HELP! OT: Parenting advice during a separation

[SuitedSixes]

Quick backstory: I quit working, began playing poker professionally for all reasons fatherhood-related. I wasn't spending enough time with my daughter, my health was bad, and I didn't think my wife was being a good mother.

This was 5 months ago. In that time I have been the primary caregiver for my daughter 6 days a week. My wife has just led her own life being neither a mother (except for Sunday afternoons) nor wife.

My daughter has been on vacation with her mom for the last two weeks and returned Wednesday. Tonight as I was showing my 3-year-old my new house she told me, "I don't love Mommy. I want to stay with you." This was unprompted. I sat her down and explained to her that this was wrong to say and that she should love us both and explained how lucky she was to be getting two new houses. She said, "I don't want both. I want you." My wife called me on my cell phone and wanted to talk to my daughter, I put her on speakerphone and my daughter covered her ears and refused to talk.

My wife is obviously upset by this, and it is not the way I want my daughter feeling about her mother. My gut reaction is to let her spend more time with my wife so they can re-connect (or my wife can just realize she doesn't want to be a mother), but I don't want my daughter to feel abandoned by me nor do I want to damage the great relationship I have with her. Any advice or resources on how to handle the next few months.

P.S.
I realize a poker forum is the wrong place to be seeking advice, but I could use something just to begin thinking about how to handle this.

[The Yugoslavian]

Maybe this can be a wakeup call for M and she'll plan to spend more consistent time with K while also like, honoring the time she promises to spend with her.

Do you know what happened in Mexico? Did any of that have to do with this?

Also, I have no kids...but like, don't they say things one day but not *really* mean them and are different the next day/week?

Yugoslav

[Pepsquad]

Difficult situation. One that I think you've handled quite well up to this point. The worst thing you could have done was get into a "Mommy bashing" party with her and I'm sure that's something you already realize. The thing to keep in mind is that this is such a terribly confusing time for your daughter. I'm sure she has a lot of anxiety about where she fits in to this new living arrangement and how it will affect her relationships with both mom and dad. She probably feels compelled to "pick a team" right now and she's chosen you. Is your daughter old enough to verbalize the BEHAVIORS by mom that make her sad right now? My plan would be to sit down with her soon and start a conversation like this..."Honey, the other day you told me that you didn't love mommy any more and that made me really sad. Can you tell me what mommy did or said that made you feel that way?" If you can get that information, then you'll be able to sit down and talk with your ex about specific things she needs to change, rather than just some general discussion about her needing to be a better mom (which would be futile I'm sure). If your daughter is too young for that dicussion, you may need to involve a professional for play therapy. If mom has alcohol/drug or mental health issues she's dealing with you'll need to involve a professional. If mom is unwilling to change her behavior and will not provide the affection and attention your daughter needs from her you will need to involve a professional. Ultimately, you can't control mom or the relationship she has with your daughter as she gets older. Just continue to serve as the emotional constant in your daughter's life. The crazier things are at mom's, the more important it is for your daughter to get unconditional love and affection at your house as well as extremely consistant discipline for negative behaviors. Good luck with it.

[SuitedSixes]

Pep-
Thank you SO much, this was just what I needed.

[Pepsquad]

No problem man. Hang in there.

[lacky]

well, I dont want to be alarming, but I have 2 kids with a former who was never much of a mom, and is in prison now, so I,ve been through the whole range.

1) always let your kid know it's ok to feel however she feels. You should reasure her that her mom loves her and that she (your daughter) is a wonderful, specail girl, but you HAVE to make sure she knows she can tell you how she feels and anything else and get a positive reaction from you, because....

2) thats a reasonably odd reaction from a 3 yo towards her mom, be very carefull and observent to make sure that nothing is going on that shouldn't.

If you keep things really open between you, she will most likely tell you if there is, but if daddy gets upset anytime she says something bad about mommy, she might not.

Steve

[SuitedSixes]

[ QUOTE ]

1) always let your kid know it's ok to feel however she feels. You should reasure her that her mom loves her and that she (your daughter) is a wonderful, specail girl, but you HAVE to make sure she knows she can tell you how she feels and anything else and get a positive reaction from you, because....

2) thats a reasonably odd reaction from a 3 yo towards her mom, be very carefull and observent to make sure that nothing is going on that shouldn't.

If you keep things really open between you, she will most likely tell you if there is, but if daddy gets upset anytime she says something bad about mommy, she might not.

Steve

[/ QUOTE ]

Wow. Thanks. That is solid advice. What's even more impressed this is that you typed this while winning a seat to Aruba.

[Jman28]

First of all, best of luck with all of this.

I think the situation may not be a huge problem.

When my younger brother was 3, for a period of about 3 months, he would cry every night when our dad got home from work. He just didn't like him. We still have no idea why.

It sounds like your daughter is noticing something a little more real. She probably doesn't mean what she says, and probably doesn't exactly know what it means. She actually may mean that she doesn't feel loved by her mom, which, while I'm sure she is, would make sense giving the description you gave.

Little kids in general (besides weird episodes like my brother's) love and admire (immensely) the older people who give them attention and play with them, so it wouldn't be hard for your wife to win back your daughter's 'love' if she really wanted to. It would just take a little while (maybe a month).

As long as your wife isn't neglectful, you can't/shouldn't keep them apart, although it doesn't sound like that is your plan. Allowing them to spend more time together will not matter at all if your wife's attitude won't change. If she decides she wants to be a good mother, the extra time may help speed up their re-connection, but isn't neccesary for it.

It sounds like you have a mature, thinking, adorable (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=3191120&Main=2888080#Post 3191120), 3 year old daughter who loves you very much, and notices what's going on around her. Not that a terrible situation.

As for your daughter, it would probably be best for her to have two loving parents in her life. If that's possible, awesome.

If not, it sounds like she has a father who loves her enough to rework his career around her, and is extremely worried about her well being. I would say she is much better off than the average kid.

Good luck. Keep us up to date, if it's not too personal.

[lacky]

nah, won it, I'm just sitting here grinning alot wasting time now /images/graemlins/cool.gif

seriously though, been there, done that for years. was seperated when mine were 1.5 and 3, and they are 13 and 14 now. Mine finally got to the point I got sole legal and physical custody last year (near impossible in case u don't know) If ya need more pm me and I'll give ya my phone #.

Steve

[SuitedSixes]

Thanks. For a bunch of degenerate poker players you guys are all alright. This is exactly what I anticipated would happen when I posted this.

[psyduck]

Don't know you personally, but would like to wish you good luck with your cute-as-a-button daughter /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[bernie]

I didn't pass the test. I couldn't get past the avatar to read your post.

God DAMN she can shake that thang!

b

[SuitedSixes]

She said it again this morning, but this time directly to my wife. My wife actually handled it very well. She sat down with her and said, "That's OK, but I love you." I think for some reason she feels like she needs to choose so we are just trying to let her know that she doesn't.