My sister's drunken whore roommates (serious, longish)

[PoBoy321]

My sister just started her freshman year of college and while lots of things have been going well for her (classes are good, she joined the crew team) her roommate situation is absolutely awful. She is in a triple and both of her roommates get inappropriately drunk nearly every night and frequently come home at odd hours of the night with guys they've just met. Last night, one of her roommates apparently came home drunk at 3am with 2 guys, one of whom wrote on my sister's face with a permanent marker while she was sleeping. Normally, I would be the last one to decry someone for getting drunk and acting like an idiot, but the way that these two girls have treated my sister for the past month absolutely disgusts me. They have absolutely no respect for my sister, her property or her privacy.

There was a specific issue a few weeks ago where one of the girls came back to the room drunk, started throwing my sister's things around the room, got sick in the room, then tried to get into a fight with my sister. She spoke to the RA about the issues that she's been having and the possibility of changing her room assignment, yet two weeks later, he has taken absolutely no action to resolve the isssue. After the incident last night, she knows that something has to change.

My question is: What do you think is the best remedy?

My mom told my sister that she should talk to the RA, give him one more chance, try to have him handle the issue and hopefully resolve everything.

I said that the RA had his chance, he didn't take any action (not even the minimum disciplinary action for drunkenness and room damage) and now he's as much at fault as the roommates. I said to go above his head, first to the residence hall director and explain to him the ineffectiveness of the RA, the atrocious situation with the roommates and her general displeasure with the university's response to the problem. Should the residence hall director so much as blink before fixing the problems, go above his head to the student life director, tell him the situation, the fact that none of the people working underneath him are doing their jobs and be sure that at the very least, the RA is removed.

Obviously, some of you might think that my idea is a little harsh, but I really don't think that there's any way that I can really describe just how awful the situation is.

So which route is better and do you have any other suggestions?

[NotMitch]

Go above the RA, keep going up until she gets a good answer.

[M2d]

technically, isn't the drawing on the face thing assault and battery? have the chicks arrested.

[Sponger15SB]

http://www.litman.com/TTIUWP.gif

[Sponger15SB]

[ QUOTE ]
Go above the RA, keep going up until she gets a good answer.

[/ QUOTE ]

[Sponger15SB]

[ QUOTE ]
technically, isn't the drawing on the face thing assault and battery? have the chicks arrested.

[/ QUOTE ]

The chicks didn't draw on her face, some random guy did.

[miajag81]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Go above the RA, keep going up until she gets a good answer.

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]

This is the correct answer.

[TheTROLL]

I think your response is spot on, and I'd throw in offering to handle it all for her too if she has any qualms about doing it herself. These goons are being paid by her (or on her behalf) to take care of this crap. Get them earning their money.

[PoBoy321]

If I had them, I might post them, but they're really not much too look at. One, while she's blonde and has a decent body, has stringy hair and an oily pock-marked face. The other just looks like a horse.

[SL__72]

[ QUOTE ]
Go above the RA, keep going up until she gets a good answer.

[/ QUOTE ]

Agreed. I don't know if trying to get people removed from their jobs is the answer, but I think getting a new room is a must at this point.

[NotMitch]

[ QUOTE ]
Go above the RA, keep going up until she gets a good answer.

[/ QUOTE ]

Also if you take it higher, start getting complaints in writing, leave a trail so this can be documented. It really isnt much different than trying to fire someone at work, you need to build a case.

[dtbog]

Talk to the residence hall director as soon as possible.

Most RAs are just regular students with no leadership skills taking advantage of cheaper housing and meal plans. Many can't be bothered to care about the well-being of their residents any more than passively -- "if I have time, I'll help you.. but otherwise I don't care because I have my own problems". While this is understandable from a human standpoint, it means they're not doing their jobs.

Your sister deserves a new room ASAP, and the RA should be fired. The RHD can take care of that.

[imported_anacardo]

Just how unhappy is your sister?

Regardless, probably wouldn't hurt to go back to that RA, once, and let him know the score. If nothing comes of that, start systematically working your way up the hierarchy until satisfaction is acheived.

