Should I force my Mom's Hand???? [Archive] - Two Plus Two Older Archives

Talk2BigSteve

10-14-2005, 01:45 AM

As many of you know, I live in Meridian, MS with my mother. I moved back in when my father passed away. She is in debt and I have been paying tons of her bills (House, car, etc). She has issues with me bringing anyone home, so my private life and sex life is almost nonexistant. She does not make enough in a month to pay for her house, car, electric, etc. She has never dealt with her greif from the passing of my father. She does not have the money to pay for and maintain this house, but she refuses to sell it because "My Father bought it as their retirement home." No 64 year old widow needs a 2000+ sq ft 4 bed 2 bath brick home on an acre of land. She constantly says things like "If your father was alive we would have almost $5K a month in income" when she is "borrowing"(With no hope of ever paying it back) money from me.

If I move out into an apartment, She would basically be forced to put the house up for sale. I am paying a house payment of over $800 a month for my mother. I thought she would deal with her greif and move on but it is now 4 1/2 years later and I am still here paying the bills, so she can keep her memories here.

Should I force her hand and just say enough is enough? Or am I just being a cold hearted SOB. Anyone else and I would have left long ago but this is my mother.

Living in Mississippi is cheap, I can get a nice 1/1 apartment for less that $400 here.

What should I do???

Big Steve /images/graemlins/cool.gif

bugstud

10-14-2005, 01:49 AM

really tough situation

PoBoy321

10-14-2005, 01:51 AM

This is a really tough spot. Have you considered subletting or taking on a boarder? The only reason that I would not want to give up the house is because it seems like it is a very nice place and you might want to keep it for yourself down the line.

bholdr

10-14-2005, 01:51 AM

Buy the house from her? your name should definitly be on the papers if you've been paying for years...

get her on one of those 'reverse morgatages'?

[ QUOTE ]
Anyone else and I would have left long ago but this is my mother.

[/ QUOTE ]

this is your mother. you have to find a way to deal. that's the way it is, imo... sucks, but... it's your mother.

Dominic

10-14-2005, 02:00 AM

why pay $400 for a 1/1 apt. when you can pay $800 for a 4/2 house???

Put up with your mom - she put up with you.

Unless you can't afford the house payments, then you must find a way to get her to sell.

Talk2BigSteve

10-14-2005, 02:01 AM

[ QUOTE ]
This is a really tough spot. Have you considered subletting or taking on a boarder? The only reason that I would not want to give up the house is because it seems like it is a very nice place and you might want to keep it for yourself down the line.

[/ QUOTE ]

It would be a nice place if she had kept up with the little things that need to be done on it. She refinanced with one of those 125% equity loans. She actually owes more that it is worth.

Big Steve /images/graemlins/cool.gif

Blarg

10-14-2005, 02:03 AM

Whew, I'm relieved that wasn't a sex question.

Seriously though, that sure is a big burden for someone going to school. Or even someone not going to school. I don't know how I'd do anything that wouldn't feel like the wrong choice.

It does seem like your mom really should come to grips with reality, though. Those reverse mortgage deals are a good idea, but you're out of work, right? Don't know if that matters.

touchfaith

10-14-2005, 02:03 AM

[ QUOTE ]
this is your mother. you have to find a way to deal. that's the way it is, imo... sucks, but... it's your mother.

[/ QUOTE ]

Talk2BigSteve

10-14-2005, 02:06 AM

[ QUOTE ]
why pay $400 for a 1/1 apt. when you can pay $800 for a 4/2 house???

Put up with your mom - she put up with you.

Unless you can't afford the house payments, then you must find a way to get her to sell.

[/ QUOTE ]

She will not put my name on the deed even though I am paying the damn bills, and if there is any equity in this house when she dies the house is to be sold and the profit split 3 ways between me, my brother, and my sister. Yet I am the only one contribution anything. So even if I was making $800 a month payments that are just equity, I would only get back $266.67 of my investment.

That is why a $400 1/1 is better than an $800 4/2.

Big Steve /images/graemlins/cool.gif

gamblore99

10-14-2005, 03:01 AM

its a tough situation but it seems like things have to change and the sooner the better. Either get your brother and sister to help, have her take borders, or move out. The situation is hard on her, but if after 4 1/2 years she hasn't let it go, then she probably isn't going to. If living with her is putting your life on hold, then either she has to change or you have to move out. Why not talk to the rest of the family and try to explain your position.
Basically it is a shitty position, but something should be done.

