post a joke

[gorie]

how does the butcher introduce his wife ?



















meat patty.



omg haha. rolf.

ok your turn!.

[durron597]

it's like a puzzle with pants

[gorie]

[ QUOTE ]
it's like a puzzle with pants

[/ QUOTE ]

why ? BECAUSE PANTS ARE LIKE A RIVER !! !

AHAHAHAHHA.

i love that one too.

Oops
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm very sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours!"

[Hal 2000]

Why do farts smell?


So deaf people can enjoy them too.

[TheWorstPlayer]

What do old people smell like?




















Depends.

[Rev. Good Will]

NSFW joke by Cartman (http://www.cartmanthearistocrat.com/)

[Johnny Richter]

What do you call a fish without an eye?



fsh.

[Sooga]

Why did the Mexican guy throw his wife off a cliff?
























Tequila

[Matt Williams]

Little Johnny is in English Class.
The teacher says "Can anyone here use the word indefinately in a sentence?"
Little Suzie raises her hand and the teacher calls on her. Little Suzie says "My family vacation was put on hold indefinately when my dad lost his job at the factory."
The teacher tells her that she is sorry to hear about her dad but that the sentence was very good.
At this point little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher calls on him.
Little Johnny says "When I heard my balls slapping against Suzies' ass; I knew that I was in, definately!"

[JaBlue]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idear

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
still no idear

what do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no dick?
still no [censored]' idear

[DasLeben]

What does a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

Someone's gonna lose themselves a trailer.

[Lawrence Ng]

[ QUOTE ]
how does the butcher introduce his wife ?



















meat patty.



omg haha. rolf.

ok your turn!.

[/ QUOTE ]

Meh..

Lawrence

[Boris]

for real, are you a boy or a girl?

[Asufiji2004]

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his
>>>mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and
>>>wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look, I'm a white
>>>boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go
>>>show your father".
>>>
>>>He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look
>>>dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the
>>>face and says "Go show your grandmother."
>>>
>>>The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says
>>>"Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy" His grandmother
>>>slaps him in the face and sends him back to his
>>>mother.
>>>
>>>His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from
>>>that?"
>>>
>>>To which the boy replies, "Sure did. I have only
>>>been white for five minutes and I already hate you
>>>Mexicans."

[TheWorstPlayer]

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?















Neil Armstrong WALKED on the MOON...






















and Michael Jackson raped little boys.

[meep_42]

Why don't Mexicans ever sneak up on anyone?

Because <font color="white">you can hear a lawn mower a mile away</font>.

-d

[smokingrobot]

These two guys are at the bar when the one reaches and pulls out a cigarette. His buddy quickly pulls out a 10 inch lighter and lights his cigarette for him.

"Where the hell did you get that thing?" The firend asks rather shocked.

"Oh my genie gave it to me," the first replies matter of factly.

"Your genie? Wtf?"

"Yah, i found him while cleaning out my attic. He'll grant you a wish if you want"

So the one friend nods and the other guy conjures up the genie.

The genie appears and says he'll grant the friend one wish and only one wish.

"I want a MILLION BUCKS!"

*POOF*

All of the sudden the bar is filled with a million ducks. They're quacking and [censored] 'ing all over the place.

The guy who wished for the money starts screaming and hollering, "I said a million bucks! What kind of genie is this?"

And the other friend goes, "you think i asked for a 10 inch bic?"

[gorie]

what sound does it make when a truck load of vinegar and a truck load of water collide on the highway ?








DOOOOSH!

[offTopic]

I don't mean to be results-oriented in my analysis, but maybe a better thread title would have been "post a funny joke".

[STLantny]

Do you know what that joke is from? Well not from, but its a famous joke, thats not really a joke. The whole point is the middle of the story, ie there is no real punch line. There is a dvd out there with a ton of famous comics doing this joke. Google the aristocrats for more answers.

This is in response to teh Carment nsfw joke.

[durron597]

[ QUOTE ]
for real, are you a boy or a girl?

[/ QUOTE ]

Doesn't this thread make it obvious?

[DasLeben]

[ QUOTE ]
I don't mean to be results-oriented in my analysis, but maybe a better thread title would have been "post a funny joke".

[/ QUOTE ]

So you post one. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[gorie]

[ QUOTE ]
I don't mean to be results-oriented in my analysis, but maybe a better thread title would have been "post a funny joke".

[/ QUOTE ]

no. i like my topic. some of the best jokes are the ones that aren't even funny.

Shortly after her wedding, the newlywed wife is complaining to her mother about her husband's insatiable sexual appetite.

"He wants to do it 15 times a day, anytime, anyplace, anywhere -- on the table, on the stairs, on the sofa, in the car, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening. I can barely walk anymore!"

The mother advises her daughter to tell him that she has her period, which seems like a good idea.

So that evening, when the husband comes home from work, he proceeds to undress himself and his wife, when she stops him.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but it's that time of the month."

The husband gets up, looks at his wife, and says, "It's all good honey. I understand." He puts on a robe and walks away.

