Confronting a Bulimic Acquaintance

[goofball]

(yes a serious topic in OOT)

So I have this acquaintance who's bulimic and I'm trying to decide whether there would be any value in confronting her. She's smart, college educated (and graduated in 3 years) and knows she has it or knows that what she is doing is bulimia, but doesn't stop.

I have some experience with this disease and anorexia as someone in the gymnastics community for most of my life as an athlete and coach. I know it's a serious disease and that left untreated it's very likely to kill. I don't talk to her often, and my source of information is her livejournal where she talks very candidly in locked posts about her eating habits. She also posts pictures and compared to the last time I saw her she looks a lot skiinier; to the point of being unhealthy. These are all reasons to speak up.


There are some problems though.

First and foremost, I don't know her that well. She's a friend of my girlfriends from her old job and they aren't even super close. I've met her, partied with her, talked to her in person only about 6 times, and on aim maybe 50? It would be awkward if I were to run into her at a bar or something, but there are many many people who know her better. It certainly wouldn't be appropriate for me to just call and make plans to hang out or something.

Second, I don't know what, if anything, her other friends have said. It may be that she's already been confronted by people she's much closer with. I have no specific knowledge of anything confronting her about her disease.

Third, I'm not sure what good would come from a confrontation. I don't know that there would be a positive result.

Finally, I don't have a good way to contact her. It would have to be through email. She's at a youth volunteer thing, like the peace corp. I don't know her phone number and we don't live in the same city.


I'm torn. On one hand I know what this disease can do, I like her, and i don't want to sit idly by and watch it progress in anyone I know. On the other we aren't that close, I'm not sure that I wouldn't be telling her things she's already heard or that I'd even be able to help her in the slightest, and I don't have a particularly good way of contacting her.

So, OOT, should I confront her as soon as possible, wait for a time I can talk to her face to face, or wait and see if she gets treatment either at the beheast of closer friends or for some other reason? Or should I just let her live her life the she wants and why?

[Macdaddy Warsaw]

My ex-girlfriend was bulemic. She was doing it when we started dating and was still doing it when we broke up a year and a half later. She was seeing a psychologist and taking prozac for the last 4 months we dated. I don't know if she's gotten better as we haven't really talked much since breaking up.

That said, as much as it sucks, if I were you, I wouldn't do anything about it if you really don't know the girl well. I say this mostly because it will be a waste of your time and hers. I really strongly doubt you will get her to change.

[edfurlong]

Not your problem.

[BOTW]

Email and ask how she's doing, etc.

Next email, say "I like/care about you and if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me."

Best thing you can do for someone with problems is be there for them if/when they decide to ask for help. (If they never do, you can't save them. If they are seeking an 'enabler' you'll see that quickly as well.)

Confrontations are for people close to the problem, not for acquaintances.

Or, get drunk, then call her.

[Jman28]

Contacting her probably won't help, and it may make her mad at you.

I would definitely do it.

Most likely, nothing changes. There's a medium chance you 'lose' an aquaintence. Then there's the small chance you save her life.

[TheCroShow]

unfortunately nothing you can do. i know how you feel, but this is a disease she is well aware of and well aware of the consquences. for some it's about control, and this is the only form of control in her life, she doesn't want to lose the one thing she can (in theory) control.

she has heard it all before by everyone in her life...parents, friends, family, maybe a teacher...co-workers, supervisor, hell even her doctor! nothing you say will be news to her and of course you risk having her freak out at you.

sit by and do nothing buddy

[Jman28]

[ QUOTE ]
unfortunately nothing you can do. i know how you feel, but this is a disease she is well aware of and well aware of the consquences. for some it's about control, and this is the only form of control in her life, she doesn't want to lose the one thing she can (in theory) control.

she has heard it all before by everyone in her life...parents, friends, family, maybe a teacher...co-workers, supervisor, hell even her doctor! nothing you say will be news to her and of course you risk having her freak out at you.

sit by and do nothing buddy

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, she probably knows everything you might tell her. But she might need someone to talk to about it. Maybe nobody has approached the subject in a certain way that makes her want to open up about it.

I have a friend that knew she was bulemic and had actually studied the disease thoroughly, but had not talked to anyone about it. Once she told me about it, she admitted it to many people, and maybe, on another level, to herself. She honestly stopped and has not thrown up in two years now.

If I were you I'd talk to her. It really can't hurt. [censored], I'll talk to her myself. I don't care.

[MelK]

Ask her if you can SIIHP, so you'll have a good story to tell at her funeral reception.