CardSharpCook

10-14-2005, 03:14 AM

My father and his two brothers are in a comparable situation. My grandmother needs round the clock care. This would be more affordably provided in a nursing home. However, they feel it would be too hard on her to handle that change. So they pay for home care. Now, they can afford it. And, the 3 brothers split the burden. This isn't the case with you, is it? I mean, it is different on the one hand -> you'll never have a family of your own to support. So then it is a question to you. How much $$ is your mother's happiness worth to you? How long can you afford to pay her bills when there are less expensive options? It isn't your mother's hand, it is your hand. Will you wait for something to force the issue or will you do what you clearly feel you need to do?

bholdr

10-14-2005, 03:14 AM

dude, you are getting seriously hosed. try this:

sometimes the best thing for a person you love isn't what they'd prefer. you love your mom, right?

seriously, buy the house from her, continue to pay the (hopefully more reasonable) morgatge, screw your non-contributing sibs.

CardSharpCook

10-14-2005, 03:15 AM

welcome back to OOT. Even if it is just for our sagely advice on one issue.

JaBlue

10-14-2005, 03:17 AM

No matter what you do, you have to do what's best for you. Your mom did raise you and all, but that's what she signed up for when she had a kid. Sure you owe her for everything she's done for you but if living with her is destroying your life, you just have to fix it for yourself

Dave G.

10-14-2005, 03:20 AM

If she's splitting the house between the rest of your family and you're the only one contributing, and she won't put your name on the deed, then you should definitely say something.

For me, it's not about the money, it's just... it seems like she has a total lack of respect for you and what you're doing for her. It's holding you back from what you really want to do and where you want your life to go. It's obviously making you unhappy. And she is obviously never going to get over the loss of her husband. Do you really want to spend 20 more years living like this?

It's a really tough situation... but you have your own life to live. You only have a limited amount of time here. Don't spend a large portion of your life in this situation - you will regret it.

She is using you as some kind of replacement for your father. You need to confront her and tell her it's time for her to deal with it and move on, and sell the house. If she refuses, then you need to leave and move on with your life too. I don't think that's selfish - and I think it's better than crippling your own ambitions for someone who doesn't seem to respect you and what you have done for her.

Blarg

10-14-2005, 03:24 AM

His supporting her this way would be a lot more fair if he were done with school. He's got enough money drainage and pressure as it is.

Dave G.

10-14-2005, 03:31 AM

[ QUOTE ]
His supporting her this way would be a lot more fair if he were done with school. He's got enough money drainage and pressure as it is.

[/ QUOTE ]

It'd be a lot fairer if his brother and sister were helping, too.

Blarg

10-14-2005, 03:39 AM

Yeah, looks like that ceased being an option long ago, though.

10-14-2005, 03:54 AM

get drunk and call her

LeatherFace

10-14-2005, 04:02 AM

You have to tell your mom you love her but as long as your paying the bills you are allowed to bring cock back home with you.

SossMan

10-14-2005, 04:07 AM

she is a perfect candidate for a reverse mortgage.

10-14-2005, 06:43 AM

The good news: You are already going to hell, so treating your mother badly can't hurt you. /images/graemlins/shocked.gif /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

Your mother is basically broke. If she owes more than the house is worth, then it would be tough to sell, having to come up with the difference. She really isn't selling, just moving.
If you do move out, how will she live? Will you still have to pay her bills in a new place? Is she capable of supporting herself? if she were out of debt (bankruptcy)? The point is that just moving out of the house may not change anything.

At some point you need to do what is right for you. Can you get here to talk to someone (doctor, grief counselor, minister) to get her to move on emotionally? While being supportive is good, there is a point where it becomes dependence. That isn't fair to you.

And you definitly need to talk to your siblings to get them to chip in financially and to support that you aren't the permanent solution, just a temporary one.
If you decide that you need to move out, set a date and go. Tell your mom to call them if she needs help.

And what is it with gay guys and their mothers? /images/graemlins/wink.gif

Argus

10-14-2005, 08:34 AM

</font><blockquote><font class="small">En réponse à:</font><hr />
You have to tell your mom you love her but as long as your paying the bills you are allowed to bring cock back home with you.

[/ QUOTE ]
This is the best advice I've seen in this thread. You're in a real tough spot, and I don't know the relationship you have with your mother, but something has to change. It sounds like moving out would really hurt her financially and perhaps leave her unable to get by.