The wife is somewhat surprised at the mature reaction of her husband, until a few minutes later he returns holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne.

So she asks, "What's going on, dear?"

"We're celebrating!" he replies.

"Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?" she asks.

"Anal sex week."

[touchfaith]

http://img212.imageshack.us/img212/1175/quit6xs.jpg




http://img291.imageshack.us/img291/2586/lame7sl.jpg

[mslif]

What is the definition of ultimate rejection?








Your hand falling asleep while masturbating.

[chuddo]

"what is E.T short for?
.
.
.
because of his little legs."

-ricky gervais from 'extras' when prompted to tell someone a joke.

[durron597]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I don't mean to be results-oriented in my analysis, but maybe a better thread title would have been "post a funny joke".

[/ QUOTE ]

no. i like my topic. some of the best jokes are the ones that aren't even funny.

[/ QUOTE ]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Results in white below:
<font color="white">To get to the other side.





What, you were expecting some funny reply?</font>

[touchfaith]

[ QUOTE ]
What is the definition of ultimate rejection?








Your hand falling asleep while masturbating.

[/ QUOTE ]

I thought I could trust you!?!?! /images/graemlins/smirk.gif

[gorie]

[ QUOTE ]
for real, are you a boy or a girl?

[/ QUOTE ]
funny.!!

[shant]

Two penguins are taking a bath together.

The first penguin turns to the other and politely says, "Would you please pass the soap?"

The second penguin says, "HOLY SH!T A TALKING PENGUIN"

[Boris]

no, no you don't get it. I'm being serious, not making funny.

[gorie]

[ QUOTE ]
no, no you don't get it. I'm being serious, not making funny.

[/ QUOTE ]
omghahahha /images/graemlins/smile.gif /images/graemlins/smile.gif /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[Boris]

A child molester, a rapist and a priest walk in to a bar....











And then another guy walks in the bar.

[The Yugoslavian]

[ QUOTE ]
it's like a puzzle with pants

[/ QUOTE ]

Damnit Durron...we went over this!

He says 'pans' while he was supposed to say 'hands.' Although for some dumb reason everyone thinks he says 'pants.'

Joke:

There was a big moron and a little moron walking across a bridge. Who do you think fell off the bridge first?

The big moron fell of first, of course, b/c the little moron was a little more on the bridge!!!

Bwahahahahahah, rolf, lmfao, pwn3d, ship it, holla, batch, 3u0, wtf, brb, afk, etc....

Yugoslav

[gumpzilla]

I think you should stick to physics jokes. Give OOT what it wants . . . nay, NEEDS.

P.S. I think your joke works much better if instead of "another guy," you use "a second guy" instead.

[ QUOTE ]
These two guys are at the bar when the one reaches and pulls out a cigarette. His buddy quickly pulls out a 10 inch lighter and lights his cigarette for him.

"Where the hell did you get that thing?" The firend asks rather shocked.

"Oh my genie gave it to me," the first replies matter of factly.

"Your genie? Wtf?"

"Yah, i found him while cleaning out my attic. He'll grant you a wish if you want"

So the one friend nods and the other guy conjures up the genie.

The genie appears and says he'll grant the friend one wish and only one wish.

"I want a MILLION BUCKS!"

*POOF*

All of the sudden the bar is filled with a million ducks. They're quacking and [censored] 'ing all over the place.

The guy who wished for the money starts screaming and hollering, "I said a million bucks! What kind of genie is this?"

Oh, i forgot to tell you the Genie is hard of hearing

, "you think i asked for a 10 inch bic?"

[/ QUOTE ]

FYP

Many

no. i like my topic. some of the best jokes are the ones that aren't even funny.

[/ QUOTE ]

This can't be true

Many

[TheCroShow]

What happens when you give a lawyer viagra?

He grows taller

[gorie]

so this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender OUCH!

[lucas9000]

[ QUOTE ]
some of the best jokes are the ones that aren't even funny.

[/ QUOTE ]

this is true.

[RunDownHouse]

In the Michael Jackson joke vein,

What did Princess Diana turn into at midnight?














A wall.

[Hal 2000]

[ QUOTE ]
so this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender OUCH!

[/ QUOTE ]

And don't forget his brother.....

Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks.

[Rev. Good Will]

[ QUOTE ]
Do you know what that joke is from? Well not from, but its a famous joke, thats not really a joke. The whole point is the middle of the story, ie there is no real punch line. There is a dvd out there with a ton of famous comics doing this joke. Google the aristocrats for more answers.

This is in response to teh Carment nsfw joke.

[/ QUOTE ]

I know, the movie is still in thearters

EDIT - opps, wasn't the first to do south park version (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showthreaded.php?Cat=&amp;Number=2867138&amp;page=6&amp;view=c ollapsed&amp;sb=5&amp;o=14&amp;fpart=1)

[Boris]

dude i can't tell a joke to save my friggin life.

