to lay back while I do everything. Plus she dumps her work problems on me every day. The counselor is just listening right now but it seems that to salvage my marriage I will have to be the one to do the changing. Oh yeah, and poker hasn't helped the marriage either. She's got me on a fixed schedule where I can only play like 3 days a week.

Indy

[bernie]

Sooooo What is she planning on doing with all her free time? ( I say as I'm lacing up my steel toed boot)

b

[Indiana]

She wants to do anything but her real job because she and the counselor figure that that is what is making her unhappy. She has toyed around with teaching or opening a small business, but in reality she will prolly not make anywhere near what she makes at her current job, especially in a blue-collar town like Indy. I've been really supportive during all this and even took 3 days out of my WSOP journey to rent a car on the strip and drive her all the way to Long Beach, CA so she could peruse the teaching market and go around with a realtor. She's always wanted to live in Socal because she's an asian chick and Indiana food is killing her spirit (this is bar food country). Either way, I'm just weak hearing all her little problems all the time and she's been somewhat selfish about her own personal happiness, not realizing that my life is no day in the park either. Women are so selfish, no way I vote for Hillary:)

Indy

[4_2_it]

My wife quit her job 15 years ago when she got pregnant and hasn't had the urge to return. If your wife quits her job don't assume she will ever feel the urge to work again.

Don't get me wrong, I was/am still fine with my wife's decision as my job is more than adequate to support our family.

Sounds like you both need to figure out where your relationship is heading. Do you want to live in SoCal? It is much more expensive than Indy. Can you easily find a job there? Yes, her feelings are important, but that doesn't mean that your feelings don't matter. If your counselor doesn't see this, then find a new counselor.

[Indiana]

SoCal is very expensive. Comparing real estate there to here in Indy I was shocked. I told her that if I wanted to get ripped off I'd just give my $$ away to some needy person rather than pay a half million for a garage in Long Beach. She was pissed and overlooks how badly SoCal residents are being fleeced. Yah, I could easily get a job out there and have been offered more $$ than I get here. Thing is, I really like my boss and my job is easy. Plus, they would have to triple my salary for me to have the same quality of life that I would get out in SoCal.

Indy

[BigBrother]

If you are serious about saving the relationship I would recommend you read one of John Gottman's books and consider doing one of their seminar/retreat things.

The books have a bunch of interactive exercises you can do at home at your convenience. That's sometimes easier than trying to 'perform' in front of a counselor at a pre-scheduled time that might not be so good.

[bernie]

Well, at least she doesn't just want to sit on her ass. :unlacing my boots:

[ QUOTE ]
but in reality she will prolly not make anywhere near what she makes at her current job,

[/ QUOTE ]

imo, this is fine as long as she doesn't expect you to make up the difference. Otherwise, how would she feel if you did that to her? On the other side though, if she makes less, it could lower your comfort zone as far as standard of living. So it kinda depends on her take on that situation.


[ QUOTE ]
Either way, I'm just weak hearing all her little problems all the time and she's been somewhat selfish about her own personal happiness, not realizing that my life is no day in the park either.

[/ QUOTE ]

This'd be one of the first things I say in the therapists office. It shouldn't be about her. It should be about both of you. Finding that middle ground that would make you both happy.

b

[bernie]

[ QUOTE ]
That's sometimes easier than trying to 'perform' in front of a counselor at a pre-scheduled time that might not be so good.

[/ QUOTE ]

Alot of that has to do with trusting the counselor you're seeing.

b

[steamboatin]

Marriage counseling is the best thing since sliced bread.

[ZenMusician]

I thought this was going to be a KQs post...

Silly me...They should remove the header "General GAMBLING" so
we can get more girlfriend, God, and dream posts. Now excuse me,
I am going to post a 10/20 hand in OOT.....

-ZEN

[dandy_don]

[ QUOTE ]
Thing is she's 28, has a PhD and makes 100K/yr. I just cannot see her giving up so easy after only 4 yrs on the job.