Since giving up your life for an old lady's is just as terrible as kicking your mom out onto the street, you have to sit down and tell your mom that since you pay all the bills you can live as if it is your house. Give her an ultimatum, and hope she chooses whatever will make her happiest.

steelcmg

10-14-2005, 08:45 AM

Since u said the house is suppose to be split 3 ways when ur mom dies i think it ends up being a pretty easy call then. I dont know ur brother or sister but im about 90% sure they will turn into back stabers when it comes down to it and the money will seem very nice. So i would have to move out or force your mom to put the house in ur name or get ur bro and sis to contribute. Im only saying this about when ur mom dies from experice. I have seen this happen alot and it can really screw families up. Money really is the rude of all evil.

dcasper70

10-14-2005, 08:48 AM

[ QUOTE ]

the house is to be sold and the profit split 3 ways between me, my brother, and my sister. Yet I am the only one contribution anything.

[/ QUOTE ]

2 options:

1) You need to document all your monetary contributions to the house. When the house is sold, you can recoup those expenses prior to the remainder being split with your siblings. Hopefully, they aren't selfish pricks, but even then, a good lawyer can get you most of your money back.
I would suggest making your payments directly to the bank, by check, with acct # in the memo line. I'm assuming you already do this, but in case you don't, start!

2)
http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a40/dcasper70/housefire.gif

steelcmg

10-14-2005, 08:49 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

the house is to be sold and the profit split 3 ways between me, my brother, and my sister. Yet I am the only one contribution anything.

[/ QUOTE ]

2 options:

1) You need to document all your monetary contributions to the house. When the house is sold, you can recoup those expenses prior to the remainder being split with your siblings. Hopefully, they aren't selfish pricks, but even then, a good lawyer can get you most of your money back.
I would suggest making your payments directly to the bank, by check, with acct # in the memo line. I'm assuming you already do this, but in case you don't, start!

2)
http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a40/dcasper70/housefire.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

I choose 2 much more fun.

jakethebake

10-14-2005, 08:53 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Since u said the house is suppose to be split 3 ways when ur mom dies i think it ends up being a pretty easy call then. I dont know ur brother or sister but im about 90% sure they will turn into back stabers when it comes down to it and the money will seem very nice. So i would have to move out or force your mom to put the house in ur name or get ur bro and sis to contribute. Im only saying this about when ur mom dies from experice. I have seen this happen alot and it can really screw families up. Money really is the rude of all evil.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is a very good answer actually. If you're paying for the house, then it should be yours. Otherwise you're just giving the money to your siblings.

4_2_it

10-14-2005, 09:45 AM

Cross-post this in the psychology forum. Most of the good posters there don't frequent OOT. I think you will get some useful, thoughtful advice.

I think what are doing is commendable, but your mother needs grief counseling so both of you can on with the rest of your lives.

Good Luck.

jaydub

10-14-2005, 09:51 AM

Worry less about the house situation than your relationship with your mother. Two things stand out to me, one she is taking advantage of you and two she is not accepting of your chosen lifestyle. Now I have lived in the south and have several close friends from MS so I can understand #2 to some degree but still, you must resolve the issue.

After that you can worry about the financial issues however I suspect that resolving the relationship issues will largely resolve the financial ones. Didn't you just quit your job or am I thinking of someone else?

HopeydaFish

10-14-2005, 10:40 AM

[ QUOTE ]
get drunk and call her

[/ QUOTE ]

At least you didn't go with "SIIHP". Thank god for small mercies.

My advice to BigSteve is that he needs to get his name on that deed. Give her an ultimatum -- either she hands over the house to him so that he's not getting *totally* hosed, or he moves out and she loses the house anyway. She doesn't have any power in this situation -- except for emotional blackmail, which is what is obviously going on here.

Talk2BigSteve

10-14-2005, 01:24 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Since u said the house is suppose to be split 3 ways when ur mom dies i think it ends up being a pretty easy call then. I dont know ur brother or sister but im about 90% sure they will turn into back stabers when it comes down to it and the money will seem very nice. So i would have to move out or force your mom to put the house in ur name or get ur bro and sis to contribute. Im only saying this about when ur mom dies from experice. I have seen this happen alot and it can really screw families up. Money really is the rude of all evil.

[/ QUOTE ]

My Brother looks at the situation this way, he graduated high school at 18 and joined the military, and he has never asked for a dime since.

My Sister is the evil money whore who I do not speak to.