[chuddo]

my sister's favorite stupid joke:

A mushroom walks into a bar and says: "I'll take a beer please"

Bartender: "No can do."

Mushroom: "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

[cdxx]

ask and ye shall receive :

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First, they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologists: "They have reproduced".
The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

[Slacker13]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry hun; I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[Rev. Good Will]

That sounds like 2 different jokes I've heard before

1 - a mouse and an elephant are sitting in a bathtub. the elephant asks the mouse "can you please pass the soap?". The mouse responds "no soap, RADIO!"

2 - Two muffins are sitting in an oven, and then the first muffin says: "Damn, its pretty freakin hot in here". The second muffin says: "HOLY [censored]! A TALKING MUFFIN

[durron597]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
it's like a puzzle with pants

[/ QUOTE ]

Damnit Durron...we went over this!

He says 'pans' while he was supposed to say 'hands.' Although for some dumb reason everyone thinks he says 'pants.'


[/ QUOTE ]

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAhaahahhahahahahahah I win /images/graemlins/smile.gif

Ship it.

[The Goober]

Superman is flying around one day, and he's horny as [censored]. He flies by a mountside and low and behold, there's wonder woman, lying on her back, buck naked and spread-eagle. Now, he knows that wonder woman doesn't like him, but he wants to get some anyways.

He figures, "hey, I'm superman. I can fly down there, [censored] her, and fly away in the blink of an eye. She'll never know what happened." So he does.

Afterwards, wonder woman says "What just happened?"

"I dunno," says the invisible man, "but my butt hurts!"

[TripleH68]

One day an Indian boy says 'father, why my brother named Hunting Bear?'

His father replies 'on the day your brother was born I walk out of teepee and first thing I see is a grizzly pulling salmon from the stream. So we name the boy Hunting Bear.'

'Then why my sister named Soaring Eagle?'

'On the day your sister was born I walk out of teepee and see a majestic eagle flying across the sky at sunrise.
So we name the girl Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask Two Dogs [censored] ing?'

[thatpfunk]

What do bricks and fat white chicks have in common?




Eventually they'll all get laid by a mexican.

[BillNye]

dead was a good poster

[WEASEL45]

how do you starve a black guy













hide his food stamps under his work boots

Stan: Eat your peas, Hayley.

Hayley: I don't want to!

Stan: You have to if you want to be strong enough to fight off President Clinton's sexual advances.

[johnc]

What did the fish say when it hit a wall?










Dam!

Guy's sittng on th couch watching the game and drinking beer and his wife comes in and asks him could he please fix the car because it's making a funny sound. The husband replys "Who the hell do you think I am, Mr. Goodwrench?".

A little later she comes in and asks "Could you please have a look at the washing machine?". He replies :"Who the hell do you think I am, The Maytag Repair Man?"

Well a couple of days pass and the wife mentions to her husband that she got the car and the washing machine fixed. He askes her how is that possible? She says that the guy next door said he would fix both if she had sex with him or baked him a cake. The husband says "well...so...what did you do?" She says "Who the hell do you think I am Betty Croker?"

[joeski19]

A penguin is driving down the road when his car starts making funny sounds. He pulls into a auto mechanics shop and ask the mechanic if he will take a look at it. "Sure thing" the mechanic says "come back in ten minutes" So the penguin goes across the street to get a vanilla ice cream. He's fumbling around with the ice cream with his little penguin hands, and get's it all over his chest and face. A few minutes later he walks back over the the auto shop, and the mechanic waves him over.

"Looks like you blew a seal" says the Mechanic
"No" says the penguin "That's just ice cream."

[Boris]

pathetic. plz leave. forever.

[JustSomeJackass]

Three kindergarten students (Tommy, Sally, and Tyrone) came in from recess for snack time. The teacher said that if each student could answer her questions, they could have a cookie.

First she asked Tommy: "What did you do for recess?"

Tommy: I played in the sandbox

Teacher: Good, if you can spell "sand", you can have a cookie.

Tommy: S-A-N-D

Teacher: Great..now, Sally what did you do for recess?

Sally: I played in the sandbox with Tommy

Teacher: Well, if you can spell "box", you can have a cookie.

Sally: B-O-X

Teacher: Very good...now Tyrone, what did you do for recess?

Tyrone: Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Tommy and Sally wouldn't let me.

Teacher: Awww, that's too bad. It sounds like you just experienced blatant racial discrimination. Now if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination".......

[Matt Flynn]

An old family doc once taught me the best way to handle a patient trying to pass out on you during a procedure is to tell really bad jokes. Great advice. So far the most effective has been:



What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of the turtle?










Wheeeeeeee!!!

This thread needs more dead-baby jokes.

What's the difference between a dumptruck full of bowling balls, and a dumptruck full of dead babies?
<font color="white"> </font> You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork!

[Soul Daddy]

This couple had an excellent relationship going until one day he came home from work to find his girlfriend packing. He asked her why she was leaving him and she told him that she had heard awful things about him.

"What could they possibly have said to make you move out?"

"They told me that you were a pedophile."

