Best SNL Commercials, Quarterfinals

[coffeecrazy1]

Very exciting 1st round gives us these top 8 commercials:

[Army Eye]

Can someone refresh my memory on Old Glory.. what was the gist of it. I'm sure I've seen it, just don't remember

[Sponger15SB]

[ QUOTE ]
Can someone refresh my memory on Old Glory.. what was the gist of it. I'm sure I've seen it, just don't remember

[/ QUOTE ]

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/95/95foldglory.phtml

There ya go.

[Ulysses]

I just want to comment that this is by far the best-seeded poll of this nature ever seen on 2+2. I personally think Adobe Car should have been a little higher, but overall, the seedings have been outstanding, as reflected in the voting results. The semis and finals will be tremendous!

[samjjones]

It came down to "Old Glory" and "Schmitt's Gay" for me, and I went with the latter. The thing that put it over the top for me was Farley and Sandler's faces when they start yelling at each other in excitement when the see the pool full of guys.

[SL__72]

My favorite isn't even in the poll... It was something about an investment company and a list, don't remember too well i guess. I think they had like 2+ of them though.

[imported_The Vibesman]

[ QUOTE ]
My favorite isn't even in the poll... It was something about an investment company and a list, don't remember too well i guess. I think they had like 2+ of them though.

[/ QUOTE ]

That's probably my favorite too.

"We will take our client's money and invest it. Part of the profit we will keep for ourselves; the rest we will give to the client.

We will make a list of our clients, and how much money each of them has given us to invest. We will keep this list in a safe place. If we have time, we will make a copy of the list, in case something happens to the first list.

If a client is talking, and you're not listening, and he notices, and he accuses you of not listening, just say, "Sure, I've been listening, I've heard every word you've said." If he then says, "Alright, tell me what I've been talking about." Just say, "You've been talking about your investments. Which stocks to buy and so on." That way the client will think you've been listening, even though you haven't.

Don't leave the client's money lying around. Keep it in a safe place. For example: where we keep the list.

If my wife calls, and I'm boning my secretary, tell her, I'm in a meeting or something. That way I can continue to bone my secretary without my wife finding out."

Grayson-Moorhead Securities.

[SL__72]

Haha, I was hoping someone would remember it.

[SL__72]

- A Tradition of Excellence -

Narrator:
On Wall Street, Trendy investment fads have come and gone over the
years, but not at Grayson Moorhead, where we've always stuck to the
basic principles set forth by Arthur Grayson nearly 80 years ago.

Arthur Grayson:
Our clients must be our first priority.

- The Tradition Endures -

AG:
We will take our client's money and invest it. Part of the profit
we will keep for ourselves; the rest we will give to the client.

- A Tradition of Security -

We will make a list of our clients and how much money each of them
has given us to invest. We will keep this list in a safe place. If
we have time we will make a copy of the list in case something happens
to the first list.

- A Tradition of Listening -

Listen to your client. It's the only way to know what he's saying.

- A Tradition of Trust -

If a client is talking and you're not listening and he notices and
he accuses you of not listening, just say, "Sure I've been listening,
I've heard every word you've said." If he then says, "All right, tell
me what I've been talking about," just say, "You've been talking about
your investments. Which stocks to buy and so on." That way the client
will think you've been listening even though you haven't.

- A Tradition of Integrity -

We will invest only in white-owned businesses.


Not all of Arthur Grayson's principles are followed today, but at
Grayson Moorhead we still believe in the basics.


Don't leave the client's money lying around. Keep it in a safe place.
For example: where we keep the list.


To Arthur Grayson, there was no substitute for knowing the market.


Clients will rely on us for market expertise. If the day ever comes
when a client knows more about the market than we do, copy him. Do
what he does.

- Writing Brokers' Names on Slips of Paper -

Once a year, we will write each broker's name on a slip of paper and
then place the slips in a hat. Each broker will then draw a slip of
paper from the hat. He will buy a gift for the broker whose name he
his drawn. He will be that broker's Secret Santa.

- Drawing Again -

If a broker draws his own name from the hat, he will draw again.

- Taking Special Care -

We must take special care of the list with each client's name and the
amount of money he has invested. If we were to lose that list, we
would be ruined.

- If My Wife Calls -

If my wife calls white I'm in shagging my secretary, tell her I'm
at a board meeting. That way I'll be able to continue shagging my
secretary without my wife knowing about it.

- the tradition continues... -

If my wife were to find out about me and my secretary; that would be bad.
As bad as losing the list.

[imported_The Vibesman]

I should have remembered that a firm as respectful as Grayson Moorhead would refer to it as "shagging," not the vulgar "boning."

[SL__72]

I like how they slipped in "We will invest only in white-owned businesses." Under "A Tradition of Integrity"

And the last line is awesome...

