09-20-2005, 10:56 AM
The Antweh post was fun so I'd thought I'd give a sneak peek to the creation of the Church of Ned, Son-in-Law of God. Below is an excerpt from the long-lost scripture that I have been translating from the Hebrew original. Enjoy.
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The Gospel According to
LARRY
The Genealogy of Ned Christ
The book of the genealogy of Ned Christ, the Son of Gary, the Son of Benjamin:
Benjamin begot Ivan, who begot Maharrah, who begot Tommarah, who begot the brothers Thomas, Tom, and Tommy. The eldest Thomas then begot Jeffrey, who begot Rohoboah, who begot Geoffrey, not to be confused with his grandfather Jeffrey. Geoffrey then begot Manasah, who begot Soatel by the princess Stefani, who begot Amir. Amir then begot Gary, the great king of Jallamara, who begot Gary the younger, the not-so-great (and last) king of Jallamara. Gary the younger begot Hezekial, who begot Jehomophat, who begot Jelosophat, who begot Uzzaroh by the prostitute Destiny. Uzzaroh then begot Kyle, who begot the brothers Kallah and Killah, the eldest Kallah begetting the bastard Melvin while imprisoned in Persia. Melvin begot Fred, who then begot Ned, the Son-in-Law of the Lord. And so it was ten generations from Benjamin to King Gary, and ten generations from Gary to the Son-in-Law of God.
Ned Christ Born of Hazel
Now the birth of Ned Christ was as follows: After His mother Hazel was betrothed to Fred of Jerusalem Heights, a suburb of the city of Jerusalem, she was found with child imminently following the ceremony. Hazel told of the coming of the angel Benson, who planted the blessed Child within her through immaculate conception, although Fred suspected the seed to be that of Vincent of Nazareth, a mason who so recently installed a porch onto the house of Fred and Hazel. Fred, a respected member of his community, took his wife away in secret to give birth to her Child so soon after their marriage. And the Lord spoke to Fred in a dream saying, “Fred, son of Melvin, do not be afraid to take Hazel your wife, for she is carrying the Child that will one day marry my Daughter, and forever reign in heaven as the Son-in-Law of God.” And Fred took Hazel to a shabby inn on the outskirts of Nehron and she brought forth her firstborn Son. And he called His name Ned.
Wise Men from the West
Now after Ned was born in Nehron of Judea in the early days of Herod the king, three wise men from the western lands made their way towards Jerusalem, asking along the way, “Where is He who is born the Son-in-Law of God? For we have seen His star from the west and have come to worship Him.” And they met a camel driver named Lou who said unto them, “Go ye to the town of Nehron and you will find the Blowing Sands Inn, and there ye shall find the Son-in-Law of God.” They asked how such a lowly man would know such things, but the driver said unto them, “I may drive a camel, and am not some fancy-pants wise man from the west, but these things I know from the prophet Jay who hath ridden with me and told of the coming of the Son-in-Law of the Almighty.” And the wise men continued to the town of Nehron where they indeed found the Baby Ned. When they entered the room, they fell upon their knees and worshiped Him. And they opened their baggage and presented treasures to the newborn Child: silver, a talking Elmo, and a pair of booties.
Flight to Greece
Now after the wise men departed, behold an angel of the Lord came to Fred and said, “Arise, take the young Child and flee across the sea to Greece for Herod will be looking for the Child to destroy Him. In Greece, you will meet an old sage named Jimmy. Stay with Jimmy the Greek until the death of Herod, and then you shall return to fulfill the prophesy: Out of the land of Socrates, my Son-in-Law shall come.
The Wrath of Herod
And in Judea following the flight of the Baby Ned to Greece, Herod had confirmed that the wise men had sought the Son-in-Law of God, and his earthly kingdom was in peril. His wrath boiled over and he sent forth a decree. All male children who were born near the town of Nehron in the last year were to be vigorously spanked until their bottoms were as red as the setting sun. And the sounds of screaming children and wailing mothers echoed over the sands of Judea for a fortnight.