He replied, "That's an awfully big word for a ten year old."

[Sponger15SB]

How did Stevie Wonder pierce his ear?















He answered the stapler.

[Eurotrash]

two guys walk into a bar...












the third one ducks.

[Rogue5]

ok, some of these are damn funny, and I'm a bad person already so I might as well tell a few. I didn't think these up, nor do I normally tell them in public...


what's the best part about having sex with twentyone year olds?

There's twenty of them.



How do you fit a million Jewish people in a Jetta?

two in the front, two in the back and the rest in the ashtray


a guy walks up to a group of people at a Holocaust memorial, he says "wow, I'm really thankful for this place and you people who are honoring those people killed in the holocaust. you know, my grandfather died in a concentration camp.
yeah, he fell off a guard tower"

[battschr]

[ QUOTE ]
What does a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

Someone's gonna lose themselves a trailer.

[/ QUOTE ]
I heard a version of this joke...What do a woman and a tornado have in common?

They both scream when they're coming, and take the house when they leave.

[DukeSucks]

[ QUOTE ]
how does the butcher introduce his wife ?


meat patty.

[/ QUOTE ]

Kind of reminds me of this one:
What do you call the the Irish woman living on your back porch?

Patty O'Furniture

[ddubois]

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he falls into a very large hole. The hole is so large that try as he might, the elephant is unable to climb out. Desparate, he shouts for help. Luckily, a mouse passing by stops and says, "Hang around, I'll get something to drag you out with" and leaves. A little while later the mouse returns driving a red Ferrari with a rope tied to the bumper bar, and he drags the elephant out of the hole. The elephant thanks him greatly and they part ways.

A few days later, the mouse is strolling through the jungle when all of a sudden, he falls into a hole. He cries for help, and how lucky -- the same elephant he helped earlier is within earshot! The elephant greets him, and immediately stands by the hole, squatting over it, lowers his large elephant penis so the mouse can grab it and lift himself out of the hole. The mouse thanks him greatly, and they part as good friends, forever.

The moral of this story? If you have a big dick, you don't need a red Ferrari.

[TheWorstPlayer]

[ QUOTE ]
This thread needs more dead-baby jokes.

[/ QUOTE ]
What do you get when you saw a baby in half?














An erection.

[meep_42]

3 Economists go duck hunting. The flush out 1 duck from the brush and the first one shoots and misses high.

The second one shoots and misses low.

The third one says, "I got it."

-d

[fnord_too]

A physicist, and engineer, and a mathemetician are each left in a separate room over night with a can of beans, a stove, a pot, but no can opener. The next morning their host came to see how they fared.

The physicist had heated the can and let the pressure open the can.

The engineer determined the structural integrity of the can was low and beat it opened with the pot.

The mathemetician was hungry and frazzled and just kept franticly repeating:
"Assume the can is open. Assume the can is open!"





An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel. First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.

Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.

The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and goes back to sleep.

[Talk2BigSteve]

A nun walks into a confessional and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned I have touched Father Francis' penis" The priest says "say 100 hail mary's and wash your hands in the holy water."

A few minutes later a second nun enters the cofessional with the same prayer. She is told the same thing.

So about10 minutes later both nuns are at the fountain of Holy Water and washing their hands and saying their Hail Mary's when the Mother Superior comes running up and yells "Get out of my way girls I have to gargle!"

Big Steve /images/graemlins/cool.gif

[Reef]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally gathered up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"









"I kicked her in the face."

[STLantny]

A great, out of work, piano player is walking down the street and sees a sign at a bar: Wanted: piano player.
So he goes in and talks to the owner about a job.
The owner asks to hear a song, the piano player proceeds to play the best piece of music the bar owner has ever heard, he even sheds a tear. He asks the piano player what is it called, the piano player replies: I call it, "I [censored] your sister in the ass, then I stuck my dik in her mouth". The bar owner is taken back. And asks to hear another song while he figures out if he wants to hire him. The pianist plays another great song, the bar owner asks what he titled this one, the piano player says, I love to eat out nuns, and then dump on their chest. The bar owner is still confused, but tells the pianist he can have the job, as long as he tones down the name of his songs a little. The pianist replies, will do.
A couple of months go by, and the business has tripled due to hte pianist, and things are going well. During the middle of a busy night, the piano player announces he is on a 5 minute set break and goes to take a leak. After he is done he walks out of the bathroom after he forgets to zip up, a man comes up to him and says:

Hey bud, do you know your flies open and your 10 inch dick is hanging out of your pants?

The piano player replies:








KNOW IT? I WROTE IT!!!

[jdl22]

Little Johnny is in class during an English lesson. His teacher asks, "can anyone use the word urinate in a sentence?" Johnny raises his hand and when called on says "urinate but you'd be a ten if you bigger tits and a nicer ass."

[smb394]

How do you know the Pollocks are in Atlantic City?






They're out playing the parking meters.

