Divorce/Separation/Postnup

[bobdibble]

My marriage is totally [censored].

I've been married for just under 7 years and have a 2 year old son. My wife has always had somewhat of a bitchy streak, but we had fun together.

Things started getting bad 4 or so years ago. I was in a busy job and put her through school.. while she was at school she ended up hooking up with a dude and having a 1 night afair... we almost got divorced right then, but decided to work through it... things were better for awhile.

We accidently had a kid after that. Things were great as we were working preparing for the baby. They were pretty good right after he was born as well.

But, over the last year and a half, things have become terrible between the two of us. We arguing and fighting, a lot. We haven't had sex in forever.

We started seeing a marriage counselor, and things were getting slightly better... but then, she had a breakdown, was comitted to a mental health hospital for a week and ended up being diagnosed with manic depression. This was a few months ago.

They are working on her meds, but when she lapses, she treats me like crap and constantly blames me for issues that she is failing to take control of in her life. She is fairly abusive in this regard.

I hate it.

It is my understanding that it takes 2 years for someone to get balanced and ajust their behavior after something like this, but I don't know if I can handle it. I also am concerned that after 2 years things won't be any different.

I'm on the edge of requesting a divorce or a separation, but then I think of my son... I live in Washington and am told that even if someone is a hard core drug user, parental rights are split, so he would be with her at least 50% of the time. Things would be fine now, but if as he gets older she treats him like she does me, it will [censored] him up. I feel that even if I made a decision that I should leave for myself, I couldn't do it because I would need to protect him.

There are a few financial matters to consider too though. Suppose I decide to stay for X years just to make sure he is ok.. but then want to get divorced.. I am going to take it in the ass financially. (Alimony is paid for half the number of years you are married... and the longer I am married, the more retirement/savings I am going to have to split)

So, the options I'm considering are:

1) Sticking with therapy and seeing how things work out.
2) Divorce
3) Postnup but continue to work on marriage issues -- split assets now and document in a postnup. Fix the number of years of alimony payment to 3.5 based on my current salary.
4) Postnup like above, but "separate" emotionally and live together to take care of our son. We would be legally married, but woulde effectively be roomates and could do whatever.

Any idea from people who have been through this kind of thing before?

Also, can anyone in Washington state recommend a good family lawyer?

Thanks

[MagicMan08]

on a serious note, I am sorry, I wish nothing like this on anyone for any reason.

[Dominic]

if you've had enough, get out and get out now. the sooner the better. both for you and your son.

[sexdrugsmoney]

[ QUOTE ]
My marriage is totally [censored].

I've been married for just under 7 years and have a 2 year old son. My wife has always had somewhat of a bitchy streak, but we had fun together.

Things started getting bad 4 or so years ago. I was in a busy job and put her through school.. while she was at school she ended up hooking up with a dude and having a 1 night afair... we almost got divorced right then, but decided to work through it... things were better for awhile.

We accidently had a kid after that. Things were great as we were working preparing for the baby. They were pretty good right after he was born as well.

But, over the last year and a half, things have become terrible between the two of us. We arguing and fighting, a lot. We haven't had sex in forever.

We started seeing a marriage counselor, and things were getting slightly better... but then, she had a breakdown, was comitted to a mental health hospital for a week and ended up being diagnosed with manic depression. This was a few months ago.

They are working on her meds, but when she lapses, she treats me like crap and constantly blames me for issues that she is failing to take control of in her life. She is fairly abusive in this regard.

I hate it.

It is my understanding that it takes 2 years for someone to get balanced and ajust their behavior after something like this, but I don't know if I can handle it. I also am concerned that after 2 years things won't be any different.

I'm on the edge of requesting a divorce or a separation, but then I think of my son... I live in Washington and am told that even if someone is a hard core drug user, parental rights are split, so he would be with her at least 50% of the time. Things would be fine now, but if as he gets older she treats him like she does me, it will [censored] him up. I feel that even if I made a decision that I should leave for myself, I couldn't do it because I would need to protect him.

There are a few financial matters to consider too though. Suppose I decide to stay for X years just to make sure he is ok.. but then want to get divorced.. I am going to take it in the ass financially. (Alimony is paid for half the number of years you are married... and the longer I am married, the more retirement/savings I am going to have to split)

So, the options I'm considering are:

1) Sticking with therapy and seeing how things work out.
2) Divorce
3) Postnup but continue to work on marriage issues -- split assets now and document in a postnup. Fix the number of years of alimony payment to 3.5 based on my current salary.
4) Postnup like above, but "separate" emotionally and live together to take care of our son. We would be legally married, but woulde effectively be roomates and could do whatever.

Any idea from people who have been through this kind of thing before?

Also, can anyone in Washington state recommend a good family lawyer?

Thanks

[/ QUOTE ]

First of all, I'm going to say I have never had a serious relationship nor been married, but I have been a son, and know someone close who has tried the 'room mate' thing which did not work. (they even went on a very expensive $30,000 overseas trip for a couple of months to 'find out if there was any love there' but there wasn't, and now they are 'room mates' and the kids know the love is gone, + they are $30,000 grand in the hole for their expensive second pseudo-honeymoon)

I think you need to divorce for these reasons:

1) The treatment may not work after 2 years and then you and your son will be in that situation if you stay married.

2) If your son has to witness you two fighting if the treatment doesn't work, it will seriously affect his home life and the way he percieves relationships if you stay married.