//// sections yet to be completed ////
Skimmers of Men
Now Ned, walking through the Roman bath house of Jerusalem, came across three bath workers, Frank called Tito, and his brother Stan, and Randy of Galilee, cleaning the filth from the waters. And He said unto them, “Follow Me, and I will make you skimmers of men.” Then they immediately dropped their utensils and followed Him out of the bathing pools. And going from there, Ned saw a dark man attending the washing room, a fugitive slave from Egypt known as Tyrone. And He said unto Tyrone, “Come with Me and you will wash the holy feet of the Son-in-Law of God.” And Tyrone followed Him. Leaving the bath house and entering the streets of the city, He came across Lyle, the youngest brother of James and John, the sons of Zebedee. And He called unto Lyle, and Lyle immediately left his vending cart of fig cakes and followed Him. Ned then sent Tyrone to fetch the remainder of the fig cakes. And so it was, Ned with His disciples Tito, Stan, Randy, Tyrone, and Lyle went out from the city and walked into the desert.
Jesus and Ned Heal a Great Multitude
Now Jesus went all about Galilee, teaching in the synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing the sick. His fame went throughout all Syria, and they brought to Him all those who were afflicted with various diseases and torments, and those who were possessed by demons, epileptics, and paralytics. And seeing the great multitudes following Him throughout Galilee, He called upon his disciple Peter to seek out Ned from His desert wanderings. And Peter brought Ned to Jesus, and together They healed the great multitude, with Jesus healing the diseased and possessed, and Ned laying hands to those with birth defects and workplace injuries.
The Beatitudes
And after healing the multitudes, Jesus went up on a mountain followed by His Brother-in-Law Ned and both Their disciples. Then Jesus opened His mouth and taught them, saying:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”
But at this time, Jesus sat down and quenched His thirst with a cool beverage. And Ned stood up and continued to teach them, saying:
“Blessed are the short, for their eyes shall behold thy bosom.
Blessed are the deaf, for they shall not hear a woman’s blather.
Blessed are the flatulent, for their exhaust shall smell of roses.”
And Jesus, refreshed, again stood up and continued, saying:
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be fulfilled.”
And He continued teaching, but Ned and His disciples had become weary and left the mountain in search of fig cakes and a place to rest.
Jerry the Hairdresser Avoids Beheading
And so a moon had passed since the beheading of John the Baptist by the command of Herod the tetrarch for denouncing the king’s relationship with his brother’s wife. It was the disciples of Jesus who had buried the body of the prophet, and brought the sad news to Jesus. But now another slight had befallen the virulent ruler as Jerry the hairdresser had shorn his royal mane a bit too close for the king’s liking. And Herod again called for a head to be delivered on a silver platter. The disciple Tito, who played cards with a royal guard, heard of these plans and told Ned who regularly had His hair trimmed by Jerry. Two royal soldiers came in the night and knocked upon the door of Jerry the hairdresser, but when they entered they found Ned, the Son-in-Law of God, standing before them, and they were struck down by His staff. And Ned went to His disciples that night saying, “My Brother-in-Law may turn the other cheek, but when a man cometh to cut off thy head, it’s time to bring it.”
Feeding the Five Thousand
After sparing Jerry the hairdresser, Ned and His disciples retreated across the water to where Jesus and His disciples were still mourning the death of John the Baptist. The multitudes heard of the location of Jesus and Ned, and they followed from the cities in search of healing and guidance. And the divine Duo went out to see the multitude and felt great compassion and healed their sick. But when evening fell, the multitude lingered on, and the disciples of Jesus told them to go away and find food back in their cities. But Ned said, “Jesus Christ, Your disciples are a disgrace! We shall feed them.” And then Jesus said, “Yes, bring them to Me.” Then Jesus commanded them to sit upon the grass and He took the remaining five loaves and two fish, and blessed them, and began passing them to the five thousand, and there was enough for every person to receive their share. Meanwhile, Ned took a scrap of papyrus and a small plank of wood, and blessed them, and passed them out to the multitude. And there was enough so that every person had a plate and a napkin. And so Jesus and Ned fed the multitude.