[djj6835]

Three guys are lost in a jungle and run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief tells the three guys that he will let them live if they do what he says. They agree and the chief tells them all to find ten pieces of one kind of fruit and to return to him with the fruit.

The first guy returns with ten apples. The chief then tells him that he must put all ten apples up his ass without making a sound. If he makes a sound, he will be killed. The guy gets one up succesfully but lets out a yell on the second one, he is promptly killed.

The second guy comes back with ten small berries. The chief gives him the same instructions. The guy gets eight up but then suddenly starts laughing as he's putting the ninth one in and he is killed.

The second meets up with the first guy in heaven, and the first guy asks him why he started laughing when he was so close to getting all ten. The second guy responds "I saw the third guy coming back with ten pineapples".

[Los Feliz Slim]

Guy walks into his house with a chicken under his arm. He says "So, this is the pig I've been fukcing." His wife says "That's not a pig, dear, that's a chicken." Guy says "I wasn't talking to you."

[Sponger15SB]

I think I've read at least 50% of the jokes in this thread on a popsicle stick.

[dogsballs]

Three mathematicians go duck hunting. The first one takes a shot at a passing duck and shoots a couple of yards too high. The second one stands up and takes his shot at the next duck. It goes a couple of yards too low. The third mathematicain jumps up and whoops and yells "Woohoo, we got one boys..!"

[gorie]

[ QUOTE ]
I think I've read at least 50% of the jokes in this thread on a popsicle stick.

[/ QUOTE ]
popsicle stick jokes rule!

[kerssens]

3 friends all die in the same accident. They get to heaven and St Peter is there to give them the orientation.

He talks to the first guy, Scott. He says "Scott, did you lead a virtuous life?" Scott honest answers "yes, I was very good, never cheated on my wife or anything." St Peter says "ok, here in heavan you'll be driving this Bentley."

Next, its John's turn. John answers "well, I was pretty good, only cheated twice and was pretty much a good guy" St Peter gives him the keys to a VW.

Next, Joel's turn. Joel was a complete douche, cheated on his wife, kicked dogs. Joel gets a bicycle.

Joel goes out for a ride and he sees Scott sitting at the side of the road, next to his Bentley crying. Joel says "Scott you look horrible, what's wrong" Scott (who never cheated) says..."I just saw my wife, she was on roller skates"

[fluxrad]

One morning a guy wakes up and notices a bump on his forehead. He doesn't think too much about it and goes about his business. Over the course of the next several days the bump continues to grow larger and larger. Naturally, the man becomes concerned and visits the doctor.

The doctor runs a battery of tests and several days later calls the man into his office.

"Well, I've got bad news. It appears you've got a penis growing out of your forehead."

"You mean every morning I'm going to wake up and see a dick sticking out of my forehead?" Replies the concerned man.

"Of course not!" the doctor assures him. "Your balls will be in your eyes."

[TheIrishThug]

a midget walks into a bar. when he asks for a drink the bartender doesn't move. the midget figures he didn't hear him, so he asks again. still nothing. he keeps trying but the bartender has yet to get him a bottle.

45 mins later the bartender finally walks over and gets a bottle and walks back to the bar. then he smashes it on the bar and cuts of his ears with the shards while screaming, "GET THESE VOICES OUT OF MY HEAD!!! lEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

[dogsballs]

Doh, the ducks were posted earlier.


Ok, try this..

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gives her one.

[dogsballs]

Moses went to mount olive.

So popeye hit him.

[lucas9000]

take my wife. please.

[yoadrians]

What do you call four Mexicans drowning in the Ocean???







Quatro cinco

[Drew16]

What has 9 arms and sucks?






Def Leppard

[thatpfunk]

Why do black kids have big dicks?







So they have something to play with at christmas time.

[imported_anacardo]

[ QUOTE ]
Why do black kids have big dicks?







So they have something to play with at christmas time.

[/ QUOTE ]

I laughed my ass off, I'm sorry to say /images/graemlins/blush.gif

[nothumb]

Irish fellow comes over to the states and starts scouting around for a promising pub. He finds one that looks tolerable, goes in, and orders three pints of Guinness.

The bartender says, "Look bud, I can see you're not from around here, but I hate to tell you, we only serve one drink at a time here in the States."

The Irish guy says, "Well, I understand you've got the rules and all, but the thing is this. I left me two brothers behind in Cork and I promised 'em we'd have a beer together every night, just like we always did back home."

The bartender is touched, so he serves the guy the three beers and sends him to a corner where he won't bug anyone.

Things go on this way, and (obviously) the mick becomes a regular at the bar. Finally, one night, he comes in and orders two pints of Guinness. The bartender thinks to himself, "Oh, no, poor guy!" He brings him the two beers and he says, "Look, pal, I'm sorry about your brother. These are on me."

"My brother?" asks the Irishman, "Why? What's happened?"

Puzzled, the bartenders says, "Well, you only ordered two beers, so I figured..."

"Oh no!" laughs the Irishman. "It's just that I promised me wife I'd quit drinkin!"

