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View Full Version : My last post (I promise)


08-30-2005, 08:22 AM
This will be my last post. Actually, I will give one more in 6 months if I am clean. If not, well, then I am either dead or in prison.

First, I want to thank everybody for their help. I truly don't think I would have realized how out of control I was if it wasn't for a lot of your replies and PM's.

A couple of people to be to go to CA, NA, or AA and I was reluctant. It was that first step that was stopping me. But, I realized after talking to one of you that the "higher power" mentioned in step 1 does not have to be God. But, there is a higher power than myself. Whether that be my family, love, compassion, etc...these are all bigger than me. I also had a problem with step 1 because you admit you have no self control. I thought I did. But, the minute I got back from where I am moving to, to tie up loose ends of where I was leaving I was on coke. That is the problem with addiction; the illusion of control. Addicts don't have control. So, I have decided to go to meetings. In fact, a 2+2er where I am moving to had a crack problem and still goes to AA. He has offered to take me with him.

I also learned from another 2+2er that addiction is addiction. We can substitute blow for any of the other addictions. Obviously I will have it easier physically than the smack addict, but we are both the same. I didn't know this until I talked to him.

I also didn't want to go to AA (or any other "A") because I am bipolar II and I didn't think they could help me. But, what, am I stupid? Am I going to be the only one there with this affliction? Of course not. A's job is to teach me not to be an addict.

So, I would like to apologize to anybody that I insulted about AA. I will learn something from it. And it will help. Even if it is like a Mike Caro book that is pretty much useless, there is a nugget or two one can pick up.

I am also going to see my old psychotherapist next week and see if he recommends outpatient or inpatient treatment. He is a great guy and I trust him immensely. Even though I don't like the idea of inpatient, if that is what he recommends, that is what I am going to do. And he won't tell me to do it unless he truly believes it is necessary. Either way I am going to take part in some program.

The second to final step is taking care of the Bipolar II. Another 2+2er insisted that I find a psychiatrist that deals with addiction as well as mood disorders. Because they will understand the most. If I don't get the mania under control, well, I am screwed.

The final step will be volunteer work of some kind. Since, in all 3 of the above situations I am putting myself in I am really only taking, it will also be necessary to give back. And I think this is a two way street. Because I will be giving, but at the same time I will be taking. Because I will know that I am helping others. Which will give me pride and humility.

I am just about to end this, but I wanted to give some history of myself. I am 27 and grew up in the suburbs. I was somewhat emotionally neglected (I am NOT using that as an excuse), a "bad ass" in high school, and for the most part white. But, for the most part I have had a good life comparitively to the rest of the world or U.S. I have had my "demons" and they finally caught up with me a few months ago. But, I have a decision now to keep my "soul".

I know quitting isn't easy. And I am scared. It is like losing your best friend. But, this best friend will kill me or throw me in jail.

It didn't take long for me to admit I was an addict. But, I am. And I ask each of you with any addictive behaviors, to please own up to them and help yourself. I truly wish there was something I could say that would help anybody in a bad situation. But, I have nothing, except for maybe this: You are not the only one that suffers. You are not the only one with pain. You are not the only one.

I will answer PM's, but I will not be replying to this post.

Thanks again for all of your help. I truly don't think I would have learned and realized the things I did w/out you guys.

t.b.

p.s. I did a lot of coke last night and to ripoff a song lyric "I am wide awake its morning".