Jesus Walks on Water
After the multitude dispersed, the disciples of both Jesus and Ned boarded their boat, but the holy Brothers-in-Law stayed to pray. And the boat drifted from the bank due to the contrary winds. Jesus then walked upon the waves out to the boat, but His disciples were troubled and thought He was a ghost, and Peter asked Jesus if he could come out to Him. Peter began to walk upon the water but sank as his fear increased, and Jesus lifted him into the boat. And His disciples exclaimed, “Truly you are the Son of God!” They then began to mock the disciples of Ned, saying “Your master could never do what Jesus has done this day.” And Ned, still along the bank, heard their taunts and bent over lifting His robe and a blinding lightning bolt shot from his buttocks and across the waves, and the disciples were knocked to the floor of the boat. And then Ned rose to the heavens and descended gently into the boat. And so it was the disciples of Ned who laughed last.
//// sections yet to be completed ////
The Last Supper of Ned
And Ned gathered with His five disciples, Tito, Stan, Randy, Tyrone, and Lyle, and summoned them to supper at His table. He offered a prayer to His Father-in-Law in heaven and then took out a salami. “Take this salami. It is the body of Ned Christ.” And he took a bite of the salami and passed it to Tito, who also took a bite and then passed it around. And then He produced a golden chalice filled with a sparkling yellow drink. “With this drink, your territory in heaven shall be marked for eternity. Sip this Mountain Dew, for it is the urine of the Son-in-Law of God.” And Ned and His disciples each touched the chalice to their lips and sipped the divine urine. After finishing their supper, the disciples asked Ned about the coming tribulations. “One of you will betray Me this very night,” said He. And it was Randy who stood up and declared, “Master, You must not think one of us would ever betray You after consuming your very meat and urine this night!” But as he said this, it was Tyrone who quickly rose to his feet and ran from the table. Then it was Lyle, the strongest in heart of the five disciples, saying, “I knew it would be the nigger.”
The Arrest of Ned
//// sections yet to be completed ////
... I still have some work to do on it.
-------
The Gospel According to
LARRY
The Genealogy of Ned Christ
The book of the genealogy of Ned Christ, the Son of Gary, the Son of Benjamin:
Benjamin begot Ivan, who begot Maharrah, who begot Tommarah, who begot the brothers Thomas, Tom, and Tommy. The eldest Thomas then begot Jeffrey, who begot Rohoboah, who begot Geoffrey, not to be confused with his grandfather Jeffrey. Geoffrey then begot Manasah, who begot Soatel by the princess Stefani, who begot Amir. Amir then begot Gary, the great king of Jallamara, who begot Gary the younger, the not-so-great (and last) king of Jallamara. Gary the younger begot Hezekial, who begot Jehomophat, who begot Jelosophat, who begot Uzzaroh by the prostitute Destiny. Uzzaroh then begot Kyle, who begot the brothers Kallah and Killah, the eldest Kallah begetting the bastard Melvin while imprisoned in Persia. Melvin begot Fred, who then begot Ned, the Son-in-Law of the Lord. And so it was ten generations from Benjamin to King Gary, and ten generations from Gary to the Son-in-Law of God.
Ned Christ Born of Hazel
Now the birth of Ned Christ was as follows: After His mother Hazel was betrothed to Fred of Jerusalem Heights, a suburb of the city of Jerusalem, she was found with child imminently following the ceremony. Hazel told of the coming of the angel Benson, who planted the blessed Child within her through immaculate conception, although Fred suspected the seed to be that of Vincent of Nazareth, a mason who so recently installed a porch onto the house of Fred and Hazel. Fred, a respected member of his community, took his wife away in secret to give birth to her Child so soon after their marriage. And the Lord spoke to Fred in a dream saying, “Fred, son of Melvin, do not be afraid to take Hazel your wife, for she is carrying the Child that will one day marry my Daughter, and forever reign in heaven as the Son-in-Law of God.” And Fred took Hazel to a shabby inn on the outskirts of Nehron and she brought forth her firstborn Son. And he called His name Ned.
