Funny Lines from movies that aren't comedies

[DougShrapnel]

Ok I'll start

Narrator: Was it ticking?

Airport Security Officer: Actually throwers don't worry about ticking 'cause modern bombs don't tick.

Narrator: Sorry, throwers?

Airport Security Officer: Baggage handlers. But, when a suitcase vibrates, then the throwers gotta call the police.

Narrator: My suitcase was vibrating?

Airport Security Officer: Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor, but every once in a while...
[whispering]
Airport Security Officer: it's a dildo. Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo... always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.

Narrator: I don't own...
[Officer waves Narrator off]

[TheCroShow]

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Go [censored] yaself."

[lucas9000]

[ QUOTE ]
[Officer waves Narrator off]

[/ QUOTE ]

the way he does that is awesome...comic genius.

[MikeNaked]

Saw Donnie Darko last night...great flick

"Sometimes I doubt your committment to SparkleMotion!"

"My friend eats too much!" "Shut up, Heather!"

"Good [censored], eh?" "Dude, it's a [censored] cigarette!"


Heeeeee....

[imported_The Vibesman]

"48 Hours" was sort of a comedy, but the end always cracks me up even tho it's unintentional. After Nick Nolte shoots James Remar, he looks up from the ground and says, "I don't believe it. I GOT SHOT!"
Nolte: "You're done, game over."

Remar: holds his gun above his head and runs at Nolte instead of just firing at him - "AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!"

Always kills me. "I don't believe it. I GOT SHOT!"

[meleader2]

endless quotes from this movie, even though it's a satire (not really a comedy):

"Get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your ass"

"Varda truffle? I don't want you to get drunk, but uh, that's a very fine chardonnay you're not drinking"

"I'm into, oh geez, Murders and Executions mostly.
Do you like it?
Well that depends. Why?
Most guys I know...who are into Mergers and Acquisitions...really don't like it."

"I see they've omitted the pork loin with lime jello."

"Mistletoe alert"

[private joker]

You're going to have to convince me Fight Club is not a comedy.

[M2d]

Sully, remember when I told you I'd kill you last?...I lied

[imported_The Vibesman]

I think almost every line from Commando could go under this topic, actually...

[-Skeme-]

Beautiful Girls:

Paul: Don't cap on my supermodels.
Willie: I'm just saying it's creepy, that's all.
Paul: Look who's talking, mister Jerry Lee Lewis!

[M2d]

I was debating between this one and the "I let him go" exchange between the governator and tommy chong's daughter.

[TheIrishThug]

[ QUOTE ]
You're going to have to convince me Fight Club is not a comedy.

[/ QUOTE ]

fight club is not a comedy and neither is any of palahniuk's books r comedies. it's just that his style talks about these obsurd situations so plainly and in depth that it is humorus.

[Phill S]

"Hes making a womans dress; out of real women"

Phill

http://www.moodhacker.com/dumb2354896475.jpg

[A_C_Slater]

End of Days with Arnold Schwarznegger, villian is hanging off the edge of a speeding bus or something.


Villian: I'm not afraid to die, man!

Ahnold (Austrian accent): Good, cause I'm not afraid to kill you

[Hal 2000]

"Now ya's can't leave."- A Bronx Tale

[TheCroShow]

"Hey porky pig, I hope you get molested!" another gem from donnie darko.

[offTopic]

Leave the gun.
Take the cannolis.

[coolhandkuhn]

[ QUOTE ]
endless quotes from this movie, even though it's a satire (not really a comedy):

"Get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your ass"

"Varda truffle? I don't want you to get drunk, but uh, that's a very fine chardonnay you're not drinking"

"I'm into, oh geez, Murders and Executions mostly.
Do you like it?
Well that depends. Why?
Most guys I know...who are into Mergers and Acquisitions...really don't like it."

"I see they've omitted the pork loin with lime jello."

"Mistletoe alert"

[/ QUOTE ]



reading that (and the 2000 other deadpan one-liners) is so much better than the movie. Do yourself a favor and read the book if you haven't. End shameless Bret Easton Ellis plug.