In any case, either the whores or your sister need to find a new place to live; I suggest it would be easier if your sister relocated to somewhere else on campus, if this are anything like your garden-variety drunken whores.

This kind of stuff happens every day on campus, and shouldn't be too hard to resolve, so long as you press the issue.

[dtbog]

[ QUOTE ]
Agreed. I don't know if trying to get people removed from their jobs is the answer

[/ QUOTE ]

Why not?

The RA is not performing the job for which s/he was hired, and it directly resulted in a student's misery. Next case.

I imagine this RA would be fired in about 10 minutes.

[samjjones]

http://mjmnpen.home.comcast.net/SgtHulka.jpg
"Lighten up, Francis."




Seriously, everybody knows somebody who had a similar situation with a roomate in college. All she can do is try to make the situation work until the administration can do something about it. Just keep complaining.

[PoBoy321]

[ QUOTE ]

I think your response is spot on, and I'd throw in offering to handle it all for her too if she has any qualms about doing it herself. These goons are being paid by her (or on her behalf) to take care of this crap. Get them earning their money.

[/ QUOTE ]

I've already offered to do that and even though I found out about this 15 minutes ago, I have a list of every phone number that I need. The money issue is probably the thing that pisses me off the most, not because I'm generally the type to throw the "Don't you know I'm paying your salary" line is someone's face, but because I'm not from a rich family, but my parents have worked too god damned hard to give me, my brother and sister the best possible education for any of us to put up with this [censored].

[lu_hawk]

Yeah I'd be super pissed at the guys and for the girls for letting it happen. What she should do is to go over the head of the RA and talk to the Housing Services Dept or whatever they call it at her school. They will definitely give her a quick transfer to another room if she describes what has happened.

[asofel]

I was an RA at Gtown and I dealt with [censored] like this all the time. Its the RA's responsibility to make the situation known to the house counselor and to keep your sister informed of the situation. I wouldn't think twice about talking to the hall coordinator; if the RA is a decent guy then it would be cool to let him know 'hey these girls are getting worse I really need to get out of here and I'm going to see if the HD can help out'. If he's a prick then obviously no need.

This kind of situation is beyond annoying and she should have no problem getting moved.

Oh, and as far as getting the RA fired. You won't really be able to get that kind of response and its probably not worth trying. Also, OP didn't explain how his sister knew no action had been taken. If he has done something and not told her, then yes he's and idiot, and the sister should feel fine in mentioning her frustration to her superior.

[dtbog]

[ QUOTE ]
http://mjmnpen.home.comcast.net/SgtHulka.jpg
"Lighten up, Francis."

[/ QUOTE ]

That's not really the answer here.

This is her safety and her property; two of our most basic rights.

[canis582]

Mind telling us what school? Shounds like a 3rd tier state school.

Forget contacting the residence hall director, she needs to pay a visit to the dean of students. She should bring a list of specific charges and should try to get them moved, not her.

[Turning Stone Pro]

Your sister should go directly to the Dean of Student Affairs. Your parents should accompany her. The situation should be handled in a professional, prompt manner: explain that the situation is simply unacceptable.

I would expect that complete satisfation should be able to be obtained. You just have to go high enough, so that the person you are talking to has something to lose if this type of occurrence becomes public knowledge.

TSP

[B Dids]

Go to the RD. Let them know the RA did nothing and that the face indicent happened. She'll get moved and the RA probably gets their ass chewed at a min.

[PoBoy321]

[ QUOTE ]

Seriously, everybody knows somebody who had a similar situation with a roomate in college. All she can do is try to make the situation work until the administration can do something about it. Just keep complaining.

[/ QUOTE ]

Sure, everyone has that situation. The roommate who drinks too much, or the roommate who's kind of a whore, and I completely understand that. Those situations are dealable.

When you have a situation in which the two people you live with are often belligerently drunk, bring strange men back to your room, damage your private property, have no respect for your living space and make the entire time you spend in your room miserable, something has to change.

[B Dids]

[ QUOTE ]
http://mjmnpen.home.comcast.net/SgtHulka.jpg
"Lighten up, Francis."