3) If the treatment doesn't work and you divorce, I'm sure you could get full custody of your son with the right lawyer if her beahviour isn't acceptable after a period of time. You sound like you will be a great dad to your son, and will be able to explain to him any questions he may have about his mothers condition and why things turned out that way.

4) If the treatment does work, and you have 50/50 custody that's cool too. The kid gets to spend time with both of you equally and your ex-wife may be happier and there is a possiblity you may get back together later, or you both may move on, either way the kid wins.

5) Money. Life is long, you work hard, and prices go up. Get out now, pay your alimony while you have a good job. The future is unclear, when it rains it poors, you don't deserve that. If you divorce now, there is nothing saying you can't trial dating again with your wife if she gets better if you both want, and it'll be cheaper.

6) (and here's the kicker) It sounds like she doesn't respect you.

I know jack-sht about your situation, I mean 7 years you've had, so I'm not going to 'diagnose' how she feels about you in 7 minutes, but this is how it appears.

It could be the Bipolar talking, or it could just be frustration and half-thought, but the fact that she had an affair and takes all her problems out on you (I assume she picks you up on all your faults too) shows a lack of respect IMHO.

I think the biggest factor you have to think about is your kid. He didn't ask to be born and the onus is on you to give that kid the best possible chance in life, and staying married only seems to hurt all parties currently from what you have said. (not to mention you, emotionally and financially)

That's my 2c, take care buddy, I sincerely hope it all works out for you.

Cheers,
SDM

[rusellmj]

Find a good lawyer. See more than one and have your BS detector set on sensitive. WA state laws are not very dad friendly.

GL getting an unreasonable person to agree to anything. If you can, this would be in your best interest. It's what I did. This will require much ass kissing and keeping your cool.

Whatever you do, don't leave. No matter how bad it gets for you. This is the number one way guys screw themselves when they go to family court. I went to see a rights for fathers lawyer who gave me a recommendation to someone in my area. I paid $90 to get some advice on the best course of action. I followed his advice. I paid the $90 six more times before I retained him. It is without a doubt, the best money I have ever spent. If you have a question on what the next best move is, ask your lawyer. When it's time to go to court, retain him.

GL

[[censored]]

Don't make the decision in one night, follow your heart as long as you can, then follow your head. Can't say what you should do because it's to personal but if you love your wife still I would try as long as she did. good luck man I wish you best.

If you do go the divorce route nothing says you two have to hate each other. You can still be caring and you can still maintain some aspects of being a family. Just keep your act, be a man, be honest and be caring.

[touchfaith]

Ready for honesty?

Your marriage was over the exact instance she cheated on you.

Unconditional love (which is what it takes to be married to someone long-term), is not intermittant.

You either love the person and would do nothing to hurt them...Or you don't.

She doesn't.

Do everyone involved a favor and end it now.

[mslif]

[ QUOTE ]
Your marriage was over the exact instance she cheated on you.

[/ QUOTE ]

I must agree with that statement.

[rusellmj]

[ QUOTE ]
Don't make the decision in one night, follow your heart as long as you can, then follow your head. Can't say what you should do because it's to personal but if you love your wife still I would try as long as she did. good luck man I wish you best.

If you do go the divorce route nothing says you two have to hate each other. You can still be caring and you can still maintain some aspects of being a family. Just keep your act, be a man, be honest and be caring.

[/ QUOTE ]

All good advice, but please, don't be a sucker. When things are as messy as you say it helps to be prepared. See a lawyer. Consider it like auto insurance. You don't plan on having an accident, but accidents aren't generally within your control.

[[censored]]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Don't make the decision in one night, follow your heart as long as you can, then follow your head. Can't say what you should do because it's to personal but if you love your wife still I would try as long as she did. good luck man I wish you best.

If you do go the divorce route nothing says you two have to hate each other. You can still be caring and you can still maintain some aspects of being a family. Just keep your act, be a man, be honest and be caring.

[/ QUOTE ]

All good advice, but please, don't be a sucker. When things are as messy as you say it helps to be prepared. See a lawyer. Consider it like auto insurance. You don't plan on having an accident, but accidents aren't generally within your control.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ya I don't have a problem with him seeing a lawyer to get advice. I just focusing on the emotional and personal aspects. Your advice from above was very good.

[Bluffoon]

Divorce sucks especially when there are kids involved. I got divorced in New York and I got totally screwed. But that's not important.

What is important is what is best for my son. By staying in a disfunctional relationship I was teaching him that it is ok to fight constantly and to allow myself to be abused and disrespected.

I chose to show my son a better way and I hope that I can teach him better relationship skills than I had and can avoid a lot of the mistakes and bad choices I made. Whatever you decide good luck.

[zoomOut]

Good post Bluffoon.

Whether you stay together for your son or get divorced there are always tough consequences. I chose to get a divorce from my spouse who was very bipolar and quite disfunctional. It got to be overwhelming for me and our entire life was one drama after another. It got where I couldn't envision living out the rest of my life like that. (He also did a brief stint in the hospital and was on and off meds.)

Seven years later my oldest son told me how badly it hurt him that I did that. There were no words to describe my guilt over his anguish. Still I have to agree with Bluffoon. What would it have accomplished to stay in a relationship where all we did was argue and yell at each other? It is an unhealed wound. In the end I couldn't handle the bipolar problems. It may sound selfish but you really do deserve a loving woman who will treat you with affection and respect. Follow your heart.