Big Steve /images/graemlins/cool.gif

Talk2BigSteve

10-14-2005, 01:25 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Since u said the house is suppose to be split 3 ways when ur mom dies i think it ends up being a pretty easy call then. I dont know ur brother or sister but im about 90% sure they will turn into back stabers when it comes down to it and the money will seem very nice. So i would have to move out or force your mom to put the house in ur name or get ur bro and sis to contribute. Im only saying this about when ur mom dies from experice. I have seen this happen alot and it can really screw families up. Money really is the rude of all evil.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is a very good answer actually. If you're paying for the house, then it should be yours. Otherwise you're just giving the money to your siblings.

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree with you.

Big Steve /images/graemlins/cool.gif

Talk2BigSteve

10-14-2005, 01:27 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Worry less about the house situation than your relationship with your mother. Two things stand out to me, one she is taking advantage of you and two she is not accepting of your chosen lifestyle. Now I have lived in the south and have several close friends from MS so I can understand #2 to some degree but still, you must resolve the issue.

After that you can worry about the financial issues however I suspect that resolving the relationship issues will largely resolve the financial ones. Didn't you just quit your job or am I thinking of someone else?

[/ QUOTE ]

I did just quit my job, but I have plenty of income to get by for a good couple of years.

Big Steve /images/graemlins/cool.gif

BoogerFace

10-14-2005, 01:33 PM

[ QUOTE ]
dude, you are getting seriously hosed. try this:

sometimes the best thing for a person you love isn't what they'd prefer. you love your mom, right?

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree. But BigSteve, you have to move out. It's not healthy for any adult to live with their mother. And I'm not just talking about the no sex issue.

Talk2BigSteve

10-14-2005, 01:41 PM

I found out that she just had the house appraised a few months ago for $119K.

The Original Price my father got the house for in 1990 was $74,300. Even after the 125% equity loan she still will make a small profit if she sells the house.

We are in one of the best School Districts in the state so houses go fast. I told her that if there is a profit from the house that it will be split 50/50 with me. Then any money that she owes me above that will be set up on a $200 a month payment plan through her estate lawyer and either the balance will be paid in full before she passes away, or it will be paid in full from Life Insurance after she passes away, and before any funds are split.

I told here that my father was a great man, and I loved him as well but his memories need to be in your heart not in your house.

I gave her a date April 15th, 6 months from now, to have the house sold, This is also the last day that she works at H&R Block each year.

I told her the things that I wanted left to me of my fathers.

We are going to the Lawyer on Monday afternoon to get it all written up. My bank is pulling all my checking information for the past 5 years to see how much money I have actually had to give my mother.

I told her that I will alway love her, but I put my life on hold for you for 5 years and now is the time that we both need to pick up the pieces and move on.

Big Steve /images/graemlins/cool.gif

4_2_it

10-14-2005, 01:46 PM

I trust your mother is comfortable with all of these conditions (which are extremely reasonable)? I hope everything works out for both of you.

Shajen

10-14-2005, 01:57 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I found out that she just had the house appraised a few months ago for $119K.

The Original Price my father got the house for in 1990 was $74,300. Even after the 125% equity loan she still will make a small profit if she sells the house.

We are in one of the best School Districts in the state so houses go fast. I told her that if there is a profit from the house that it will be split 50/50 with me. Then any money that she owes me above that will be set up on a $200 a month payment plan through her estate lawyer and either the balance will be paid in full before she passes away, or it will be paid in full from Life Insurance after she passes away, and before any funds are split.

I told here that my father was a great man, and I loved him as well but his memories need to be in your heart not in your house.

I gave her a date April 15th, 6 months from now, to have the house sold, This is also the last day that she works at H&R Block each year.

I told her the things that I wanted left to me of my fathers.

We are going to the Lawyer on Monday afternoon to get it all written up. My bank is pulling all my checking information for the past 5 years to see how much money I have actually had to give my mother.

I told her that I will alway love her, but I put my life on hold for you for 5 years and now is the time that we both need to pick up the pieces and move on.

Big Steve /images/graemlins/cool.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

Good job Steve.

jaydub

10-14-2005, 02:22 PM

vulturesrow

10-14-2005, 02:49 PM

Steve,

I have a lot of respect for how you handled this (and I dont mean by posting on OOT). You were able to balance your commitment and love for you mom with the necessity of having to build more of a life for yourself. It seems like in the end you were able to handle it with a great deal of aplomb and dignity. Kudos to you. I hope that if I am ever in a similar situation that I will be able to handle it as well you have. Good luck.

OrianasDaad

10-14-2005, 03:03 PM

I think you already know what you want to do. Why come here for comfirmation/vindication?