Seriously, everybody knows somebody who had a similar situation with a roomate in college. All she can do is try to make the situation work until the administration can do something about it. Just keep complaining.

[/ QUOTE ]

A few points.

1- [censored] with people while they're asleep: Totally acceptable if they fall asleep in a public dorm area, but way over the line if it's in their own bed. This is dorm ethics 101 to me.

2- This isn't just her friends messing with here. This is some random drunk guy she doesn't know [censored] with her while she's trying to sleep. This is her stuff being [censored] with and her roommates fighting with her.

[fnord_too]

Screw going to the residence director, have your parents call the dean and complain loudly. When I escalate, I like to go high. Throwing in implications that you might pull your daughter out of the school or observing that your daughter's assault (the writing thing) after a formal complaint was made opens the school to litigation will most likely get you a quick response from someone high up. I'm kind of jaded, though. I have dealt with so many crappy vendors and such piss poor customer service in my life that I really only give one shot before I go as high up the food chain as possible. I always maintain some level of proffesionalism, but I make it quite clear just how unhappy (and willing to take action) I am.

[PoBoy321]

[ QUOTE ]
Mind telling us what school?

[/ QUOTE ]

St. Joseph's University. Not sure how it's ranked, but a very good Jesuit (catholic) school (everyone in my family has had a Jesuit education).

[asofel]

[ QUOTE ]
Talk to the residence hall director as soon as possible.

Most RAs are just regular students with no leadership skills taking advantage of cheaper housing and meal plans. Many can't be bothered to care about the well-being of their residents any more than passively -- "if I have time, I'll help you.. but otherwise I don't care because I have my own problems". While this is understandable from a human standpoint, it means they're not doing their jobs.

Your sister deserves a new room ASAP, and the RA should be fired. The RHD can take care of that.

[/ QUOTE ]

it really sucks that was your experience. Most of the RA's in my building and others I knew were pretty cool and actually did give a [censored]. Of course there were some pricks...I don't know, maybe gtown's training did have some effect.

[TheTROLL]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

I think your response is spot on, and I'd throw in offering to handle it all for her too if she has any qualms about doing it herself. These goons are being paid by her (or on her behalf) to take care of this crap. Get them earning their money.

[/ QUOTE ]

I've already offered to do that and even though I found out about this 15 minutes ago, I have a list of every phone number that I need. The money issue is probably the thing that pisses me off the most, not because I'm generally the type to throw the "Don't you know I'm paying your salary" line is someone's face, but because I'm not from a rich family, but my parents have worked too god damned hard to give me, my brother and sister the best possible education for any of us to put up with this [censored].

[/ QUOTE ]

Good man, sounds like you're well on top of the situation. The "I'm paying your salary" line goes over a bit better as "I'm paying good money for a service here", though the implication is the same...

[B Dids]

As somebody who works at a University, don't go to the top if you don't have to, it will only antagonize the situation. There's a reason the RD is here, and there's no need to go higher when you haven't even talked to them.

I have very little patience for people who start running things to the very top when there's somebody 4 tiers lower who can actually solve the problem. If the sister will be living in the dorms for a prolonged time, she'll benefit from a postive relationship with the RD, don't risk pissing her off by going over their head.

[asofel]

overkill. Talking to the HD is the right move. If that doesn't do anything then sure escalate further, but if every parent who had an issue called the dean, the school would shut down.

[asofel]

[ QUOTE ]
As somebody who works at a University, don't go to the top if you don't have to, it will only antagonize the situation. There's a reason the RD is here, and there's no need to go higher when you haven't even talked to them.

I have very little patience for people who start running things to the very top when there's somebody 4 tiers lower who can actually solve the problem. If the sister will be living in the dorms for a prolonged time, she'll benefit from a postive relationship with the RD, don't risk pissing her off by going over their head.

[/ QUOTE ]

exactly.

[PoBoy321]

[ QUOTE ]

1- [censored] with people while they're asleep: Totally acceptable if they fall asleep in a public dorm area, but way over the line if it's in their own bed. This is dorm ethics 101 to me.