[pearljam]

[ QUOTE ]
Ask her if you can SIIHP, so you'll have a good story to tell at her funeral reception.

[/ QUOTE ]

YSSCKY

[Alobar]

I've dated 2 girls who were bulimic, and had a sister who had an eating disorder. You can maybe relate a little better being gymnist as im sure there is tons of pressure on what you weigh, but for me and I think most males, its just sooo [censored] up, because it just doesnt make any sense. And you feel like just using simple logic and pointing out how stupid it is, should make them stop. The sad fact is, there is prolly nothing you can do, and telling her isnt going to get her to quit. It's a mental illness and until she is ready to quit and gets proffesional help, it isnt going away.

Who knows tho, in some sort of after school special lifetime movie moment, shes about at rock bottom, and then gets email and thats what helps her go get help. I think you should do at least do something, since its obviously important enough that you posted this for the jackals in OOT, and it never hurts to know you have people in this world who care and are concerned for you.

If I were going to do anything tho, I would get her address and write her an actual letter. Its soooo much more powerful than an email or aim convo. It shows more care on your part since you took the time to actually write something, and address an envelope and all that jazz. Its also still not a real life or phone convorsation tho, which will prolly just make her uncomfortable or defensive. A letter can be gone over whenever she wants, and wherever she wants, since it can be taken away from the computer.

[jba]

send her an anonymous email. Tell her exactly what you put here, that you barely know her but that you know what she is doing, and that you have seen first hand the damage that it can do.

[spamuell]

Talk to her about it. She'll brush you off but press on, tell her you're really concerned. Try your hardest to make her realise how serious it is and to make her stop.

A lot of people with eating disorders don't want to have them but don't know what to do about it.

[goofball]

I've been thinking about this. I like, for now, the idea of contacting her anonymously. It seems like a good solution that I don't think is plagued by any of the cons I considered before. I'd like to discuss it further.

1) Familiarity. If she won't know it's me she won't decide if I'm crossing a social barrier or whatever. I still may be but if I am it wouldn't affect her reaction.

2) Similarly even if other people have contacted her, the anonymity would prevent an awkward social situaion for everyone involved.

3) Even if she totally ignores it, it's at worst 0EV

4) Email or snail mail are the perfect mediums for anonymous contact.

There are some downfalls. First, it's easy to just throw away/ignore something written anonymously. It's way easier to ignore an unknown rather than a person waiting for a response. Second, I don't generally like doing things anonymously, I think that in most cases if you have something to important to say you should say it without shame or fear and take credit for it. If we assume I've decided to say something (which I haven't for sure) what are your thoughts on anon vs. not?

[LBJ]

[ QUOTE ]
Ask her if you can SIIHP, so you'll have a good story to tell at her funeral reception.

[/ QUOTE ]

Grow up.

As for the OP, I would try and get closer to her through talking more and even hanging out, and then maybe bring it up. Don't do it now though.

[Jman28]

The main problem with anon contact is that she needs to talk to someone about it. If you approach it the right way, she should maybe want to talk to you about it, which she can't do if she doesn't know who you are. I guess she could return an email to you, but I don't feel like she'll want to talk to an anonymous person about something so personal.

I think if you handle it carefully, and she's a normal person, confronting her shouldn't create an akward situation. But, you know her better than I do.

[DasLeben]

I don't suggest posting this for the OOT night crew. We're all hammered (or were hammered), so you won't get any real answers until tomorrow.

[TheCroShow]

trust me dude, i speak from experience say and do NOTHING, it WILL NOT help. i know it's human nature to want to help and all of that stuff, but there is NOTHING you can say that will help. in most ED (eating disorder) cases, they see the light from an ED survivor. none of us can fully understand what is going on there and it's just bad news. do nothing, that's the best help you can offer.

[dibbs]

Had a girlfriend with this ish and a three pretty close friends as well and it's incredibly hard to deal with. In your situation I'd probably talk to her close friends (if possible) and have them try and talk her into professional help, because even the aid of close friends is often met with incredibly stubborn (not the right word exactly) resistance in my experience. The words of an acquaintance might not have enough impact.

A very difficult situation, best of luck to you and her.

[The Dude]

I like the suggestion of just getting in touch with her, chatting for awhile, then working your way to being able to ask the question. Let her get a little more familiar with her before throwing the question out there, but have in mind ways that you can steer your interaction that direction. I think you're more likely to get somewhere with this approach than the anonymous approach.

And BTW, I think it's great that you feel the desire to contact this girl about this, and I do think that it's worth the effort.