NT

[eastbay]

How do you stop a clown from laughing?
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Hit him in the head with an axe.

eastbay

[Sponger15SB]

[ QUOTE ]
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gives her one.

[/ QUOTE ]

"You just blew my mind"

http://www.kilroywashere.org/01-Images/01-Kilroy-seinfield.jpg

[Michael Davis]

Instead of reading this thread I looked at my penis.

-Michael

[tonypaladino]

[ QUOTE ]
A nun walks into a confessional and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned I have touched Father Francis' penis" The priest says "say 100 hail mary's and wash your hands in the holy water."

A few minutes later a second nun enters the cofessional with the same prayer. She is told the same thing.

So about10 minutes later both nuns are at the fountain of Holy Water and washing their hands and saying their Hail Mary's when the Mother Superior comes running up and yells "Get out of my way girls I have to gargle!"

Big Steve /images/graemlins/cool.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

Better Version:

Four nuns are waiting in line to confess to a priest, the first confesses that she has looked at a mans penis. The father gives her the holy water and tells her to splash it on her eyes. The second confesses that she has given a hand job. The priest tells her that she must put her hands in the holy water. All of a sudden, the fourth nun pushes the third out of the way and gets in front of her. "Why did you do that?" asks the priest? "Because" The fourth nun replies, pointing to the third. "I want to gargle with it before she sits in it.

Tony

[touchfaith]

[ QUOTE ]
What do you call old niggers in a barn?


















Antique farming equipment

[/ QUOTE ]


Why do you feel the need to hide your racism behind a gimmick account?

Are you that embarressed of what you are? (an idiot)

[craig r]

Man, you couldn't even use your real 2+2 identity. What a p-ssy. Come on, use your real identity. Whats the big deal. You really want to be a closet racist? I mean there are some outright racists on here, but at least they use their usual 2+2 identity. Also, to give you a bit of inspiration, I just got done watching The Pianist (on a side note, why do people think Schindler's List is better?). So, why don't you make up a jewboy account while you are at it (I am jewish....i am using the term "jewboy" to be condescending)?

craig

[thatpfunk]

How to kill a thread... yikes.

[Boris]

i love this joke.

[private joker]

http://teacher.scholastic.com/scholasticnews/indepth/election_countdown/candidates/images/bush.jpg

[pearljam]

[ QUOTE ]
http://teacher.scholastic.com/scholasticnews/indepth/election_countdown/candidates/images/bush.jpg

[/ QUOTE ]

well done.

[Kirg]

The President wants to find out which agency is the best, so he gets together teams from the FBI, the CIA and the NYPD. He tells them, "Look guys, there's a rabbit in these woods and I want you to find him and bring him to me. FBI, you're up first."

The FBI agents go in and come out after a while with no rabbit. The special agent in charge explains, "Mr. President, we installed extensive surveillance devices throughout the woods and expect to apprehend the rabbit shortly." To which the President replies, "Bullshit ! You didn't bring me the rabbit! CIA, you're up next."

The CIA team goes in and comes out after a while with no rabbit. The Deputy Director explains, "Mr. President, we caught the rabbit and turned him, so now he's out there operating as a double agent." To which the President replies, "Bullshit! You didn't bring me the rabbit and I bet you never even saw him. NYPD, you're up next."

The NYPD team goes into the woods. After a while, a bear staggers out of the woods, half-conscious and bleeding from every orifice and shouting: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit. I'm a [censored] rabbit."

[ QUOTE ]
http://teacher.scholastic.com/scholasticnews/indepth/election_countdown/candidates/images/bush.jpg

[/ QUOTE ]

more like:

http://www.filmmonthly.com/Video/Articles/Woodsman/MosDef.gif

heheh, don't mess with texas!

[private joker]

[ QUOTE ]


Bwahahahahahah, rolf, lmfao, pwn3d, ship it, holla, batch, 3u0, wtf, brb, afk, etc....


[/ QUOTE ]

For some reason this was the funniest thing in the whole thread to me.

[2+2 wannabe]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]


Bwahahahahahah, rolf, lmfao, pwn3d, ship it, holla, batch, 3u0, wtf, brb, afk, etc....


[/ QUOTE ]

For some reason this was the funniest thing in the whole thread to me.

[/ QUOTE ]

you're not alone

[speirs]

It's little Jimmy's Birthday. He get's all sorts of presents and also a rabbit. He just loves the rabbit, doesn't play with anything else but that crazy rabbit. Paddy he calls him.

So everyday after school he inmediatly goes to the garden to play with Paddy. After a week his mother is cleaning some sh1t in the garden and finds the rabbit dead. The mother thinks "OMG Jimmy will be devestated! I have to get a new rabit!" She dumps Paddy in the bin but it's too late to buy a new one: Jimmy comes home.

The mother is crying "Oh my dear son, I have something terrible to tell you"

"What's wrong momma?!" Jimmy asks scared

"It's Paddy. He's dead..."

"Don't be all in tears mom! Come one! There are worst things that can happen! We have to stay strong, we'll get over it" Jimmy replies.