[/ QUOTE ]

Even worse on a Thursday night when the girl is stone cold sober, trying to get some rest because she has practice early in the morning.

[ QUOTE ]

2- This isn't just her friends messing with here. This is some random drunk guy she doesn't know [censored] with her while she's trying to sleep. This is her stuff being [censored] with and her roommates fighting with her.

[/ QUOTE ]

Agreed. The fact that these girls are constantly bringing back guys they don't know to the room is not only a nuisance, but potentially very dangerous. The fact that they wrote on her while she was sleeping, while maybe not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, it's certainly indicative of much worse things to come.

[samjjones]

No, I agree. But the university has a process for that...I'm just saying that NOTHING is going to happen until you go through that process. You've hit up the RA, he's done nothing...the next step is to continue complaining, and eventually somebody higher up (assuming St. Joe's resident life board isn't completely incompetent) has to do something. But keep in mind that once the roommates know that your sister is complaining about them, it will be even more "open season" on her.

Bottom line is: she is paying good money to go there, and they have to provide safe housing for her by law.

[canis582]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Mind telling us what school?

[/ QUOTE ]

St. Joseph's University. Not sure how it's ranked, but a very good Jesuit (catholic) school (everyone in my family has had a Jesuit education).

[/ QUOTE ]

Really? I never would have guessed a private christian school would have that level of whores. Your sister probobly got some of the worst of the class.

[PoBoy321]

[ QUOTE ]

it really sucks that was your experience. Most of the RA's in my building and others I knew were pretty cool and actually did give a [censored]. Of course there were some pricks...I don't know, maybe gtown's training did have some effect.

[/ QUOTE ]

The RA's I've had at GTown have always been great. There were a couple who seemed like they looked to get kids in trouble, but I think that that was just them following the rules a little more strictly than others. All-in-all, they were all very competent and helpful. Thankfully, I never had to deal with this situation, but I knew others who did and they all received a prompt, satisfactory response, which makes me that much angrier that my sister can't receive the same response.

[B Dids]

[ QUOTE ]
Screw going to the residence director, have your parents call the dean and complain loudly. When I escalate, I like to go high. Throwing in implications that you might pull your daughter out of the school or observing that your daughter's assault (the writing thing) after a formal complaint was made opens the school to litigation will most likely get you a quick response from someone high up. I'm kind of jaded, though. I have dealt with so many crappy vendors and such piss poor customer service in my life that I really only give one shot before I go as high up the food chain as possible. I always maintain some level of proffesionalism, but I make it quite clear just how unhappy (and willing to take action) I am.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm sure your attitude has NOTHING to do with why this keeps happening.

If you took this approach with my staff, and went to our Vice Provost before asking to speak with me, I can promise that you would get about as little help as I could provide will still doing my job. If you go to me directly and act like an adult, I'll probably do everything in my power to help you out.

This is something that bothers me about people. They seem to think that being difficult and demanding will get better results than being respectful and friendly.

It's not even about being nice, it's just about exploiting people in the most effective manner.

[BoogerFace]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Mind telling us what school?

[/ QUOTE ]

St. Joseph's University. Not sure how it's ranked, but a very good Jesuit (catholic) school (everyone in my family has had a Jesuit education).

[/ QUOTE ]

Really? I never would have guessed a private christian school would have that level of whores. Your sister probobly got some of the worst of the class.

[/ QUOTE ]

You obviously haven't hung out with catholic girls. Get a copy of 'Joe's Garage' by Frank Zappa.

[PoBoy321]

[ QUOTE ]

Really? I never would have guessed a private christian school would have that level of whores. Your sister probobly got some of the worst of the class.

[/ QUOTE ]

Not to get off topic, but there are plenty of whorish girls at top tier Catholic school, probably because many of them have gone away from their strict catholic stance to attain a more academic environment.

[fnord_too]

[ QUOTE ]
As somebody who works at a University, don't go to the top if you don't have to, it will only antagonize the situation. There's a reason the RD is here, and there's no need to go higher when you haven't even talked to them.

I have very little patience for people who start running things to the very top when there's somebody 4 tiers lower who can actually solve the problem. If the sister will be living in the dorms for a prolonged time, she'll benefit from a postive relationship with the RD, don't risk pissing her off by going over their head.

