Fix this sentence [Archive] - Two Plus Two Older Archives

shadow29

08-09-2005, 02:57 PM

I'm helping a friend write a cover letter for a marketing job in the golf industry. It's pretty much all done, but one of her sentences is bad, but I don't know why.

[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening, and believe it to have a great deal of promise for becoming one of the state's premier courses.

[/ QUOTE ]

Oh and thanks:

http://img73.imageshack.us/img73/5509/lesbiankiss41402jpg5zk.gif (http://imageshack.us)

edit- my friend is not one of these girls.

edit- rehosted

M2d

08-09-2005, 03:00 PM

is she applying for a nekkid cart girl position?

you really don't want me correcting grammer. things will get ugly.

jackdaniels

08-09-2005, 03:00 PM

The recent opening of xxx is very exciting in that it shows a great deal of promise in becoming one of the state's premier golf courses.

shadow29

08-09-2005, 03:02 PM

[ QUOTE ]
is she applying for a nekkid cart girl position?

[/ QUOTE ]

I wish they had those. That would rock.

I just figured that I would make this thread a bit less useless to the general oot population.

Cancer Merchant

08-09-2005, 03:02 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening, and believe it will become one of the state's premier courses.

[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening, and believe this course has the potential to be a premier golf destination.

[/ QUOTE ]

Eurotrash

08-09-2005, 03:03 PM

are people so lazy that they can't take 10 seconds to rehost the image?

Hal 2000

08-09-2005, 03:04 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening, and believe this course has the potential to be a premier golf destination.

[/ QUOTE ]

TheWorstPlayer

08-09-2005, 03:04 PM

I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening as I believe it to be one of the state's premier courses.

Don't be an ass. No one wants to hear that some little [censored] thinks their course 'has promise'. Tell them it's good.

asofel

08-09-2005, 03:04 PM

[ QUOTE ]
are people so lazy that they can't take 10 seconds to rehost the image?

[/ QUOTE ]

yes

Hal 2000

08-09-2005, 03:06 PM

btw, is xxx the place to which this friend is applying? If so, I wouldn't recommmend telling them how great their course is. They already know....

shadow29

08-09-2005, 03:06 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Don't be an ass. No one wants to hear that some little [censored] thinks their course 'has promise'. Tell them it's good.

[/ QUOTE ]

It just opened, sorry.

And what's the deal with rehosting the image? Is not doing so a problem?

Eurotrash

08-09-2005, 03:07 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening, and believe it to have a great deal of promise for becoming one of the state's premier courses.

[/ QUOTE ]

this could use work. I think you have a comma splice in there. It might be a good idea to try making it two separate sentences

Pocket Trips

08-09-2005, 03:08 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I'm helping a friend write a cover letter for a marketing job in the golf industry. It's pretty much all done, but one of her sentences is bad, but I don't know why.

[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening, and believe it to have a great deal of promise for becoming one of the state's premier courses.

[/ QUOTE ]

Oh and thanks:

http://www.popularpages.net/pics/lesbian-kiss_4_1402.jpg

edit- my friend is not one of these girls.

[/ QUOTE ]

I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening. I believe it has the potential to become one of the state's premier courses, and I look forward to the opportunity to help xxx maximize its potential

TheWorstPlayer

08-09-2005, 03:09 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Don't be an ass. No one wants to hear that some little [censored] thinks their course 'has promise'. Tell them it's good.

[/ QUOTE ]

It just opened, sorry.

[/ QUOTE ]
Ah, that changes things. Yeah, then I would split it into two sentences. Short, clear sentences show an organized mind.

Eurotrash

08-09-2005, 03:10 PM

[ QUOTE ]
And what's the deal with rehosting the image? Is not doing so a problem?

[/ QUOTE ]

it's a problem from some sites because they don't like you hotlinking their images and using up their bandwidth. so you end up with a link to a picture that nobody can see many times. Or, in other cases, it'll work for a while and then after the allotted bandwidth is used up you get a broken link

it's a lot easier to just rehost it on Imageshack

jakethebake

08-09-2005, 03:11 PM

What kind of golf course calls itself XXX?

WDC

08-09-2005, 03:12 PM

winner

shadow29

08-09-2005, 03:14 PM

[ QUOTE ]
winner

[/ QUOTE ]

I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening. I believe it has the potential to become one of the state's premier courses, and I look forward to the opportunity to help xxx maximize its potential

I concur.

jakethebake

08-09-2005, 03:15 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening. I believe it has the potential to become one of the state's premier courses, and I look forward to the opportunity to help xxx maximize its potential

[/ QUOTE ]

That's very good now where are the pics of the girl?

Rushmore

08-09-2005, 03:16 PM

Pocket Trips gave the best alternative.

That said, I have read thousands of resumes and cover letters, and should point out two things, based on my experience:

1.) Applicants using phrasing involving "in that" or "as regards" (or whatever) always turn out to be douchebags. As Malcolm X liked to say, "Say it plain."

2.) No need to pull an Eddie Haskell ("My, Mrs. Cleaver, that's a lovely dress you are wearing today," etc.). Just apply for the job. You can always blow me later.