[lucas9000]

[ QUOTE ]
"Now ya's can't leave."- A Bronx Tale

[/ QUOTE ]

funny? no way...that was badass.

[LoaferGee12]

Shark Attack 3: Megallodon.
Gotta set it up first: Movie is going along normal (although highly cheesy). This guy and girl met a bit ago and are getting along pretty well. (This movie is NOT a porno either)

Then the guy pulls out the smoothest pickup line ever:

"I'm tired, but I'm really wired .. what do you say I come over and eat out your pussy?"

Cut to softcore porn scene

[Turkish]

"Would you give it a rest??"
"I'm making.....a birdhouse"

[bugstud]

everything from the fifth element

[morgan180]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR JESUS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

[jkkkk]

The god awful film that is 'ThE deViLs ReJecTs' has one moment of ingenuous comedy;




'Now ya'll ain't planning on [censored]' these chickens are ya?'

'What the [censored] are you getting at? Do you [censored] chickens? '

'Well, I thought about [censored]' some chickens before… If you want a good time and you need some pussy… You just cut that chicken's head off, stick your dick in the ass of that chicken, and that damn chicken'll go crazy on your ass and go "Waaaaah".'

'You're saying I would cut off a chicken's head… Stick my dick in it… [censored] it.. .And go "Aah"? You accuse me of [censored] a chicken, motherfucker?'

'I'm not callin' you a chicken fucker but… that boy over there looks sexually frustrated, and I don't approve, of chicken [censored].'

[jacki]

From Leaving Las Vegas (definitely not a comedy)

Ben Sanderson: Look at me... I'm a prickly pear!

[technologic]

rounders

grama: i consolidated your outstanding debt.

worm: where'd you get the scratch for that? you've been rolling fags in the village again haven't you.

[RRRRICK]

'Ah... so what you gonna tell us, tough guy?'. I said 'my usual, zero, nothing! Why tell you? What da [censored]!'. He said 'no, you gonna tell me something today, tough guy'. I said 'all right, I'll tell ya something: go [censored] your mother!'.

'What you wanna tell me now, tough guy?'. I said 'ming! What you doin' here? I thought I told ya to go [censored] your mother!' Ha-ha-ha!!!... I thought he was gonna [censored]!



"...you wanna laugh...last week this prick asked me to christen his kid...yeah...eight
grand I charge."

[Talk2BigSteve]

"Are you winking at me?"

"No, sir."

"Are you eye-[censored] me?"

"Negative, sir."

"You want to [censored] your drill instructor? You want to smoke is pole?"

"No, sir!"

"If I catch you winking at ms again, I'm going to gouge your eyes out and skullfuck you!"

"Yes, sir!"


Big Steve /images/graemlins/cool.gif

[meleader2]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
endless quotes from this movie, even though it's a satire (not really a comedy):

"Get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your ass"

"Varda truffle? I don't want you to get drunk, but uh, that's a very fine chardonnay you're not drinking"

"I'm into, oh geez, Murders and Executions mostly.
Do you like it?
Well that depends. Why?
Most guys I know...who are into Mergers and Acquisitions...really don't like it."

"I see they've omitted the pork loin with lime jello."

"Mistletoe alert"

[/ QUOTE ]



reading that (and the 2000 other deadpan one-liners) is so much better than the movie. Do yourself a favor and read the book if you haven't. End shameless Bret Easton Ellis plug.

[/ QUOTE ]

i already read the book.
twice.
i've read all his works (including his new one a week ago Lunar Park that just came out) except for the informers. trying to appeal to the masses and you always get a screwball.

here you go:

"Hip," I murmur, remembering last night, how I lost it completely in a stall at Nell's--my mouth foaming, all I could think about were insects, lots of insects, and running at pigeons, foaming at the mouth and running at pigeons.

[UseThePeenEnd]

[ QUOTE ]
Leave the gun.
Take the cannolis.

[/ QUOTE ]

nh Sir.

[UseThePeenEnd]

Dr. Lechter: "Best thing for him, really; his career was going nowhere".

[Dave G.]

Arnie: "You know how I said I'd kill you last?"
Some guy: "Yeah, yeah that's right Matrix, you did!"
Arnie: "I lied."