"Wow!" the mother thinks. He handles it's pretty well. Didn't expect that. "OK son, you have some candy and go and play in the garden." And so he does. He's playing in the garden a sees Paddy in the bin. He get's completely hysterical and runs crying to his mother.

"What's wrong Jimmy?" she asks

"Mom, mom, Paddy is dead!!" he cries

"But I already told you that!"

"No, mom, I thought you said: Daddy is dead"

[ChipWrecked]

Bill and Hillary Clinton are moving out of their house. Hillary finds a box underneath their bed. It contains three empty aluminum cans, and five thousand dollars cash. She confronts her husband with these strange items. Bill tells her, "Honey, I must confess. Every time I cheated on you, I put a can in that box."

Hillary is furious, but considers. Gennifer, Paula, Monica. Three really isn't so bad when you think about it...

"OK honey I can forgive you. But, where did the cash come from?"

"Well, whenever the box got full I took the cans to the recycler...."

[ChipWrecked]

Two guys are walking down the road when they come across a dog licking its scrotum.

First guy: Man, I'd love to be able to do that.

Second guy: Not me, no sir.

First guy: Why not?

Second guy: He might bite me.

[The once and future king]

A bear walks into a pub.
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Barman sats "why the big pause"

[SammyKid11]

A man abducts a 7-year old boy and takes him at gunpoint into the woods. As they got deeper into the woods, the sun started to go down behind the trees. It got darker and darker until the boy turned to the kidnapper and says, "mister, I'm scared." To which he replies:





"YOU'RE scared...I'm the one who has to walk out of here ALONE."

[PokerBob]

A guy dies and finds that he has gone to hell. He is wailing and crying when the devil comes up to him and says "Hey buddy, relax. It's not so bad. Do you like to drink?".

Guy: Well, Yeah.
Devil: Well, every Monday we get [censored]-faced. We have open bar and you can have any drink you like.
Guy: well that sounds pretty good.
Devil: I told you. Do you like to gamble?
Guy (more excited now): Yeah.
Devil: Well every Tuesday is casino day. We have craps, blackjack, poker, sportsbetting. You name it, we got it
Guy: Excellent. That sounds great.
Devil: Are you gay?
Guy: No.
Devil: Well, you aren't gonna like Wednesdays very much then.

[Vavavoom]

Q: Why are pirates called pirates..........?
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A: They just aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgh ?

[steelcmg]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[ChipWrecked]

A janitor was sweeping near a confessional. The priest gets his attention. "I really have to use the bathroom, could you sit in here for me for a few minutes?"

The janitor was hesitant. The priest said, "It's easy. Just give them 20 Hail Marys for every sin and you'll be fine."

The janitor agreed, and took his place in the confessional. Shortly after, a hot blonde came in, and confessed to having oral sex the night before.

The janitor was mortified. He thought 20 Hail Marys wasn't enough for a sin of this magnitude, but he couldn't think of any other pennance.

He put his head out of the confessional just as an alter boy was walking by.

"Excuse me son, but what does the priest usually give for oral sex?"

"Usually, a couple of candy bars and a Coke."

[tomdemaine]

What do you get if you cross Titanic with The Sixth Sense?


Icy dead people

[imported_The Vibesman]

A pirate walks into a bar. Attached to his crotch is a steering wheel with a parrot sitting on top of it. He sits at the bar and asks for a bottle of rum. The bartender brings it over, eyeballing the parrot, sets it down and says, "Nice bird you've got there."

Pirate says, "Aye, he's drivin' me nuts."

[unlucky513]

how do you make an 8 year old cry twice??









rub your bloody dick on her teddy bear.

[fnord_too]

Two managers decide to rent a hot air balloon. The guy renting it tries to give them a lesson in flying it but they brush him off. Soon they are completely lost with no clue about what to do. They see a guy in a field below and yell down to him "Can you tell us where we are?"

The man dryly replies "You are in a balloon".

One of the managers snidely yells "You must be a mathematician."

The guy yells back "I am, how did you know that."

His response is a peeved "What you have told me is clearly true, quite provable, but utterly useless. Thanks for your help."

The mathematician yells back "Oh, I see, you are managers."

The manager yells back, somewhat flattered that this guy recognized his great leadership from a short conversation, "Why yes I am, how did you know?"

"You don't know where you are; you don't know where you are going; your situation is exactly the same now as before you met me except now it is my fault."

[imported_The Vibesman]

Shepherd is standing in his field with his sheep and his sheepdog. A shiny new BMW comes racing up the road and pulls over by the field. A man in a business suit gets out and says to the man, "I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have there if you let me have one if I'm correct." The shepherd agrees, the man takes out a laptop and does some calculations, arrives at a number, which the sheepherder tells him is correct. The man smiles, grabs one of the animals, bundles it up and puts it in the back of the car.
The shepherd says to the man, "Wait. If I can tell you what you do for a living, can I have my animal back?"

The man says, "Sure."