[/ QUOTE ]

As someone who has dealt with lots of BS, including school administrative BS, I find escalting to the highest level the most effective. I will give the first contact a fair shot, and if they direct me to a superior I will talk to them, but if I get blown off or they just can't resolve the issue or at least pass it off to someone who can, I got right the hell up immediately. (This is not something I used to do, it took a lot of crap before I adopted this [censored] attitude when dealing with these sorts of situations, but it really is the most effective way from my (the person with a grievance, that is) perspective.)

The thing is, the person 4 tiers lower DID NOT solve the problem. This is not a "my neighbor is loud when I am trying to study" problem either, this is a "my person and belongings are being threatened" problem.

[canis582]

One of the things that was brought up will scare the heck out of the school. Your sister contacted the school's designated authority figure for her dorm about VANDALISM and ASSAULT. The authority figure did nothing. The school has a legal responsibility to ensure that she is in a safe environment. It failed, badly.

The Dean of Students will be very interested in hearing about this.

[savman]

[ QUOTE ]
Your sister should go directly to the Dean of Student Affairs. Your parents should accompany her. The situation should be handled in a professional, prompt manner: explain that the situation is simply unacceptable.

I would expect that complete satisfation should be able to be obtained. You just have to go high enough, so that the person you are talking to has something to lose if this type of occurrence becomes public knowledge.

TSP

[/ QUOTE ]

i agree. and i wouldnt leave the dean of students office until action was taken to remedy the situation. if he doesnt like it, go to the dean. imo, this is a very serious situtation. drinking and whoring are one thing, but bringing random bar flies back to her dorm is unacceptable and potentially harmful.

[offTopic]

[ QUOTE ]
If I had them, I might post them, but they're really not much too look at. One, while she's blonde and has a decent body, has stringy hair and an oily pock-marked face.


[/ QUOTE ]

http://img65.exs.cx/img65/2465/crazychloe8jg.jpg

[ QUOTE ]
The other just looks like a horse.

[/ QUOTE ]


http://content.clearchannel.com/Photos/female_celebrities/sarah_jessica_parker/sarah_jessica_parker_GI.jpg

[Matt Flynn]

These kinds of problems are easy to deal with with experience but really hard when you face them for the first time.

The issue that deserves and will get the most attention is personal safety. A sample speech:

"My roommates have been getting drunk almost nightly and often bring home random guys to sleep with. Last week while I was sleeping they had guys over and someone drew on my face in permanent marker. I am concerned about getting raped. I want my safety assured. What can be done?"

Your sister should speak calmly and firmly if she can. She should talk first to her academic advisor and to the first level of authority above student. If she is not satisfied in two days she should go to the Dean of Freshmen (or Dean of Students if freshmen are not separated out). If that does not work she should go to the Chancellor's office. If she is truly frightened and not just pissed, she should go directly to the Dean of Freshmen.

The college has a legal responsibility to provide a safe environment. The adults in charge will understand the legal implications and the potential damage to the school's reputation should antyhing serious happen. Younger adults-in-charge may not get it.

Good luck.

Matt

[flair1239]

If this was my daughter, I would be handling this with/for her.

IMO this is a safety issue more than anything else. I don't fault girls for having sex or screwing around with who they want when they want.

But I really think the roomates bringing home multiple random drunk/horny guys back to the room surely increases the chances for some form of sexual assault. The situation is intolerable and I would not expect some random RA to be capable of handling it effectively.

I would go right to the person in charge of student affairs and skip the intermediate steps, as at some level this is a safety issue.

[Shajen]

http://www.teenchallenge.com/images/drugs/rohypnol.jpg

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http://www.remmler.de/Wordkurs/Download/data/Drink.gif


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http://www.wedowed.com/gc187.jpg


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http://www.no-problem.pl/images/no_problem_foto.jpg

[fnord_too]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Screw going to the residence director, have your parents call the dean and complain loudly. When I escalate, I like to go high. Throwing in implications that you might pull your daughter out of the school or observing that your daughter's assault (the writing thing) after a formal complaint was made opens the school to litigation will most likely get you a quick response from someone high up. I'm kind of jaded, though. I have dealt with so many crappy vendors and such piss poor customer service in my life that I really only give one shot before I go as high up the food chain as possible. I always maintain some level of proffesionalism, but I make it quite clear just how unhappy (and willing to take action) I am.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm sure your attitude has NOTHING to do with why this keeps happening.