[/ QUOTE ]

Is she your wife or an income? I don't intend to be an ass, but come on guy.

Granted, if she wants to quit her job just to be the next Oprah watching Peggy Bundy, then you may have a point, but this statement just hit me pretty hard.

My wife was a licensed insurance agent knocking down some serious money, quit one day to stay home with the kids. I tell you now that it was the best thing, although I didn't see it at first, like yourself. Our marriage is better for it and our kids are better for it.

We had the 5-bedroom house, nice cars, clothes, etc. We gave up a lot to make the change; a house half the size we once had, a minivan with 125,000 miles instead of a new Grand Cherokee every 18 months, etc.

As I see it now, the kids will be gone in 10-12 years, so we have the next 20+ years to stash the cash and live for ourselves.

In the end, it has to be something you both can live with.

[StellarWind]

[ QUOTE ]
I really felt like a wack job walking in there today. Most of the people at this center were ordered by the judge to see a psychologist so I was surrounded by some serious crack whores and such. I heard one drug addict say that he was there to see the "behavioral specialist."

[/ QUOTE ]
I'm sure you were opene and receptive to new ideas at that point /images/graemlins/tongue.gif.

You need to do this in an environment where you both feel comfortable. Sounds like you guys did a very bad job of picking a place. I'd try to find a better place. Like maybe one that specializes in marriage counseling.

[ QUOTE ]
I offered to go because I didnt wanna be that guy who refused to go to counseling for the rest of my life.

[/ QUOTE ]
Do you love her? Are you friends with her? Why are these subjects conspicuously absent from your post? You are doing this for a bad reason or maybe you don't actually know your reason. What do you want to accomplish by going? Hoping that when you meet St. Peter their will be a checkmark on his scoresheet next to "he tried"?

I wish you both well.

[kyzerjose]

Individual counseling sucks when trying to work on a relationship.

I've been married to a saint for 32 years.

We've had our share of up and downs.

Even the best marriages need outside help from time to time.

My wife and I went through a rough patch about a year ago.

She was freaking about the amount of time I spend on things related to poker. Sound familiar?

With a neutral third party we resolved most of the things that bug her. BR & time away from the home.

It's easy to walk away from a relationship these days. I see it all of the time with younger couples. Most of the time it's a lack of maturity and a complete "me first" mindset.

You don't have a chance of success unless both of you get involved. Don't fall for the his & hers therapist. It's okay for each of you to have your own to discuss things but you need a common therapist to really make it work.

PM if you want more comments.

[dandy_don]

[ QUOTE ]
She was freaking about the amount of time I spend on things related to poker. Sound familiar?

[/ QUOTE ]

Mine as well for a while, until I opened an account for her at Paradise, transferred $50.00 into her account to tinker around with and now she plays more often than I. She wasn't that interested at first, maybe playing a few 20 minute sessions, but really started playing once she started winning and understood that there is a strategy to the game and not just random gambling.

She's even more anxious about the home games than I get. It used to be a pain for her and the kids to disappear on poker nights, but now she sends them to the grandparents and plays with us (and has won 2 of the last 5 home tourneys).

[Indiana]

Funny this was brought up but I got my wife an account last week on pokerstars and she is already crushing the low limits under my tutelage(spelling?). She appears to be taking an interest in poker so that helps. I do love my wife dearly but love is often not enough. I have another session in a month and plan to be open minded.

Indy

[PLOlover]

Personally I think you are in trouble with where this "counseling" is headed.

Don't think this is marriage counseling, because it isn't. If you want that, go to a specialist who will help you 2 communicate better.

What you are into is a counselor who is helping your wife make life decisions. Why you go with her undoubtably has more to do with getting you on board from the beginning to accept the changes.

Remember, 90% of all these psycho professionals are no good at all and have a negative impact.

[flair1239]

I did marriage counsleing with my ex-wife. Although it did not keep us married, what it did do was teach us how to communicate better with each other; which is important because we have a child.

So I thought it was worth the time.