FWIW.

shadow29

08-09-2005, 03:18 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening. I believe it has the potential to become one of the state's premier courses, and I look forward to the opportunity to help xxx maximize its potential

[/ QUOTE ]

That's very good now where are the pics of the girl?

[/ QUOTE ]

Pics from our last golf outing:

pics (http://tinyurl.com/2o4qa)

Also, I rehosted the original image.

RacersEdge

08-09-2005, 03:19 PM

I was very excited to hear of the position at XXX. I believe your course has the potential to become one of the best in the state.

jakethebake

08-09-2005, 03:20 PM

jackdaniels

08-09-2005, 03:20 PM

MOFO.

Pic above NSFW. I hope they ban your unemployed ass for that.

Eurotrash

08-09-2005, 03:20 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
winner

[/ QUOTE ]

I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening. I believe it has the potential to become one of the state's premier courses, and I look forward to the opportunity to help xxx maximize its potential

I concur.

[/ QUOTE ]

sorry if I'm nitpicking, but I think this still has a comma splice. whether or not the person reading it will notice, I don't know, but how about this slight alteration:

I was excited [do you need "very"? seems like it's just an unnecessary modifier] to hear of xxx's recent opening. I believe it can become one of the state's premier courses and look forward to helping xxx realize its full potential ["maximize" is kind of a computery verb, also you eliminate one of the "potentials"]

Patrick del Poker Grande

08-09-2005, 03:22 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
winner

[/ QUOTE ]

I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening. I believe it has the potential to become one of the state's premier courses, and I look forward to the opportunity to help xxx maximize its potential

I concur.

[/ QUOTE ]

sorry if I'm nitpicking, but I think this still has a comma splice. whether or not the person reading it will notice, I don't know, but how about this slight alteration:

I was excited [do you need "very"? seems like it's just an unnecessary modifier] to hear of xxx's recent opening. I believe it can become one of the state's premier courses and look forward to helping xxx realize its full potential ["maximize" is kind of a computery verb, also you eliminate one of the "potentials"]

[/ QUOTE ]
I'm going to go with Eurotrash on this one. Much better.

shadow29

08-09-2005, 03:23 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I'm going to go with Eurotrash on this one. Much better.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ya, changed it.

Eurotrash

08-09-2005, 03:42 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I'm going to go with Eurotrash on this one. Much better.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ya, changed it.

[/ QUOTE ]

sweet, I feel proud that you're using my edit /images/graemlins/smirk.gif

good luck with it, I hope they like it.

RacersEdge

08-09-2005, 03:42 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
winner

[/ QUOTE ]

I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening. I believe it has the potential to become one of the state's premier courses, and I look forward to the opportunity to help xxx maximize its potential

I concur.

[/ QUOTE ]

sorry if I'm nitpicking, but I think this still has a comma splice. whether or not the person reading it will notice, I don't know, but how about this slight alteration:

I was excited [do you need "very"? seems like it's just an unnecessary modifier] to hear of xxx's recent opening. I believe it can become one of the state's premier courses and look forward to helping xxx realize its full potential ["maximize" is kind of a computery verb, also you eliminate one of the "potentials"]

[/ QUOTE ]

Subject/pronoun issue. "It" sounds like it could be referring to the "opening".

Last part too fluffy with resume-speak - try

I feel I will be a strong contributor to the marketing department at XXX.

DemonDeac

08-09-2005, 03:49 PM

among what has already been said, theres a comma splice

TheWorstPlayer

08-09-2005, 04:28 PM

[ QUOTE ]
among what have already been said, theres a comma splice

[/ QUOTE ]
You can't be 'among' a single thing.

MtDon

08-09-2005, 07:15 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I'm helping a friend write a cover letter for a marketing job in the golf industry. It's pretty much all done, but one of her sentences is bad, but I don't know why.

[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening, and believe it to have a great deal of promise for becoming one of the state's premier courses.

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]

I believe xxx holds great promise of becoming one of the state's premier courses.

or

I believe xxx holds great promise of becoming the state's premier course.

Punker

08-09-2005, 07:49 PM

"If you want the kind of employee that takes abuse I'm your man. You can treat me like dirt and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream."

Senor Cardgage

08-09-2005, 09:07 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I was very excited to hear of xxx's recent opening. I believe it has the potential to become one of the state's premier courses, and I look forward to the opportunity to help xxx maximize its potential

[/ QUOTE ]

That's very good now where are the pics of the girl?

[/ QUOTE ]

Pics from our last golf outing:

pics (http://www.notthesamelink.com)

Also, I rehosted the original image.

[/ QUOTE ]

I NEVER click on these kinds of links. I'm always extremely careful. Except this time. DAMNIT.

Question: I clicked out of it really fast, so I didn't get a really close look. Was that tubgirl? Not sure if I've ever actually seen that, so I don't know what it looks like.

ddubois

08-09-2005, 09:14 PM

The sentence does not have a comma splice, since it has an appropriate conjunction. I don't see anything that is technically gramatically incorrect, but it doesn't flow well.