[Jman28]

[ QUOTE ]
I like the suggestion of just getting in touch with her, chatting for awhile, then working your way to being able to ask the question. Let her get a little more familiar with her before throwing the question out there, but have in mind ways that you can steer your interaction that direction. I think you're more likely to get somewhere with this approach than the anonymous approach.

And BTW, I think it's great that you feel the desire to contact this girl about this, and I do think that it's worth the effort.

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree with this entire post. Keep us up to date as to what you decide to do.

[BOTW]

Nope. I hate this idea.

You obviously care, and it is ok to show this. Don't be overbearing with it. Let her know that it is you and that it is you who care. Stop there. It is already awkward as hell. She already knows people know. She knows. She knows or fears you know. Just be there and let her know that you are there. Don't press. Don't shy away from facts. Be the rational in her world of chaos.

[chesspain]

[ QUOTE ]
I've been thinking about this. I like, for now, the idea of contacting her anonymously. It seems like a good solution that I don't think is plagued by any of the cons I considered before. I'd like to discuss it further.

1) Familiarity. If she won't know it's me she won't decide if I'm crossing a social barrier or whatever. I still may be but if I am it wouldn't affect her reaction.

2) Similarly even if other people have contacted her, the anonymity would prevent an awkward social situaion for everyone involved.

3) Even if she totally ignores it, it's at worst 0EV

4) Email or snail mail are the perfect mediums for anonymous contact.

There are some downfalls. First, it's easy to just throw away/ignore something written anonymously. It's way easier to ignore an unknown rather than a person waiting for a response. Second, I don't generally like doing things anonymously, I think that in most cases if you have something to important to say you should say it without shame or fear and take credit for it. If we assume I've decided to say something (which I haven't for sure) what are your thoughts on anon vs. not?

[/ QUOTE ]

I hate to sound mean, but you really have made this issue about you, rather than about her. Indeed, the seeming advantages to your contacting her anonymously appear to be so that you can minimize your own awkwardness either during or after this contact, not to increase the likelihood that she will get better.

In addition, I am a bit confused about why you are so intent on prying into the life of a person who is only an acquaintence? The fact that you have witnessed firsthand the effects of eating disorders doesn't give you:

1) the right to confront this woman
2) the relationship foundation to pry
3) the skills to actually know how to best help her.

I'm sorry if this all sounds harsh, but I know from my professional work that bulemics are extremely secretive about their behaviors, and rather defensive about the self-destructiveness of their actions. Consequently, I don't think that attempting to force a conversation with her about such a personal issue so that you can satisfy your own needs to be a rescuer is going to help her.

[The Dude]

[ QUOTE ]
The fact that you have witnessed firsthand the effects of eating disorders doesn't give you:

1) the right to confront this woman
2) the relationship foundation to pry
3) the skills to actually know how to best help her.


[/ QUOTE ] Caring enough to say something, even (epsecially?) if the person is a relative stranger, is a good thing.

[whiskeytown]

this sounds super great if you can release yourself from the guilt that not saying anything will bring upon yourself if she dies....

I'd have a hard time with that myself - if I try, what happens? - Worst case, I lose a friend - not a very good one - but then at least I can be at peace with myself -

that is, if I were in that spot...

RB

[Jman28]

[ QUOTE ]
The fact that you have witnessed firsthand the effects of eating disorders doesn't give you:

1) the right to confront this woman
2) the relationship foundation to pry
3) the skills to actually know how to best help her.

I'm sorry if this all sounds harsh, but I know from my professional work that bulemics are extremely secretive about their behaviors, and rather defensive about the self-destructiveness of their actions. Consequently, I don't think that attempting to force a conversation with her about such a personal issue so that you can satisfy your own needs to be a rescuer is going to help her.

[/ QUOTE ]

What is your professional work, and how do you think it would be better for him to do nothing?

[chesspain]

[ QUOTE ]
this sounds super great if you can release yourself from the guilt that not saying anything will bring upon yourself if she dies....

I'd have a hard time with that myself - if I try, what happens? - Worst case, I lose a friend - not a very good one - but then at least I can be at peace with myself -

that is, if I were in that spot...

RB

[/ QUOTE ]

Cutting through the melodrama, I'll ask whether you (or the OP) feel compelled to confront acquaintences with serious alcohol or drug problems, who themselves may also be at high risk for premature death. And if you don't, then how "do you release yourself from the guilt that not saying anything will bring upon yourself if she dies?"

I still contend that regardless of how caring the OP may feel, this entire thread is really more about his own feelings of helplessness with respect to rescuing than it is about this acquaintence.

[TheCroShow]

chesspain speaks the truth