[Amid Cent]

Do not taunt happy fun ball.

We have a winner.

[coffeecrazy1]

My nomination thread was up for several days, but obviously, it is impossible for everyone to see it. I had to work with what OOT gave me, and the poll above is the result. Sorry.

[imported_The Vibesman]

[ QUOTE ]
My nomination thread was up for several days, but obviously, it is impossible for everyone to see it. I had to work with what OOT gave me, and the poll above is the result. Sorry.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah. I nominated the Grayson Moorhead commercials in that thread. I have no idea if it made the poll though, as this is the first round of the poll I have come across. I don't post much on weekends.

[coffeecrazy1]

Well, if you nominated it, then you were the only one to do so. Unfortunately, I had to draw the line somewhere, so I decided to poll only those commercials which more than one person acclaimed.

[SL__72]

Yeah I just missed the original thread.

[Sponger15SB]

Link to viewing schmitt's gay commercial (http://www.seanism.com/dlarea/?action=watch&id=36)

[Army Eye]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Can someone refresh my memory on Old Glory.. what was the gist of it. I'm sure I've seen it, just don't remember

[/ QUOTE ]

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/95/95foldglory.phtml

There ya go.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thanks, that was indeed a classic one.

[TheCroShow]

this is not fair, the finals are in this round, 3 vs 6..not cool

[nyc999]

I forgot about this one, but another real classic. The transcript doesn't really do it justice:

MetroCard

Representative.....Phil Hartman
Customer.....Roseanne Barr


Customer: It was raining pretty hard when I got into Cincinnati. It was a long flight, and I was in the taxi when I noticed I lost my credit card. It was pretty late, and I didn't know what to do. That's when the manager of the hotel suggested I call the MetroCard 24-hour help line. Because I wouldn't be talking to a recording. I'd be in touch with a real person. [ smiles ]

[ show MetroCard: "Real problems, real people" ]

Representative: Okay, so I'm sitting here at, like, 3:00 in the morning, I haven't had a break in two hours! And the phone rings, and there's some guy on the other end with this big hard-luck story, you know? And I'm listening, he goes on about Cincinnati, and the airport, and the rain and the taxi cab.. and he just won't get to the point, you know? So I ask him, "What do you want me to do about it? Bust out crying?" Like I've got nothing better to do than listen to him bitch!

Customer: She got right to the point, and wanted to know what she could do about it. So I told her I'd need another card as soon as possible, since I'd be taking clients out the next day.

Representative: Now, this is the part that gets me! Okay, he's telling me how he needs a new card when he gets up in the morning! You know, like he called the Credit Card Fairy, or something! Like I've got some magic wand, and all I've got to do is wave it around and fix everything for him! So I'm thinking about, so I ask him, "Hey, if I've got that kind of power over time and space, what the hell am I doing here talking to a loser like you at three in the morning!" Of course, he doesn't have an answer for that!

Customer: I didn't have the information she needed. So I deicded I'd call back.

Representative: So he hangs up! And I'm sitting there, and the phone rings, and I pick it up and say "Hello?" You know? And then there's a pause, and then a dial tone. So, almost immediately, the phone rings again, and I pick it up and say, "Hell-o-o-o-o??" And so there's this really long pause there this time, and this fake, really phone, English accent: "I lost my card at the airport." You know? And I say, "I know who you are!" And then he gets really mad and tells me I'm supposed to help him! You know, like I'm his Mom, or something. So I say, "Why don't you call home and have somebody wire you the money? Or call your company and tell them the problem? Or, better yet, why don't you take a personal check out of your checkbook, roll it up real tight, and then cram it!"

Customer: She gave me several options. And, well, everything worked out okay.

Representative: Oh, you know, I get a lot of calls from people who want to raise their credit limit.. But, of coure, you know, the only people calling up at 3 a.m. are usually deadbeats, and there's nothing you can do for 'em, you know? But once in a while you get that call from someone who really needs your help, and you tell 'em what to do, and they hang up and they leave you aone, and that's when you feel real good!

[ show MetroCard: "Real problems, real people" ]

Announcer: MetroCard. Because real problems have real people.

[CORed]

I voted for little chocolate donuts, but my true favorite wasn't in the poll. It was on the very first SNL, IIRC, it was for Triopenin, arthritis pain reliever in a bottle with a child-proof cap. The first few years of SNL were by far the best. Lately, the opening sketch and sometimes the news are the only parts of it worth watching.

[samjjones]

I assumed that this poll was restricted to the "filmed" commercials, so stuff like "Bass-O-Matic" and "Bag O'Glass" weren't included.

[ClassicBob]

I know all of these commercials except for little chocolate donuts. Can someone fill me in?

[Russ McGinley]

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/26266/john_belushi_donuts_of_champions/