Wise Men from the West
Now after Ned was born in Nehron of Judea in the early days of Herod the king, three wise men from the western lands made their way towards Jerusalem, asking along the way, “Where is He who is born the Son-in-Law of God? For we have seen His star from the west and have come to worship Him.” And they met a camel driver named Lou who said unto them, “Go ye to the town of Nehron and you will find the Blowing Sands Inn, and there ye shall find the Son-in-Law of God.” They asked how such a lowly man would know such things, but the driver said unto them, “I may drive a camel, and am not some fancy-pants wise man from the west, but these things I know from the prophet Jay who hath ridden with me and told of the coming of the Son-in-Law of the Almighty.” And the wise men continued to the town of Nehron where they indeed found the Baby Ned. When they entered the room, they fell upon their knees and worshiped Him. And they opened their baggage and presented treasures to the newborn Child: silver, a talking Elmo, and a pair of booties.
Flight to Greece
Now after the wise men departed, behold an angel of the Lord came to Fred and said, “Arise, take the young Child and flee across the sea to Greece for Herod will be looking for the Child to destroy Him. In Greece, you will meet an old sage named Jimmy. Stay with Jimmy the Greek until the death of Herod, and then you shall return to fulfill the prophesy: Out of the land of Socrates, my Son-in-Law shall come.
The Wrath of Herod
And in Judea following the flight of the Baby Ned to Greece, Herod had confirmed that the wise men had sought the Son-in-Law of God, and his earthly kingdom was in peril. His wrath boiled over and he sent forth a decree. All male children who were born near the town of Nehron in the last year were to be vigorously spanked until their bottoms were as red as the setting sun. And the sounds of screaming children and wailing mothers echoed over the sands of Judea for a fortnight.
//// sections yet to be completed ////
Skimmers of Men
Now Ned, walking through the Roman bath house of Jerusalem, came across three bath workers, Frank called Tito, and his brother Stan, and Randy of Galilee, cleaning the filth from the waters. And He said unto them, “Follow Me, and I will make you skimmers of men.” Then they immediately dropped their utensils and followed Him out of the bathing pools. And going from there, Ned saw a dark man attending the washing room, a fugitive slave from Egypt known as Tyrone. And He said unto Tyrone, “Come with Me and you will wash the holy feet of the Son-in-Law of God.” And Tyrone followed Him. Leaving the bath house and entering the streets of the city, He came across Lyle, the youngest brother of James and John, the sons of Zebedee. And He called unto Lyle, and Lyle immediately left his vending cart of fig cakes and followed Him. Ned then sent Tyrone to fetch the remainder of the fig cakes. And so it was, Ned with His disciples Tito, Stan, Randy, Tyrone, and Lyle went out from the city and walked into the desert.
Jesus and Ned Heal a Great Multitude
Now Jesus went all about Galilee, teaching in the synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing the sick. His fame went throughout all Syria, and they brought to Him all those who were afflicted with various diseases and torments, and those who were possessed by demons, epileptics, and paralytics. And seeing the great multitudes following Him throughout Galilee, He called upon his disciple Peter to seek out Ned from His desert wanderings. And Peter brought Ned to Jesus, and together They healed the great multitude, with Jesus healing the diseased and possessed, and Ned laying hands to those with birth defects and workplace injuries.
The Beatitudes
And after healing the multitudes, Jesus went up on a mountain followed by His Brother-in-Law Ned and both Their disciples. Then Jesus opened His mouth and taught them, saying:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”
But at this time, Jesus sat down and quenched His thirst with a cool beverage. And Ned stood up and continued to teach them, saying:
“Blessed are the short, for their eyes shall behold thy bosom.
Blessed are the deaf, for they shall not hear a woman’s blather.
Blessed are the flatulent, for their exhaust shall smell of roses.”
And Jesus, refreshed, again stood up and continued, saying:
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be fulfilled.”