If you took this approach with my staff, and went to our Vice Provost before asking to speak with me, I can promise that you would get about as little help as I could provide will still doing my job. If you go to me directly and act like an adult, I'll probably do everything in my power to help you out.

This is something that bothers me about people. They seem to think that being difficult and demanding will get better results than being respectful and friendly.

It's not even about being nice, it's just about exploiting people in the most effective manner.

[/ QUOTE ]

I am extremely polite and gracious when dealing with people. I am open to all reasonable alternative courses. However, when things do not get resolved, there is just no more effective way than escalating that I have found. It's not like I go in berating people for no reason, and I don't take my first complaint to the top. If someone is trying to resolve the issue, I am not going to jump down their throat or go to their boss. If someone is not capable of resolving an issue but is trying, I will try to divert to the next level in a polite way to resolve the issue. However, when things deteriorate, and people have no interest or intent of resolving the issue, that is another story. You would not believe some of the crap that goes on. On SEVERAL occasions, problems arose where that I specifically asked about before hand and offered alternatives to in advance. (Like one time, before the UPS strike, I asked how something was shipped. They said UPS, I mentioned that they were likely to go on strike in a day or two and offered to go pick the thing up myself. "Oh no, yada yada yada" and I have a package stuck in transit for weeks. That really pisses me off because I was willing to go out of my way to make sure a potential problem (that they should have been thinking about in the first place) didn't happen, and they assured me that everything was covered, and then exactly what I had [censored] asked them about happened.)

At any rate, you may not believe this but I am very easy to work with and polite, but when things just are not getting resolved in a reasonable fashion, I switch to being a complete jerk because that IS what gets results. Also, any [censored] that rolls downhill on these occasions is usually quite deserved.

ooo, catfight! giigggigidi

[Boris]

Your SISTER! We want pics of your sister, the drunk whores.

[Miggo]

You go to the next person up the pile and tell them you want your sister moved or the roomates moved now, because next time any little thing happens, my lawyer said to contact the police because a police report is the best evidense when a lawsuit is brought up against the school for criminal negligence after this has been reported to the RA numerous times and nothing has been done. My guess is someone will be relocated by the end of the day.

[MelchyBeau]

If you leave her in this situation she is bound to get raped. [censored] the RA go directly to the housing director.

Melch

[flair1239]

[ QUOTE ]

If you took this approach with my staff, and went to our Vice Provost before asking to speak with me, I can promise that you would get about as little help as I could provide will still doing my job. If you go to me directly and act like an adult, I'll probably do everything in my power to help you out.

This is something that bothers me about people. They seem to think that being difficult and demanding will get better results than being respectful and friendly.

It's not even about being nice, it's just about exploiting people in the most effective manner.

[/ QUOTE ]

So should they worry about "proper procedure" and respecting your Bureaucracy even though the situation has continually escalated?

What if instead of writing on her face, the roomates decided it might be funny to have one of the guy "finish off" on her face, or wipe his dick off on her hair while she was sleeping. Such things might make for good arousing porn, but the thought of leaving a sister/daughter at risk is probably pretty sickening for most people who have sisters or daughters.

The situation has escalated. Also the system has already had a chance to work.

This is not a case of typical female cattieness. There is an unstable sexual element here that moves this situation from standardly annoying to potentially dangerous. The sitution does call for a quick assertive response. This girl is out of her league sexually, and is having problems being assertive, that said the situation needs to resolved immediately... waiting for other to finally do their jobs is pretty weak in this situation.

[B Dids]

You've totally missed my point.

[flair1239]

[ QUOTE ]
You've totally missed my point.

[/ QUOTE ]

No, I got your point. I just don't agree.