Instantly the shepherd says, "You're a consultant."

Flustered, the man answers, "Correct. But how did you know?"

"Because," answered the shepherd, "you came here without being invited, you charged me a fee to answer a question I didn't ask and already knew the answer to, and you obviously don't know a thing about my business. Now give me back my dog."

[lu_hawk]

ok this is stupid and you need to tell it in person but i will describe how to do it. maybe it is not even a joke.

first, bet somebody some amount of money that you can make them say 'sixteen'. they will agree to your bet because they feel they can prevent themselves from saying it.

so you say what is 10 + 10. and they say twenty. then you say what is 20 + 10. and they say thirty. then you say what is 20 + 20. they say 40. then you pounce and ask what is 20 + 40. and they say sixty. then you say 'see i made you say it.' they will argue with you but you insist. then they will eventually say something to the effect of 'no you said i would say sixteen not sixty.' and you collect your money. 100% success rate on about 6 people i have tried it on.

[mlh2e]

How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?
































One

[SpicyF]

http://www.pokerdamage.com/train.jpg

[Mackie]

we have a winner

[hyde]

Claude and Pierre are driving down a rural road in Deliverance and they come across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence. They stop to help, Pierre gets out to pull the sheeps head out of the fence, buts hesitates, looks around and decides to have his way with the sheep first. So he's pumping away, SIIHP, and he turns to ask Claude if he wants any of this.
Claude says "Sure I do, but do I have to stick my head in the fence?"

[SoSo]

Whats the difference between two dead babies and a Ferrari?



I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

[SL__72]

[ QUOTE ]
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?















Neil Armstrong WALKED on the MOON...






















and Michael Jackson f*cks kids.

[/ QUOTE ]

FYP



That little Suzie joke reminded me of a couple...


One day little Suzie runs in the house yelling "Mom, mom, come quick, the barn is on fire"

Her mom replies "Now little Suzie, if you don't quit lying I'm going to have your father give you a spanking"

Little Suzie just laughed and laughed and lauhed... because she knew daddy was in the barn.




One day little Suzie and little Johnny were playing in the ditch out by the road. Little Suzie sees a coin out in the middle of the road and says "Johnny, go get that quarter thats out in the middle of the road." As little Johnny is going to get the quarter he gets run over by a car. Little Suzie just laughed and laughed and laughed... because she knew it was really a nickel.

[tonypaladino]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?








Nothing you haven't told her twice already.

[madscout]

What's the difference between sand and menstrual fluid?

<font color="white">You can't gargle sand. </font>

[gilper]

Joe and Steve are out golfing and the round is terribly slow because of the two women in front of them. After several holes of this slow pace Joe decides he’s going to have a word with the women about their slow play. He is halfway down the fairway when he quickly turns around.
What’s the problem Joe?
I can’t talk to those women, one is my wife and the other one is my mistress.
Alright then I’ll take care of it.
So Steve heads down the fairway and comes back even quicker than Joe.
What’s the problem Steve?
It’s a small world Joe.

[mostsmooth]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
so this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender OUCH!

[/ QUOTE ]

And don't forget his brother.....

Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks.

[/ QUOTE ]

termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bartender here?"

horse walks into a bar, bartender says "hey buddy, why the long face?"

two cannibals are eating a clown. first says to other, "does this taste funny to you?"

[Boris]

[ QUOTE ]

two cannibals are eating a clown. first says to other, "does this taste funny to you?"

[/ QUOTE ]

I just tried to tell this joke to my vietnamese secretary.

She asked me why would a cannibal care what a clown tasted like.

/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[fnord_too]

This guy goes to a golf course and ends up playing a round with a woman who had also gone there alone. They hit is off great and deicde to go to dinner.

The next day they play agian and after go to the movies and make out some.

They play again the next day and that night they rent a movie, get take out and stay in. The guy starts making some advances and the woman sais "wait, I have to tell you something. I am guy halfway through my sex change."

The guy goes utterly balistic and screams "YOU BASTARD!! YOU HAVE BEEN TEEING OFF FROM THE LADIES BOX ALL WEEK!!"

[JustSomeJackass]

An elderly gentleman was getting the results of his medical exam from his doctor:

Doctor: Well, I'm sorry to say that I have 2 pieces of bad news for you. The first is that you have cancer.

Old man: Jesus, that's terrible...what's the other bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease

Old man: Well, it could be worse...at least I don't have cancer

[JustSomeJackass]

A guy is in the checkout lane of the supermarket and tells the female cashier that he had wanted to buy some condoms, but he didn't know what size he needed. Being customer service oriented, the girl unzipped the guy's pants, felt around a bit and then called over the intercom "Box of large condoms to register 7". The next guy in line can't believe what he is seeing, so he too says that he wanted some condoms but did not know which size to buy. She unzips his pants also, feels around and then says "Box of medium condoms to register 7". The high school student next in line can hardly contain himself. After asking for the same service, the girl unzips his pants, feels around and then calls out over the intercom "Cleanup...register 7"