CardSharpCook

10-14-2005, 03:13 PM

looks like you handled this well. Now on to the more pressing question:
[ QUOTE ]
My Sister is the evil money whore

[/ QUOTE ]
Is she hot?

Blarg

10-14-2005, 07:19 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
dude, you are getting seriously hosed. try this:

sometimes the best thing for a person you love isn't what they'd prefer. you love your mom, right?

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree. But BigSteve, you have to move out. It's not healthy for any adult to live with their mother. And I'm not just talking about the no sex issue.

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree with that too. You don't want to start slowly turning into your mother. Or Norman Bates. Or just resenting her.

Me, I know I'd resent her if I were paying the bills and couldn't bring anyone home. Even if I didn't admit it to myself. That can't help; it would just be brewing up poison. It's not healthy to live with the strictures of childhood if you're forced to assume the responsibilities of an adult. Being infantilized is bad mojo.

Blarg

10-14-2005, 07:25 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Steve,

I have a lot of respect for how you handled this (and I dont mean by posting on OOT). You were able to balance your commitment and love for you mom with the necessity of having to build more of a life for yourself. It seems like in the end you were able to handle it with a great deal of aplomb and dignity. Kudos to you. I hope that if I am ever in a similar situation that I will be able to handle it as well you have. Good luck.

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree. Parents are very tough to handle. Just had a visit with one of mine, and it was rough going. Grats Steve on working out what seems to be a sensible and not at all harsh plan. The repayment rate seems very forgiving and not at all rushed. Your mom was lucky to have you do so much for you, and you seem to winding up the whole deal in a way that's good for both of you. I'd be very happy if I could handle something like that as well as you did.

bravos1

10-14-2005, 07:26 PM

[ QUOTE ]
and if there is any equity in this house when she dies the house is to be sold and the profit split 3 ways between me, my brother, and my sister.

[/ QUOTE ]

You need to talk to your brother and sister regarding the situation!

Talk2BigSteve

10-14-2005, 07:42 PM

[ QUOTE ]
looks like you handled this well. Now on to the more pressing question:
[ QUOTE ]
My Sister is the evil money whore

[/ QUOTE ]
Is she hot?

[/ QUOTE ]

If a 420lb version of me in drag is hot, then SIIHP.

Big Steve /images/graemlins/cool.gif

Cosimo

10-14-2005, 08:27 PM

What would be best for your mom? For her to spend the rest of her years dwelling in memories, or for her to move on and find some other purpose? I'm obviously biased towards the latter here. It sounds like she's reluctant to let go of her grief.

I think moving out is a blunt way of asking her to let go. I'd suggest something else.

The fact that you're supporting her yet she's putting major restrictions on your private life would be a show-stopper for me. Bring the issue up; talk about it. There's gonna be yelling and screaming, but keep your eye on where you're going: to get her to move on. It'll help you, it'll help her. Codependence is not good for her.

Cosimo

10-14-2005, 08:33 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Since u said the house is suppose to be split 3 ways when ur mom dies i think it ends up being a pretty easy call then. I dont know ur brother or sister but im about 90% sure they will turn into back stabers when it comes down to it and the money will seem very nice. So i would have to move out or force your mom to put the house in ur name or get ur bro and sis to contribute. Im only saying this about when ur mom dies from experice. I have seen this happen alot and it can really screw families up. Money really is the rude of all evil.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yet it sounds like there's no equity there anyway. If Steve got 100% of the house, then he'd still be in debt because of the mortgage. Taking 0% right now gives the largest return.

Financially the best option is to sell the house, stick her with the debt (with the intent that that would force the siblings to chip in), and have her move somewhere cheap (like, with a sibling).

Cosimo

10-14-2005, 08:35 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I told her that I will alway love her, but I put my life on hold for you for 5 years and now is the time that we both need to pick up the pieces and move on.

[/ QUOTE ]

Great play.

Dave G.

10-14-2005, 08:47 PM

Nice work sir.

TimM

10-14-2005, 09:03 PM

[ QUOTE ]
she is a perfect candidate for a reverse mortgage.

[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
She refinanced with one of those 125% equity loans. She actually owes more that it is worth.

[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
If you have any debt against your home, you must either
pay it off before getting a reverse mortgage or - this is
what most borrowers do - use an immediate cash advance
from the reverse mortgage to pay it off. If you don't pay off
the debt beforehand, or do not qualify for a large enough
immediate cash advance to do so, you cannot get a reverse
mortgage.

[/ QUOTE ]

link (http://www.reverse.org/Basic%20Q&A.HTM)