And He continued teaching, but Ned and His disciples had become weary and left the mountain in search of fig cakes and a place to rest.
Jerry the Hairdresser Avoids Beheading
And so a moon had passed since the beheading of John the Baptist by the command of Herod the tetrarch for denouncing the king’s relationship with his brother’s wife. It was the disciples of Jesus who had buried the body of the prophet, and brought the sad news to Jesus. But now another slight had befallen the virulent ruler as Jerry the hairdresser had shorn his royal mane a bit too close for the king’s liking. And Herod again called for a head to be delivered on a silver platter. The disciple Tito, who played cards with a royal guard, heard of these plans and told Ned who regularly had His hair trimmed by Jerry. Two royal soldiers came in the night and knocked upon the door of Jerry the hairdresser, but when they entered they found Ned, the Son-in-Law of God, standing before them, and they were struck down by His staff. And Ned went to His disciples that night saying, “My Brother-in-Law may turn the other cheek, but when a man cometh to cut off thy head, it’s time to bring it.”
Feeding the Five Thousand
After sparing Jerry the hairdresser, Ned and His disciples retreated across the water to where Jesus and His disciples were still mourning the death of John the Baptist. The multitudes heard of the location of Jesus and Ned, and they followed from the cities in search of healing and guidance. And the divine Duo went out to see the multitude and felt great compassion and healed their sick. But when evening fell, the multitude lingered on, and the disciples of Jesus told them to go away and find food back in their cities. But Ned said, “Jesus Christ, Your disciples are a disgrace! We shall feed them.” And then Jesus said, “Yes, bring them to Me.” Then Jesus commanded them to sit upon the grass and He took the remaining five loaves and two fish, and blessed them, and began passing them to the five thousand, and there was enough for every person to receive their share. Meanwhile, Ned took a scrap of papyrus and a small plank of wood, and blessed them, and passed them out to the multitude. And there was enough so that every person had a plate and a napkin. And so Jesus and Ned fed the multitude.
Jesus Walks on Water
After the multitude dispersed, the disciples of both Jesus and Ned boarded their boat, but the holy Brothers-in-Law stayed to pray. And the boat drifted from the bank due to the contrary winds. Jesus then walked upon the waves out to the boat, but His disciples were troubled and thought He was a ghost, and Peter asked Jesus if he could come out to Him. Peter began to walk upon the water but sank as his fear increased, and Jesus lifted him into the boat. And His disciples exclaimed, “Truly you are the Son of God!” They then began to mock the disciples of Ned, saying “Your master could never do what Jesus has done this day.” And Ned, still along the bank, heard their taunts and bent over lifting His robe and a blinding lightning bolt shot from his buttocks and across the waves, and the disciples were knocked to the floor of the boat. And then Ned rose to the heavens and descended gently into the boat. And so it was the disciples of Ned who laughed last.
//// sections yet to be completed ////
The Last Supper of Ned
And Ned gathered with His five disciples, Tito, Stan, Randy, Tyrone, and Lyle, and summoned them to supper at His table. He offered a prayer to His Father-in-Law in heaven and then took out a salami. “Take this salami. It is the body of Ned Christ.” And he took a bite of the salami and passed it to Tito, who also took a bite and then passed it around. And then He produced a golden chalice filled with a sparkling yellow drink. “With this drink, your territory in heaven shall be marked for eternity. Sip this Mountain Dew, for it is the urine of the Son-in-Law of God.” And Ned and His disciples each touched the chalice to their lips and sipped the divine urine. After finishing their supper, the disciples asked Ned about the coming tribulations. “One of you will betray Me this very night,” said He. And it was Randy who stood up and declared, “Master, You must not think one of us would ever betray You after consuming your very meat and urine this night!” But as he said this, it was Tyrone who quickly rose to his feet and ran from the table. Then it was Lyle, the strongest in heart of the five disciples, saying, “I knew it would be the nigger.”
The Arrest of Ned
//// sections yet to be completed ////
... I still have some work to do on it.