Well, maybe that's more just damn cool than funny, but I crack up every time I hear it.

Another one: Wesley Snipes in Passenger 57 as he's talking to the head terrorist dude: "Always bet on black." Now this is supposed to be some kind of "tough guy" line, that all the movie tough guys have... like Bruce Willis has "yippie kiyay [censored]" and so forth, but this line is just so horrendously bad I cringed for everyone who had to hear it. At the same time though, I burst out laughing when I heard it. What a weak ass one-liner.

[MrMon]

"You're going to need a bigger boat."

[DVC Calif]

Vincent: Want some bacon?

Jules: No man, I don't eat pork.

Vincent: Are you Jewish?

Jules: Nah, I ain't Jewish, I just don't dig on swine, that's all.

Vincent: Why not?

Jules: Pigs are filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals.

Vincent: Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood.

Jules: Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in [censored]. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense enough to disregard its own feces.

Vincent: How about a dog? Dogs eats its own feces.

Jules: I don't eat dog either.

Vincent: Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?

Jules: I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but they're definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way.

Vincent: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?

Jules: Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charmin' motherfuckin' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?

-Pulp Fiction

[swede123]

Nice. You could pretty much put any line from this movie into this thread.

Swede

[BiffMan]

Field of Dreams:

"What are you doing with that?"

"I'm going to beat you with a crowbar until you go away"

[2planka]

Bond: Who are you

PG: I'm Pussy Galore

Bond: I must be dreaming.

[Tyler Durden]

[ QUOTE ]
endless quotes from this movie, even though it's a satire (not really a comedy):

"Get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your ass"

"Varda truffle? I don't want you to get drunk, but uh, that's a very fine chardonnay you're not drinking"

"I'm into, oh geez, Murders and Executions mostly.
Do you like it?
Well that depends. Why?
Most guys I know...who are into Mergers and Acquisitions...really don't like it."

"I see they've omitted the pork loin with lime jello."

"Mistletoe alert"

[/ QUOTE ]

Feed me a stray cat.

"What happened to your face?"

"She crossed her legs too fast."

He ad-libbed that snappy comeback.

[irishpint]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">En respuesta a:</font><hr />
Vincent: Want some bacon?

Jules: No man, I don't eat pork.

Vincent: Are you Jewish?

Jules: Nah, I ain't Jewish, I just don't dig on swine, that's all.

Vincent: Why not?

Jules: Pigs are filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals.

Vincent: Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood.

Jules: Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in [censored]. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense enough to disregard its own feces.

Vincent: How about a dog? Dogs eats its own feces.

Jules: I don't eat dog either.

Vincent: Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?

Jules: I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but they're definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way.

Vincent: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?

Jules: Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charmin' motherfuckin' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?

-Pulp Fiction

[/ QUOTE ]

love it.

[Brainwalter]

[ QUOTE ]
"What happened to your face?"

"She crossed her legs too fast."

He ad-libbed that snappy comeback.

[/ QUOTE ]

Tone down what, mother-fucker!

[Turkish]

Jules: Mmmm! Goddamn, Jimmie! This is some serious gourmet [censored]! Usually, me and Vince would be happy with some freeze-dried Taster's Choice, but he springs this serious GOURMET [censored] on us! What flavor is this?
Jimmie: Knock it off, Jules.
Jules: [pause] What?
Jimmie: I don't need you to tell me how [censored] good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys [censored]. Me, I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I wanjt to taste it. But you know what's on my mind right now? It AIN'T the coffee in my kitchen, it's the dead nigger in my garage.
Jules: Oh, Jimmie, don't even worry about that...
Jimmie: No, let me ask you a question. When you came pulling in here, did you see a sign out in front of my house that said Dead Nigger Storage?
Jules: Jimmie, you know I ain't seen no...
Jimmie: Did you see a sign out in front of my house that said Dead Nigger Storage?
Jules: [pause] No. I didn't.
Jimmie: You know WHY you didn't see that sign?
Jules: Why?
Jimmie: 'Cause it ain't there, 'cause storing dead niggers ain't my [censored] business, that's why!

[colgin]

Pulp Fiction is a comedy in my book and certainly in the context of this thread.